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My W's PA started 10 years ago Monday night, 8/10. That was the start of the A, too, I think, because there never was an EA, although it was a sick relationship from the start.

My goal is to describe my state of mind today 10 years and 2 days after my W's A started. Y M will V, but it's one data point for your consideration.

These antiversaries suck. I snap back into memories of d-day, of deep grief, anger, fear, shame, and a sense that I somehow fucked up and caused my W to cheat. I snap back to feeling worthless, facing a hard struggle to reclaim myself. IOW, the residual pain that the human brain seems unwilling to forget comes up in spades. Each year it's a little less, I think, but each year I still hurt, at least so far.

Now, 2 days later, the thoughts that rule me are that I didn't cause her to cheat, I'm worth as much as every other human being (which is enough), and that I have already reclaimed myself. The trauma of the A is in the past.

In a real sense, I'm a historian, so personally, I think I would go through this even if I had D'ed and found a new partner.

The thoughts and feelings I've described are probably exacerbated by my reconnecting with some high school chums this week, which snapped me back into my teenage years - when I felt I always fucked up and was worthless.... :smile:

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:42 PM, Wednesday, August 12th]

sisson,

I get it. I understand. I've been there and I'm sorry you are there now. It's the time of year, the smells in the air and all of the familar things around you on the date. It can be so triggering. The good thing is that you are taking care of yourself and surviving. It's difficult on the anniversary dates, because it's like a time machine and you're right back where you were. Gosh, that is such a super horrible feeling. I think you should do something special for yourself, get your favorite meal or snack and watch your favorite show or movies to binge and just take care of you. Something to take your mind off of things. This is not an easy thing to do, I know but in the end you'll most likely be glad that you did. Gosh remembering HS days, like that too, man I had a low sense of worth back then as well. That's rough. We've grown into stronger people now.

I really do get you....I too am a historian, I think about what I did on such and such a date and think about my memories. I can remember my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend's birthday and I dated him 35 years ago!! Why do I think of her every year on October 23rd? If I do that you can only imagine what I do with this sh** show we've been dealt. lol Ugh it's a curse!!

Is your W understand at all about these feeling and give you support and love and understanding? Hopefully she is, that can be helpful as well.

Hugs,

-B

These antiversaries suck. I snap back into memories of d-day, of deep grief, anger, fear, shame, and a sense that I somehow fucked up and caused my W to cheat. I snap back to feeling worthless, facing a hard struggle to reclaim myself. IOW, the residual pain that the human brain seems unwilling to forget comes up in spades. Each year it's a little less, I think, but each year I still hurt, at least so far.

Antiversaries suck. Sorry Sisoon.

Its amazing in a twisted way the memory pain has. It knows no bounds. It can be associated with pictures, sounds smell, taste, time of year, occasion, specific routine or chore. And bam you're no longer recalling it....you're living it. The body keeps the score really explained this well. Its biological. But damn that doesn't make it easier.

I'm so glad it takes you less time to reclaim yourself your thoughts and your feelings. It shows real strength of character and progress.

I like you feel I would relive some thr hurts and betrayals even if I D too. They would follow me. Its so sad its not just the marriage marked and scarred. Sometimes its the betrayed spouse too.

My friend's therapist told him to reclaim the antiversaries. He now has an annual fishing trip without his WW. She has tried to come along a few times, its been 5 years or so for them. Every year he says he gets black out drunk in his ice house with his friends.

He looks forward to this trip every year.

The first 2 years he cried the whole day, but now he just laughs and tells stories about past trips. Like when he and I decided to poor warm water on the crouch of each guy who was passed out drunk still in the morning. We didn't say a word to them as they woke until we were driving back home together the following night.

Or when one guy hot boxed the whole Ice House.

Or the time we ran out of propane and had to drink our dinners because we didn't pack enough non-cooking foods.

Lots of funny stories. It makes the day something he looks forward to.

Make the antiversary about you.

You have done an amazing job in healing yourself and the marriage. The anniversaries can be tough. This feeling will most likely be a once a year blip that hopefully will diminish every year

In a real sense, I'm a historian, so personally, I think I would go through this even if I had D'ed and found a new partner.

I resemble this remark.

Either path taken, I think I would have looked back on when life changed drastically in a way I least expected.

I tried not giving the exact day any thought, but that backfired. Now I take it on, deal with the unpleasant memories of it all and move on a tad bit quicker each year.

That aside, I'm with ya' -- antiversaries DO suck.

I'm worth as much as every other human being...

sisoon, thank you for continuing to share the journey with everyone here. It is indeed a blessing. And just so you know, you're not a Cardinal fan, so you are definitely worth MORE than some folks. 😁

I definitely understand reflecting back.

I'll say this Sisoon. I was listening to a sermon from Dr Charles Stanley the other day. He was talking about being in trials and being in so much pain and wondering if you'd be able to survive it.

He went on to say that it's good to reflect back on these past trials, and seeing that with the Lord's help you were able to get through it, and knowing this it's good to remind yourself that you didn't think you'd get through it....but you did!!

That these past trials (and getting through it) should encourage us that we will get through the current trial.

Thanks for sharing this!

Antiversaries do suck, sisoon. I don't know exactly when my XWW's adultery started but I know when they first kissed. I know because I know what I was doing when they did. That was 18 years ago in December. I also know when they had sex for the first time and how it was set up and where I was which is over 17 years ago now. I didn't find out any of this until 7 years ago, though.

I have to admit that those days and other markers in a LTA sneak by me now without ringing the bell. I might think about the later when I recognize I got past them. I also think about the LTA regularly but mostly without the pain. Mostly it's remembering how she was and wondering what she was thinking and justifying - curiosity. It's more than curiosity but don't know the right descriptive word.

I expect those things will never leave us, sisoon. I'm a historian, too, and have a very good memory. I do think the pain and effect diminishes in time. It has for me but it will probably be there until dementia or death. Forgive doesn't mean forget.

Does your FWW know about this reoccurrence and, if she does, does she do anything about it?

[This message edited by steadychevy at 7:19 AM, August 13th (Thursday)]

Sisoon

As they often do you post got me thinking…

I sometimes think I did the near-perfect separation after my d-day. I sometimes allow myself to think I’m fully recovered. I have to dig out a calendar (well – actually hit the win button and type cal…) to calculate how many years ago this was and on what date. The only reason I remember the date is because it was a Friday night exactly five weeks and one day before our planned wedding, and the wedding was planned for the same day of year my parents married.

I guess anniversaries don’t suck. I don’t remember that date when it takes place, and when my parents anniversary pings on the calendar I don’t start thinking five weeks back.

I seldom think of my ex. In fact, I don’t really know where she is and what she’s doing. I have met her dad a couple of times over the last +25 years and he has unrequested updated me on her. I think he passed away last year.

I truly think I live an amazing happy life with the right combination of love, happiness, strive and result.

But your post and a recent road-trip I did made me question my recovery…

The infidelity took place in a small city I was born and raised in and where my parents lived until they passed away. I left that city about 5 years after d-day.

On the road-trip I visited my parent’s gravesite. Driving into that town I realized that over the years I had avoided driving the direct route that took me past the apartment building we rented. That building was and is a trigger. Even now I felt a slight knot in my stomach, and I was silent and broody for some minutes afterwards. My wife thought it was due to visiting my parent’s gravesite, but I recognize it was the infidelity-trigger. In fact I sat in my vehicle for a couple of minutes to consciously deal with the trigger and remove it before visiting my parents.

I did some thinking on this. I’m not sure I ever want to remove all the triggers. If an occasional trigger brings back the memory and I can then use that to contemplate on what I have done to move on… well… I’m happy with my progress.

Maybe the bottom line is that no matter what – R like you did or D like I did – there will be some ongoing triggers that will impact us for years or even all our lives. It’s maybe more an issue of not letting those triggers control us in a negative way.

Of fxxxx… This thread also made me look up my never-to-be-FIL on Facebook. He’s still alive.

Sisoon, I don't know why but this post surprised me. Why should I feel that you no longer have triggers with dates? It's my fear that I always will. In a way you have sort of confirmed that it's okay to have those feelings too.

My DDay was my dad's birthday (golf was more important to my WH than his passing so it's a sore point for me anyway)

To add to it we had just returned from a very special place (which I cant imagine ever returning to now, alone or together)

I have a memory like an elephant too and I know it would be with me whatever my outcome.

It's true that in time you have to take these dates and places back and make them special for you again. That is just another part of our healing that we never asked for but I will do it.

(((sisoon))))

I am approaching 12 years.

Last year I totally missed the date, the week and nearly the month. I considered doing a post about retrospect and how it is almost a nothingness now, but I didn't.

I can say this. We successfully R'd, and we did it right. We held each other up, and were accountable, and we both did work on ourselves. Our M was better back then at the 2 year mark than it had been for a few years prior to Dday.

I don't really trigger anymore, and no longer feel the grief, I do remember the pain, the emotion, the loss, grief, and that confusion, and pain, and inability to function. That pain is a memory and if I dig into it I can get in touch of the shadows of that initial pain.

I can say that I am a better stronger smarter happier person from having gone through this journey.

((((And Healing))))

Coming up on six years since I found out and 10 years from the affair for me too. Now, I am autistic and have a tendency to see patterns, and I am a Historian by profession and training. My wife went to her POSOM on October the 10th 2010, and labelled the file 10-10-10 and that was how I found the file by accident. I don't date my files. It happened in different years but in the last ten days of August 22 to 31st, her father died, our wedding anniversary, she had sex with the POSOM for a last time, POSOM died, she sent him an email which was unanswered, her mother went into a nursing home, she went to a cottage with our adopted daughter and the day I found the file. It is more the concentration of dates that makes it hard for me to come out from under. We had a difficult reconciliation and the events of those ten days and their memory is hard on both of us.

Thanks for the comments, all.

It didn't occur to me until today today to add my therapist's advice (therapy for a non-A-related issue). She says it's natural for these things to come up from time to time. It's residual pain, and it's hard to keep from attacking oneself when triggered. The antidote, in her view, is compassion for oneself.

I think she's right. I changed over the 2 days from Monday to Wednesday by going through another round of acceptance and reminding my self 'I'm OK, you're OK, and they're OK.' Others process the crap by doing something good for themselves. Others notice the trigger and notice their growth and strength.

The thing with triggers is that they come as surprises or shocks. They can't be predicted. They're not always about infidelity, because the vast majority of us are on the receiving end of more than one trauma in our lives.

I like my therapist's advice - have compassion for oneself.

(((Sisoon))) I read your post last night. Finished up the replies this morning. And just wanted to send my thoughts. I have always had dates burned into my psyche. No matter how many years passed since an incident or event if it was traumatic my body seems to know. 44 years ago I had an infant son who passed away at 4 days old. For the first 10 to 15 years I tried to ignore the dates. I finally learned that I had to honor the dates if that makes sense. I started lighting a candle for the four days that he lived and I do so every year.

With infidelity all the dates that trigger me for one reason or another, I now do something special for me. A lot of times, that includes my FWH. We will go to dinner or used to go to movies, LOL, or find something special create new memories on those days. I have every confidence that by giving my psyche the ability to recognize and honor, which is not the right word, these dates it helps keep me sane.

It does always surprise me that years and years later if I ignore any of these dates, I will notice. I don't feel well physically or I don't feel well emotionally. I then have to go back to understand why the date caused this reaction in my body. To me it's all part of living, it's all part of trauma it's all part of infidelity.

All of this post, just say to take care of yourself and as you said have compassion for yourself. Take time to recognize the dates in your life when you need extra care.

Sisoon

Im 10 years out from the first A, too. I still think about it and ruminate , especially now that there’s been a second affair (affair 1 was 2009-2010, affair 2 was 2019-2020)

In that space I did think about ow1 on the antiversary. Almost like I was reliving what happened at the time. (They were in a work trip together, shut down the bar and went back to someone’s room). That week, it’s November 16-20, at night I think of them and get sort of flash back/ mind movies and think how the hell could my Wh have done this?

In 2018 or so I realized I’d missed that week. Didn’t think about the affair. Thought Wh and I are doing so well!

Then he had an EA starting around 2019. Damnit. But for a year or so we were doing well and I forgot- took almost 10 years, but I forgot.

Sisoon

Im 10 years out from the first A, too. I still think about it and ruminate , especially now that there’s been a second affair (affair 1 was 2009-2010, affair 2 was 2019-2020)

In that space I did think about ow1 on the antiversary. Almost like I was reliving what happened at the time. (They were in a work trip together, shut down the bar and went back to someone’s room). That week, it’s November 16-20, at night I think of them and get sort of flash back/ mind movies and think how the hell could my Wh have done this?

In 2018 or so I realized I’d missed that week. Didn’t think about the affair. Thought Wh and I are doing so well!

Then he had an EA starting around 2019. Damnit. But for a year or so we were doing well and I forgot- took almost 10 years, but I forgot.

I still feel less than and like I was the reason he cheated. It’s not true, I know this in my head, but the heart and mind often differ.

You’ve been heard and understood, friend.

Sissoon,

It’s been a while since I posted. You’ve contributed so much over the years. You’ve helped me immensely. Bigger, tushnurse, wwtl, and so many others.

I don’t have a good memory, and I’ve lost some of the dates 8+ years ago. I realized this and I’m going to just let them go. Was it April 23rd or 25th? Or is that my brothers birthday the 28th? I could look it up and know. I saved it all. Sometimes I think I saved it so that I could relax knowing I don’t need to remember it.

Knowing what happened was so important to me because she refused to tell me and lied for so long. Having it secure let’s me be able to let it go.

For me it’s been a long long process of letting go and healing. Bit by bit the details will fade in the rear view mirror, and I will let them go. They can’t catch me now. There is so much to appreciate and look forward to. One can’t drive well looking in the rear view mirror all the time.

Thanks again for the help. Best of luck and prayers for you moving forward!

NP5

[This message edited by notperfect5 at 8:06 PM, August 26th (Wednesday)]

Sisoon, I guess my XWH did me a favor by cheating ALL the time, so it's hard for me to get triggered by a date given that any random day of the year is probably a day when he did something cheaty. I imagine I was spared this particular trigger as February 15th is the same as June 3rd is the same as December 10th or whatever for me. He befouled the entire calendar, so none of it matters date-wise. Probably even hit a leap year day.

I'm pretty sure nothing whatsoever you did contributed to your wife's affair. I'm sorry that you still trigger and have those moments, though. It's profoundly unfair. You're a fantastic guy. You were never fucked up and worthless. Much love to you, man.