SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband and I have been together for 9 years now and married for 2 years. We were always very honest towards eachother and communicated everything. I never found myself confronted with any cases of him talking to other women. He is the best man I’ve ever known, a family man, a good friend to me and to his friends, an example. I know he loves me and I love him too, a lot. I trust in him blindly. He always wanted kids but I was not ready. Last year in november we decided to start trying and got pregnant right away in december. Throughout my pregnancy I noticed him not being as excited that I expected him to be given the fact that he was always asking for a child. I thought maybe he was too busy at work (he is a policemen so he works irregular hours, tired most of the time) and didn’t have the time to focus on me and my needs. Sometimes I would tell him and he will apologize for not giving me much attention but he would continue being mentally absent.

While being 7 months pregnant I received an anonymous message on facebook telling me that my husband is lying to me and that they have proof. At first I did not think much of it because why would my husband be lying to me? I trusted in my husband and decided not to reply to the message and ask him directly. I knew if something is going on he will have to thell me. He was working at the moment that I received the message so I waited until the next day to ask him about it. The next day I told him I received a weird message and I read the message to him.

After that he became very quit and asked me to come into our room so he could talk to me. He said: you know I love you a lot right? I said yes. Then he said he: I failed you. I started crying, I could not believe this was happening to me. He told me he had a one night stand with a colleague in February and could not tell me because I was still very early in my pregnancy and he did not want anything to happen to our child. He told me it was a mistake that should not have happened, he regrets it a lot. For that reason he has not been able to sleep all those months and not been able to be attentive towards me, this mistake has been eating him up since. He said he was about to tell me about it because the same day I received the message (the day before) the colleague approached him telling him that she is also 3 months pregnant with his child. He does not know why she did not tell him earlier, but she is actually interested in him for a relationship so I think she waited the 3 months until she is sure he could not tell him to abort the child (I am sure my husband would not think of doing that but I really think that is the reason she waited to tell him because why else wouldn’t you tell ).

I am devastaded. This journey that is suppose to be the happiest journey of my life (pregnancy) has turned into a nightmare of constant crying. I demanded my husband to move out in that moment, he went to his parents house. But I miss him every day, he is my best friend. I am so confused, I want my family to stay together but at the same time I don’t want to accept him with a child of an affair. I know it was a mistake, but it was a HUGE mistake with consequences that we will have to deal with forever (the child), all this WHILE I AM PREGNANT. I know, this sounds horrible. While writing it feels horrible too. But I really don’t know what to do, I know I need my space, and sometimes I just want to call it quits but I love him so much and I know he regrets doing this.

My husband went personally to my parents to tell them about this and tell them that he failed their daughter. I talked to a couple of my closest people about this (mother, my brother and his girlfriend, two of my best friends) and they all say that they know I need my space now but they hope in the long run that we can work things out, that we belong together, that he loves me and he made on big mistake. I’m not sure I can handle this in the long run, right now my husband and I are on speaking terms most of the days but on some days I can’t stand talking to him/seeing him I cry a lot on those days (happens about once of twice a week). Right now I think we can deal with this because it still seem surreal (the other women is working abroad so we do not see her and he has no contact with her) but after a couple of months when the other baby arrives I don’t I can handle the reality of it all. My baby is due in August, the other baby is due in November.

My husband is cooperating throughout this process by answering any question I have. We are both going to therapy (separately, I have not decided to go to couples therapy yet, not sure I want to) and he is doing his best to be here for me and our child, he says that our family is his focus at the moment but I can’t help thinking about the other child every time someone talks to him about becoming a dad.

This situation is really f-ed up. I cannot believe my husband would put me and my baby through this, I know it was a mistake, and I know he loves me but I don’t know if I can ever forgive him for this and accept him with his other child.

I hope someone can help me find clarity in this situation, maybe someone with similar experience that has been able to forgive? or should I just call it quits? I don’t know.

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now, but please know that you're not alone. My husband cheated on me while pregnant with our second child and my memory of being in the delivery room wasn't pure joy, it was tainted with sadness and mistrust.

Others will come along with better advice, but considering that you have limited time before the baby arrives, and after that you'll be exhausted and leaking breastmilk and full of hormones, PLEASE start meeting with divorce lawyers NOW.

You do NOT have to divorce, but it's imperative that you find out what child support laws are in your state ASAP. In many places, the person who files first collects the most. In my state, child support is 17% of your income for one child.

To keep it simple, if your husband's annual income was $100, and the OW (other woman) files first, her child would get $17.

If you file second, you would be asking for 17% of his income after child support is deducted for her. So $100-$17=$83. 17% of 83 is $14.11.

Of course, laws and amounts vary from state to state, so please meet with at least three lawyers ASAP, and find out what the laws are where you are, and take every measure necessary to protect your unborn child.

Knowledge is power and you can figure out what you want to do after you have that information.

If this was a coworker, there was motive, means, and opportunity. I have to doubt it was a one and off. Consider sending him to take a polygraph. You might be able to bluff him into a fuller confession by insisting that you know it was more, but if he doesn't take the bait, you're still stuck getting the poly. If you catch him in one lie, who knows how many there are. And yes, it's possible that it was a ONS, but not probable. It's SOP for cheaters to claim it was only once.

Anyway, if the OW is actually pregnant, and that's a legitimate "IF" because she wouldn't be the first OW to lie about something like that, then she's got to prove paternity. (It's mighty curious that suddenly she's working overseas, right?) So, you've got some time. You'll have your baby first and hers will need to be born before she can get DNA testing. That gives you a few months to consider your options, because if you do decide to divorce, you're going to want to beat her to the child support. If you get there first, she gets less and vice versa.

I don't know what to tell you about R, that's something you'll need to decide for yourself. I can tell you that cheating is always about the cheater. There's a hole in his character which is capable of allowing him to say "yes" to cheating and lies. And it doesn't matter how sorry he is now. That hole needs to be remediated. He needs to learn how to really VALUE the things he says he believes in. An honest man who BELIEVES in the core value of fidelity to his spouse won't cheat without a gun to his head. It's a difficult, introspective, humbling process for a WS to make those corrections. And if this child really is his, there's two decades of child support coming out of your family budget. You'd have to decide up front if you will allow this child access to your home and your family, and if you decide to allow it, that OW will ALWAYS be on the periphery of your lives. It's a tough situation to be in.

But... the good news is that you still have time to weigh it all out. Your biggest priority right now is the safe delivery of your baby, so self-care is paramount. Make sure you're working with your doctor and that s/he knows what's going on. You'll need STD testing if you haven't already had it. In terms of your WH's involvement at delivery, feel completely free to be selfish about it. If you're feeling vulnerable around him and don't want him at the birth, don't allow anyone to pressure you. This birth is about YOU and YOUR BABY. It needs to be as stress-free as possible.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You're going to be okay though. I know it doesn't seem like it, but you will.

((hugs))

What are the odds that your husband slept with the OW just once and happened to get her pregnant?

And even if that is true, why is your husband so ready to believe that her baby is his?? Unless of course he believed that they were actually in a relationship.

Sorry to be saying this to you but I really don't think you have the whole truth.

Throughout my pregnancy I noticed him not being as excited that I expected him to be given the fact that he was always asking for a child.

Why wasn't he excited about the baby in December, January and February?

when the other baby arrives I don’t I can handle the reality of it all.

If you stick around, you will have the other woman and the other child in your life for the next 18 years.

I'm sorry this totally sucks but I think you should seriously consider moving on.

[This message edited by aussiemel at 11:16 PM, July 27th (Monday)]

I know it was a mistake, and I know he loves me but I don’t know if I can ever forgive him for this and accept him with his other child.

You keep repeating that this was a "mistake", unless he tripped and his penis fell on her vagina by accident let me tell you that this was a very conscious decision to cheat. He willingly and consciously made that DECISION, workplace As are very common and typically not a ONS type of situation, there's typically flirting, hidden communication between the APs, lunch dates (which later become quickies, bjs and/or makeout sessions), he kept this information from you and only admitted to it when he knew the OW decided to tell you and only because she's pregnant and he could not have hidden it forever, he's now a proven cheater and liar who stabbed you in the back when you were most vulnerable and committed the ultimate betrayal to you.

You need to face reality and remove him from the pedestal you have him, you've only been married 2 years and he's already cheating on you, he also played russian roulette and risked your health and your child's by exposing you to potentially life threatening STDs (make sure you get tested), you were supposed to still be in the honeymoon phase, life typically only gets tougher without infidelity and an OC (Other Child) in the mix, the OC will be a constant reminder of his betrayal, I suggest you cut your losses and file for D.

If you insist on giving R a chance, get ready for one of the most daunting and difficult things you would have to overcome in your entire life and with absolutely NO guarantees. Keep in mind you at some point would most likely have to interact with OW and OC (if it turns out to be his), birthdays, weekends with dad, playing with sibling (your child), etc., again a constant reminder of his huge betrayal. Contact a D attorney to know your legal options, keep posting frequently. Others will chime in with more suggestions.

What is the plan to prove paternity of the OW’s baby?

This is awful for you, and I am so sorry you have to deal with it.

However, I have to agree with: "I'm sorry this totally sucks but I think you should seriously consider moving on."

If you stay in the marriage the next 20 years will be hell for you, and for him; even if he stays with you, not so much. Cheaters have an amazing ability to not even see the pain they cause.

Others have said you have time to decide, but I am not sure I agree. You need to get your child support established as soon as legally possible. If he accepts responsibility for the child, I don't think she has to wait for DNA. Don't let her get there first.

You need a good lawyer, get the best you can. You and the lawyer can work out how it will be paid for. In many states if he is the working spouse he will have to pay for your lawyer.

Please take care. I know from experience having my financial assets in place and protected helped immensely in easing my emotional state. It was only then that I could start to make sound decisions.

To save you a bit of time the following are probably lies.

LIE 1. He had a one night stand.

TRUTH. It was a much longer affair with multiple trists.

LIE 2. He told me it was a mistake that should not have happened, he regrets it a lot. For that reason he has not been able to sleep all those months and not been able to be attentive towards me, this mistake has been eating him up since.

TRUTH. He has been spending all his sexual energy having sex with his affair partner and he just didn't have enough juice for you too.

LIE 3. He was going to tell you.

TRUTH. He was going to avoid telling you for as long as possible, maybe even forever.

LIE 4. He only just found out about the pregnancy.

TRUTH. He has known for a while and the reason she told you was to force him to make a decision because he has been flapping around for too long.

I realise this is terribly stressfull for you but I think you should avoud couples counselling while he is still clearly lying. It makes a mockery out of things and does more harm than good. You would be better off doing individual counselling until he passes a polygraph.

[This message edited by Smillie at 7:59 AM, July 28th (Tuesday)]

Hi, I want to add as others have said, I'm so sorry your husband did this. This is your first child, and you and your spouse should be over the moon over the future birth.

Right now you need to take care of yourself and your unborn child. Call your MD and explain the situation. You will probably need an STD panel asap.

In the meantime, I also suggest meeting with a couple of lawyers just to know your rights. Without a doubt, the OW will file for child support the minute the baby is born. You need to get one step ahead of her.

I'd also insist on a paternity test as soon as feasibly possible.

I'm not sure your husband is being truthful, more than likely they slept together more than once, waywards pretty much ALWAYS minimize their despicable actions to protect themselves. I'd insist on a polygraph.

Take this time to lean on your family and close friends for support. You don't need to go through this trauma alone.

Sending a virtual hug....

I am so sorry your WH did this to you and your child. This should be a most special time and he has tainted it by his selfishness.

I do agree with others that there is more to his story. My FWH also had affairs with coworkers. ThE one that was sexual involved many meetings after work pretending that he was working. While those did not involve sexual release, it did involve hugging and kissing. He also went out of town with her for work.

Take care of you and your baby first. Is he looking for another job? Hard to do now with lockdowns.

Your WH is a dickhead, and I’m so angry for you.

Keep in touch and let us know what is happening with you. We care.

I’m so sorry for what he has done to you. Like others said consult an attorney ASAP. I know you are in shock right now, you describe your Husband as you knew him or thought you did, you think “he’s a great guy, this is a mistake”.

On Dday, I couldn’t believe my loving, caring Wife, could be so cruel. When I first got here someone cautioned me to be careful this doesn’t age well, I found out this truth later. It’s a crazy roller coaster ride, as soon as you feel good, it all comes crashing back at you. You don’t have to decide right now on D or R but definitely consult an attorney. Stick around there are great people here further down the path that can help guide you. Best Wishes

Of all the cheating scenarios we've all witnessed, I feel this has to be the worst for a wife. While you were focused on entering a new phase of your life together as a family, your husband was more interested in another woman.

As others have said, it's highly unlikely that it was "just one time", that's just not the way affairs develop. People do not just jump into bed with a co-worker out of the blue; it usually happens after a long period of boundary violation -- both emotional and physical. And once it happens, it does not stop after a single instance. Your husband was disengaged throughout your pregnancy, not just after his supposed one time "mistake". How does he explain the fact that he was emotionally investing in another relationship rather than his impending fatherhood? His co-worker isn't just "interested" in a relationship with him, she had one and she intends to keep it going. However well meaning your family and friends may be, they are ignoring reality: that what they call his "one big mistake" was to cultivate a relationship with with another woman at the very time his loyalty to you should have been at its strongest. Are they saying you "belong" to someone who couldn't be faithful at this time; that your fate is to be with a man whose betrayal will be forever part of your life?

Your husband's lover messaged you that he was lying to you and yet he hadn't actually told you anything. What lies was he telling her? What exactly had he intended to do about having a girlfriend while his wife was pregnant? His family was clearly not his focus for months, why would you believe him now?

Aside from counseling, what other concrete steps has your husband taken that would enable you to trust him? Is he looking for another job? Has he asked for an in vitro DNA test? Does he understand what it will mean for him to be obligated to support two different "families"

Your first priority has to be your baby. Consult a lawyer right now and do what is necessary to preserve your child's support. If that means filing immediately, do it. Keep up the separate therapy, that's vital for you. Get your labor and delivery plan in place. Find someone who is 100% in your corner to be with you during and after delivery. Be clear with your relatives and friends, that if they cannot put you first and refrain from "the big mistake" theory, they should probably not impose their presence on you when you are most vulnerable. Learn to shut them down when they start talking that way and find comfort where it is offered without strings.

[This message edited by NotInMyLife at 3:43 PM, July 28th (Tuesday)]

mademoiselle29, I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Your story is very similar to mine, except my exWW was the other women. She cheated with her boss, and his wife was 7 months pregnant at the time. My Wife was not pregnant, THANK GOD.

I think what you need to understand is that this other women is a damn whore. The worst kind there is. She was interested in stealing your husband, while you were so down and out. Its like kicking a grandma thats already on the ground. There is absolutely no excuse for her behavior. If she works with him, you need to out her immediately. She needs to be shown as the slut whore that she is.

Secondly, I think you have to look at your husband as being the biggest piece of shit there is as well. He's def lying about the extent of the affair. He knew you were carrying his child, yet he chose to fuck around when he should have been home helping you and taking care of you. You cannot trust him. You were at your most vulnerable and he let you down. How do you trust him again.

Since you are further along, you better listen up. You need to talk to an attorney, b/c when she has delivers her child, she is going to come after your husband for child support. Especially if he decides that he is going to try to work it out with you, and dump her. Which is sounds like he is trying. You need to make sure you get to the child support first, otherwise your child will be left at a disadvantage. Should you decide to divorce down the road b/c its not working out, you'll be second in line for child support. Know your rights, its tough but you have to take care of business.

Again, I'm sorry you find yourself here. I know what you're going thru, b/c I was there myself. I couldn't understand how my wife could have been such a life sucking whore, one so low to steal another women husband while she was 7 months pregnant. They even met up the day after the OBS gave birth. That is how pathetic those two are. They're low lifes. And no one will ever disagree with you on that point. So make it be known.