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Nevermind

[This message edited by wbg7 at 12:06 AM, July 12th (Sunday)]

Are you OK wbg7?

I remember some of your post, and started to respond a couple of times, but everything sounded weird. Sounds like your wife (I guess WW or MHW) revenge affaired and has been especially cruel to you.

I am a BW, and I did go through a phase of "You have no right to be upset or say anything critical to me at all" phase with my WH. I very much felt like no matter what I said or did, he should just take it. That was when I was nothing but rage and sadness. That has somewhat subsided (though I stil have my moments).

The thing is I think at the heart of it, most of us betrayed get that you're going through something as well. It's just hard to see past our pain and allow it, I guess, if that makes sense. Your WW may very well feel justified in everything she's throwing out at you. I certainly did (though I didn't go the RA route). Even though you cheated though, you're still a person, and you're allowed to feel and be upset. Since you're in a MH situation, you both need to both be doing some work.

I think there is some stuff a W needs to take, like the constant questions, even anger, etc. When it turns into just keeping you around as a punching bag, then I guess that's where a line starts getting crossed.

Are you in MC? Maybe it's something you can discuss there. I know a lot of people say to forego MC at first, but when you're trying to find out how to relate to each other, it may be necessary.

[This message edited by landclark at 10:11 AM, July 13th (Monday)]

I can relate to this post. My BS has been very aggressive at times and has even said these exact words. It is true that we are humans and everyone has a right to be upset, but from her standpoint the amount of pain, hurt, trauma that my affair has caused has, by her viewpoint, taken away all my rights to be angry, upset or disappointed with anyone during discussions.

I didn't see your post, but at least from the title I remember when I was at this stage.

The thing I wish I could go back to tell myself is to look at that upset, try and figure out what it is telling me. If I stood outside of my own situation and heard each side of the story second hand, what would be my conclusion? Then look at what you are feeling - where your resistance is and why.

I don't know how far out you are but a lot of us are really bad communicators. When things get overwhelming just try and listen to your spouse and acknowledge their feelings as valid and even the reasons they have those feelings as valid. If you do not know the answer, say I do not know but I will think about it and get back to you. Then take some time to process it and get back with them as soon as possible. I think we tend to esculate situations and that ends up being more overwhelming. It's difficult to answer everything because often during our horrible actions we were not fully present with what they are asking about.

Work on apologizing sincerely, and staying calm. The less you esculate the situation by bringing your own anger and defensiveness the less productive communication can be. Remind yourself that your BS is raging but they are still there. They are hurting and the more they can express it, the more they can process it. It's so neccessary. So, you do need to put your feelings aside and be there for them.

Do you have a right to feel upset when they are calling you names or yelling? Not really - because you have to recognize what you did to them is worse. They are acting this way because you caused them to act this way.

Let me paint you a picture....

Let’s say your spouse sat around all day. Did nothing. While you worked your ass off all day. Cooking cleaning running errands and take care of the kids. Your getting ready to sit down for dinner that you slaved over for hours. Your spouse comes to the dinner table and starts bitching about the dinner you made! How would this make you feel? Pretty freaking pissed off knowing you were the one doing everything and they did nothing. Do you think they would have the right to really bitch about a thing at that point? Probably not

Now put infidelity in the story. It’s like your BS put everything into the M and didn’t cheat. You did nothing and cheated. Do you think your BS is going to be worried about not making the right dinner that night? No probably not.

Another thing us WS needs to try to understand we will never know the actually pain the BS is going through. How it over takes their mind and it’s all they can think about. It’s hard for them to stop thinking about the betrayal we caused them. It’s like they only see and think about that. Nothing else in the world really matters.