SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So... hi. It's been a while. Sorry for not being here for so long.

I left my ex in October. Haven't gone back - though it helps that he's been in jail since November. I haven't had contact with him for the last two months, no matter how much a certain family member tries to guilt me into it. The last conversation, I confirmed that he will definitely have his divorce.

Since I haven't filed yet, even though I've made clear that it's over, I wanted to know: what are good guidelines for interacting with people of the opposite gender? Mind you, in my M, ex pretty much said that so much as being polite to another man was leading him on, and accused me of infidelity even when I avoided other men like the plague.

I'm sure the advice will be not to sleep with people until I'm fully divorced. Are there exceptions to this? I miss physical touch. Would getting a massage be inappropriate?

I am not planning on dating for a very long time, if ever again. What I have been noticing, though, are feelings of attractions to other people. I emphasize, I do NOT act on these feelings. I notice them, feel guilty about having them, and then wind up learning from them. Specifically, I'm learning about my own wiring and what traits are healthy to be attracted to and what traits aren't. I'm learning what respect looks like.

When you're in a community and someone often pretends you don't speak, but then shares your ideas and gets credit for them, even in a community that encourages people to "steal like an artist"... that tells me that such a person is trying to make me invisible, otherwise they would credit me. The correct response isn't to try to prove myself to them or anyone else in that community - it's to stay the hell away from them so they won't suck out more of my soul.

Why do I feel the need to prove myself? I'm guessing feelings of inferiority. So I need to address those and learn to feel good about myself without external validation. I'm slowly getting there. I'm learning to be more comfortable with silences.

I just really, really, really miss physical touch.

Sorry, just wanted to add: I'm not interacting with people and won't be until the shelter-in-place orders are over. Just wanted to make that clear. The isolation has its benefits and disadvantages. Right now, I'm trying to think about how to have the healthiest interactions with people once the pandemic is on the decline.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 12:05 AM, April 2nd (Thursday)]

Absolutely do not date until you are emotionally ready.

A professional massage is a great way to get human physical touch without the risk of emotional intimacy. It is also completely appropriate if religious restrictions require you to wait till you are fully divorced to be physically intimate with someone. My best friend has been single for many years. She gets a professional massage once a month. She swears by it.

That said, it seems you will have to wait until this pandemic issue has passed, as massage therapists cannot do their work while standing more than 6 feet away.

As far as interacting with other adults, any verbal interaction while maintaining your boundaries will help you heal. I used to chat up the cashiers at my local supermarket, and the deli workers. It was a way of talking to new people and branching out beyond my tight circle of friends in a safe way. It made me smile and brightened my day. You can still do things like that during the pandemic because those are the places that are still open. Those employees are stretched to their limit right now and are likely a bit afraid. Thank them for their hard work, crack a joke or two, and deliver a big smile. I know they will appreciate it. I also just chat with strangers while running errands or out walking my dog. FYI, having a dog with you is an instant ice breaker. "What kind of dog is that?, So cute, etc etc"

Good luck, silver. It seems like you have your head screwed on straight and are going about this healing business the right way. You're going to be more than fine!!

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 6:21 AM, April 2nd (Thursday)]

Duplicate

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 6:18 AM, April 2nd (Thursday)]

I'm sure the advice will be not to sleep with people until I'm fully divorced. Are there exceptions to this?

I'd say of course there are exceptions. You may feel better in a moral sense if you at least serve the papers first.

In my opinion, the only reason to avoid sex until the divorce is a religious one; if that doesn't apply, and the relationship is over, then go for it.

What I have been noticing, though, are feelings of attractions to other people.

Ahh, I can remember that happening back in the day as my marriage was finally, really coming to an end and I was emerging from the purgatory cocoon. Feels great. And in spring of all seasons!

I really, truly believe that you can date whenever you're ready and sleep with whoever you want (after quarantine). It's important, of course, that your relationship with WH is *really* over and you're moving to D.

If you do end up connecting with someone, it's also important that you're honest with them about where you are emotionally, in your D process, what your intentions are, etc.

One thing you could consider doing, when you're ready, is opening a free account on a dating site or app. Don't upload any pictures of yourself or anything...just check out what the dating scene in your area looks like, maybe scan some profiles. I personally think that can be a positive exercise in moving on and considering your future and has no real impact on anyone.

Oh, it's definitely over. If nothing else, there's a restraining order until 2027, and the CPS would definitely take away our son if I went back to my ex-abuser. Which is partially why I've been hesitant to serve him - I'm afraid of escalating him and his violence. My therapist and I had decided to hear how long he's going to be in jail for; if it's for closer to a year, then I serve him ASAP so he'll have time to get over it while he's in jail and can't harm me.

Which gives several reasons why I'm waiting to date. I don't want to wind up with another abuser, so I'm learning to spot signs in advance. I'm trying to learn what a healthy individual looks like. Also, I don't want to potentially put a romantic partner in danger should my ex decide to attack me. He's threatened my life a few times. And also: I want to have room to be myself, to rediscover what I like and what makes me happy about life, and to build my son's sense of safety and happiness. I need to focus on him and helping him heal from witnessing the abuse.

I am not part of any religions, so I don't have that holding me back. I would ideally love to find a friend with benefits to enjoy physical relief. I know about myself that emotional attachment is a separate process from sex - I can have sex without getting emotionally attached. But I would need to be mindful that a FWB wouldn't be getting emotionally attached either. I don't want to hurt anyone.

So it seems like for now, I will wait a bit longer before doing even that (and I mean beyond just the pandemic). Will keep talking to clerks, cashiers, workers who are out, and show them kindness (I love your strategy, WhoTheBleep, and I've been doing that too!) and just get used to talking to people again who don't wish me harm. My thoughts sometimes tell me that they secretly think all the bad things my ex said, so perhaps more mental exercises to combat that. And I like your idea, Okokok, of setting up a low-info profile just to check out the scene. I definitely wouldn't want to date someone from online anyway. I'd much rather be friends with someone before dating them, because then I have more time to know who they really are and if they're safe.

Thank you both. Stay safe!!!

I splurged and bought myself an amazing vibrator. My rational was it would keep me from jumping into bed with anyone due to horniness and lonliness. Worked wonders :)

I do have one of those.

I am wondering, though... When is it appropriate to "jump into bed" with someone? I'm asking this question to know what sorts of parameters others set. Are there certain requirements that must be met first? Do you know them a certain way first? What gives the green light for you?

Mind, I'm also not immune to the lifelong effects of sex-shaming, which is yet another reason that while I might very much crave having a FWB, I'm not going out to find a FWB *or* a relationship (even beyond the pandemic) without having an idea of what's healthy first. My ideal would probably be with someone who is already a friend. But I don't exactly have many friends.

As a woman, is it considered ill-advised to have a FWB? Also, what "should" the dating process look like for a woman?

The more I think about it, the more I think I'd best just remain alone. I don't want to be slutty or disgusting.

I personally favor a very slow process and am personally not a. fan of FAB but rather a focus on healthy touch which for me is a part of monogamy. I need that to feel safe. People are different about this I am sure.

Of course that is probably why I did not feel safe in my marriage...

PS I am a big fan of fully informed consent and honesty after surviving what amounts to unconsensual sex with my ex (since he lied about PA and I would never have been intimate with him at that point or maybe ever had he not lied).

I totally agree with you about informed consent, Shehawk. What your ex did to you, lying about the PA and withholding information that would affect your body, your consent, and your health, is imo a form of abuse.

I would absolutely let any potential partners know about my situation fully.

At the moment, it's become a non-issue again. Thanks in large part to the pandemic, I've gone back to my people-avoiding ways, though I do miss physical touch. Though spending the last several weeks with my only contact being family members who remind me of my childhood sexual abuse as well as guilt-trip me about my ex, has proven to be a real drive killer. I've been dissociating from my body as much as possible, and the times I do inhabit it, I'm back to where my ex left me when he said he would move on and find someone who loves him but he hoped the world would never give me another guy because I ruin them all (he said that a few times, over the course of a year or so, before I successfully left him).

When I see myself from the outside - disabled mother with an abusive ex I haven't properly divorced yet - I really can't picture any sane person wanting to sleep with me, let alone date me. Plus my ex's words are still sticking out and I can't look at my body without thinking how ugly I am. He said, "You're fat and ugly and not one else will want you." And years of putting me down sexually. So I'm wanting to get healthy again, keep doing exercise and change my diet into something healthier, so that when I feel like I look good enough, then I'll rethink this, though I'm hoping when that time comes that I'll be strong enough to not do anything with anyone, no matter how much I miss physical/sexual touch. With my self-esteem already pretty low, no way am I giving this version of me for anyone else to deal with - and I don't want to ever feel like I did the wrong thing by getting involved with anyone. No more sex-shaming.

I figure, once I divorce him or alternatively once I have a solid year of No Contact (as of now, it's been 6 months since I left him and 3 months of NC), maybe then it would be morally OK, or at least not something I would deserve to be condemned for. Though, again, I would hope that until I manage to divorce him properly and go through the appropriate period of time, I won't give guys even a second glance. And hopefully not after then either. Why try to be with someone I'm never going to be good enough for? I'm not good enough for anyone.

Still figuring all this out. Sorry if this is all over the place (plus computer is lagging when I type, so it's interrupting my thoughts).