SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ve learned that my state recognizes fault divorces based on the grounds of adultery and, misconduct during the marriage. From the reading I have done in regards to this, it looks like the sexual misconduct alone would tilt the scales in my favor however, it goes on further to say that the court would seriously consider the misappropriated funds that were used during the “misconduct”. It all sounds encouraging but, I’ve been around the block more than a few times so, I know that just because it says that, it doesn’t mean it will factor into my circumstances.

My WH is a sex addict and, the best I can figure, has had a life long issue with it even tho, he was successful in hiding it from me until 5 years ago. We have been married 40+ years and, it was never in my life plan to divorce so, I’m pretty pissed that the only options I have are none I ever wanted.

My question is to anyone who filed and pursued divorce on grounds of adultry, what were the obstacles and how hard was it to “prove”?

In my state there are about 6 at-fault reasons for divorce. Proving most of them are not necessary because there is no place in any of the documents they want for evidence.

It’s just a statement that basically says I want a divorce because... and then goes into what you want out of the divorce. It becomes a non-issue if the STBX does not contest the divorce.

Anything after that, a lawyer would have to answer because I cannot read much further than that. I’m sorry.

Thanks Poisonette! I read reviews for attorneys in my area last night and have made a list of those I want to consult with. Trying to get appointments set up and put this whole miserable experience behind me.

My state does something similar. Xhole spent tens of thousands on secret child support (that he wasn't legally required to pay) for 15 years and I could have fought for half of that. When I confronted him about it, he of course denied it was that much. Well, it was, and I had emails to back it.

However, fighting for that meant a contested, drawn out divorce (read: extensive legal fees and major assache) versus an uncontested dissolution we could do ourselves and have completed a month or so after filing. I weighed my options and determined that in all likelihood a contested divorce would cost me much more (including losing the marital home that I wanted to keep) than what I would get out of half of the squandered marital assets. So I picked my battle and opted for the easier uncontested dissolution out. I got a better outcome, and he was out of my life much faster.

I don't regret my decision one iota and would do it that way again in a heartbeat. It just wasn't worth the fight emotionally or financially to prove a point that no one cared about but me.

So thoroughly weigh the pros and cons. Yes, it can be done, but only you can decide if it is worth the likely legal battle it would become.

In my state, if you sleep with WS after dday, it wipes out the ability to file on grounds of A.

Well, needless to say, an almost 5 year attempt at R “ for the greater cause” did include sex. I haven’t seen anything on the info site I’ve been reading about that so, I guess I’ll add a hat to my list of questions for the attorney.

I’ve been leaning towards D for a long while however, following a night of his occasional dick like attitude, it all came into focus and became crystal clear that I’m done. I’ve told him that I would be initiating the process of gathering the pertinent information to present at a consultation. I don’t think he really thinks I will but, I put 3 calls in today. So far, not one has returned my call. Hopefully, its just that they took an extra day off for the holidays. Hopefully, I can initiate a conversation with him and see if I can get him to agree to a fair settlement but, he isn’t known for keeping promises.

I watched my sister get royally screwed over after 42 years of marriage in an effort to expedite the process. I’ve worked damn hard for what I have and, have no intention of giving up easily but, I’m aware it’s a draining experience and one that can make you throw in the towel just

to get it over with.

I don’t want to fight over trivial things but, when you are dealing with a 10 year old, having a rational conversation can be tricky at best. Y’all know what I mean....

Hopefully the lawyer consult helps clear up your questions. Ny is a no fault state but infidelity CAN be considered in calculation of alimony and C.S from what I was advised by my lawyer.

Basically if I had hired a p.i to prove what I knew was going on I probably could have gutted her claims for alimony at the start of our divorce proceedings. But I looked at cost vs reward on that and figured it just wasn't worth it to me.

She got a favorable settlement from me just to expedite the process. This was after she fought me for 6 months though. Once she realized I truly could gut her and take half or more of everything she changed her tune quick.

My lawyer wasn't real happy I went against her advice. But with all the different things in play, I just wanted it over with before she could hurt others and lay that blame at my feet too.

Currently waiting for the rubber stamp from the state on our settlement, and my piss ant payout from her that won't even cover my legal fees I incurred fighting her.

I wish you well whichever route you choose to take.

Thanks for the replies! Our children are all grown so, no custody battles to be fought. I want to keep the marital home but, the payments are a little steep for me. Looking into apartments in my area it’s so close to a wash to not give it serious consideration. We refinanced 5 years ago (just 2 months before dday) and have 10 years remaining on the mortgage. I’m 61 and don’t think I will be able to remain in the workforce for another 7 years, which is my actual age to retire with full SS benefits.

I was the night by if I could get alimony or some other settlement in which he will have to pay the mortgage, I should be able to swing it. The house is too big and I can’t keep the maintenance up for long on my own. Our credit is shit because we were forced to file bankruptcy (another in the long line of things I never thought I’d have to do) because he was so reckless with his spending.

In my state I only had to prove there was an opportunity. We negotiated a settlement (not signed yet) without going to court. A big factor for me is my attorney threatened to depose OW -- not to confirm the adultery but that STBX was giving her money. I did find a lot of evidence of adultery (including a photo of them making out) but was told by my attorney judges do not care about infidelity anymore and it was unlikely to affect custody or the financial settlement (I am the breadwinner). However, I did find that playing hardball at the outset worked in my favor.

In my state I only had to prove there was an opportunity. We negotiated a settlement (not signed yet) without going to court. A big factor for me is my attorney threatened to depose OW -- not to confirm the adultery but that STBX was giving her money. I did find a lot of evidence of adultery (including a photo of them making out) but was told by my attorney judges do not care about infidelity anymore and it was unlikely to affect custody or the financial settlement (I am the breadwinner). However, I did find that playing hardball at the outset worked in my favor.

So, I have an appointment Jan. 2 at 8am....Happy New Year?!?! Consultation fee is $150 so, I need to get the best bang for my buck.

I feel like I’m moving in slow motion. Like, this isn’t really happening but, I KNOW I have to.

Can y’all help me formulate my questions? What was something important that you didn’t think to ask...tips?

I’m making a list but, seriously, I’m so lost. This is the last thing I ever expected to have to do.

My divorce was on adultery grounds, but it was a bit of an odd duck. I would've had to prove it (the court won't accept the adulterer's own confession as proof), but the magistrate told me (default/uncontested hearing) that if my son who was there as my divorce witness would also testify to witnessing the adultery after the separation (them acting as a romantic couple), then that met the requirement.

No idea if the ex is even aware it was finished that way, but it did give me a bit of satisfaction that it's on records somewhere.

It’s since changed, but when we filed, I could file at-fault and cite adultery as the reason–and was flat-out told by x that if I did so, he’d fight so much harder (he didn’t want it to be public record—kinda silly, given the risks he took, jobs he lost, people who knew; it pretty much was public) that it’d cost me much more.

Even uncontested (except on one issue), we both wound up with legal bills we’ll be paying off forever.

BUT, the outcome for me WAS favorable, it IS on public record he cheated (he’s a sociopath and represented himself until he appealed one matter—and because he wanted to torment me just a little more, insisted on trial so he could examine and cross-examine me. Turns out he looked like a buffoon and opened many doors for me to walk through to fault and infidelity. Not the cited cause of D, maybe—but the judge knows a lot more than he might have if X weren’t a sociopath.)

That said, I found as time passed that I really didn’t care what was on the record. I wanted the best settlement and I wanted the D finalized. Lawyers are pricy! The longer and more contentious, the more it costs.

[This message edited by solus sto at 9:54 AM, December 29th (Friday)]

See an attorney. They will best know what consists of proof and how you can get it. Mine recommended a PI. I did my homework and found a reputable, and reasonably priced, national PI firm. If you go that route, send me a PM and I can give you their info. I've had several friends use them.