SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is going to be a long one, so I apologize.

I've been kind of quiet lately. My WW moved back in after a little over a month of separation. Just before she moved back we had a couples counseling session that did not go very well. And just after, she wrote me the following letter.

I normally don't email but I understand that is medium of communication can still help with how we express what we want to say, though I don't think it's any less painful. The session last night was not helpful to both of us. Like I said, I wasn't expecting anything just that we could have a normal conversation for starters. I cried myself to sleep and woke up feeling depression creep in. I have been very good at managing my emotions for over 3 months now and it hasn't been easy. I know talking is difficult because uncontrolled emotions get the best of us. I also realize that we can interpret things differently from what is truly meant. Most of the time when I say something it's really just a statement nothing more. It's not meant to offend or even influence your thoughts, feelings, or reactions but I do understand how it can come across as that. I have attempted to talk many times and approached things differently each time it fails but I am running out of ideas now. We may never want to talk to each other again but if we ever do, I humbly ask that we try really hard to stay calm and control our emotions. I also ask that you ask me what I meant by anything that I say in case it may be misinterpreted and I will do the same. I don't expect you to agree with me and that is ok, I am open to suggestions. I just know what works for me.

I don't know if you think that my moving out was a bad move but I did that to give us both space that we really needed. I know that you mentioned you feel a sense of relief when I'm not around so I do what I can. I even slept in the living room for 2 months. This separation though has helped me personally. I hope it has helped you too. I've had a lot of time to reflect on the past and the present. I saw things reflected back to me like I was watching a mirror. It was all coming back around to me. What you're thinking and feeling and how you're reacting are somethings that I've done to you when I was going through my own shit. Some things I'm aware of and some I ask about because I don't know. I know I asked you if I ever held things over your head and you said yes. That particularly I am not aware of and I am truly sorry. The reason, not the excuse because I don't believe in that anymore, is that I know I did something wrong also so I couldn't just blame you. I know I was cold and distant like you are now but I think we have different reasons. I know that I was disappointed in you and not really angry but I can see how my reactions would come across as that and even bitterness. (BIL) said something interesting to me when I told him that you didn't want me to come with you and kids to take (DD18) because you want to bond with them. He sensed something else there. He said you're in the "get even" stage. Perhaps deep down you were trying to get even? Did I ever do that? I know the thing that I do when I get hurt and when I hurt someone is I pull myself away and push people away. I think with you its excluding the people that hurt you. I understand that. You may even think that about me and I have thought about that too. But, I know that I always want all of us to spend time together, I wanted for you to come to the Philippines with me, and even Iceland so... I don't know how you will interpret that. I think right now you may be in the stage of indifference? I know I went through it. I was aware that it would happen even if I didn't want to but if you're drained in every way it is inviting. And I did become indifferent in a lot of ways. What was left for me was acceptance and what helped me is thinking of all the good that we had and how good you are. That has never wavered for me. I know you don't think I am and ever was a good person but believe that there was good in our relationship and proof of that is our kids. I am sharing this with you because I am seeing some similarities in your situation now and with what I went through. Like what you said last night, you weren't ready to deal with something like this and so was I. I know you don't believe that our pain is the same at all because of the mistake. I am not saying it that our pain is the same but it may have come across that way and I realize that I have to learn to rephrase my statements. What I am trying to say is that I think pain is relative. I mean only that, not to make you feel bad in any way but if it does I am sorry. I don't expect you to agree with it. I also believe that we are the only ones that can control our thoughts, emotions, and actions. I also mean just that. I have been guilty then and now of not being in control of those and I'm trying really hard now to do that because there are so many things that I can't. I also learned that we can learn to love ourselves again even with our mistakes. We don't let our shortcomings become who we are, we rise above it and think of all the good still left in us and the good we can still accomplish. I keep in mind. I'm not saying that you will experience the same things I did because there are similarities, our own journey is independent of each other.

One thing I've come to accept is if I'm doomed to be alone, at least I won't hurt anyone else whereas some people choose to be alone so they don't get hurt. I feel that you want to change me a certain way that fits your needs? I could be wrong, it's just a feeling. If you're feeling the same, I think you are who you are and deep down you are good and that's all that matters. If you want to change it's up to you but do it for you. Did I ever make you feel like you need my approval? I'm sorry if I did but you never needed that from me. I just want us to be healthy again. I know you can't have a relationship with me other than being your wife. I was worried before that we would become bitter but I know you are good and that won't happen. I want you to know that I am here for you. An I really am grateful that you are thinking of my safety. I'm sorry if this is all over the place. There's a lot on my mind. I'm not expecting anything out of this. This is me trying to have a normal (as normal goes) and healthy conversation. I try not to lash out because I know I'll only feel bad about but if it helps you... I have to say though, on this end, it doesn't feel so good to receive it. I am truly sorry for everything. I now have a dark past that I know will haunt me the rest of my life but I won't let that defeat me. And I hope you won't either.

I'm a little hesitant to post it here because I know I'll get roasted. She moved back home just a couple days before Irma hit us. So now I'm back to weathering this shit storm again.

Thoughts on what she wrote? My head's been a bowl of jelly lately and I need a few sets of eyes to help me interpret this.

She's using you as a fall back plan. She also wants you to tell her she's not a bad person and that what she did wasn't so bad and please accept part of the blame for her terrible actions.

The word "I" was used 110 times. "You" 43. I counted.

She's a sad and lonely sausage but I'm not seeing any regret for what she did to you - sorry about being blunt. I can certainly understand that it's tough to see someone you care for in pain.

Did she really just call what she did a "mistake"? That would have pissed me off. She doesn't get the gravity of her betrayal and likely never will.

Seems an awful lot of projection there. She is labeling your feelings and she is kind of painting you as controlling her? I would not be having that crap. At. All. She is so trying to manipulate you. Take everything she is saying about you and change it to be about her. I bet that will fit so much better.

I feel that you want to change me a certain way that fits your needs?

No, you want her to be the decent person you married who doesn't lie and cheat. Really. You want her to change? She wants you to change is what she is saying.

[This message edited by Kalma at 1:31 PM, September 14th (Thursday)]

Seriously? She still thinks it was a mistake? Brother, until she is willing to acknowledge she made the choices she made, she is dodging responsibility for her actions.

There is really not much point in addressing anything else in that email. She still doesn't get it.

Strength brother

[This message edited by 5454real at 1:44 PM, September 14th (Thursday)]

What I noticed is that she does a lot of this telling you how she is feeling but asking you if you ever felt like that.

He said you're in the "get even" stage. Perhaps deep down you were trying to get even? Did I ever do that?

It's her way of telling you that you are treating her badly by asking if she ever did that to you. "Are you trying to change me?" I would never try to change you...

"I was cold and distance and now you are cold and distance..." It kind of makes the letter all about her and her feelings not about you. She also never mentions the Affair... just that she had some shit she was dealing with. She doesn't really apologize just talks about how she is feeling now.

Your situation has been dissected many times throughout your threads. There is no remorse here - only inwardly directed regret and a pretty healthy pity party to boot. The sooner you get her out of your life as much as possible, the happier and better off you will be. The recurring theme of your story is that your wayward has been 'checked out' for years. This message very much reflects that attitude and state of mind.

I don't know why we would roast you over something your wife wrote. That said, it's a bunch of blameshifting, gaslighting, rug-sweeping bullshit.

My interpretation:

1. She blames you for making her communicate by email. Because you have too many emotions, and she doesn't like that. So, please stop emoting. She doesn't have emotions, so she doesn't understand why you do.

2. If she has said something or says something in the future that upsets you, you are definitely misinterpreting it.

3. She wants everyone to forget about her "mistake" and not talk about it. You are a bad person who holds a grudge if you don't get over it right now. Any attempt to discuss it will be viewed as holding it over her head. Any request for compromise from her will be you wanting to get even or control her. (But remember, if she says something offensive, it's just her making a statement and you are misinterpreting it entirely.)

4. You made mistakes, too. You did something in the marriage (she doesn't mention what but starts talking as though you are madhatters, which I'm pretty sure you aren't), which caused her to beome cold and distant. But she never held it over your head (she doesn't recall ever holding anything over your head, so it never happened - must just be your imagination).

5. Her pain, from whatever invented or real marital discord you've had in the past, is equivalent to your pain as a betrayed spouse.

6. Even if you end up splitting from her, she will be the bigger person, because she is splitting up to prevent causing you more pain, while you are selfishly splitting up to reduce your own pain. Also, if we split up, let's stay friends and please keep looking after me.

7. She's willing to overcome her dark (and romantic) past. Why can't you?

This is about as self-centred, self-serving, blameshifting, gaslighting, rugsweeping a communication as I may have ever seen on here.

So sorry you are dealing with this, squid! Many hugs to you!

Eh...blah blah bleh...my Bullshit meter just hit a 10. All about her...

Hawke,

That is the distillation that I am looking for.

Blah blah blah

Iceland.

Blah blah blah

Mistake

blah blah blah.

If I'm alone, it's so I don't hurt anyone. If you're alone it's because you're too scared to love again.

Blah blah blah.

Don't let my deep dark past defeat you.

So squid- what do you want? Do you want to try to R? She's got a lot of work to do. Actions will show much more than emails.

Minnesota,

So squid- what do you want? Do you want to try to R? She's got a lot of work to do. Actions will show much more than emails.

My stance is this: There are only two ways out of this. R or D. I won't settle for going back to our shitty marriage, as she wants. Obviously, she's only staying because it's financially advantageous for her. She complains about having to work full time while trying to finish school.

When I say I know I'll get roasted, it's because (as Sananman said) my situation has been well dissected and the decision I need to make is painfully obvious. She doesn't get it. She will likely never get it. Time to move on. So why the hell am I continuing to choose this??

I hate the fact that she cheated, yet I have to do the dirty work and file. It's certainly not what I fucking want. I'm a goddam broken record. But I know that I'll be made out to be the bad guy in my kids' eyes because I simply couldn't man-up and take her back. Or because I couldn't become the husband that she needed and that I somehow caused her to cheat. I know that's not the truth. But I know that will be in the ether.

Yes, she has a lot of work to do. But she seems to think that we're on even ground and therefore doesn't believe there any "more" that she needs to do.

Oh squid

I read your post while waiting at the luggage carousel. I let out such a groan the women next to me asked me if I was alright.

I have never in all my life seen such self possessed prose.

All the others here have already pointed this out to you but if this does not now show you how critical it is that you now take action to surgically remove this woman from your life I don't know what will.

[This message edited by ohforanewme at 3:43 PM, September 14th (Thursday)]

In other words, absolutely nothing has changed. She still doesn't get the gravity of her actions.

I hate the fact that she cheated, yet I have to do the dirty work and file. It's certainly not what I fucking want. I'm a goddam broken record. But I know that I'll be made out to be the bad guy in my kids' eyes because I simply couldn't man-up and take her back. Or because I couldn't become the husband that she needed and that I somehow caused her to cheat. I know that's not the truth. But I know that will be in the ether.

You are making some HUGE assumptions here about how your kids will react, and I don't think you are giving them credit at all for being bright, intelligent human beings. They are much better served with a strong father that will stand up for himself and demand respect in a relationship over someone willing to settle for less and be treated with such disrespect. That is a tremendous life lesson for them to witness as they grow up and begin their own relationships. By filing, you are taking back control and removing a toxic person from your life.

What would you tell you kids to do if they are ever in this same situation?

I totally get the continuing to choose this. You have to decide what your limits are and how much pain you're willing to put yourself through knowing she could (is likely to) do this again after R.

You have to get past what she's going to say about you, because she's going to do that whether you R or D. The kids have brains. Most kids can figure out what's going on based on your actions, not just words.

I read it...lots of bullshit, and she still isn't owning any of it.

That's how I see it.

Not trying to be snarky, but why would you be the bad guy if you filed for divorce because SHE had an affair and is unremorseful? You would be showing strength that you will not tolerate the disrespect that an affair is.

I agree with NutMeg.

I read through the letter as well, and she's still in the fog. Most of it seems very flat and honestly doesn't come near being apologetic enough for me.

One thing I've come to accept is if I'm doomed to be alone, 

What the F!? I read this and see her trying to use guilt. You are the reason that she is "doomed" nah, she made choices and that has caused her to be alone, but never doomed.

I cried myself to sleep and woke up feeling depression creep in

Not your problem or your fault she is upset with the repercussions of her actions.

Most of the time when I say something it's really just a statement nothing more. It's not meant to offend or even influence your thoughts, feelings, or reactions

So what i read is that she is hoping you beleive her when she says this. That you are wrong in interpreting what she says. Pull the wool over your eyes and not see what she is actually doing which is minipulating.

"I know I was cold and distant like you are now"

"I think with you its excluding the people that hurt you."

He said you're in the "get even" stage"

I think your being a monster and so does everyone else. See see, you need to be nicer to me cause I'm a victim.

I could take this apart more but I'll just give my .02.

Shes trying to see where you are so she knows what angle to came from. Right now she is clueless on where YOU are emotionally and she needs to know so she can minipulate the game so you stay. Right now she is digging, hoping to hit a nerve and get you to react not respond. We all know reacting shows all our cards and leaves us very vulnerable. A responce (im guessing thats what you do) doesnt show our hand and leaves people like her guessing and feeling like its out of HER control. Tiugh fuckin cookies lady. You have control on what happens and she doesnt like it so in one email has used so many control tactics my head spun.

ETA:

But I know that I'll be made out to be the bad guy in my kids' eyes because I simply couldn't man-up and take her back. Or because I couldn't become the husband that she needed and that I somehow caused her to cheat

.

Look, im going to give you a bit of my life and how my oldest handled it

Shes a teen but has rare disorder that causes her to be behind maturity wise and misses most if not all social Qs. So a socially awkard 9 year old in a hormonel teen body. I sat her down amd explained what was going on and why and she got it, didnt judge or think i was ripping the familt apart. No, she said " good, WS didnt deserve you and now you can be happy. He screwed up mom and im proud of you". If my oblivious angel baby can grasp that i had to D to be happy then i truelly believe yours will as well. We sometimes have to brake that sitgma mold to grow and be better then we were.

[This message edited by Neverbeblindagain at 9:28 PM, September 14th (Thursday)]