SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Apologies in advance if any of this ground is well-trodden, but I'm new here and I am in desperate need of some help.

First, my story --

BH and I have been together since freshman year of college. After graduating, we moved across the country for him to pursue his career, to a town where we knew no one. We built a life together here, just us 2. Supporting, encouraging, and sometimes grieving together. Things were starting to happen for him -- this gamble we made was finally starting to pay off, and then I had to go and ruin everything.

A little over a year and a half ago, I got assigned as a resource on a project at work with a new coworker (AP). The project went really badly, and resulted in lots of long hours at the office trying to fix it, which put us in close contact almost daily. This was when the EA started, escalating to PA after a few months. I could go into the reasons "why" for the A, but they feel like excuses. I'm not sure if it's just because I can't articulate them well enough, or if I have some more digging to do.

AP no longer works at my company, but we kept in contact and would see each other often, depending on schedules (meeting for sex a little over once a month, starting in November). We talked/texted every day, right up until DDay.

3.5 weeks ago, AP's wife found a letter I had written him right after he quit. It was emotional, and spoke of "in another life" what might have been. She sent a scan of it to BH, who of course confronted me about it. When I knew the jig was up, I hastily deleted *everything* about the A in a panic to destroy evidence and try to save my hide. I TT'ed big time - only telling him what I thought I could get away with. Of course that didn't work -- it never works. Even the little I told him was devastating to him -- I could see the light leave his eyes immediately, and it hasn't come back.

Since then, I've TT'ed some more (coupled with forced disclosure), though it's mostly all out in the open now. I say "mostly" only because I've realized that I'll never be able to proactively know and tell him the answer to every question he will ever have. I am not keeping anything from him, and am working on a timeline of everything I can remember in order to disclose as much as I can (though he's already compiled one himself). For his future questions, I am committed to answering him honestly, no matter what.

With a couple of small slip ups which were confessed to within a day of happening, there has been NC with AP. Complete NC for over 2 weeks. However, BH is in near constant contact with AP's BW these days. Since DDay, they've exchanged hundreds of emails.

After DDay, BH said he "just can't see" himself staying with me. His reasons change from not loving me anymore, to not knowing who I am, to not being able to respect himself, to deserving to find someone who will treat him right.

Amazingly, he listened when I said that no major life decisions should be made within 3 months of a traumatic event like this...and proceeded to put a reminder on his calendar for exactly 90 days from DDay to decide about D.

He also agreed to go to MC, but mostly just to "check the box". We've been to 2 sessions so far, and while he does the daily check-ins that we are supposed to do, it feels like he's just going through the motions. He said just yesterday that he doesn't want to keep going. I think if we stop MC, he should go to IC instead. He's very resistant to the idea.

He avoids me at all costs. If I'm lucky, he'll reach out via text once or twice a day to ask for my advice or to inform me of something AP's BW said. Otherwise, if I'm home he makes a point to leave the room as soon as I walk in, unless he wants to ask me something about the A.

Moving on --

Firstly, I desperately want to reconcile. My marriage is ashes at my feet, but I *know* the last 13 years weren't a fluke, and that there's a lot worth saving in us. I love him -- I can't imagine my life without him in it, which I think was part of the problem. I took him for granted, assuming he'd always be there. The arrogance of such a thought astounds me. I truly don't even know who I am, anymore.

After DDay, it truly felt like waking from a dream. While I miss AP, I've come to realize it is mostly because of the cold shoulder from BH -- I am craving interaction, and getting none of it from every direction. There's only so many times I can call my mother in a single day. I was so used to having BH there for me when I needed it, whenever I needed it. Having that taken away is like a splash of cold water in the face. Or maybe a punch in the gut. I'm sure it's nowhere near what I've done to him, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

I also know I have a ton I need to do. I know forgiveness is a gift I don't deserve. I know I've caused (possibly irreparable) damage to a man and a relationship that I loved. A man who loved me. A man who saw me as his unconditional partner in this wild adventure of life, and who was mine. I know he needs to heal, and that the process takes years. I also know there is a very serious possibility that he will not allow me to be a part of it.

I never deserved him to begin with, and rather than work to make myself the kind of person that he could be proud to be with, I was content to consider myself "lucky", and then on top of it I turn around and do the absolute worst thing I could possibly do. It's disgusting. I make myself sick when I think of it. I truly don't know how I got to be this person -- or how I take this new knowledge of what I'm capable of and stitch it into my awareness of self. How does a WS come to terms with what they've done, and who they are? I don't even know where to begin.

I know this damage was because of my choices, and though I've done a lot of reflecting lately to try to identify why I did what I did, I know that my choices were mine alone, and I take full responsibility for them. I know I can't force him to reconcile, and I know I have to do the work on me either way.

My questions are --

What does "doing the work" mean, when BH wants nothing to do with me? I'm starting IC, I'm journaling, I've confided in close friends and family for support, I'm working every day to be more considerate, kind, motivated and safe -- for him, and in general. I'm making honesty a priority -- honesty to him, honesty to myself, and honesty to those around me who express concern. I'm reaching out to those I've been harsh to, and practicing forgiveness -- forgiving whatever they did that upset me, and humbling myself to ask for forgiveness for my callousness to them. I'm doing more around the house -- trying to demonstrate my commitment to our life together in small, tangible ways. I'm trying really hard not to get defensive or reactive to his outbursts of anger, or the snide comments he'll dish out from time to time (sometimes I fail). I've given him access to all of my accounts, and shared my phone GPS location with him. I answer his questions honestly, even when he gets mad at the answer.

It doesn't feel like enough. I feel like I have to do more, but I'm not sure how. Any and all advice would be appreciated.

So much of the advice I've seen on here doesn't seem like it fits my situation, and I'm not sure if it's because it's still so fresh that we aren't ready, or if I'm kidding myself that we ever will be. Every time I express regret for what I did he sneers and says something about just being sorry I got caught. I walk in the room and he leaves. He hasn't let me sleep in bed with him since DDay, and he keeps trying to get me to buy a 1-way ticket out of the state. He tells me if I was so in love with AP that I should go and be with him, because he doesn't love me anymore. He wants nothing to do with me, period, except the 1-2 times a day when he reaches out. Even then he resents when I try to extend the conversation. He says he's happiest when he doesn't think of me -- when he can forget that I exist.

Is this normal? Does anyone who acts/feels like this decide to give R a try, in the end?

He does say that he hopes we can have an "Annie Hall" moment, one day. And that he hopes I end up happy -- just not as happy as I would have been with him. Earlier this week he said he didn't want to lose the house or his healthcare (he's on my plan), so maybe he could put up with having me as a roommate that makes him miserable to look at. But then today, he said he fantasized about sending AP a photo of D papers, and "when this is over, know you dug your own grave" (today was not a good day).

I should reiterate -- I know I need to focus on me, and making myself better, and that will happen regardless (once I figure out what to do). Either way, I'm determined to leverage this as an opportunity for personal growth and self-reflection. I WILL come out of this better than I went in. I just don't want to waste time, because he hasn't given me much of it. If there's no real chance of R, then I'll save us both the pain and leave now.

However, if R is even a minuscule option, I want to make sure I've done everything I can -- exhausted every option -- before giving up. If this whole fiasco has taught me anything, it's that he's worth fighting for.

In that case, though, how do I do "everything" when he wants "nothing" from me?

I want to make sure I've done everything I can -- exhausted every option -- before giving up. If this whole fiasco has taught me anything, it's that he's worth fighting for.

Not to be mean but if the AP's wife hadn't found out this affair would still be on going today. So from your husband's viewpoint added with the TT right now anything coming from you doesn't ring true.

You need to work on yourself, why you did what you did and most of all how you can demonstrate why your BH should open himself up to trusting you again. He's in contact with the BS because they're probably comparing timelines, every trip, every late night you worked, every time you went out, the past has now been rewritten.

To be honest you haven't exhausted every option. There's a ton you need to do to work on yourself, you say you still miss the AP despite what happened, what's to stop you from going back? It starts with you.

If you are truly remorseful then put the work into yourself and let go of any outcome with your husband. He has the right to decide what's best for himself going forward, if he decides to reconcile then he has to know he's not wasting his time but most importantly respect his decisions (as long as he's not abusing you)

To be honest I can't answer your question about what you need to do. MC, IC, writing, trying to be there, being honest, doing the little things, reaching out and not getting upset when he questions you - those are all things that you need to do. They will help in time.

You need to dig in and answer they "why's". this is hard. I am only starting to scratch the surface. You have answer the Why, then ask it again of the answer, and again and again. It sucks to look at yourself under that microscope. To see the person you *thought* you were stripped away and this dark interior exposed. But facing it how you know you will never make the same mistakes again.

What I can answer is you questions regarding his anger and treatment of you. his mind will likely change 100 times over the next few months (or even years depending). He is on a rollercoaster that he can't get off of. In my experience with my BH he hates what I did, he hates that I hurt him, and he wants to hate me - but he doesn't. He still cares deeply for me and this angers him. He feels like less of a man for staying. He feels like he is weal because he hasn't left, or because he has not "gotten back" at the AP. HE feels there is no justice, that he got shit on and there is nothing he can do about it.

It sucks, its a horrible way to feel. I cant imagine.

My suggestion, for what its worth, is to give him space, don't push but let him know that you want to fix it. Make sure that every time you talk to tell him how sorry you are for putting him in this position, and how much you regret doing this to your marriage. When you can initiate a conversation, do it. If you can reach out and do something special for him, do it. I know he probably saying some hurtful things right now, avoiding you. That is to be expected. He has to process everything you have said.

Others will give you the names of the books and things to read and videos to watch. I have not read that much myself - I am still working on it. I can say to read The Five Love Languages, and How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. They are a good place to start.

I am sorry that you are here. The road to R is a long on, as I am learning. And as others have said to me, sometimes cheating is just a deal breaker and there is nothing you can do about it, except move forward, making yourself a better stronger person for the future.

I wish you and your BH the best of luck. Keep looking here, the advice may hurt sometimes, but its still good.

You have to understand how deeply this has devastated your husband. Of course there is the obvious emotional devastation, but there is also potential financial and physical devastation as well since it sounds like he is self employed and relied on you for his health insurance. This is the kind of thing that could lead to serious psychological problems for him. He could feel trapped with no way out, and that's not a comfortable head space to be in. I hope he gets the help he needs to stay sane.

The other thing is, it's probably not the best thing to blame him for you missing your AP. That's the kind of flawed thinking that likely allowed you to justify the affair in your mind in the first place

I really hope you can help him heal.

[This message edited by Limboaz at 9:30 AM, July 27th (Thursday)]

Hi CSCE:

I'm a MH (meaning that I dated after discovering my W's affairs), and I can tell you that the emasculation he is feeling and the thought that he is less of a man is devastating to a man's ego.

This is especially true if NC is broken, because he will feel that even though you are fully aware that you've destroyed him, the AP matters so much to you that you aren't willing to do everything your husband wants (as opposed to even acknowledging the AP's existence, even to say "good bye", after d-day).

My W seemed so hurt when I told her that if she even says good bye that there will never be a chance for us, and seemed to waffle on that before agreeing (and then communicated with him multiple times and had sex with him at least once after d-day).

That was enough for me to throw up my arms, declare things to be over. We are trying to R now but those decisions about breaking NC notwithstanding what she knew she did to me will never be forgotten. That put her desire to have contact with him over my crushed soul, and the thought of that flashes through my mind whenever she does something nice for me or I feel like we have a nice time or intimate moment together.

Things will have a much better chance if you take the position that the AP is a POS who was willing to cuck your husband, that you now think of him very negatively and as a shit person, etc.

For example, I flipped when my W described 2 of her AP's as 2 of the "gentlemen" she had A's with. I'm usually level-headed but that sent me into a tangent about how they were scumbags, etc.

I mention all this in relation to what you described as "slip-ups" in terms of breaking NC. Those are instead informed decisions to stomp on his soul, as opposed to "mistakes" like spilling milk or something.

I suggest taking this all into consideration before breaking any NC and in discussing any breaches of NC there have been (with BH or in MC; don't describe those as "mistakes" or "slip-ups", because BH will see them as you deciding that some minor communication with OM is more important to you than he is, or any chance at R working out, etc.)

I think the main thing is that the decision is his and his alone. You have betrayed him, forever destroyed the trust & faith a couple needs to have and hurt him in ways you will never even imagine. Not even 5% can you imagine.

So here are my thoughts....

All you can do is work on yourself, try and help your husband heal and let him make the decision he will make. I think if he sees how you are working on yourself and repairing the relationship his anger may subside. I mean, there is a lot of room for hope here.

There's a book entitled something like Helping Your Spouse Heal After An Affair or something like that and it gets good reviews. I think you can get the exact title thru the library on this site.

I wish you well.

Have you looked into IC for yourself ? I think a lot of what you want to do could come into focus with an IC.

MC is for the M and most MC try to do anything to keep a M together. AS you have said that might not be possible.

MC this early in is generally not the best idea as it puts too much pressure on the BS to "move on," before they have processed this trauma.

One thing I picked up and I may be wrong is that you are looking at your M through your eyes of what is best for you. He sees that. He assumes you just want to keep the M because you are afraid to admit your fault in it ending. It somehow erases your actions.

Support what your H says he wants even if it is not what you want. Be clear it is not what you want, but stop trying to "force" or impose any of those things on him right now. You aren't going to "convince" him of anything right now.

As are rooted in selfishness. Working to be the opposite of that will get you to a resolution faster than any kid of "convincing" will do. Simply, he doesn't trust your input as he sees it as self-serving. By definition that is not what he thinks is the best for him.

You made a choice without his input that hurt him in places he did not know he could be hurt. Now your actions show him that you expect him to share in the consequences of that choice.

Calling it, "unfair," does not do it justice.

Remorse is something he will need to see. At this point it is not uncommon for a WS to "regret," being caught. Your lingering feelings for AP are understandable, but you need to see the AP as a means to an end. There was nothing all that great about someone who would A. engage in a relationship with a M woman. B. Would cheat on his wife.

If they did it with you, they will do it to you. Very few M that begin as A last. Too much mistrust and doubt.

In IC it would be best to separate how AP made you feel versus who he actually is. You have no real idea what he is actually like. You never had to endure the "hard" parts of relationship with him like you do with your H. You both always had your best (fake/work) self forward. The comparison between your H and AP is like comparing oranges to apples. Further I think you can see your H as a much better man than AP. IF you can articulate that in a meaningful way now is the time. It will lead to other ugly areas (if he was not as good as me why did you do it ?) It is a process. He needs to see that your A had nothing to do with him. It was a choice you made without thinking about him or you put it into a box and kept that box separate from your life with your H. IC is good for exploring that deeper.

I am not being harsh. It is very likely AP saw an opportunity for a NSA type of relationship and took it. You might not mean as much to him as you thought you did. You need to see him as he is and not who you made him out to be. Hopefully that makes sense.

Take care and keep posting. There is a lot of collective wisdom here. Some of it might bother you, but the things that bother us are key to learning about ourselves and genuinely growing into the person we want to be. That is the real goal everyone on this board needs to have. It doesn't always mean the M is saved, but if you become a better you, your life will be a lot more happy and meaningful.

Your posting was very articulate. Well organized and put together. And most importantly, very self aware of what damage you have done by your own choices. That is quite unusual for someone less than a month from dday. That leads me to this question, and I truly am not meaning to sound like a smart ass.

Do you truly, in your heart and soul, believe everything you wrote 100%? Or did you just read a book and then spit back out what it said you should feel and should say to save your marriage without really buying into it?

I ask because if it is the latter, your H will sense that you are just saying without believing; acting but not with true conviction. And if he senses that you will never regain his trust.

If you are being true and honest, I congratulate you on your ability to be so introspective so soon after discovery. If R is possible, that is the kind of base it begins on. One of the very first things my W told me after discovery was: don't you ever think this was your fault. Don't ever think there was something wrong with you. This was all on me. I was the broken one. I have never forgotten that and it meant more along the path to R than you can imagine.

So, his words and action towards you and especially the shunning. No doubt at this early stage the pain and anger is a major driving force BUT I think there is more to it than that. As a BH he feels totally worthless. He feels that he is worthless in your eyes. And he feels that if he were to be with you, it would prove how desperately worthless he is. An object of pity.

What he secretly wants is for you to court him. And, when the time is right , to seduce him. He needs to feel that he is A MAN. That you respect and admire him. That you see him as strong, not weak. That you really can't and don't want to ever try living without him.

No magic pill for that. And if he scoffs or makes snide comments --- he really wants to believe but at this early stage is afraid to. Afraid to believe that he could trust you. You have to help him regain his self confidence and sense of self worth before he can begin to believe that you really want HIM as HIM rather than him as a meal ticket or a plan B.

It won't be quick and easy and you are going to need a lot of patience and continual follow through on your efforts.

Just remember, his actions and words now are coming from a world of pain and not likely what his true feelings, deep inside, are.

Please go to the Healing library and find "what every WS needs to know" by HUFI PUFI and read it. It will give you a lot of insight and help you understand what you need to do.

I agree with alot of what 1985 said.

CantSleepCantEat: I totally congratulate you on your awareness about a month out from D-Day. I can tell you 90 days is way to short to decide about divorce. The average healing can take 3-5 years. You guys are in for the long haul if you stay together.

Your husband is emasculated and his pride is gone. You might as well have taken him to the NFL superbowl and told everyone on loudspeaker he has a small @#$#. He feels that he isn't good enough and he feels that he can't perform.

Your mental awareness shows that you have a very good head on your shoulders. This will slow his healing. He needs to know he's wanted and needed. He needs to know that you need him... that you want him.

I think if you really want this man then begging on your knees for him to give it a chance is not too extreme.

Rational responses are not his forte right now because all he is able to be right now is raw emotion. His calling you 2 times a day is him needing you but not being able to admit it. It has to be him being stronger. You need to need him... If he ever feels that you're making it up then it will add to his feelings of insecurity.

Never speak positively of the other man. Yes you had feelings for him but if you want this to work, you should never voice that. If he ever asks you, tell him that you love him and not some other man.

I hurt for your family and pray that you two are able to work it out. Good luck.

With a couple of small slip ups which were confessed to within a day of happening, there has been NC with AP. Complete NC for over 2 weeks. However, BH is in near constant contact with AP's BW these days. Since DDay, they've exchanged hundreds of emails.

These "slip ups" as you call them are going to kill it. I'm not sure what the circumstances are for those but they have got to stop if you are serious about wanting to R. Also you may not have intended it but this bit here comes across as a little bit defensive and like you are equating you talking to your AP with your BH talking to his BW. You have got to get that out of your mind. His communication with her does not justify or balance out you talking to the AP. If you've had a "slip up" then really you need to count your R as starting from that date. I can tell you from experience that your BH is doing that.

Good luck to you both.

[This message edited by beenthereinco at 5:08 PM, July 28th (Friday)]

Is this your only A?

Has there been any other types of contact with the opposite sex that your husband would disapprove of?

I agree. You express yourself very well, but I take exception to the "slip-up" phrase. A lot of us here, myself included, view that as a flat-out continuation / rekindling of the A.

The message to your H is that communication with your AP means so much to you that you're willing to do it despite FULL knowledge of how devastated he is by the A.

Do you have any idea at all about how much devastation you have brought into your BH's life? I agree with the others, you are quite articulate, and so in that capacity, please describe it for us here.

IMO, even the most empathetic of WS's barely get a glimpse of the horror and mind poison they have given to their BS. At 16 YEARS after Dday, I still get flashbacks... one nearly killed me the other day while I was riding my motorcycle. I have permanent anxiety issues. I still question and doubt anything that might be considered good about myself. I hurt every single day, even now.

"Slip up"... that phrase indicates that you really need to work on learning empathy.

Since then, I've TT'ed some more (coupled with forced disclosure), though it's mostly all out in the open now. I say "mostly" only because I've realized that I'll never be able to proactively know and tell him the answer to every question he will ever have.

My WW did and said similar things to me, and it drove me nuts. At one point I asked her to tell me something I didn't know, and instead of digging deep, her reply was "How can I know what you don't know?" and I never got an answer.

Please take this seriously. WORK at finding the answers. Make it less about you and more about your BH.

[This message edited by nightmare01 at 6:54 PM, July 28th (Friday)]

Are you sure you still want your husband, or chasing him because he's pulling away?

Thank you, everyone, for the responses. I've had a lot of time to think these last few weeks, and it's put me in a very self-reflective place. These are helping to ensure I stay there.

This is my only A, and the only time there's been any kind of contact my husband wouldn't approve of. I think that's part of what has made it so hard for him -- he really trusted me, and I took advantage of that trust.

Yes, I truly want my husband back. I can't say that him pulling away isn't impacting me -- it absolutely is -- but that's not why I'm trying to R. At the risk of sounding codependent, he is my world -- has been for over a decade. My entire adult life has had him at the center. While I realize at first that sounds like I'm just scared to be alone, it's not that. It's that I grew up with him -- I grew around him. He knows me like no one else. He gets me like no one else. He helped form who I am. We bet on each other, he and I. It was us against the world. I can't even put into words the way he makes me feel. It's just...right. And on the flip side, he's a hard guy to "get", but I always have. We fit. My life without him in it would have a gaping hole that I would not begin to know how to fill. And like I said, *that's part of the problem*. He's always been there, and so I absolutely took him for granted. I couldn't imagine life without him, and so I couldn't imagine the consequences of my actions. I miss him every day.

But yes, it's his decision. I made hundreds of decisions over the last year without him -- decisions that hurt him immensely. Decisions that I had no right to make. I've shown him my hand -- I am all in, if he'll let me. But the damage has been done, and I do not have control over if he stays or goes. The way things are looking right now, I'd say there's an 80% chance he leaves. I'm trying to be prepared for that while not wallowing in it. And, ultimately, I don't want him to be unhappy. If life with me is going to make him unhappy forever (or even simply longer than he decides is worth it), then it needs to end. I've caused enough pain already. But if I'm being honest -- I haven't come to terms with the idea of it being over, yet. I'm not sure I'll be able to until after I hear the words.

The "slip up" comment touched a nerve, and I apologize. That phrasing was careless and minimizes what is, truly, an extension of the betrayal. It also shows a disregard for the gravity of what I've done and the hurt I've caused. What I should have said was: There have been 2 times that I broke NC since DDay. The first time, I was trying to get AP to go along with my most recent lie, and the second was in response to AP showing up at my office garage as I was pulling in for work a couple of weeks ago. I turned around and sped home rather than speak to him (called BH right away, too), but once I got home he reached out via an account I forgot to block. I was weak and responded -- stupidly feeling like I owed him an explanation for my behavior. I told BH about the incidents within hours of the first, and minutes of the second. There will not be a third. EVER.

I can absolutely say that I want no contact with AP ever again, in any capacity, whatsoever. Regardless of what happens with BH. BH and I may D, and if AP were to reach out he would still get NC from me. Why would I want to keep a reminder in my life of how horrible I can be? How cruel I was? No, I don't miss AP. I really don't. He was a mistake from the very first day. If I could take back every word I ever spoke to him, I would -- the thought of him makes me sick. However, I DO miss interaction from someone who claims they care about me, and those are in short supply these days (since BH is adamant that he doesn't) -- but I need to get over that, and I don't want it from AP anymore, anyway. Reliance on someone else for feeling good about myself is a flaw that made me susceptible to an A in the first place.

(Also, to the question about IC -- Yes, I am looking into it. I have an initial session tomorrow, and am hoping it goes well. I've never been to therapy before a couple of weeks ago, so I'm not entirely sure what to look for or how to tell if it is going well, but I'm looking forward to getting the help I realize I need.)

The questions about if I mean the things I say are really interesting, because BH has the same feedback. He says my responses sound like they were written by a "PR Department". That they don't sound like me, and that he doesn't really believe them. I honestly think that I have been preventing myself from feeling the impact of a lot of what I've done, as a defense mechanism. While that doesn't mean I'm not remorseful, it does mean that I am not showing it adequately. I am also so SCARED to say the wrong thing while talking to him. Every word is scrutinized, and so I have to be so careful when choosing my words. I'm sure that makes them come off as rehearsed, though.

Last night, as I was writing the timeline of the A for BH, I had a mental breakdown. I was by myself, and all of a sudden I couldn't stop sobbing. I was crying so hard I couldn't catch my breath, and I couldn't think of a single coherent thought except "I'm sorry", "Oh god, what have I done?!", and "I hate myself." I called BH, who was worried I was going to hurt myself (or worse). It was not the first time I've cried about this, but it's the first time I've been incapacitated by it. It was the first time I saw myself the way he must see me, and felt about myself the way he must feel. No wonder he leaves the room when I walk in -- I can't stand to be around me, either!

Tonight, I'm just really sad. I feel like I can't do or say anything right. I feel like it's hopeless. I'm mourning the lives I ruined -- his, mine, and ours...

As an exercise in empathy (necessary for true reconciliation): put yourself in your BH's place, and write out what you would be feeling.

Just a suggestion. I've never heard of a WS doing this, but I think it might help you get the depth of it.

If what you are saying is true, then at least you're giving your betrayed husband the option of trying to R and you seem sincere about it. That's something not all BS's get.

Any serious missteps on your part (such as dishonesty, or giving into the temptation during a weak moment to reach out to AP, etc.) could put R out of reach for good.

Keep us posted. Best of luck to the both of you.

[This message edited by Limboaz at 9:49 AM, July 29th (Saturday)]

It sounds like you have a good handle on the situation, but I remember that one month out from D-day my husband was a zombie.

I was emotionally detached from our marriage enough at that point to focus everything - EVERYTHING ON HIS HEALING.

There was no TT, answered every question - even in the middle of the night - did every chore, shopping, paying bills, childcare, all the things so he could rebalance.

We didn't rush into MC - I was in IC and I required/requested nothing of him. He did all of the things he knew he needed to do. And good on him - he did them.

The goal of the early days for us was him healing and regaining balance which by and large he has now. Most of that is on his character and strength - both of which are phenomenal. (My problem in our marriage is lack of warmth and connection and I'm realizing now and never did before how much of that is on me.)

Anyway.... back to d-day about 21 months ago.....

I wasn't sure I wanted the marriage - but I saw the terrible hurt I did to another really decent human being and had to help fix the damage. It's been a constructive approach.

It is going to take time. A lot of time. You are going to need to start more work with being uncomfortable. Sit with it. Deal with it. You have relied upon other people to make you happy for far too long. Time to do it on your own. Focus on that. You can also look up ways to give up control. You are having anxiety because there are no certainties any longer for you. That isn't going away for a long time. Find a healthy hobby to do and learn to be enough for yourself while you do all the hundred other things you need to do. There is no easy and quick way out. That is just the way it is for choosing this path.

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