SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

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[This message edited by Throwaway5oDS at 10:13 PM, March 27th (Saturday)]

I've been through what you are going through. I reacted by quiting my great job and running off to Raton New Mexico and taking a job as a used car salesman at about 25% of what I previously made.

I came out of it and you will too. Keep your job and see therapists and in time it will all be your past.

Ron

Yes, stick it out most importantly for your child who needs you and will always need you. It is just NOT an option you can take. Your kid can’t understand how you feel now and will always remain bewildered and wonder if it was somehow their fault (and raise the statistical risk that they will take the same relatively “easy” way out). From experience I can say time will ease the pain but it will still be there. You need to STICK AROUND to see what happens. Someday you’ll be surprised at how good your life can get BUT you have to be here to find out. Let me know if you have any questions.

Hey brother

Former LEO here. It’s been a very very very long time since I left that career – fast approaching 30 years. But I was a LEO when I walked in on my then-fiancé having sex with someone that wasn’t me… After leaving the police I worked in a related industry for a couple of years (IT systems for Law Enforcement) and although today I only have indirect professional contact with law enforcement, I still have good friends that are active or former LEO’s. Although the stories about how the Brotherhood of Blue turns a blind eye to us speeding or drinking and driving are urban myths then there is no denying there is a bond between present and past LEO’s.

I want to approach you issues with a focus on law enforcement…

I went through a period of depression and I still shudder when I think of that evening I had my pistol in hand and the barrel in my mouth. I was so close. SO CLOSE.

Back in the days my department didn’t offer much official support. My supervisor had the sense of putting me behind a desk for a week or so (at the time we checked our guns in once we entered the station) until I asked to go out to keep busy. I was in a male-dominated environment, very macho, very sexist but still… I got compassion, understanding and support from my colleagues.

There is a very common and misaligned theory that infidelity is rampant in LEO. This is based on a survey done back in the early 70’s of last century. That survey has been repeatedly debunked – both by reviewing the data used in that survey and in more recent surveys. What is true is that certain jobs where you have a constant, unpredictable stress and uncertainty can create conditions that are counterproductive to a marriage.

A typical job that falls into that category is law enforcement. Having been there I know that probably 99% of the time is relatively safe. I went through my career never using my service-gun. Yet there was always that risk… that chance… that event. Like the times someone pulled a knife on me, or the guy that broke a vodka-bottle on my partners head, or the crazy guy that pointed a gun at us, or the drivers that were totally in my face… Not to mention what we witness: the suicide victims, the seriously injured, the violently dead, the reactions of loved ones in the most intense pain…

We tend to bring that home in some way or another. If the last thing you did before clocking out was talk to a child-molester or took part in a high-speed chase, then chances are that will impact your ability to come home and tend to your kids or flip burgers on the grill. This also impacts the spouse who unconsciously worries when he/she hears sirens or a newsflash about some local legal issue. The spouse that doesn’t know if you are coming home feeling all good and nice or dark and gloomy because you just helped put someone in a body-bag or if he/she is getting a phone-call from the chief of police.

Other careers that experience this are military careers with active deployment. Divorce rates increase in the military if deployed to an active area. Military life is quite predictable in “normal” times but once you have an active deployment the spouse is experiencing comparable issues as the LEO spouse.

Divorce rates are slightly but consistently higher in LEO marriages than the average. Slightly – not significantly. Conversely long-term marriages are more common with LEO’s than average. So, I guess the bottom line might be that some people can be in law enforcement and others can’t. Some can be married into law enforcement and others can’t.

An experienced LEO is an investment. If you have +5 years’ experience with a good record, they WANT you. Turn-over in LEO is considered bad. They try to weed out in the academy and again the first couple of years, but after that you are a proven valuable investment.

Departments realize the stress I mention above. Realize the unique issues you deal with. Most departments offer good support these days. IC, therapy… If you are in a mid-size department then I can more-or-less guarantee that you have access to the support, you need and that the stigma you mention is more in your head than reality.

Your ex-wife?

Well… She’s one of those that can’t be married to law enforcement. Heck… if she went through an AP, dating and now a (possible) long-term boyfriend then maybe she isn’t the type to be married…

I hope not. Genuinely – as a father – I think your very best future scenario is that your ex-wife and her present BF/future husband have a long-term loving relationship where your son has a good foster-father that you can communicate with. Not as a replacement for you – but as someone that is good and caring to your son when he is with his mom.

Your marriage is in the past. It’s clear your wife wanted out and has created her new life.

What I can share is this: Her decision to end the marriage and her decision to have an affair are totally on her.

We need to look at those two decisions chronologically. She first decided to have an affair. That affair didn’t just happen. It was a decision. In your career how often have you listened to justification for wrong behavior? The driver that was speeding but has a really good reason, or the thief that really didn’t have any other option but steal? Your WW decision to cheat falls into THAT category.

She didn’t cheat because of you or what you do or did not do. She didn’t even decide to cheat because the marriage was bad. Maybe it was a miserable marriage for her, but even then, the CORRECT procedure would be to demand change or divorce. Instead, she decided to cheat.

THAT decision is totally on her.

Starting an affair does not require the marriage be bad, but it definitely makes a marriage bad. Once exposed it’s easier to rewrite the past than be upfront and honest about why she had an affair.

Why do people cheat? In my experience it’s nearly universally due to insecurities and a need for validation. It’s a power-play: Look – I can still get men. I can still pull women. This man verifies my intellect and beauty, this woman wants my body. It tends to be a relatively shallow need that most of us get met in a more sensible and logical way.

She is entitled to request a divorce. That is something party in a marriage can do. But she maybe should have done so before deciding to cheat.

What I want to leave you with regarding the divorce is that it might have been forced on you but the underlying reasons – her affair and alleged “unhappiness” – are totally hers and you are not accountable for either. YOU did NOT “cause” the affair.

Then there is the depression…

It’s great that you are getting professional help. I strongly encourage you to carry on doing so.

But… In some ways a therapist is like a personal trainer. He can’t cure you, but only help you find the cure.

What I did was several things:

I really stepped up my physical activity. Like REALLY. I have never been much of a jogger, but this was when I started running half-marathons and jogging like crazy. This combined with weightlifting really got me far. At some point your brain just drifts off – away from the issues and into some void. Plus, you get physically exhausted.

I had a process where I checked out of my personal life before leaving my car to enter the police-station. I consciously decided to leave my pain and personal issues before putting on the badge. If I started feeling blue on the job, I consciously made myself realize what I was thinking and push the thought away.

I refused to be idle. If I couldn’t sleep or was moping on the couch feeling all sorry for myself, I would go clean the bathroom, paint the foyer, detail my car, clean my fishing-rods…

I decided to be amongst people. That could be about as lonely as going alone to a movie or sit alone at a coffee shop. But I refused myself being alone.

I took great care in my personal appearance.

I abstained from all alcohol for 6 months. Never been a problem for me, but I decided that I only want to use alcohol as a positive factor – not as something to depress pain.

You mention being alone and without friends or family… I didn’t battle that but what I would suggest is that you actively seek companionship. I am NOT talking dating sites or romance, but rather like find out if there is a running-club in your area that you can join for twice-weekly jogs. Go to a gym and sign up for classes. Ever wanted to learn golf or learn fly-fishing? Do you go to church? Is there some club or activity in your neighborhood? Any lectures or seminars you can attend? Is there something you can volunteer to do? Say hi to your neighbors and ask to borrow a cup of rice – repay them tomorrow and ask them about their day. Create interactions – search for them and initiate them.

Depression can be physiological, and it can be psychological. I’m guessing your specialists have diagnosed the physiological aspect and given you medication. Be aware that it needs adjusting and can take time to find the correct dosage. The psychological… that I think we need to do a lot by ourselves – probably following the guidance of the therapist.

I can relate! The pain was so great I felt I had to get it out of my body (I suddenly understood cutters). But then I realized I would transfer this same pain to my vulnerable, loving children, and I couldn’t do it. I went to an outpatient 2 week program at a mental health place.. do you still have your notes and handouts from there?

What also helped me, in addition to IC, was phone meetings of Alanon. You are affected by alcoholics and drug users every day!

On Alanon-the phone meetings are listed on the website. They go in all day/night. You call in, and can be silent it you want. The meeting lasts 1 hour. There is a topic and everyone shares (much like the group time at the mental health place).

The purpose is to get our minds off the alcoholics (and cheater) and get our minds on something different and repair our minds. It’s free, completely private group therapy.,if you liked what someone said who has been in the program a long time, they give their names and numbers and the end and you can call up and talk to them. Or not. This anonymous program has saved millions of precious lives. Your life is precious, and we and your child know it.

Turn your back on that POS nut you accidently married and never look back. You and your son have a very bright future together. Do not let her steal your joy, your future with your child. It’s your reward, your joy in seeing him grow up to be a great guy. My best friend said her parents split up and she LOVED going to her Dad’s house. He had a calm house, with rules. As she got older she knew she wanted to be the kind of parent her Dad was, and provide that type of home for her children.

Keep posting, SI has some incredibly supportive and knowledgeable members. We care.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 11:11 AM, February 17th (Wednesday)]

Been there. Got pretty close too. I had a plan, picked a spot, put together some secondary things if the "accident" I had planned did not go according to plan. Then, I got help. It is a long story, but my STBXWW showed me her true colours, or rather colour...black, during this time. I was pissed off at myself for over 1.5 years after that, angry for not following through.

It would have been easier to have just ended it, no more pain, no more work, no more processing, none of the really hard stuff. I didn't think of the emotional impact on my girls, just the financial. I wanted them taken care of.

Had I done it, I would have avoided all the hard stuff, but now I'm getting to understand that I would have missed all the good stuff. I'm at the tail end of the "not a big fan of being alive" stage, and starting to enjoy moments ahdin. Days, not so much, but if I were to graph my progress, they are coming.

Covid has added another layer f difficulty to those if us who struggle with mental health. I spend quite a bit of my time alone, but I force myself to go out for a pint almost every day. It gives me an hour or two of me time. I read and enjoy the moment alone with other people.

Steel sharpens steel. Ou need men in your life. Teach out and get some. Tell your buddies at work that you need bro time and arrange it. Set up a zoom party with the guys and shoot the shit. If you can, do it IRL. Men have a tendency to go it alone. Don't.

I'm out of the suicide stage, and having weathered it, I think I am safe from going there again. My STBXWW's A forced me to grow into a stronger man, but I get what the darkness feels like.

You can do this.

Your life in the military was structured. The PD is structured. Chains of command. Your marriage was structured. Dad, mom, child. Now you are floundering because nothing is dependable anymore. Given time you will eventually restructure your life.

I’m guessing a lot of your depression is rage. Helpless rage. It’s so maddening to be treated this way and not be able to do a thing about it....but you can

Get therapy with someone who recognizes that you have been deeply traumatized and abused, even if she never laid a hand on you.

I know a man whose first wife cheated on him twice while they had kids. She finally admitted to herself that she just did not love him like a wife should. She left him but not for anyone else. She just left. In the meantime he found a woman who thinks he hung the moon and he has a wonderful life. It’s out there you just have to go looking for it.

I can related. I moved to a distant city with a LTGF and her son. We were a nuclear family. I had a busy career. She cheated on me and dumped me for the other guy. I was severely depressed and lonely. Didn't know anybody.

What really helped for me was to become involved in a couple of structured extracurricular activities that were fun. I started playing club racquetball and reached a pretty high level. Made some good friends who are friends to this day (30 years later). Also joined a band. That didn't work out as well, but it was fun and I met a lot of musicians, played some great gigs, etc.

Hi Throwaway5oDS,

Number one: You are a rock star. You've served in the military, helping protect us all. You are a police officer, and therefore a public servant who puts your life on the line for everybody. So thank you.

Number two: You are taking care of your son and am showing him how to behave in difficult circumstances by being a total adult with your ex and the new partner. Your son is very lucky to have you as his dad.

What you are dealing with is really hard. I know first hand.

The advice about making relationships with people that share your interests is a good one. Find people, maybe focus just on guys for a bit so you don't have romantic issues to deal with, who like what you like to do. And get yourself circulating with other people doing stuff you like to do.

And if you like to exercise, focus a small part of each day on that. Does wonders.

There is no way to control another person. Understanding this fully is something I still struggle with. What your wife did and does is utterly beyond your control. And has nothing to do with you. People really do change, and become different than what you once knew.

Sending you good vibes. Stay strong, embrace life, things will get better!!!

Sent you a PM...

"People really do change, and become different than what you once knew."

That OR they revert to who they really were. Not really a change, more of a reveal.

Hang in there, don't let her actions dictate what happens in your life. It isn't easy, but you can do it.