SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I stay sad. I look at my WH and I regret our life together. I don't have ANY feelings of admiration or joy when I look at him. He's doing the work. I just don't care. It doesn't matter now. I'm in my 50's. I gave up my job that would've taken care of my retirement in order to move across the country with a liar. I know by law I'd be entitled to enough take care of me but it feels useless. The whole "Devil you know." I pray every night that God will have pity and let me into his glorious presence. Probably good he keeps me here. I still have hatred for AP's and disgust for the man who forced me to share my life with such people. This is my hell on earth. I don't want to go to the real thing. I think his lies are so horrible and have lasted so long there's no way back to actually loving him. This is my life.

I start EMDR tomorrow. Maybe it'll help. Drugs aren't doing it. Talking isn't doing it. Books don't help.

I'm sad my life was never what I thought it was. It was wasted on someone who didn't think about me. This grief feels neverending.

I should say he finally did some work. Trickle truth for 2 years isn't doing anything but being an ass. He eventually did IC. Claims he hasn't been a cheater for many years just a liar. Still goes to IC sporadically.

Allegedly, I have all of the truth he remembers. I just had to be the one go back an figure out when exactly he was screwing #5. Well...all of the actual dates of each one really. He couldn't/wouldn't attempt to figure out the real timelines. Just gave me a best as he can remember guess. Wasn't enough for me so I went back to find actual times. #5 he claims to not specifically remember where they were on trips she worked with him or tagged along. I just say, the flight attendant ho he screwed all across the country.

Who knows when #6 really happened. He says not long after #5 ended. Could be a few months. Could be a couple of years since he has no connection to what happened in real life. Who knows when he went all the way to Texas to give #2 some advice about her boyfriend. Hahaha! Rich! He's a pilot so travel to Texas happened several times in the years at Screwair.

Damn! Now I'm mad too!

Huge hugs. It does get better.

And it's never too late to start over.

I am so sorry for your pain. How long ago did you find out about all this? Your misery just jumped off the pages at me. I can only hope you are at the beginning of this journey because it will get better. For you as a person. You may never respect or have the feelings for your wh that you once had but you can rebuild yourself and find joy again, you mentioned God so I can encourage you to cast it ( throw it as hard as you can) to Him and let Him help you. Your life is so important and you matter. Remember that, you are a special person who did nothing wrong. And it’s not to late for you to start over if you want. Just think of you!!!!!

I’ve done EMDR twice now. Last week and yesterday. I started a thread about it but it’s probably on second page or go to my profile and recent posts link. Still deciding if it has helped but she did say the full effect of the internal processing takes a couple weeks. I’ve had a better month overall but we still have work to do.

I don’t know your whole story but I hope that treatment helps you!

Don't hope for the end. You have many years to go.

Your focus should be on yourself. The brain is amazing and you can train it. Get some positive messages going even if you don't feel like it or think it's dumb or wont work. It does work.

Start with positive affirmations.

Today I'm eating a healthy meal.

Today I'm going for a walk.

Today I'm reading an uplifting book.

Today I'm practicing ukulele.

Today I'm working in my garden.

Today I'm painting my room a color I love.

Today I'm calling a friend.

When the pessimistic thought come show them the way out.

Make a vision board. Places you want to go. Favorite foods and clothes and colors and patterns. Hang it up and look at it several times a day. This is where you are going. It works.

You need to believe that you can make this life something you are excited about not just drag yourself through the day and be glad to fall asleep when it's over.

It will be something worthwhile to you when you decide it's of the utmost importance. Make up your mind that you deserve happiness and peace and health. Take control of your thoughts and get the life that's worth living.

Olgershell, I guess you could say I "knew" about one affair back 19 years ago now. I got the ILBINILWY speech. I moved out and took our 2 kids with me. He quickly decided he loved me after all. We rug swept. I didn't know any better and he refused to talk.

After yet another round of depression in 2017, I started IC again. This eventually led back to my unanswered questions. He finally started talking fall of that year. He lied, minimized, and trickle truthed me for over 2 years. I think it's all out now. 6 affairs over at least an 8 year span. Years 2-10 of our now 28 year marriage. #5 was after the "reconciliation" and for the duration of my third pregnancy. #6 was a ONS while #3 was an infant. We went to have 4 kids.

I've stayed due to my youngest having major depression that resulted in a suicide attempt. I just can't move him again. He's a senior in HS this year. The help he gets here is much better than what he would get if I took back across the country.

It's costing me. My heart aches for what my life would look like if I'd stayed gone instead of coming back to him. I wouldn't be hurting like this and I wouldn't have a hurting child. I hate wh somedays for being such a liar.

Jana, thanks for the hugs. Not too many irl know my story. After a while, I just quit talking about it to them. I don't want to feel like a debbie downer all the time. Or have every conversation about his stupidity or mine for still being here. Hugs help.

G-team, I hope you get some relief with EMDR. I did it in January of 2019 and it helped. Unfortunately, mine was followed up with more disclosures.

Pureheart, I know I need to find some positive. I feel everytime I've grasped at it over the last few years I've been kicked in the teeth. Covid isolation being most recent.

My 3rd child is 19. She is a typical teen girl, self-centered, smarter than her parents and a mouth that doesn't know when to close. She lives at home still for school and financial reasons. She's a big stressor for me also. I was not excited about another baby when I learned I was having her. Wh was. She's a physical reminder of his lies. A living reminder of my mistake of coming back to her dad. How awful is that? I feel like such a terrible person for feeling like this!

I haven't made any close friends here. It was difficult before covid with my trust issues. Impossible now.

I don't have words of great wisdom, but I felt your pain from the page and wanted to tell you that you're not alone.

It is such a hard thing to cope with. I don't think you are old. I think you have a world of possibility ahead of you and you get to choose who you spend it with and what you do with it.

This eventually led back to my unanswered questions

I wish every WS would read this as it seems that the BS's unanswered questions always come back and cause more damage and problems then if they were answered right out of the gate.

6 affairs over at least an 8 year span. Years 2-10 of our now 28 year marriage. #5 was after the "reconciliation" and for the duration of my third pregnancy. #6 was a ONS while #3 was an infant. We went to have 4 kids

The selfishness and self-entitlement of WSs still angers and amazes me.

My 3rd child is 19. She is a typical teen girl, self-centered, smarter than her parents and a mouth that doesn't know when to close

I once heard a mother say "as a mother I am concerned for my children's health, especially the one who talks back to me and rolls her eyes."

How much of this nightmare he caused, do your children know about?

I don't think the kids know anything. With the mental health issues of the youngest and coping with a teen girl, we've been able to keep the narrative of working on communication. I have my own depression obviously so we've framed it as family therapy. We all have our own IC. We have been able to keep the arguing down until they are out of the house.

The older ones were too little to remember the separation. They probably felt the tension but guessed it was due to our schedules. WH worked in a family restaurant when this started. Working nights was normal. I was happy when he left the business because I knew it was a problem. He was a military officer and joined the family business despite me telling him i knew it was a bad move for him. When he went back to flying, I was happy he was using his brain again and working toward a career. For him it was the perfect cover for the next group.

Unforgiveness could keep you separated from GOD's best for you.

Hesaliar - HE's the liar. You're not.

What I take from your posts is that you're beating yourself up. I can't put my finger on why I think that, but it's what I think.

You deserve to treat yourself better. You've done the best you could, even with the obstacle of your H's lies. Your husband's lies are not your responsibility. You didn't cause them. They're not a reason for beating yourself up.

You believed your H, and in retrospect, we can agree that was a mistake - but human beings are predisposed to believing the people we love, so believing your H isn't a reason to beat yourself up.

Of course you feel depressed living with a pandemic raging around us. That's reason to nurture yourself, not to beat yourself up.

My heart goes out to you. Here's another hug, no strings attached, you don't even have to accept it: (((Hesaliar)))

Claims he hasn't been a cheater for many years just a liar.

I hope he isn't lying about still being a cheater given his history.

I don't blame you at all for not moving your kids again, it's a very selfless act on your part to live the way you do for your children. Are you considering divorce once your youngest graduates? If not, you may want to find new hobbies and activities that make you feel whole again. There are many people in the R forum who can attest to successful reconciliations, and maybe they can offer advice for how they went forward.

I wish I could offer more than hugs myself; I knew I could not stay with xWH after the 2nd affair, so putting up with 6 makes you an incredibly strong woman. You deserve so much more. (((Hesaliar)))

[This message edited by newlife03 at 12:26 PM, February 2nd (Tuesday)]

Thanks for the kind words, y'all. Sisoon, I do have a lot of self blame. I'm mad at the rug sweeping. I'm mad that I went against what I knew I should do for the "sake of the family." I walked away from prior relationships for less than what he's done yet I'm still here. I had a break through in therapy that some of it is about not disappointing my mother. Foo!

I'm working on me. I have not made any decisions about the future. One day at a time. Just working on finding me again. Not wife, not mother, not daughter. Who am I and what do I want for the rest of my life? This process is soooo slow.

New wife, I found out about all the rest at one time really. Trickle truth on time lines and details. It's allegedly been 19 years since he had his epiphany and stopped being a creep. His disclosure was fall of 2017. The lies of trickle truth continued until fall 2019. TT is what killed my feelings for him. Not sure I'll ever love him or look at him and not see a lying, cheater.

More EMDR tomorrow.

HesALiar

I feel for you. My H had an EA 15 years before Affair 2. He refused to admit anything. No remorse. Complete stonewalling. Lies upon lies.

But yet he admitted it to OW2 (15 years later). She in turn told me.

That almost caused our D. More than anything that bothers the crap out of me. Of course he is now remorseful but the damage is done so to speak.

I know about smart mouth teenagers. I have one who refuses to take responsibility for anything. If he doesn’t clean the bedroom snd I say anything - I’m the bad guy for saying something.

Exhausting!!!!

Put your healing first. I decided I am my own worst enemy if I don’t and allow his poor choices to rule my life. I don’t care how remorseful the cheater is. It doesn’t erase the pain snd damage that was caused.

I'm mad at the rug sweeping. I'm mad that I went against what I knew I should do for the "sake of the family."

A therapist taught me to view anger as a sign that I want something to be different about my life.

You can't change the past, but you can change how you view it.

Sure, NOW you know rug-sweeping is a bad strategy. But you adopted the strategy and found it wanting. That's something to celebrate.

You sacrificed yourself for your family. Sometimes one has to do that, so you did. Then you realized it wouldn't work. That's something to celebrate.

FOO issues kept you from seeing the best path. Now you know that and you're working to solve the issues. That's something to celebrate.

You may very well be using your anger the way my ex-therapist thinks it should be used. That's something to be celebrated, too, since she was right on so many things, including anger.

I had EMDR this morning. I like the progress. Yes, I'm learning. For the first time in my 50+ years, I'm learning to speak up. Be clear about expectations and boundaries. I'm learning to never allow ANYONE to take me for granted. I'm learning that I need to put myself first for a while. I love my kids but unhealthy mom doesn't help them. WH is remorseful. He's done all of the recommended steps. He's waiting for me. Unfortunately, the damage to me is severe. I'm like so many others on here...this is a deal breaker. Am I able or willing to make a new deal? I'm not sure yet. Yes, I'm gonna finish healing me. It feels a little selfish but I remind myself this is a good kind of selfish.