Elle2 posted 11/24/2020 15:17 PM

We had our rainbow baby in July. We lost a son last June after he was born due to a rare and often fatal disease. He was definitely a product of hysterical bonding but I was so happy to have him and losing him is still something I struggle with every day. Fast forward to this year and we now have a 4.5 month old. I was in the hospital for 8 weeks prior because he had the same disease but it was caught early enough that he was cured. Shit has just been really rough lately. Most recently my wh decided to go off on me in the car in front of all the kids about how miserable he is and how awful our marriage is etc. I'm drowning y'all. I don't know what to do or where to go. Leave him, I know, but many of you know it's never that easy. I'm trying to build my wall and pretend like he's not around. I'm so tired. Physically I'm exhausted because having a baby that is a terrible sleeper and two kids remote learning (one of which is autistic) is just draining. Mentally and emotionally Im at a loss for how to handle this situation. I shouldn't have stayed after the A. R was short lived and any issues he has get turned around on to me. For example, he bumped a car (in my car) parallel parking Saturday night. I was obviously upset and instead of just sucking it up and saying sorry, he managed to blame it on me because I had a shitty attitude. Dressed me down in front of who knows who, while we were attempting to walk to dinner for a date night (which he scheduled because I had a break down at home). I just don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know if it's ppd, regular depression, or just being fed up with having a husband that is mentally abusive.

landclark posted 11/24/2020 16:47 PM

Congratulations on your rainbow baby. I’m sorry for your prior loss, however.

Your WH sounds like a jerk, to be honest, and no, it’s not always as easy as just leave. Would be nice if it was. Have you talked to your doctor at all about the depression? They can’t fix the jerk husband, but if there is some PPD, it could at least be helpful for that.

Remote learning is not easy. I can barely get through with one kid. Not sure how you’re doing it with two and a baby. That’s some mommy superpower right there.

LifeDestroyer posted 11/24/2020 17:50 PM

I am so sorry that you had to go through that loss.

It could be all three that you are experiencing. Your husband definitely is not helping matters. Do you have an IC? If you do, I hope you bring this up. I absolutely believe I experienced PPD, but I never got help for it. I was ashamed. I'm a woman. We are supposed to love motherhood. It's supposed to be all rainbows and glitter and all that happy crap. It's most definitely not. And it is 100% ok to feel overwhelmed with it all.

I'm a teacher and couldn't even handle remote learning with my own child! Props to you for handling all of that.

Talk to your IC. Talk to some friends. Talk to someone so you can let it all out instead of keeping it bottling in. It will only grow and grow and then eventually blow up.

You've got this momma!

nekonamida posted 11/25/2020 08:44 AM

I second the IC recommendation. Do you have any trusted family members to rely on? What about someone who has been good about quarantining and can take the kids for a day, night, or weekend? See if you can get a break. Once things ease up and life gets closer to normal, it will be easier for you to explore S/D so keep reminding yourself that this situation is temporary.

sisoon posted 11/25/2020 10:45 AM

You are dealing with a lot. Have you been able to consult any good lawyers?

I can imagine how hard it is to leave or to kick your H out and make that stick, but the results may make it worth the effort.

A visit to a good doc is definitely worth the effort. Maybe PPD, maybe not, but you've got so much on your plate!

I really think getting your H out of your life may make life a lot easier for you.

(((Elle2))) - a hug, if you want one.

Elle2 posted 11/25/2020 23:25 PM

Thank you so much y'all. Sometimes just hearing supportive words really helps. One of the longest running underlying issues I've had with wh (probably since we dated, I just didn't realize what a big deal it would be) are his mood swinge is either perfect and great or miserable. He's on meds for depression and maybe it's time to adjust them but I'm just starting to see red flags again. When I talk about it he mocks it. When I first found out about the A I told him he was going to be stroking checks for child support, so now when we get in arguments he throws that out there like "guess I gotta get ready to stroke that check!" What kind of ws would try and throw that back in someones face?!