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I now believe in telling if you know about an A

JulyDD posted 11/23/2020 12:44 PM

I didn't used to believe in getting in anyone else's business. But after the pain and mind altering effects my H's A has had on me, I surely do wish someone had sent me an anonymous note.

I'm on a roll today, posting like crazy-indulge me!
My H's AP was from another city and knew he has married/living at home with a wife who knew nothing. When he left, she knew I was taken without warning and was on the edge of a breakdown.

Her friends in that city knew, he had one friend in our city who knew.

Could someone have dropped me a note? I'm doing my Rodney Dangerfield imitation now "Someone? Anyone?"

Yes, it would have hurt like the devil and I would have been like "Dallas? Dallas?" We live nowhere near Dallas. Like hours away by plane. (PS-It wasn't Dallas-don't want to put in the actual city).

I'll cut my ramblings short to say, you can bet I will always assume to betrayed spouse would want to know. I would have loved, "I feel you have the right to know that your spouse is having an affair. This is not meant to hurt you but to help you decide how you want to proceed." Then put in as little or as many details as you want. I wouldn't have even needed her name. That would have been helpful. Or the city. But literally that basic of a note would have meant the world to me.

Anyone else feel the same? Not to trash (or as I said even name the other person) but to let the betrayed person begin to make sense of what was literally going on in their life.

[This message edited by JulyDD at 12:47 PM, November 23rd (Monday)]

BentandBroken posted 11/23/2020 14:00 PM

Yes, I wish someone had told me. There were a number of important future-related decisions I made while xWH was actively cheating. I would have done things very differently had I known.

The1stWife posted 11/23/2020 17:34 PM

I was lucky enough to have a girl tell me my then BF was a serial cheater. And he was cheating on me. With the girl he claimed was his “good friend”.

I’ve always been grateful for this girl doing the right thing.

I know I would do the same thing. Even if it cost me a friendship. At least I had the guts to stand up and be honest.

gmc94 posted 11/23/2020 18:08 PM

I don't think anyone but my WH and his skanks knew about the cheating, but if anyone did know, I sure as heck wish they'd told me.

And I've been the one to tell friends when their BFs cheated or hit on me.... lost one REALLY close friend over that crap (I'll never understand folks who believe their partners before a BFF or an objective 3d party, but whatever).

About a year ago I learned that a friendly acquaintance whose husband died ~3 years ago had flown to another city to sleep with a MM she knew from HS or college (long before she was M). Got the whole "it was only physical and his wife doesn't understand him or sleep with him" bologna. I didn't tell her my sitch (if I were D, I'd have told her my story and explained exactly how her actions harmed another), but said it wasn't cool. Every now & again I'll read a story on SI and wonder if that is the BW of the MM this woman I know slept with. I don't associate with this woman any longer, which sucks bc I really liked her, but I just can't tolerate that kind of thing in my life.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 6:08 PM, November 23rd, 2020 (Monday)]

Brusselsprouts posted 11/23/2020 18:44 PM

I would ask for a full story from the person who knows about the affair and not “TT” like I know your H is having an affair but I can’t name names or cities etc. I would ask for the full truth I order to confront my WS and/or AP.

My WH said he wasn’t hiding anything from me when I said he has been secretive, not talking etc. He couldn’t hide anything anymore when I confronted him with proof.

HDENUFF75 posted 11/24/2020 19:10 PM

I totally agree. If I find out about an affair I will definitely let the injured person know. Heck yes. This isn’t HIPPA.

steadychevy posted 11/25/2020 05:39 AM

I wish someone, anyone, had told me.

My XWW's LTA was workplace. It was with someone she supervised. There was a large staff at the workplace in cubicles (my XWW had an office). It seems in those situations it's hard to keep dalliances between COW a secret and word of mouth spreads very fast.

There was another woman employee who hated my XWW and she had a small clique of like minded women. I knew about the issue that caused that and my XWW was right in her analysis and I told her so, listened to her and comforted her.

Had these women had any inkling about the 4 year LTA it would have been all over the place. My XWW would have been fired. So I don't think anyone at work knew. Also, my XWW was a born again Christian so would never do anything like that.

I think that just points to how devious and morally corrupt my XWW was. They were able to play it cool enough that there was no suspicion and that would be my XWW's planning and direction. I do believe there was one woman who knew and probably ran interference. She probably had vicarious enjoyment.

I wish someone knew and told me. Including the woman who I think knew and helped facilitate.

Inshreds posted 11/25/2020 09:13 AM

I would tell. I wish someone had told me. I had NO idea. Not even the gut feeling. This is why I can not even trust myself. Others knew, of course. Even close friends of mine knew. I don't get it at all. Why wouldn't one of them let me in on the secret?? I looked as stupid as I feel.

JulyDD posted 11/25/2020 09:23 AM

I am glad we are all in agreement. Again, I'm not going to race into the world telling a suspicion. But if I absolutely know someone's spouse is having an affair, they are getting a short, kind, fact laden note from me. I have one friend who went through a very messy situation (and ultimately divorce in her case). It is 100% because of an anonymous letter that she had even one clue about her H's affair. She is truly grateful for that letter.

TheLostOne2020 posted 11/25/2020 10:58 AM

Yes, I tell friends/family if I know about their partner having an affair. I've done it twice now. The first time I was just out of High School and my friend had a long term girlfriend. He brought his GF's friend over to my place and told me that him and his LTR had broken up. Odd, but okay.

The next day we were at another friend's house and he walked in with his LTR GF. He told me in private that he 'just had to' sleep with his GF's friend. I told him that he had to tell his LTR GF or I would. He did. He was not happy with me.

The other time was my STBXW's sister, who came over to a get together with her new 'friend'. They weren't overt about it (they didn't kiss or anything) but it seemed clear that they were more than just friends. My STBXW's sister's long term boyfriend called me up and asked questions, I answered as best I could - honest about everything. Her affair was busted and she didn't speak to me for a year after that.

Screw cheaters - anyone who wants to make you complicit in their direct harming and abusing of another human being gets no consideration from me.

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