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Mind Struggling. Need thoughts from m/f

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The1stWife posted 11/19/2020 21:21 PM

The biggest tell is her dumping you at the Christmas party to run over and talk to “some guy who is a co-worker”.


That guy is more than a co-worker. Why didn’t you go chat with him together? Why weren’t YOU included in the conversation between them?

She disrespected you at the party.

Your gut is screening at you!! That bad dream you had? It’s your subconscious knowing she’s cheating. How do I know? Because I never was suspicious of my H. Never had a reason. But I woke up from a nightmare wherein my H told me (in the dream) that he no longer wanted to be married and wanted a D. The date of this conversation is a very specific date. I didn’t dream he was cheating in my dream.

One month later is dday1. He admits to the start of an affair. Ten days later (the date in my dream) he tells me he wants a D.

Now I was smart enough to pay attention to us from the day of the dream to the day he wants a D. Nothing odd or strange.

But somehow I knew something was not right. Same as you - that dream and her behavior all scream CHEATER at you.

She can lie, stonewall, deflect, minimize etc all she wants. You know the truth. She’s a cheaters. Period.

KHBeo posted 11/19/2020 22:31 PM

1stwife - The gut feeling is what is getting to me. I have had before in my life and always told myself to always listen to your gut. Why this time my brain is fighting it so hard. I think this is why I search so hard for an answer.

We expect our other to be respectful of the commitment made in a marriage. Hell, even when dating as a couple.

As for the weight loss. There was a lot of effort put into doing this. And at the time, I really thought it was for her. The comments about not feeling comfortable with herself. Thought just a self esteem thing. I never made any comments about her weight ever.

Maybe, this is when the guys started paying more attention to her. This is when I think it all started.

She is a very good looking woman and tall. And I am sure, just like many dogs (reference to horny men) out there they started paying attention to her.

From the way she was speaking about this guy or that guy, tells me a lot there, as to their motives.

When it comes to the amount of details about each guy is what keeps throwing a red flag to me. The car, the coaching little league baseball and where . He enjoys this and he enjoys doing that. There was a lot of detail. Then that lady at work, just disappearing completely is another red flag. The lady and he husband would come over or we would go out with them. It just stopped and no contact. Moral red flag there.

Another thing that stands out big in my mind is the time we were at the car dealership purchasing her a new car. We were sitting at the finance persons desk and they asked for her license. She then proceeded to tell the story of getting her license and about her first name. "They" were standing in line (in our state there are license centers in super markets) and she needed to get something. She said hold my place. From here mouth, "he told me to run Forest run." I watched the blood run out of her face and the look of someone trying to come up with a quick lie.

With a shocked look on her face, she told me, "oh, there was a lot of people from the office with us renewing their license." My brain call BS just at the moment. I know the people at her office. Less then 60 employees at this location for the firm. Most are much older females, with there being one or 2 younger females. And not one she ever talked about having a birthdate near hers.

That was a quick on the spot lie. I guess she thought I would not put it together.

Then it was the. "oh, I am going to watch my bosses son play his baseball game." I guess she forgot she told me the one guy coached little league baseball. This happened a few times. The little heavy set guy did not live more than a few miles from the ball park. Sorry, I tracked her movements that day and saw where she went.

Quick story about cell phones. A cell phone can be tracked, along with the movements of the person. Depending on cell tower or towers you can track a persons movements down to about 10 feet. One day she she told me she was going to watch her bosses son play baseball I watched. I saw her go to the ball park. The base park just a few minutes from heavy set guys house. Her phone never moved from the one spot for 45 minutes after she arrived. It did move after that 45 minutes to a different place in the park. Could she have left the phone in her car? Likely, but highly doubtful, since that phone never leaves her side.

She did call to tell me she was coming home a few hours later. I watched her moving around in the ball park. I did the same type of tracking, when I would check on her at lunch. I could see what restaurant, which house etc. You can see all details and it is scary sometimes. These were the times I wished I did do the work I do nor know what I do. Scary crap at how a person can be tracked. No. It is not find my iPhone.

The tracking was all after the gut feeling I had.

At the time things were so random that it was hard to put 2 and 2 together. A little thing here. A little thing here. Over time the details all start to come together.

Eats me up, that I was so blind. Pisses me off, because here I have been the faithful husband for years. I know I could have cheated and have had many times to do so. Had women ask me out. I am in good shape and take care of myself. Marine for 8 years.

Yes, she does work at a large law firm. She is the legal assistant to one of the main partners at the firm. The firm has 7 office in different states. I know that I will get completely screwed over. I have spoken to a few lawyers to cover my rear. I know what will happen.

I am just trying to make sense of it all in my head. How could someone, with a child be so careless and thoughtless.

I said there was more and I am a detail kind of person. Why, I guess I am good at my job.

Thank you all for the input.

[This message edited by KHBeo at 10:46 PM, November 19th (Thursday)]

siracha posted 11/20/2020 17:45 PM

Personally i can tell you that a decade ago I had alot of work friends ( male and female ) and I often had lunch with them solo . Now im a little too senior to have lunch with work people or make friends at work . Her knowing people well or having lunch with them is not at all a red flag if they are at the same level . otherwise it is a big red flag .
People lose weight all the time - its not always for external validation i would not make too much of that
Now to the bad news - her behavior at the party and your dwindling sex life both sound like new and unpleasant developments , cheating precheating or no cheating sounds like your marriage is in trouble .
You havent told us much about your wife's good attributes what i gleaned is that you feel she is both a shallow person and also prone to lies . If that is the case I think we have an active cheater . Maybe go right to the PI
People who dont truly value themselves (for eg people who see their value as a dress size) , think any idiot hanging around with them when they are a few sizes up deserves contempt and must have something wrong with them
For many people it is a very short hop from self loathing to sex for kibbles and subsequently devaluing the BS to justify their own behavior .

fareast posted 11/20/2020 19:11 PM


Sorry you are going through this. Take care of you and your daughter. Something you mentioned raised a question. Since the incident at your WW’s Holiday Party a year ago there has been no affection in your M at all? She had no change in behavior since the party? Over the last eleven months has she shown any remorse or any change in your relationship? Do you believe that if she was in an A that it continues? The lack of any affection at all could signal she has checked out of your M.

KHBeo posted 11/20/2020 22:42 PM

She is very attentive to our daughter now. When the W goes out she takes the daughter with her. Every rarely goes out alone. People always see her as nice and friendly. But, I do not know many of her current co-workers. I do know a lot of the women at her office really don't talk with her much now. She tends to now talk bad about these women I once heard good things about.

The sex life is nada. I tired once and was turned away and I just gave up period even asking.

I don't think the A continued, because maybe he just got what he wanted and went his way, since she now calls him an asshole.

Over the period of time there has only been weight gain and talking bad about the Christmas lawyer. She has started talking about another new lawyer. Not a lot of details like before. Just talk about him looking for a new car and she showing him her car and he will just stop by her desk to shoot the shit.

For the guy or guys she went out to lunch with. They are not on equal levels or even in the same departments.

That Christmas party lawyer has he own LA. And they are not in the same section.

The weight gain and her attitude is friendly, but more like roommates honestly. Maybe, that is due to me for feeling the way I do. Anytime I try to bring up anything, she will go to the bed and not talk period. She hates confirmation. I never yell. I just ask questions.

I think it was easier at work to cheat, because she was getting a lot of attention from other guys. But, now that the office has dried up, she is acting like a fixed dog, just hanging around the house gaining weight. Sounds bad, but that is how it all appears.

SnowToArmPits posted 11/20/2020 23:22 PM

The sex life is nada. I tired once and was turned away and I just gave up period even asking.

her attitude is friendly, but more like roommates honestly.

Her cheating or not, your marriage is bad. And you're not happy in it or you wouldn't have posted here.

Tell her you're not married to have a room mate, you want a wife. I would guess she's not happy in the marriage either.

Question is now - what are the two of you going to do about it?

Sounds like she's checked out of wanting a loving relationship with you.

If you're not happy with the status quo OP, you need to do something about it.

[This message edited by SnowToArmPits at 11:23 PM, November 20th (Friday)]

smolderingdark posted 11/21/2020 00:20 AM


Perhaps it is time for you to check out of the marriage as well.

Separate living arrangements within your home.

Restricted communication. Speak to her only if it concerns childcare or the household. Offer one work answers or no answer to anything else.

Keep a VAR (voice activated recorder) on your person to guard against false allegations.

Withdraw all emotional support. Should she be perceptive enough to notice and ask what is wrong you answer - nothing.

If there is any offer of intimacy from her you should expect it is an attempt at manipulation and politely decline. Also wise to avoid intimacy because likely she did not use protection with her conquests and it is unlikely she has gotten herself tested.

This is no way to live long term. You have already consulted a lawyer and the outlook is not favorable to you. You must decide if you can live your life as it is or divorce.

You could also formally ask to open the marriage as a courtesy. I think you realize your wife already opened the marriage. You should expect she will likely deny this request. Do as I say, not as I do.

Time is on your side for the moment. Your wife doesn't suspect that you know anything. That is your advantage.

[This message edited by smolderingdark at 12:21 AM, November 21st (Saturday)]

ThisIsSoLonely posted 11/23/2020 03:38 AM

To the women here - Is it normal for a women to know all details about a co-workers (not in the same department) life?
Is it normal to go out to lunch with a male co-worker, just the 2 of you?

I'm a woman and a lawyer, and back when I was in private practice, the answer to your question regarding going to lunch would be yes. As a new lawyer at a firm with 50 attorneys in my office only about 6 of us were women. Of those 6, 2 were partners, and of the other 4, only 1 was remotely my age, and I did not really "click" with her much. She was nice enough, and I did go to lunch with her a few times, but often I would eat lunch with other male attorneys, usually those I was working on a case with. This was not super-frequent as usually I ate at my desk, but when I went out, yes, I ate with other male co-workers, sometimes in a group, and sometimes just me and one other. Not always the same one, but there were 5 or 6 of us who would eat together fairly regularly - some married, some single (I was single at the time but I would have done the same thing after marriage as well). Nothing was going on with any of them and I never felt like anything even remotely flirty was said.

As for the details about someone's life, one of my male co-workers was going through a pretty bad divorce and he had 2 kids. We did talk about that from time to time - our offices were next door - to the point that I invited him to join me and some other friends at a pool party at my sister's place as his kids were the same age. He seemed genuinely happy for the offer, showed up, had a good time as did his girls, and again, nothing was "going on" between us nor did I give him the impression that I was interested in that.

So - anything is possible - but you have to trust your gut.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 3:40 AM, November 23rd (Monday)]

SlapNutsABingo posted 11/23/2020 09:33 AM

The environment you are raising your daughter in now is toxic, and will effect her in ways you can not foresee at this time.....

Derpmeister posted 11/23/2020 15:50 PM

What oldtruck said.

I think a polygraph is the quickest road to where you need to be.

That said, I would think she has self-justified her affair because you haven't been sleeping together that long, mind-bogglingly long to me. Sounds like some hormonal unbalance story.
She may have tacitly justified her behaviour as you just losing interest as well.
If this isn't the case you really need to look into the sex-drive issue on both or one of your sides.

Either way. The way you describe it, it takes too much effort and she's too good at hiding tracks if need be.
Just talk to her, tell her these last 6 months have destroyed your confidence, and that you need a polygraph to restore the damage done to your relationship through her and your own choices.
And that you still want her but are dealing with unwanted OCD at this point.

src9043 posted 11/23/2020 17:19 PM

Your marriage certainly has problems. The fact that there is no physical intimacy is extremely bad. Do not rug sweep. I did that and it only prolonged my misery with a terrible WS. People who lose weight have a difficult time keeping it off. Her motivation to lose weight could very well have been connected to an EA. The fact that the attorney she adored is now an asshole smells of rejection. Again, all of this is speculation. You have to push the pedal to the metal and get her engaged in dealing with the problems. Go into IC now. You won't be able to clear your mind and fully commit to revitalizing your marriage until the truth, to your satisfaction, is known. Ask her if she wants a divorce. Her response will be a gauge as to how bad things may be. But tell her that she must come clean now. Level with her what you suspect. If she runs off and refuses to discuss anything, you have your answer.

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