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11 year and struggling....Help pls

Sgb2020 posted 11/2/2020 11:34 AM

Apologies for the long post ahead!

Some facts first. I cheated - PA of 3months - in 2009. I married my best friend in 2001. Yet I cheated my best friend in marriage. In Dec 2009 I told my husband about my affair as I could not stop it although I knew that what I was doing was wrong. He called the OM and his wife (as we were family friends) the next day and we talked..my husband confronted both of us. I stopped all contacts with OM immediately and never contacted him ever after that.
However Trickle truth followed for the next few months ( I felt at that time that the less I told him I would save him from further pain - and i know that is all bull shit!!). I could understand that I pushed my husband into this situation n the trauma and I take fully responsibility of my affair. My husband is innocent. He is a great man and stood behind me and family like a rock even after what I did to him.

We decided to continue for our 2 little children and also he did not want to give a shock to his old parents. Though what I did to my husband is proper ground for divorce, he chose to continue and in the process went thru the enormous trauma and agony. And he is still in trauma even after 11 years. I failed to help him and us. I see him daily and die a hundred deaths knowing that I caused this unbearing pain to him.

Whenever he asked me questions, I answered him, had aggressive sex and we went thru the physical pain during aggressive sex together. I have tried to support him with his needs - emotional nd physical. We tried counselling a few times in the first year but it didn't help as in my country it is not very structured - also he is not comfortable with most of the counsellors.

We have gone thru some good moments in these last 11 years. But he is very much still in trauma even today...it affects his sleep, work and health.

I fully take the blame and responsibilities of my past act. I have tried to support my husband in his healing but clearly I could not do what was needed else he would have healed to some extent I believe. We have talked about his needs...when he is frustrated sometimes he talks to me or sometimes physically gives me pain (he gets physically aggressive during sex at times) and I think when he vents out it helps him a bit. Yet it does not go away. It is as fresh as yesterday in his mind. The physical pain gives me momentary pain but I feel I deserve it for my sin.

I feel very dirty as a person. It is as fresh as yesterday in my mind sometimes. There are times like the last few days whenever I close my eyes I see myself in those days - laughing or smiling or confused in those months - and I hate myself to the core. My husband says he hates me - he has every right in the world to hate me for what I did to him and his family. I hate myself too for what I did to him and my family. And when such feeling comes I don't feel like going to him at all. I don't feel like talking to anybody or meeting anyone. I want to become invisible. I have fought this depression in the past myself by diverting my mind into work or kids or hubby or telling myself over and over again that I do not want to go back in that dark phase of my life. I don't want to go back to being that person yet that person was me even if it was 11 years ago. That haunts me! How could I be that mentally sick person? Am I really that person?? Though I have tried to be a good mom to my kids yet I know they are impacted due to this.

I have questions which sometimes my husband asks me why I did it ...I don't know! I wish I knew ! I had a happy family. I was in a break in my career to raise my kids...I took that decision but I was not happy about it after a couple of years. Then this OM came as a family friend and gave me lot of attention and pursued me. I have discussed what I did, where we went - physical acts, mails, messages - with my husband many times. Though I wish I had confessed every single detail together instead of Trickle truth in the initial months. TT really hurts and I have seen how!

Lot of women take career break but they do not end up having an affair. I was a weak person...broke my boundaries. But still why did I had to do it?? It beats my logic and I hate myself and can't face myself in the mirror. I also want an answer...I want to find out why I strayed and insulted my husband and family.

I have bottled it inside me and it is pushing me into depression now. I never gave importance to my need or depression so long...I felt I do not have any right any more. I should do and support what my BH needs. But I realize now that this feeling of dirtiness and meanness about my body and thought is hurting our marriage.

This morning I finally told my BH that I need to talk to a psychologist and he is finding one as he contacted a few earlier. Is that what I should do? What else should I do for my BH, for our marriage ...Pls help.
Apologies again for the long post.

[This message edited by Sgb2020 at 4:32 PM, November 2nd (Monday)]

Thumos posted 11/2/2020 11:51 AM

he beat me

Wait ... he physically beat you? As in domestic violence? Knocking you around?

100 percent unacceptable. I have a lot more to say but you need to get safe first and foremost.

jinkazama posted 11/2/2020 13:09 PM

I have the same question

He beat you like physical???

Domestic violence???

It is not acceptable.

[This message edited by jinkazama at 1:10 PM, November 2nd (Monday)]

foreverlabeled posted 11/2/2020 13:42 PM

I understand the mind fuck of feeling like you deserve his physical abuse, I'm guessing it wasn't an issue before? I struggled in my own M after my ex BH physically abused me and feeling like he would have never hit me if I didn't cheat. It took a long time for me to wrap my head around it and realize I deserved a lot of things but not that.

I would advise you to first address this and let him know that you are willing to discuss his pain and that you can step into his pain with him, but you gotta believe that you do not deserve the abuse and that he needs to stop.

I had a lot of sympathy for my exBH and the pain I caused him, I even understood why he would lash out like that and you can have that sympathy too, but that doesn't mean you allow it or have to endure it. Please seek help for it.

So with that said, finding your why is an important step. Its helpful for you both. Individual counseling will help you with that. You're not alone in not understanding why on your own. I needed help from those here, my IC, books.. Basically anything I could get my hands on. Do some research on your own and with the help of your counselor.

11 years is a long time. I sometimes think one never gets over being cheated on, but the pain does fade, usually in those who take on their healing, and its tough to heal from this type of trauma. I know some BSs truly need extra help outside of themselves and their WS.

Sgb2020 posted 11/2/2020 15:07 PM

Thanks for your concern. No..it's not domestic violence. Apologies if I gave that picture. In the initial months - post DDay - during sex a few times it happened...and I felt I deserved that pain those times.
Since the last one year, though we stay in the same house with kids, physical closeness between me and BH has become less. I feel he needs physical space of his own. And my guilt about my body n mind also is not helping in getting close. That has caused mental distance to an extent. And the restricted movement out of home in this pandemic in my country in the last 6 months has restricted all travel. This has perhaps added to the current situation.
During the Initial years I did feel that I could help our healing process. But somehow after these 10 years I am loosing hope.
Yes..am reading the files again here and the groups to see if I find anything that might help me. Thanks in advance for your time and thoughts.

forgettableDad posted 11/2/2020 15:14 PM

The physical pain gives me momentary pain but I feel I deserve it for my sin.
sometimes physically gives me pain and I think when he vents out it helps him a bit.
Um.. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Stop.

He needs to stop hitting you. You need to stop letting him hit you.

You both need space to heal because this relationship is toxic to the extreme and if nothing else your children are growing up to understand that this is somehow an acceptable way to handle issues.

He needs to get into therapy and so should you. And frankly, he needs to understand that the next time he "gives you pain" the police will get involved.

I take fully responsibility of my affair.
No. No you haven't. Letting your partner abuse you physically is not "taking responsibility" - it's running away from actually getting better. Taking responsibility is digging deep and changing for the better. Separation and divorce may be the consequence of the cheating. Both partners need to understand that. Staying in an abusive relationship for 11 years is not the way to go about things.

HellFire posted 11/2/2020 15:34 PM

he beat me and we went thru the physical torture together.

when he is frustrated sometimes he talks to me or sometimes physically gives me pain


No..it's not domestic violence. Apologies if I gave that picture. In the initial months - post DDay - during sex a few times it happened...and I felt I deserved that pain those times.


You didn't "give that impression. You flat out said he beat you,and when he is fristrated,he causes you physical pain.

You worded it as if he beats you,and hurts you physically when he is mad. And you didn't indicate at all that it happened a couple of times during sex, 11 years ago.

You completely contradicted yourself.

There's a huge difference between getting too rough during sex,and flat out beating you.

Maybe you can tell is exactly what happened. Otherwise this will be the only thing everyone focuses on.


Sgb2020 posted 11/2/2020 16:26 PM

@hellfire - yes I see what you mean. It's not beating or slapping or thrashing as in domestic violence. BH used to get aggressive during sex in the initial months and it would be painful during sex. Well I never imagined sex could be painful before my DDay. (It may sound stupid but I was not exposed to porn or blue films in my country before my DDay). It lasted for few months in the first year and somehow it helped me as I took it as a punishment.

However after reading the comments here I went and edited my original post a bit. But I have a new question now. Thinking of or giving physical pain during sex - is that normal for a BS? I somehow thought it is a normal outburst n coping mechanism for the BH. Is that wrong? Should I talk about it with my counselor?

[This message edited by Sgb2020 at 4:44 PM, November 2nd (Monday)]

forgettableDad posted 11/2/2020 17:04 PM

I have questions which sometimes my husband asks me why I did it ...I don't know! I wish I knew
My original point stands. You've not taken responsibility. You're running away from helping yourself. If you want to know why, go and find out.

(he gets physically aggressive during sex at times
That's, that's not really any better you know. This is an indication that he needs help processing and moving forward (to whichever choice he wants to make eventually).

11 years of living like this isn't healthy. To you. To him. And mostly to your kids.

The physical pain gives me momentary pain but I feel I deserve it for my sin.
This is a very unhealthy coping mechanism. Using physical pain to mask emotional trauma is yet another sign that you need guidance in building tools to deal with the current state of your relationship.

I doubt anyone here can give you this guidance.

This morning I finally told my BH that I need to talk to a psychologist and he is finding one as he contacted a few earlier. Is that what I should do
Yes. This is something you both should do. I would say it's actually important that you choose your therapist and he chooses his.

NotMyFirstRodeo posted 11/2/2020 19:53 PM

No spouse deserves abuse of any type. Him causing you pain is a destructive behavior. It's unhealthy for BOTH of you.

landclark posted 11/2/2020 20:50 PM

Thinking of or giving physical pain during sex - is that normal for a BS? I somehow thought it is a normal outburst n coping mechanism for the BH. Is that wrong? Should I talk about it with my counselor?

I wouldnít say itís the norm, no. He seems to resent you and is taking it out on you physically, and so far youíve taken it. Thatís a very dangerous dynamic because if you now stand up to him and say no more, what will happen?

Regardless of his reasons, intentionally trying to cause you physical pain is not ok, at all. He doesnít get to use you as a sex toy punching bag, regardless of what you did.

survrus posted 11/2/2020 21:22 PM

SGB,

Although I do not go lightly on cheaters, in your case you have done all you can to make amends. Particularly since you have told your BH all the details without holding back. Many BHs here would have forgiven or divorced a long time ago if they got what you gave your BH.

You are not a serial cheater and seem to have true regret and remorse.

Possibly you need to separate or divorce, though I sense you might be from a more traditional culture where it is less possible.

Sgb2020 posted 11/2/2020 22:06 PM

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts.

@survrus - yes BH talks about separation and divorce now but it was important to stand by our children who were small that time.

Yes..he resents me. And I think that's only natural after what I committed..I basically ruined him and our happy family. Whatever he needs I am okay with it. Initially I did believe that I got a second chance in my marriage so I need to do whatever it takes to make it work for us. I did try. But I understand that for some it is a deal breaker - the term that I saw some people used here. He resents me and also he is irritated with himself as it flashes back in his mind even now and he says it is there constantly. And I understand it as it happens to me as well at times.

He also tried therapists on n off over the years...he found and went to one last month also but his approach didn't help him. I guess getting the right therapist is not easy either. He has found again a few now and I would contact them this week for appointment.

He also visited a psychiatrist who wanted to advise some medicines to calm his nerves as he is agitated, doesn't get sleep. He has been taking sleep medicines for the last 9-10 years now but that effectiveness is also wearing off. Does these medicines given by psychiatrists help...even if temporarily? I really long to see the freshness after a good night's sleep or rest on his face.

There are these phases of depression and both him and myself understand it. I feel truly obliged to him and to God for giving me the chance to be with my children and him for these years. But this agony and trauma is taking a heavy toll on him and I am both the cause and witness to it.. yet I am unable to do anything to ease it for him. Perhaps no one can...perhaps it doesn't work. Time definitely doesn't heal!

[This message edited by Sgb2020 at 10:07 PM, November 2nd (Monday)]

NotMyFirstRodeo posted 11/3/2020 09:02 AM

Right now "the blind leading the blind" may be a good description of your situation. It looks obvious based on your own words that in the vacuum of your relationship you will not find a solution or path to healing. I recommend you continuing your search for someone who can help both of you heal. I wish I could make a specific recommendation but I can't and I can only hope both of you see the need for external help. Recognizing you have a problem is the first step in correcting it.

Sgb2020 posted 11/4/2020 14:37 PM

Am new to this forum and unable to reply to individual posts.
@NotmyFirstRodeo - thanks for your response. I guess you are right about our current situation. And yes, we are in our search for the right therapist.

Meanwhile I keep reading the threads here to learn more about the situation and how to work on it. And it's an eye-opener!

Request the moderators that If there are workbooks or guide books that are helpful, kindly point me to it or the section where I can find such references. Thanks in advance!

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