Apologies for the long post ahead!
Some facts first. I cheated - PA of 3months - in 2009. I married my best friend in 2001. Yet I cheated my best friend in marriage. In Dec 2009 I told my husband about my affair as I could not stop it although I knew that what I was doing was wrong. He called the OM and his wife (as we were family friends) the next day and we talked..my husband confronted both of us. I stopped all contacts with OM immediately and never contacted him ever after that.
However Trickle truth followed for the next few months ( I felt at that time that the less I told him I would save him from further pain - and i know that is all bull shit!!). I could understand that I pushed my husband into this situation n the trauma and I take fully responsibility of my affair. My husband is innocent. He is a great man and stood behind me and family like a rock even after what I did to him.
We decided to continue for our 2 little children and also he did not want to give a shock to his old parents. Though what I did to my husband is proper ground for divorce, he chose to continue and in the process went thru the enormous trauma and agony. And he is still in trauma even after 11 years. I failed to help him and us. I see him daily and die a hundred deaths knowing that I caused this unbearing pain to him.
Whenever he asked me questions, I answered him, had aggressive sex and we went thru the physical pain during aggressive sex together. I have tried to support him with his needs - emotional nd physical. We tried counselling a few times in the first year but it didn't help as in my country it is not very structured - also he is not comfortable with most of the counsellors.
We have gone thru some good moments in these last 11 years. But he is very much still in trauma even today...it affects his sleep, work and health.
I fully take the blame and responsibilities of my past act. I have tried to support my husband in his healing but clearly I could not do what was needed else he would have healed to some extent I believe. We have talked about his needs...when he is frustrated sometimes he talks to me or sometimes physically gives me pain (he gets physically aggressive during sex at times) and I think when he vents out it helps him a bit. Yet it does not go away. It is as fresh as yesterday in his mind. The physical pain gives me momentary pain but I feel I deserve it for my sin.
I feel very dirty as a person. It is as fresh as yesterday in my mind sometimes. There are times like the last few days whenever I close my eyes I see myself in those days - laughing or smiling or confused in those months - and I hate myself to the core. My husband says he hates me - he has every right in the world to hate me for what I did to him and his family. I hate myself too for what I did to him and my family. And when such feeling comes I don't feel like going to him at all. I don't feel like talking to anybody or meeting anyone. I want to become invisible. I have fought this depression in the past myself by diverting my mind into work or kids or hubby or telling myself over and over again that I do not want to go back in that dark phase of my life. I don't want to go back to being that person yet that person was me even if it was 11 years ago. That haunts me! How could I be that mentally sick person? Am I really that person?? Though I have tried to be a good mom to my kids yet I know they are impacted due to this.
I have questions which sometimes my husband asks me why I did it ...I don't know! I wish I knew ! I had a happy family. I was in a break in my career to raise my kids...I took that decision but I was not happy about it after a couple of years. Then this OM came as a family friend and gave me lot of attention and pursued me. I have discussed what I did, where we went - physical acts, mails, messages - with my husband many times. Though I wish I had confessed every single detail together instead of Trickle truth in the initial months. TT really hurts and I have seen how!
Lot of women take career break but they do not end up having an affair. I was a weak person...broke my boundaries. But still why did I had to do it?? It beats my logic and I hate myself and can't face myself in the mirror. I also want an answer...I want to find out why I strayed and insulted my husband and family.
I have bottled it inside me and it is pushing me into depression now. I never gave importance to my need or depression so long...I felt I do not have any right any more. I should do and support what my BH needs. But I realize now that this feeling of dirtiness and meanness about my body and thought is hurting our marriage.
This morning I finally told my BH that I need to talk to a psychologist and he is finding one as he contacted a few earlier. Is that what I should do? What else should I do for my BH, for our marriage ...Pls help.
Apologies again for the long post.
[This message edited by Sgb2020 at 4:32 PM, November 2nd (Monday)]