Underserving posted 10/26/2020 10:25 AM

My WH will be working out of town this week. Is it awful I’m looking forward to having some time to myself? A few days where his presence doesn’t trigger me?

Also, please tell me this doesn’t necessarily mean we’re doomed because I feel that way.

wifehad5 posted 10/26/2020 11:01 AM

I think what you're feeling is totally normal, and doesn't mean you're doomed or not doomed. Take the break and take care of yourself.

Chaos posted 10/26/2020 11:08 AM

Nope - totally normal.

Spend that time on some luxurious self care. You can't pour from an empty cup.

Oldwounds posted 10/26/2020 11:13 AM

Any positive moment in recovery is a good thing, no matter how it comes.

Life gets overwhelming, the mundane becomes dread and all those things you already know.

Having a chance to catch your breath, have some peace and quality “me” time to heal a bit, is a great thing.

My R is going really well and I still need “me” time. I’ve always been very independent, my whole life and have required time alone. Reading and writing are my two primary activities and I always need space for that.

The stronger you get, the less the triggers bother you.

Underserving posted 10/26/2020 11:37 AM

Thanks for the reassurance!

I had mentioned feeling this way to my mom, and she was worried I would enjoy him being gone too much, and might give up on the M all together. My entire family has been pushing for R since d-day. That’s a long and tiring story I have not had the energy to share on here.

It’s rainy and cold here in Texas (at least where I’m at. It’s a big state ) My kids are FINALLY back in school after a long time of virtual learning. Know what I’m doing today?? Being a lazy bum, and it’s feels amazing!

Tomorrow I plan on going to target and getting some new fall/winter clothes. Thanks to the infidelity diet and losing 30 lbs, I need some stuff. Also plan on swinging by bath and body works for some of my favorite candles. Little things, but I’m looking forward to them.

R takes up so much of my energy. It’s nice to just breathe and focus 100% on myself for a week.

whatisloveanyway posted 10/26/2020 13:16 PM

Underserving, I can relate to looking forward to the time alone. I would guess it has no bearing on whether or not you are doomed! I would suggest you embrace it with an open mind.

For the first year I didn't want WH out of my sight and travelled with him whenever I could. That was shock, pick me and insecurity talking. Now, in year two, I am fine with time alone and look forward to the break from the lingering weight of the A. I use my time alone to think about me, do some self improvement reading, listen to whatever I want to on the tv or radio, dance in the kitchen if the mood strikes me, stay up late, take long walks, reconnect with my friends, and on and on... The most important thing I do though is see if I miss him. He sure seems to miss me and worry about me, almost too much now. I'm fine, though, and my time alone goes too fast with each new trip. I use the time to reflect on what still triggers me and how to better handle the problems I still face. So far, I have missed him every time. It's a good litmus test for me, to know that I still want him in my life. If you are still in year one, don't overthink what your current state of mind might mean, and use the break to see how you feel with a little more space and time. Best of luck to you.

hikingout posted 10/26/2020 13:38 PM

My H had to go out of town this week too. I feel similarly. It's exhausting to be in his presence because I want my comfort in him back and then I just get mad and want him to go away again. I think we could both use a break. I worry about their NC, but I can't force him to behave and it probably doesn't matter at all whether he is here or there if they are going to break NC then they will. But, overall, I feel like I exhaled when he left this morning.

Mickie500 posted 10/26/2020 19:20 PM

I don’t think my husband will travel out of town for work without me anymore.

Thissucks5678 posted 10/26/2020 23:15 PM

This is a bit off topic, but I just want you to know that you are not the only one whose family has pushed for R. My entire family pushed for Reconciliation as well. I see where they were coming from and I agree ( young children, etc). But still in my circle, I only had one single person advocating for me, and at times that has been hard.

I am happy with my choice to reconcile, but I do wish I had more people in my corner after dday. Maybe I would have made a different choice, maybe not. I’m pretty positive I made the right choice, but I do regret the fact that I didn’t have more advocates.

Just wanted to let you know that. I don’t think it’s bad that you look forward to when he’s out of town - it’s a sign of you being autonomous and not codependent.

Thissucks5678 posted 10/26/2020 23:16 PM

This is a bit off topic, but I just want you to know that you are not the only one whose family has pushed for R. My entire family pushed for Reconciliation as well. I see where they were coming from and I agree ( young children, etc). But still in my circle, I only had one single person advocating for me, and at times that has been hard.

I am happy with my choice to reconcile, but I do wish I had more people in my corner after dday. Maybe I would have made a different choice, maybe not. I’m pretty positive I made the right choice, but I do regret the fact that I didn’t have more advocates.

Just wanted to let you know that. I don’t think it’s bad that you look forward to when he’s out of town - it’s a sign of you being autonomous and not codependent.

The1stWife posted 10/27/2020 01:56 AM

I hear ya!!!!! Enjoy your time alone.

Underserving posted 10/29/2020 10:44 AM

Well, it’s been nice having some space. However there have been new triggers.

I’ll try to make this make sense. I’m not sure I’ll succeed.

My WHs affair was essentially an over the phone one. He did meet up with her a total of 12 times over the 9 months. Those were only during a 2 month time period (November and December) and 9 of those were at 6:00 in the morning. He never took her on dates, had dinner over at her house, or even really hung out with her more than maybe an hour. He went months without seeing her after ending the physical aspect of the affair. In fact, once he ended that part, he only saw her one more time in early January, and then never did again. The A lasted until early May.

Its triggering talking to him while he’s away. I guess because I imagine there were a lot of “I miss you’s” and all that comes with having a relationship where you don’t physically see the person. I get stuck thinking all that he’s saying to me, he probably said to her. How much he misses me, misses my body. How much he loves me and can’t stand being away from me. Shit like that.

Our day to day I don’t really compare anything to the OW. He didn’t share anything real with her. They didn’t spend much time together at all. He’d basically just go there to F her, and then leave to go to work.

Ugh I hate that I can’t put into words what I’m feeling in a way that makes sense.

The jist is, all our communication while he has been gone has been extremely triggering. Just something I wasn’t expecting.

Underserving posted 10/29/2020 10:51 AM

Oh and the sending pictures to each other???

HUGE trigger. They sent 100s during that time. So yeah... it’s kind of sucked.

Oldwounds posted 10/29/2020 16:21 PM

Ugh I hate that I can’t put into words what I’m feeling in a way that makes sense.

It made sense to me.

And I think it ALWAYS helps to write it out to help understand what it is that is bothering you. I vented a bunch on this site and it always helped, even when I barely made sense to myself.

I did spend some time wondering if patterns of communication created during the A made it into our marriage. Or what habits that developed in the A got added to my life.

So, again, it makes sense to me that you would question what or why he is choosing certain words over the phone.

Notaboringwife posted 10/29/2020 16:25 PM

I get stuck thinking all that he’s saying to me, he probably said to her.

Oh and the sending pictures to each other???

Underserving, my husband , 16 months past R-day, not only uses the same affection words he used with the XAP, he also writes me the exact same lines he used to text her.

I triggered something awful at first. Now I realize how seriously his affection vocabulary is limited, and his affection/love writing skills lack originality.

I do not trigger anymore at the communications between us. He is not a Hemingway. He is my imperfect husband. His effort at reassurance and genuine feelings is what is important for the two of us.

I don't care if he uses the same lines as with the XAP from the past, this situation does not exist , it is only in my mind that it exits. What he says and feels today about me is what that counts.

The XAP is out of our lives. Please do not let these cursed mind triggers about the past derail your time to yourself. Focus on today, for you to enjoy.

Underserving posted 10/30/2020 08:47 AM

I am happy with my choice to reconcile, but I do wish I had more people in my corner after dday. Maybe I would have made a different choice, maybe not. I’m pretty positive I made the right choice, but I do regret the fact that I didn’t have more advocates.

I feel the exact same. I have not had ONE person in my real life who has told me ”it’s ok if you choose to leave.” I probably would have chosen to at least attempt R on my own, but feeling like everyone, even my own parents, were in my WHs corner instead of mine, has been really hard. I say they’re in his corner because he wants R, and I haven’t been so sure. They use religion and our kids being young all the time. It’s been a whole separate battle of making sure I’m doing what I want to do, and not what I think everyone else wants me to do.

this situation does not exist , it is only in my mind that it exits. What he says and feels today about me is what that counts.

I needed this. Thank you. My brain hasn’t quite accepted that this happened 4 years ago, and isn’t happening now.

He got home last night, and I actually had really missed him and was glad to see him. We enjoyed our night together, and have a fun weekend planned.

He goes out of town again next week, and it will be over my birthday. My birthday is a hard one for me, because he talked to her for hours on the phone in 2016 on that day. He might have even met up with her, but he vehemently denies it. He’s admitted to worse, but I still don’t know if I believe him. Anyways, not looking forward to all of that, but I’ll get through it.