IamWorthyOfHealt posted 10/24/2020 12:55 PM

I feel so broken. I have so much anger and rage with my boyfriend. I found out he cheated and lied to me for years, we've been together for 5,I found out 2 years ago. I thought we were finally in a good place but thus year has been hell. I love him so much but it seems there's a trigger every week and huge fights every month. Last night I became physical because I just lost it. He told me he is going on a guy trip next week with the "guy" friend who encouraged him to go out and party nonstop...I lost it because he took the woman on several trips over the years that he swore up and down it was with his guys (that's what I found out years later that it was always a lie). So when I heard him say guy trip I just knew he was lying. Then he argued saying he never cheated because we weren't together, I get so angry because for years he said I was his girl and that there was no one else and everytime the cheating comes up he tries to play dumb or gaslight and say that it wasn't cheating because we weren't together but we were. Al those years he created a reality for me and I believe him. Now I just feel so broken and lost. He's my life and I don't know what to do without him. I have no one and feel so alone. I feel so deeply betrayed and stuck. I was such a good woman and girlfriend to him all those years he was doing me wrong.he begged me to stay when I found out.we went to counseling but nothing changed. I don't trust anything that comes out of his mouth...I feel like my time was stolen I feel so angry because I treated him how I wanted to be treated only to find out he was hurting me in secret for so long. Now I get so angry when he does something that reminds me of all the pain he caused so deeply. I'm 36 and when we started dating I was 31, and at Peace doing so well, now I cry all the time because I dream of a family and feel like it's too late.i know this story is all over the place but it's my life right now and I don't know what to do and how to heal. I can't see life without him even though I know he's done so much. I have become a person full of rage and anger...all I do is cry now and mourn how I used to be before he did all those horrible things to me...I don't know what to do.

Justsomeguy posted 10/24/2020 13:24 PM

It doesn't sound like this relationship is bringing out the best in you. Is it what to want or are you caught in a sunk cost fallacy? I think you need to really explore what he brings to you, how he makes you better, or worse. I'm a big fan if journals. I wasn't always, but now I realize all of the mental gymnastics I go through to self justify poor decision making on my part. Then I go over what I wrote with an objective lens, or I read it to my sister and we discuss it. It has really helped me see things more objectively.

I heading to D, so take what I say for what it is worth. My decision to D was a absolutely the right one. Cheating was and is a dealbreaker for me. Hell, I am now at a point that I dont know if I could ever enter a relationship again. I'm a little jaded, but also much more aware of human failings and the limits of my picker. I'm also content with me, or at least going in that direction.

I tried R for 7 months, but it was killing me. I was a shell of my former self. My heart broke every morning when I woke up and remembered what my life had become. I looked at my WW with contempt and disgust at what she had become. The limits of her character were on full display and I realized that she wasn't a candidate for true R because she just did not have the wiring necessary for it. When I stepped back and looked at it, I realized I was in a life sentence with meh, being the best I would ever experience.

I read success stories here, some are perminant and some are temporary. I wish R were more of an option for all of us, but I just don't see it in the numbers. It's easier to R than D, but easier isnt better. I wish I had a truly remorseful, empathetic, and kind WS, but I didn't. What I do have is peace. 3.5 years out, I am no longer in agony, that physical heartache pain that only another BS can understand. I have grown a huge amount since Dday#1 and Dday#2. Sometimes I am shocked at how much, but i know it's just the beginning of my journey.

Sorry for the diatribe, but I think this is my way of telling you to put yourself first. You are not your relationship. A partner should compliment your life, not be the reason for it. If you chose yo put yourself first, as you should, you will be surprised at how strong you will become. It won't be a pretty process, but the stuff that is truly valuable srlfkm comes with pretty. You've got one beautiful and amazing chance at life. Hiw do you want it to play out

ShatteredSakura posted 10/24/2020 15:19 PM

I have become a person full of rage and anger...all I do is cry now and mourn how I used to be before he did all those horrible things to me...I don't know what to do.

Most of what you wrote described me too. She wouldn't stop, she said one thing and did another. She'd want to be with me but then talk to the AP or visit him when I wasn't looking. She was lost and confused and it made our relationship very toxic. Even when we had good moments, I felt so much anger and resentment and could be easily triggered because the affair never really ended. It just was paused every so often.

Deep down you know what you need to do. It won't be easy, it'll be very painful - maybe even more painful than what you're going through right now trying to ride it out. He isn't going to stop. Someone who puts their SO through this for this long will not stop on their own. The alternative is to hold out even longer where he ends up just leaving you anyways, and that may hurt even more than taking action and putting yourself first now.

*hugs* just know you aren't alone

crazyblindsided posted 10/24/2020 15:34 PM

You should leave and thank god you aren't married or have kids with this person. You can make a clean break. I'm so sorry you are going through this, but better to see who he is now than later when you are tied down. The anger is normal because it is an injustice and abuse. Remember to take care of YOU and your self-healing. There are better people out there that have the same values you do. Your BF isn't one of them.

siracha posted 10/24/2020 16:09 PM

Im sorry you are going through this. You have plenty of reproductive years left to be done with this person and have children with a man who loves and respects you , a man who will be a good role model and a loving father
Take time to heal eat well sleep well and lean on the people who love you. .The healing library is a good start .

psychmom posted 10/24/2020 16:19 PM

Worthy, ShatteredSakura nailed it

Deep down you know what you need to do. It won't be easy, it'll be very painful - maybe even more painful than what you're going through right now trying to ride it out.

You’re an intelligent woman. You know what’s going on intellectually, but your heart is in a different place. I call this listening to your gut. But I’m 6 years out and was so loudly in R, until I started to see cracks that are leading me to a place similar to where you are.

We can’t wish it away. We can’t make our cheating partner someone different than who they are. It’s sad and it’s scary. But truth is, we are better off not living under the shadow of doubt and anger and all that comes with it.

I wish you well on this fucked up journey. I’ll that hate and hurt is telling you something important. Listen to it, as hard as it may be.

[This message edited by psychmom at 4:19 PM, October 24th (Saturday)]

LadyG posted 10/24/2020 18:36 PM

I am so sorry that you going through this. I went through the Rage phase and lashed out at WH just once. I wanted him to feel my pain and face up to the destruction he had caused. Although our children are all grown up I feel he has stolen my future retirement plan.

This has been the worst year to separate but my STBXWH was constantly triggering my PTSD so NC was the only solution.

You need to start making plans to get out of this relationship. You will get better. You will have the family you crave for, just not with him.

IamWorthyOfHealt posted 11/2/2020 17:28 PM

Thank you everyone for your real and comforting words. I have taken in all that you all had to share and am making the moves to get into a better place away from all this bad energy. I'm worthy of more and I deserve more.

Currently working on healing and my anger from all of this. I will be able to become the calm, peaceful and loving woman I once were before all of this. 🖤

EmbraceTheChange posted 11/3/2020 08:18 AM

Yeah, I can totally relate to the rage. I thought we had a good marriage - I was looking after the kids, he was working and we would finally spend time together in the evening. We used to go for walks, and go to the library, and just enjoy being together. Weekends we were doing family trips, had bbqs with friends.

Finding out that my husband was just parking his arse home at night and couldn't wait for Monday morning because his COW was back at her house and they couldn't be together, yeah, this hurt like heck. Proof was the constant texting.

Finding out that my husband thought I was a joke because my only "interests" were homeschooling and changing diapers, while he could have adult convos with the COW since she would understand, yeah this hurt.

Finding out that he would seek the COW's advice on what I should do with my own money and my homeschooling (never wanted his expert opinion, I knew what I wanted to do), yeah this hurt.

Finding out that me being me and him talking to me was just to gain more ammo to prove to the COW how stupid I was, yeah this hurt.

Finding out that me being supportive of his career just gave him more time with the OW, yeah, it hurt.

Finding out that he didn't give a shit about being a husband to me and be a good father, but gave 100% to be the perfect OM and weasle his way to be a good step dad, yeah this hurt.

Finding out that it was better and more enjoyable to spend time with the COW than with me, yeah this hurt.

Finding out that she was treated like the Queen Bee while I was getting crumbs, yeah this hurt.

I was a ball of anger for a few years, especially once I started putting all the dots together and could see all the leeway I was giving him to have a nice life, while he was fine putting shit in our couple, for the sake of drama and proving, once again, how shit I was, how unhappy he was being with me, to his mom and to COW.

COW came along and she was the woman of his dreams. Married but married to somebody who was not making her happy. Thanks God ex husband stepped up! Whoohoo! Bet OBS was chuffed knowing a tosser was "better" than him.

So so be it. I wasted 20 years with him, and so did he, obviously, by being in a relationship with a joke.