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Recognizing Effort

Underserving posted 10/23/2020 16:29 PM

I mostly come here to get support for myself, vent my frustrations, and to seek advice when Iím feeling overwhelmed. I hardly mention my WH, unless Iím bitching about his A. I know thatís normal and valid, but I thought Iíd share something that has added a pinch to the trust and safety bucket.

He was asked to go on his dream guided hunting trip by a coworker. Itís valued at thousands of dollars and would be completely free. Weíre talking the processing, taxidermy, and everything. He of course asked for my blessing before agreeing to go. I wholeheartedly gave it to him. It was for this weekend.

If youíve read my latest post, I have had a few unexpectedly hard days, and just been overwhelmed and down. He recognized this, and told me he wouldnít go on this trip if I didnít want him to. I told him he absolutely should, an opportunity like this doesnít come along very often. I meant it, and made sure he knew that. I was still in my funk though. Last night he told me he let his coworker know he wasnít going to be able to go (it was a trip the guy won. Heís not out any money or anything) and that he wanted to be with me during this rough time. I know heís GOT to be bummed, but he isnít in any way showing his disappointment. Absolutely not guilt tripping me even a little.

It may not be some huge deal, but it showed me he was putting me and my feelings above himself. Like I said, itís just a few drops in the bucket, but at least itís being added to instead of taken from.


fareast posted 10/23/2020 17:58 PM

Thank you for sharing this. He is taking steps and it is encouraging. You are the prize and your pain is a priority. Baby steps toward demonstrating empathy for your pain. Hope it continues.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 10/23/2020 20:24 PM

What an AWESOME post...thanks so much for sharing !

Thumos posted 10/23/2020 20:41 PM

It is encouraging when WSís are able to step outside themselves and express some empathy, however small. Good for you.

Tanner posted 10/24/2020 02:44 AM

Thatís great!!! Itís nice when you start to see the remorse and empathy through actions and not just words. I try to step back from this crazy roller coaster ride and look at the big picture and evaluate whether we are progressing, regressing, or stagnant. Most of the time we continue progressing, while emotionally I might be regressing.

Those unexpected hard days will come, keep checking your trust and safety bucket.

Best wishes.

Notaboringwife posted 10/24/2020 08:23 AM

Thank you for this post. I sometimes focus on the words, the sentences my husband says to me to comfort me during triggers, or intrusive thoughts or just a general meh day. In themselves they are not very comforting.

For example: for an emotional trigger, he has said : "I'm sorry you feel this way." Ouch. He then adds " I don't know how else to help you but I am doing my best." etc.

Effort. I believe he is putting in effort. For him even saying I am sorry is a huge step. Context: In our 40 year marriage he mumbled I am sorry a handful of times.

He also cancelled a ski trip with his friend when I told him I was uncomfortable/triggering with him going overseas. For me, for us.

Actions and effort. Our bucket is filling up. I am comforted to know that others are seeing this from their partners.

Underserving posted 10/24/2020 14:24 PM

Heís honestly been doing stuff like this for me for almost 3 years now, and has really amped it up since d-day. Since d-day, itís obviously been hard to see anything he does or says in a positive light. Yesterday, I was able to recognize and appreciate his thoughtfulness.

Tomorrow I may revert back to wanting to punch him him in the throat. We shall see. Lol

Another positive though. I was able to score some free VIP tickets to one of his favorite comedianís show last night. It was a very impromptu thing, but we had a lot of fun together. I could let my guard down for a little bit and enjoy his company. This morning I slept in while he cleaned the entire house.

Itís been a wild week on the emotional rollercoaster. All part of the journey, I suppose.

Chaos posted 10/24/2020 15:07 PM

That's impressive and encouraging!

Tanner posted 10/24/2020 17:07 PM


Itís been a wild week on the emotional rollercoaster. All part of the journey, I suppose.

Yes. Buckle in this roller coaster is scary!

GTeamReboot posted 10/25/2020 23:20 PM

Great update!!

Itís nice that you scored those tickets. Although we donít necessarily ďowe themĒ anything in return for their R efforts, however much of a sacrifice they make, itís nice that you could ďmake up for itĒ in a way that you could both enjoy. That seems symbolic in a good way.

Roller coaster indeed. Sometimes the ups and downs make it hard to see that we have survived a pretty long while on this ride and are hanging in there. I do agree itís important to acknowledge efforts when we can, especially the ďbig onesĒ like this.

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