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Self-sabotage

Neanderthal posted 10/23/2020 11:00 AM

Self-sabotage is when we actively or passively take steps to prevent ourselves from reaching our goals. This behavior can affect nearly every aspect of life be it a relationship, a career goal, or a personal goal such as weight loss.
Yup, I am guilty of it.

How many others have done this as well?

Here's a couple of examples:

I don't deserve her or I'm not a good person, so I won't even allow "US" to be a possibility.

It happens at work too. I'll be getting praise for my involvement in a project from my supervisor. Instead of appreciating the kind words, I'll quickly remind my boss of an error I made.

I know my self-sabotaging stems from lack of self-worth and self-love. Instead of using my infidelity as a reason to get my shit together. I use it as an excuse to just lay down. Or better yet....Cut myself down.

I wonder how many decisions we make, or actions we take, consciously or subconsciously are made to destroy ourselves? Maybe we don't even realize we are doing it?

landclark posted 10/23/2020 20:46 PM

I read your thread before you deleted it. I didn’t see the issue?

hikingout posted 10/23/2020 20:50 PM

I am not sure if you want to explore this but the title made me click on it. I think we are all susceptible to self sabotage.

Neanderthal posted 10/23/2020 21:05 PM

Self-sabotage is when we actively or passively take steps to prevent ourselves from reaching our goals. This behaviour can affect nearly every aspect of life be it a relationship, a career goal, or a personal goal such as weight loss.
Here's the original message. If others want to explore it, feel free.

It was a mistake on my part for sharing my thoughts on the subject.

ibonnie posted 10/23/2020 22:07 PM

Are you sabotaging yourself right now by deleting your original post?

Rose2206 posted 10/24/2020 04:36 AM

Hey, self sabotage is a HUGE thing! I’ve noticed I certainly tend to do it! Shame is also a big “self sabotage supporter” just as you said in the post, feelings of no self worth, the “I don’t deserve this happiness so I’ll make sure it won’t happen mentality”..😑 May I ask why you felt the need to delete there original post? What are your thoughts?

Chaos posted 10/24/2020 15:31 PM

I don't think sharing the post was a mistake.

I do think deleting it was. That was actually an act of self sabotage right there.

What are you afraid of? This is a place of help, healing and learning. Be vulnerable - put the post back.

Chaos posted 10/24/2020 15:31 PM

I don't think sharing the post was a mistake.

I do think deleting it was. That was actually an act of self sabotage right there.

What are you afraid of? This is a place of help, healing and learning. Be vulnerable - put the post back.

Neanderthal posted 10/24/2020 17:05 PM

My vulnerability to SI is not the problem. Again I'm sorry for my mistake. You may not understand it, that's ok.

Pippin posted 10/28/2020 11:58 AM

Did you learn anything from this episode?

Neanderthal posted 10/28/2020 13:03 PM

I didn't put the original post back. I guess SI did. I understand deleting posts goes against guidelines. But I deleted it before anyone responded, so I thought it was ok. I guess not.

Did you learn anything from this episode?
Yes, but you of all people know I cant discuss it here. Why bring this back to life Pippin?

Lifeitself posted 10/29/2020 02:04 AM

Hi N. I can relate to this. Whenever someone makes a compliment to me or praises something I’ve done, I find it hard to take the compliment. My usual answer to a compliment would be something like ‘come on it wasn’t that good’, or I also quickly mention an error i’ve made.

Initially I wasn’t aware of this, I just thought it was my personality and that I was being modest. But lately , if not self sabotage I’m think I’ve had lack of self respect.

I started to try take the compliments and praises with a basic thank you. I felt like when I couldn’t take the compliment, it kind of pisses of the other person as they expect their compliment to be acknowledged. They expect just a thank you, otherwise I feel like they take it as I disagreed with them, and it just brings negative vibes when there is the feeling of disagreement. Does that make sense?

[This message edited by Lifeitself at 9:25 AM, October 31st (Saturday)]

Pippin posted 10/29/2020 09:50 AM

Why bring this back to life Pippin?

From what I see, this is a repetition of a destructive pattern that you have. It doesn't serve you well and it harms the people around you. Until you can see it, identify it while it's happening, and interrupt it, you will keep suffering in a terrible Groundhog Day way. I asking in the hope that you gained insight and were able to feel a bit more on top of it. I'm sorry if that didn't happened and my asking felt provocative - that was not at all intended. But no matter, the pattern will return zombie like, over and over, until you are able to master it. What I learned is that the patterns of thought and behavior I had MADE SENSE at the time I learned them. The beliefs I had and the behavior that flowed from that were what I needed to do to adapt and cope at the time. I then carried them forward into situations and relationships where they didn't make sense, but I didn't see that because it was all I knew and the conflicting evidence was easy to dismiss. Whatever happened to you to cause you to have these difficult emotions, patterns, and coping, I am sorry. It must have been awful and lonely.

If you edit specific parts that are most concerning to you I think the edit will be allowed. You might give them a heads up with an explanation.

You can ask for a lock which means that no one will be able to respond and it will eventually fade away.

Neanderthal posted 10/29/2020 10:47 AM

I am going to start over with this thread as best as I can.

When I wrote it initially, I was in a really low place(they still happen quite often). I recognized I was in terrible pain, and tried as many outlets as I knew to help cope.
IC, Friends, Family, Hobbies, Positive self talk, etc. I still felt awful. I couldn't get my head right.

Typing things out seems to help me. I know it helped a lot when I first came to SI. So I turned here to help myself again. The problem is, I risk the chance of effecting LD. The original questions I asked in this topic are very much real questions that I have. But after I posted them, I saw how it could be a negative towards her healing. So I deleted them.

It was then brought to my attention in a PM that all I was doing was trying to "covertly communicate with LD". I sat on that thought for a few days....The answer is no, I wasn't. I just wanted help, I wanted to view my thoughts, I wanted understanding.

How do I stop sabotaging myself, even when I am not aware of it? My life moving forward will continue the same pattern of destruction, unless I change.

My emotions and brain rarely align anymore. I'd venture to guess most people recovering from infidelity can relate to that.

Pippin,
I've read and reread everything you have ever written to me. I'm just not smart enough to understand you sometimes. Trust me, its not from lack of effort. Cause you seem to know what's wrong with me, way better than I even know. I want that clarity. It's just not happening.

Rose2206,
Yes, shame plays a major factor for me.

Lifeitself,
It makes perfect sense, but why do we do it? Why can't we believe what others say and see about us?

Pippin posted 10/29/2020 12:17 PM

Well. I hate doing this.

It was then brought to my attention in a PM that all I was doing was trying to "covertly communicate with LD". I sat on that thought for a few days....The answer is no, I wasn't. I just wanted help, I wanted to view my thoughts, I wanted understanding.

The problem with lying to an audience of (working everyday on being former) liars is that we see lies a mile away. It is bullshit that you posted that not aware that it was a message to her to keep you in mind and that you still have times when you want her back and that you are suffering. It is middle school bullshit. You can lie to yourself as long as you want but you won't get better until that stops.

If other people want to tell you it's not, I would be very pleased to be wrong. And feel free to pile on the insults to me and my husband and tell me that SI hates me. That is part of your pattern. Good luck with it, I'm out.

Neanderthal posted 10/29/2020 13:06 PM

I'm not even sure how to respond to that. I see LD weekly, message almost daily. My guess is, she is well aware of the pain I am in. I don't wear masks, its pretty obvious to see my emotions IRL.

that you still have times when you want her back and that you are suffering
This is also a true statement. How many people divorce and feel that same way? I'd imagine a lot of them do. But I wasn't trying to tell her that.

And feel free to pile on the insults to me and my husband and tell me that SI hates me
What are you talking about? How have I insulted you? or your husband? I don't hate you, and I've never said anything close to what you are saying.

***************
I'm sorry I discussed a PM narrative. That's also a guideline violation. I was just trying to provide context to my confusing posts.

If a moderator could let me know how to proceed, I would appreciate that. I don't want to delete anything (again) without there knowledge.

hikingout posted 10/29/2020 13:40 PM

N, I will just say I am sorry you are hurting. I am sorry that LD is hurting. I understand some of the conflicting stuff that happens on this site when both people are here. Some of it is tough to navigate. The first 18 months or so, I had no idea H was even reading. A lot of shit I said here was detrimental to his healing.

I have asked him not to read here, and I think he is respecting it. However, I know in the same token it would be impossible for me not to come on and read to gain an understanding of him.

I can understand what Pippin is saying to a certain degree, and it makes sense. But what you are saying is making sense to me as well. What happens in this forum is a fraction of what happens in real life with H and I. When people were trying to decipher his posts, I understand because in many ways we have invited these people into our lives. At the same time, it's hard to deal with because as I mentioned in one of my posts that we are two dimensional people in the forum. There is a whole history, a whole universe of things that people can not account for because of the anonymous nature of this forum. I was getting very impatient because in many ways, I don't care what my husband said in this forum. I care that he might have impacted people negatively, but as far as what it means between he and I and our relationship, it really has little meaning to me.

That being said, you guys have the divorce between you. Even though you have divorced neither of you have been able to move on and so ANY communication that happens here has a potential to effect the other. I think it's something that you two could navigate, but it's going to have to be with the understanding that it's unfiltered and also that there will never be a signal between you in here. I personally think the reason that it's hard for you guys to exist together in this forum is less to do with the members of the forum and more to do with your own personal communication with each other. Your own personal boundaries in real life or lack thereof.

Personally, I still think that the work you guys are doing is very important for you to do independently and would be impossible for you two to do as a couple because of the codependent dynamic. I think that carries over into this forum. So, this was a long winded way of saying - maybe, for the sake of yourselves and your daughter that you guys consider a few joint counseling sessions to better figure out how to break some of the codependent cycles and to create some boundaries that make this easier for you guys to do so.

I don't think you are a bad person, nor do I think LD is a bad person. But, until you two deal with this, and I think it has to be under professional care and with a lens towards breaking some of your patterns, then you are doing yourselves a disservice. Too many times this goes on too long and it will fester and create future problems for your co-parenting relationship.

I also think that it's hard for some of us (including myself) to root for you to get yourselves to a better place and even get back together. That may not be in the cards, but there is an awful lot of love here. Either you have to transform this into a love that is a beautiful friendship and co-parent relationship, or you have to transform it into a mature romantic relationship with good boundaries and tendencies of building each other up instead of all the confusing feelings you cause within each other.

That's my two cents, sorry if you didn't want it. I have grown to care about both of you and what you are doing is not just not working in this forum, because I think it would if what was happening in real life was working better for you. Fix real life and this forum will become a place for you to give back and feel good about if you choose to stay.

Neanderthal posted 10/29/2020 16:23 PM

Hikingout,

First off thank you for responding. I know you are going through a lot. I really appreciate your concern.

Pretty much everything you said makes sense. To stay on here would require me to be completely unfiltered. Honestly I don't think I can do that. That's a big reason I've stayed in the PMs. So I could bare my heart and soul without it impacting LD.

I'm trying to detach. I guess it's not working well enough. I wish things were working better in real life. It's not all bad. Our daughters teacher, said she's adjusting really well.

Like most of us here, we wouldn't have much need for this website if we had our life together. But I understand what you are saying. This just isn't working.

The joint IC sounds entertaining to say the least. It's certainly not the conventional path. But then again, neither is our relationship and divorce. I worry it would do the exact opposite and create another connection point between us.

I think I know what I should do in regards to SI. Just my presence here is unintentionally sabatoging both of us. A friend at work asked me what good is it to rehash the same pain over and over.

BraveSirRobin posted 10/29/2020 20:18 PM

A friend at work asked me what good is it to rehash the same pain over and over.
It usually means that the pain isn't fully hashed yet. SI may not be the place for you to keep hashing, but you still need support, compassion, and insight. If your therapy has been infidelity-based rather than trauma-based, that could be a good place to make a change. It's only in the last six months that my BH has started forgiving himself for not being able to pull himself out of trauma by his own bootstraps. Try something different, by all means, but don't beat yourself up for being unable to fix a problem with inadequate tools.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 12:36 AM, October 30th (Friday)]

hikingout posted 10/30/2020 08:06 AM

I do want to correct something that I realized was missing a very important word:

I also think that it's hard for some of us (including myself) to root for you to get yourselves to a better place and even get back together.

Should have read:

I also think that it's hard for some of us (including myself) NOT to root for you to get yourselves to a better place and even get back together.

There. That's better. I think the ambiguity of your relationship at least the way it presents on this forum makes us all want to scream - you don't want to be divorced! And, I don't know if it's because of the two dimensional nature of how you both present in this forum. But, yeah if I think that I think you are both keeping each other believing that. I would say, perhaps, maybe that's not a bad thing if you can work through your own individual independence and issues.

I know that's not helpful for you in the detachment expedition.

I will also say, I have been divorced. While sure there might have been a tad of ambiguity and some minor second guessing of my decision to do so, the detachment was natural. It was there because I was sure I did not want to be married to this other person. To get to that point takes a lot. And, maybe you are more sure about it than it seems. I will also say there was not a child involved in that relationship so it was easier to go NC while the rest of the grieving ran it's course.

I guess I am saying, I don't care if you detach or not, but if you guys are sure then definitely stop torturing yourselves and each other. At some point in the future one of you is going to meet someone, and the other is not going to be ready for that. These are all bumps that are going to make it harder to coparent. I have coparented as well, and it doesn't take much to throw a wrench into something that was going along working well. It's a long ways to 18 and while active parenting eventually stops, you are still in each other's lives forever. College, Weddings, Grandbabies, there will always be interaction there. The less hurt and bitterness that can be built up between you the easier that will be.

Take good care. And I am glad you received my message the way I intended it. I wish you both all the happiness in the world however it turns out. I really think some joint sessions should be a consideration, just wanted to reiterate that.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:08 AM, October 30th (Friday)]

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