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Is someone there?

Timeforhelp posted 10/20/2020 10:55 AM

I think my husband has just left me and I donít know what to do.

We were at our holiday home and doing some work in the ins and outs of his affair. I had asked him to explain how he got into the situation with his PA partner. To explain how he was thinking, why he felt he loved her and wanted her instead of our 7 year relationship. They had known one another for about 3 months.

He answered but in a very Ďshallowí way, when I called him out on this he went quiet for around 20 mins. I asked if he was going to talk to me and he said he didnít know what to say.

Then he said he didnít want to do this (talk) here and we should go home. I told him I didnít want to go home and he left.

I am alone and donít know what to do.

This0is0Fine posted 10/20/2020 11:04 AM

I'm sorry he shutdown and is stonewalling.

This is not unusual behavior. He should be able to communicate when he is feeling flooded and needs a break from talking, and arrange for a time to return to the issue at hand. It is exhausting, but I wouldn't jump to saying he's left you.

ShatteredSakura posted 10/20/2020 11:04 AM

(((Timeforhelp)))

You aren't alone.

We all know what you're going through right now. For me, in a few days it'll be one full year my xWW did this to me, but I knew upfront she left to go to the AP. Hopefully he hasn't.

He has his head screwed on backwards. He doesn't sound like he is reconciliation ready/worthy (at the moment).

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 11:07 AM, October 20th (Tuesday)]

Timeforhelp posted 10/20/2020 11:07 AM

Thank you both for your replies, I really needed to know some is out there listening.

I feel so lost

Notthevictem posted 10/20/2020 11:21 AM

Fuck. That's a shitty manipulation tactic to pull on you.

He didn't want to talk there, like talking about it somewhere else is gonna make a difference?


You might not see it, but from the outside we can. He wants to control the narrative. He wants to minimize what he did.

Maybe because he feels ashamed, maybe cause he doesn't want to hurt you more, maybe because he's reacting like a teenager who got caught sneaking out, or maybe because you aren't believing his lies any longer, so he needs time to prepare better ones.

As far as being alone and not knowing what to do? Hell, you're looking at that wrong. That's called FREEDOM. Do something he wouldn't care for but you like. He doesnt like spicy food and you do? Grab something spicy. He doesn't like romantic dramas? Watch some. He hates animals? Go to the zoo. He hates clothes shopping? You get the idea.

Now I'm not saying go blow 20k on cocaine, but I don't think you'd take it that way anyway.

He wants to retreat, so the fuck what? You do you and worry about him when he catches up.

Chaos posted 10/20/2020 11:23 AM

You called him out on his bullshit and he ran away. From you? From the truth? From himself? Who knows.

Good on you for calling out bullshit for what it is. Too damn bad if he didn't like it.

You don't have to sit idly by waiting for him to pull his head out of his ass.

Gently - you aren't alone. You have all of us in your corner. It may feel lonely though and I'm sorry. You don't have to know what to do just yet. You take all the time you need to figure it out.

fareast posted 10/20/2020 11:32 AM

Just want you to know you have been heard. He is stonewalling because he canít face his own shame and guilt. Tough. Consequences. Good luck.

RosesandThorns posted 10/20/2020 11:39 AM

You sound like you're panicking. Understandable. But gently...you have to let him go. If your mind is spinning, journal every thought and feeling. Talk to God, call a friend, talk to the wall, but do not reach out to him or try to engage him. You were smart to post here.

You survived just fine before you met him. You will survive just fine if he can't get his crap together and be the husband you deserve.

Others have summed his behavior up pretty well. His response to your questions says a lot about the person he is down deep at this point in time. You can't make someone remorseful and you can't make them own their $#+*.

4everdevastated posted 10/20/2020 11:39 AM

You arenít alone. Sorry youíre going through this. Iím fairly new here but I can tell you that it helped me out quite a bit to have that space and time to look at things more clearly. It may hurt but take your time where you are at now and donít go running back. Thatís what he wants. Time to think about you. 💜 hugs!

crazyblindsided posted 10/20/2020 11:44 AM

So sorry you are going through this and your WS is acting like an immature baby. Agree that this is stonewalling. If he isn't able to discuss this with you then that is a communication issue on his part and has nothing to do with you. What a coward he is. Sorry I am angry for you

ShatteredSakura posted 10/20/2020 11:46 AM

You might not see it, but from the outside we can. He wants to control the narrative. He wants to minimize what he did.

Maybe because he feels ashamed, maybe cause he doesn't want to hurt you more,

If anything like my xWW not wanting to hurt you are just words and the actions do not match.

I stayed a lot longer than I should considering the abuse. We talked and talked and talked and she still cheated. It wasn't a 3mo relationship either, but her xBF who she remained friends with for years. She couldn't bring herself to stop. She wanted both worlds. And she was very prone to anxiety and would run away from any harsh conversations about her actions.

The one thing I did not do was do the 180 on her and tell her to leave. I didn't want to lose her and I felt deep down that I would if I did that. In the end I still lost her and had a very traumatic time, so it wasn't worth it trying to hold on.

The only consequence some of these cheaters respond to it seems is boot them and not do the pick me dance.

Timeforhelp posted 10/20/2020 15:05 PM

Is it too much to ask your WH to fight for you and your marriage?

I am so tired

KonaGal posted 10/20/2020 17:22 PM

First off, good for you for saying you didnít want to head home and just letting him go on his own. You may be suffering inside, but I hope it conveys strength to him.

Second, this isnít a criticism of you, but I wonder what the understanding of the use of the vacation home was. Was it supposed to be a vacation? Just a change of scenery but business as usual? I ask because it really may not have been the best location to bring up really touchy topics out of no where. Is he ever able to have these tough conversations? Thereís a difference between not wanting to talk there and not wanting to talk at all. Iím not sure where you are in the process but the latter is a huge red flag. The former is a bit more neutral. He should still be an adult about it though.

Third, I married someone who stonewalls. It is so awful. It does feel like emotional abuse. It feels like being punished for wanting to talk. Emotionally Focused Therapy deals a lot with that pursuit-avoidance dance. We didnít make it that far in therapy to tell you if it actually works though.

Good luck with everything. Post here instead of checking in with him.

RocketRaccoon posted 10/21/2020 22:14 PM

Is it too much to ask your WH to fight for you and your marriage?

Firstly, why should you?

This is a baseline thinking that I think all BS should have:
"The WS is the one that should be the one fighting for the M/relationship."

As I have posted before, and will always post, if the WS values the BS, then the WS would expend the same (if not more) effort that they invested into their A, into their M/relationship.

The amount of effort the WS puts into the repair/recovery will indicate how much they value the M/relationship, ergo, little effort = little value.

If your WS is not investing effort into the recovery, then he values the M/relationship (and you) little also. This would be a cue for you as to which path you should be taking to get out of Infidelity.

The1stWife posted 10/22/2020 01:54 AM

Heís a coward. Plain & simple.

Heís being a coward when he runs away. Heís being a coward when he refuses to answer questions or discuss things with you.

I think your next conversation needs to be one where you tell him that to reconcile and move past this ó it needs to be discussed. He needs to be honest.

What has he done post affair to make amends? Has he read any books or gotten professional counseling?

20yrsagoBS posted 10/22/2020 06:55 AM

Yup!


Heís a coward!


Iím sorry he didnít have the guts to own understanding to his crap

Timeforhelp posted 10/26/2020 15:04 PM

Sorry for the lack of update, it has been an emotional time for me.

Following his leaving me at the holiday home, WH came back a short while later. Rather than the apology filled reunion I would have hoped for, he just let himself in, muttered sorry and then suggested he make a cup of tea!

Needless to say this made me furious.......The dog actually got more of an apology for being shooed out of the way.

His quiet demeanour and the fact he gave such a half assed apology meant communication broke down in a huge way. We shouted at one another for a long time until once again he decided he had had enough, this time instead of just leaving he took off his wedding ring and slammed it on the counter. As lots of people had said he was attempting to manipulate the situation, I called him out on it. But he said he was done, I broke down completely.

He didnít actually leave this time and did try and comfort me although I was pretty hysterical. Whilst doing that he read the post you all sent in response to my plea, after I had calmed down enough to talk he agreed that what you all had been saying about him was true!!

I told him that I couldnít cope with the manipulation anymore and that he needed to face up to whatever truth he was hiding that was making him so angry and scared.

I have told him on a number of occasions that it is supposed to me him and I against the issue, not against one another and I think he finally understood this. We managed to have a more rational conversation about the topic which started all of this off, and he finally admitted his intent to sleep with the latest affair partner as the driving force behind the EA beginning. All though I am now at peace with regards to the initial intent, the fact that emotions developed and the relationship therefore became something else is a worry for another day.

We talked about how I feel his time line and self reflection is a little shallow and that he needs to delve deeper into the hows and whys in order to understand his drives and hopefully help him change the behaviour pattern. I told him how I often feel like I donít get any Ďnewí information from him about thoughts and feelings as I have to pull answers out of him. I find it frustrating that he often has personal epiphanies (ie when he realised he was targeting the OW) and feels like he is moving forward in his recovery, when these are things I already new and get no closure from. Especially as his step forward always feels like it is from pushing me down..... He has promised to work more on himself and to push topics deeper as explained by daddydom (I think?)

He has arranged an IC for himself and is again happy to discuss any and all topics when I need to.

Anyway, just wanted to touch base and thank you guys for all of your help when I thought I was lost.

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