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It's been 8 months and still hurting

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Thumos posted 10/21/2020 10:37 AM

When I confronted her she told me she met had met a guy on tinder and they only met in the parking lot

That's a marriage ender right there by itself.

Bigger posted 10/21/2020 12:33 PM

One of the problems with forums like SI is that some posters seem more interested in being heard than being helpful. When ignored they chose to create pain rather than get a helpful message across with different, more efficient wordage.

I’m a bit concerned about the environment you are in.
You state a girl accused your son of a sexual incident and the reason your wife needs to do coaching is to keep that girl off the team.
Add to it the way the OM wife just shrugs and notches another line into her doorpost, how the OM seems to shrug off the threats because he is confident, he has this under control.
I sense you don’t have the truth… At what point in a relationship does the convenience and need of a hotel come up? There was more going on before than you have shared or you know.
The ongoing contact between OM and WW.
The fear you have of others knowing.

To me it just doesn’t sound like a healthy environment. Sounds like so much drama, so much anger and so much fear.

Wouldn’t it be great just to tick some of the items off the list?
Sort of clear the air, be accountable and demand accountability?

Has the sexual incident accusation been dealt with? Has it been resolved – either legally or in a way that clarifies what took place? Is it serious (as in a formal investigation on molestation or rape) or is it more of a he said/she said situation? WE HERE DON’T NEED TO KNOW. I’m just posting these questions for you.
I’m a former cop and realize that “sexual incidents” can stem from all sorts of events and can often be based on misunderstandings. He might be 100% innocent, or he might be guilty as sin. But what is clear is that neither he nor the girl can be ignored, and this issue needs resolve. Be it between you and son, your family and her family or son and girl.

I agree that the affair is probably known to others. You mention a small town. How far out was their hotel? Who works there? Maybe Laura in reception graduated four years ago. Chances are people know. And fact is it makes local gossip for a few weeks and then they forget it when the next politician is found with a hooker or the local priest with a choirboy. Will there be shame for your wife? Well… yes. But exposure tends to make reconciliation possible, while ongoing infidelity and contact with OM (even non-sexual) tends to destroy reconciliation. 2-3 years from now few if any will remember the affair.

In your shoes I would want to simplify the situation. Right now, it’s like you are overlooking a site after a hurricane with wreckage everywhere. I suggest you start focusing your attention to resolving some issues. Your son deserves special attention because if he is in ANY WAY culpable for a sexual incident that needs to be dealt with before a possible repeat.
But you can right away start clearing the wreckage by not covering up for OM.
By not sacrificing your wife and marriage in order to prevent the girl from cheer-leading.
By not hiding what your wife did from those that can help you in recovery.

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