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It's been 8 months and still hurting

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

M1965 posted 10/16/2020 17:52 PM

Avenger1972,

I am very sorry about what your wife chose to do, and that she gave you reason to look for a forum like this. Honestly, I am not trying to focus on the negative things, but this...

She has cut off all contact with AM

...is simply not true. She sees him at school every day, they are bound to have direct contact, and he is her boss. And you have to see him too, as does your son. All three of you are in contact with him.

How is that situation tenable, or something that should be allowed to continue?

Either your wife should leave that school, or that serial cheating principal should be reported, because as things stand both of them are carrying on like nothing happened.

And it is wrong of your wife to think it is fine for her to continue at that school, so you have to keep seeing her AP.

Seriously, that is a decision that you need to change, because her being near her affair partner every day, and you having to see that guy, is going to damage your attempts to recover from this. As countless stories here show, no good comes from cheaters remaining in proximity to their affair partners.

If your wife is suggesting she was in any way coerced into what happened via 'leverage', she should file a complaint against him. If she won't, that should tell you everything you need to know about her suggestion that she had to be pushed into doing this.

my wife says she will do anything to prove how sorry she is and how much she loves me.

If she really means that, talk to a lawyer and get her to file a complaint against that principal. Your wife needs to fix the mess she has created, which compromises you, her, and even your son.

And that principal must not be allowed to continue preying on women, because if what his wife says is true, he has probably done this for years, and damaged several marriages.

[This message edited by M1965 at 9:48 AM, October 17th (Saturday)]

oldtruck posted 10/16/2020 19:01 PM

being your WW is a high school employee and that the OM
used his position and power to be able to terminate her to
get her to accept his advances...........

this is a classic work place sexual harassment case. you
need to hire a lawyer that is a specialist/ well versed
in this area of the law.

have this lawyer file suit against the OM, the superintendent,
and the board of ed. demanding OM termination and financial
compensation.

low lives like this need to be removed
from positions of power. his predatory ways need to be
stopped before he ruins another marriage in your town.

Mene posted 10/18/2020 00:19 AM

This doesnít need to be exposed publicly. And it wonít. At least your son will be protected because heís a minor. If you make a complaint to the School Board they will deal with it. If they donít (they may have shut down other similar cases involved this asshole) then go higher. They could be protecting him. Which is wrong. Legally.

HE NEEDS TO RESIGN. YESTERDAY.

He should not be a principal of any school.

Blow up his world like he has yours.

He needs to be held to account so he doesnít ruin another family.

DO NOT SIT BACK AND DO NOTHING.

[This message edited by Mene at 12:20 AM, October 18th (Sunday)]

The1stWife posted 10/18/2020 04:58 AM

While I think it is deplorable behavior, the affair was between two consenting adults. While morally the affair is wrong, the wife in this case consented to it.

This principal did not prey on a student or a minor. She did not (from what I have read) get her position as the cheer coach by sleeping with him.

Is the principal a manipulative jerk? Absolutely!

IMO the minor son could be Negatively affected if this affair comes to light. Rumors fly. People talk. The principal could open a can of worms if he sues for wrongful termination and uses the affair as a basis of his lawsuit. Now the details are public knowledge.

I am not saying this principal is a good guy or should remain principal. But Iím not certain the child in this case would not be exposed to the details of the affair. And suffer b/c of it.

Think about the child here first.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:01 AM, October 18th (Sunday)]

oldtruck posted 10/18/2020 09:05 AM

This principal did not prey on a student or a minor. She did not (from what I have read) get her position as the cheer coach by sleeping with him.

she did not have to have sex to get the job.

the implication is that a woman feels coerced to have sex
with her boss who is also the person that can fire her or
retain her for the following seasons.

this BH needs to put this in the hands of a worker's rights
lawyer. this OM needs to face his consequences and to be
fired from him harming other and future employees.

Mene posted 10/18/2020 13:23 PM

A principal having an affair with a married woman who happens to be the mother of a student at the school and who is also employed there is wrong. Simple. The principal should be sacked. He is in a position of power and is using that to conduct affairs.

[This message edited by Mene at 1:25 PM, October 18th (Sunday)]

M1965 posted 10/18/2020 15:16 PM

Avenger1972,

In one of your posts you mentioned images in your mind.

Google: EMDR

It is a form of therapy that many people here have found to be helpful to distract their thought processes when they are hit by what are often called 'mind movies'.

Most organisations have rules about managers not becoming sexually involved with subordinates, regardless of how willing the subordinate was.

It has to be that way, because a manager could apply heaps of pressure and coercion on a subordinate and then afterwards say the subordinate was perfectly happy at the time, and no pressure was applied. Having a black and white rule that says bosses do not have sex with subordinates rules out any argument about consent or willingness.

In many cases where a person in authority has to be 'removed', they are offered the chance to 'retire', or voluntarily give notice to explore other opportunities.

I absolutely take on board the point about the two sons involved. It would be shattering for them to learn what their Mom was doing. Something that clearly did not feature on her radar, but every cheater thinks they will not get caught, so what is there to worry about?

In this case, I think Avenger1972 could contact a lawyer and discuss potential options. While it may or may not be possible to get the man fired or 'retired', depending on the school board's policy on sexual relationships with subordinates, it could be worth having a lawyer send a letter to the school board, and higher if possible, describing the affair, and requesting a formal acknowledgement by them that they have been made aware of the principal's activities, an asking what their policy is on such matters.

That makes life awkward for the school board, because they have to confirm that they know what the principal is doing, which could come back to bite them in the behind is something happens in future and they want to say they knew nothing, and it makes the principal a liability.

That could - hopefully - make the school board tell the principal that he is on probation, and must stop all further 'adventures', or they could put pressure on him to go, in the way that all organizations can do that.

All of that activity can go on quietly, behind the scenes, because it is not in the interest of the school for the town to know who they employed as a principal, and it is not in the principal's interest for word to get out, if he wants to be employed in education again.

According to what the principal's wife told Avenger1972, the man has done this before. Had someone taken action to lip his wings in the past, Avenger1972 might never have had any need to go looking for this forum.

Guys like that principal do not stop until they are stopped, and I think there are discrete ways that he can be torpedoed without it appearing in the local newspaper, or being talked about all round school and the town.

[This message edited by M1965 at 6:28 PM, October 18th (Sunday)]

WalkingHome posted 10/18/2020 15:44 PM

You haven't really done much about the adultery beyond words.


Words are not actions.


You need action. She must quit her job. The affair must be revealed to the school and he must be fired. He breached multiple ethical rules and there is a likelihood he has and will do it again.


Post Nump or D papers...pick on.


Polygraph her to find out what all she is lying about.


Timeline...did you get a written one? If not, get it.


FYI- He didn't "help" you with your son...he was banging your wife and helped himself stay close to her so they could have reasons to be together and hook up.


You are handling this with soft hands...soft hands don't solve it.


Your wife is a proven liar. Stop taking her word for anything. Put a VAR in her car.

ShutterHappy posted 10/18/2020 17:13 PM

Avenger1972,

All posters here are victims of infidelity. The advice you will get stems from thousands of stories and personal experiences.

We know what works and what doesnít work. I suggest you read all the advice you were given carefully.

ShutterHappy posted 10/18/2020 18:54 PM

So what typically happens with cases like your is that it starts with a Wife with low boundaries. The OM can spot those easily, give the Wife a bunch of compliments. She loves the attention and wants more. She often falls in love withe the OM.

New Betrayed Husbands (BH) like you often post a very similar story. When the A is discovered, the WW only admits a small part of the story. There is ALWAYS more.

This is why posters will say that you have to dig more. There are ways to get the truth, if you are willing to follow through.

When the affair progresses, the WW will feel that the marriage is bad, that she is disconnected. Thatís because the BH becomes the keeper of the home while the OM is the love of her life.

The WW will invent reasons for the A because she wants to justify it. In reality, none of it is your fault. Itís all on her and she has to own it.

When a WW is ďin loveĒ, after Discovery, she typically canít quit her love interest just like that.

If the WW and the OM keep on working at the same location, the A continues. That is why posters here tell you she must quit and the OM must be outed.

As far as we are concerned here, we consider your WW to still be in the A, and you are still in Infidelity; since your WW and the OM work together.

As long as you are in Infidelity, you will suffer. That is your choice. She chose to have an affair and you are choosing to let the affair continue.

The OM has had multiple A... At a minimum, both of you should get tested for STD.

If you want to get out of Infidelity, you will have to put your foot down and demand a whole lot more than what your WW is currently doing.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 6:56 PM, October 18th (Sunday)]

KingofNothing posted 10/19/2020 18:31 PM

Avenger. I am a victim of infidelity. Iím not embarrassed or ashamed of that fact, because I know my XWís affair was not my fault. She owns all of it. Iím not from a small town environment. Iím from the suburbs of a certain major national capital. So the guy next doorís marriage could be crumbling around him, and chances are, Iíd never know it. With that said, I donít withhold what happened to me. I donít bring it up, but I donít hide it. Why? Because it hardly ever comes up. People, outside a very small circle of friends, honestly donít care all that much. Chances are, everyone you think will be gossiping behind your back incessantly are really just going to make a tsking sound, shake their heads sadly, and shrug their shoulders inwardly. Even the people you rely on as your support system will eventually get a little weary of going to that well for you again an again. Trust me on that. So I learned really quickly I didnít care if my spouse who slept with (two confined, one unproven) men outside our marriage looked bad. It was her bad choices that led us there, her decision to hang out with a crowd of people I couldnít stand, and her decision that it was acceptable to enter into adultery with their enabling all of it and cheering her on.

Ultimately you have to realize what I realized years ago. Itís not something that just happened. The principal wasnít that much of a smooth talker. He didnít have a magic hypnotic penis. He is a normal schlub like you or me. Your wife chose this path, AND she executed the plan. She did it because she liked doing it. The sex was obviously fun enough to continue, and she loved the attention. This wasnít a ďstupid mistakeĒ. It was an ďon purposeĒ. She chose to inflict the worst pain a man can feel (emotionally). Moreover, get it through your head that once she chose to believe that sex outside her marriage was acceptable, she destroyed that marriage. You can attempt reconciliation but Iím here to tell you that stuff about marriages coming back from infidelity and bouncing back better than ever? Yeah, and Iím a Chinese jet pilot. It will never be the same again. You CAN make another relationship happen, but it will be one with severely diminished trust and respect from both parties. She is never going to be that woman you married again. Sheíll lose ďthe specialĒ that attracted you to her. Sorry, she will.
Many people live with this... and thatís neither bad nor good, itís just a coping strategy. It rarely is as happy as what you lost. It didnít have to be this way, but she didnít consult you.

You know what else I learned from infidelity? You can talk about what happened all day long. You can communicate how badly she hurt you. Your spouse will nod sadly, agreeing with you. Maybe throw in ďIím a terrible personĒ or ďI fucked upĒ. Apologize until she runs out of breath. All very impressive, but if that is all that happens, as sure as you are breathing air, she will do it again. Because, really, what stops affairs is direct, practical actions, like initiating divorce proceedings. Like telling people what happened. Like having the other man get fired for abusing his position. Actions, not words.

So, Mister++, you came here and posted on SI.com for a reason. What do want to actually do now?

annanew posted 10/19/2020 19:28 PM

Some notes about my post. I have not made her quit coaching, she offered but I wanted her to because of the legal issue. The issue was a girl that accused my son of a sexual incident was going to try out for cheer and the only way to keep her off the team was for my wife being the coach.

I really hope I'm misinterpreting something. So your wife is remaining the coach in order to punish a girl for what you think is a false accusation against your son? And of course, you are completely unbiased in determining it to be false, I'm sure.

This is not a reason to keep her in the cheer coach position. This is a reason for her to quit immediately. Good lord.

And now you have two compelling reasons for her to quit.

Please don't tell me that being a freaking cheer coach is worth your marriage. The only possible way you could be confused over this point is if you are from Texas. (I'm a former Texan so I say this will both fondness and incredulity.)

Have her quit IMMEDIATELY. Everyone here is right. If you don't do this, you are screwed. She will stomp all over you like a doormat, because you are inviting her to do so.

Belle25 posted 10/19/2020 19:35 PM

I really hope I'm misinterpreting something. So your wife is remaining the coach in order to punish a girl for what you think is a false accusation against your son? And of course, you are completely unbiased in determining it to be false, I'm sure.

I was wondering if I was the only one having a huge problem with this. So this girl accused your son of sexual misconduct, wasn't believed, and then was made to feel too uncomfortable to take part in an activity she wanted to enjoy?

WOW.

Between your son's, er, "legal problems", your wife's infidelity, and your complete acceptance of both, perhaps some family therapy might be of use.

RosesandThorns posted 10/20/2020 06:33 AM

Belle25, I stated the same concern on my post on page one. The OP is not only dealing with a cheating wife but also a false "friend" of the family and a mess with his son. It's enough to make anyone want to stick their head in the sand. But the priority probably ought to be with helping the child, whether it's facing consequences or clearing his name or counseling. And helping him understand that the adults handled it all wrong, if word gets out, which unfortunately it tends to. Either that or a child pieces together what's going on in his own home. I learned from being a high school teacher just how much teenagers figure out under their vale of casual aloofness.

DoinBettr posted 10/20/2020 10:09 AM

You live in a small town. Okay, so think about all the stuff you know about your neighbors that they don't want you to know.
Yeah, your neighbors know!
About your son.
About your wife.
About the principal.
Everyone is waiting for someone with integrity to do the right thing. Your wife and you are hiding this to guard yourself as much as this predator.
I wouldn't be surprised if he has done this with a student.
I am just shaking my head.
Oh, and principals can be fired in a second. They are like dixie cups. You pull one out and another is waiting to take their place. My friend is one and he is always watching his back due to this fact.
Don't be afraid of him doing anything to your kid. That will blow back onto him even harder.

pureheartkit posted 10/20/2020 23:19 PM

I'm sorry you got lies and trickle truth. Most of us did. I was hurting at 8 months, at 2 years and yes, the memories come up often. If your wife is willing to work hard with you then you can be happy again. The key is for it to work, she has to find out why she was willing to lie and hurt you. It's no good being with someone you worry about will hurt and lie to you again. This is on her now. She's got some serious growing to do.

I believe in forgiveness. Please do not be a wishful thinker. It's fine to ask for the things you need to heal yourself. No squirming around for her, she steps up now. Answers all questions. No lies ever again. And no more being around that man. This is her big chance. She should be happy you are still there. If you can regain trust, much of your hurt will begin to ease. You may yet experience some strong anger. Maybe you question yourself and that's natural. None of this was because of you. It was those two that made choices to lie and sneak.

Stay strong with her and don't let her get out of the growth she needs to do. It won't be easy but without it, you will never be at peace inside. That's no good to live like that. You deserve more than a superficial show of changed behaviour. Make sure it's the real thing.

RealityBlows posted 10/21/2020 02:21 AM

The Principal must be reported. He has totally violated the tenets of his position on so many levels. I too work in local government in a position of authority and trust and, this would be considered a serious offense. A school Principal isnít just a supervisor over teachers, they must adhere to a strict code of conduct, ethics and moral agency in order to successfully lead, teach, roll model and counsel children. They arenít just in a powerful position over their staff subordinates, but also vulnerable children. They are held to a much higher standard for obvious reasons. Banging the married Cheer Coach and Mother of one of his students in a hotel room is absolute conduct unbecoming and extremely poor-even dangerous, judgment. This issue right here is probably more pressing -at the moment, than the damage he and your WS has done to your marriage.

The damage is done and itís not your job to contain it. The school district will deal with this discreetly.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 2:26 AM, October 21st (Wednesday)]

Sharkman posted 10/21/2020 02:54 AM

The affair is absolutely still going on if they are working together. Period, full stop. You may be the exception, but you probably arenít. Worse, every single person here whose spouse continues to work with their lovers were just as convinced as you are that there was nothing going on.

Folks here are weirdly obsessed with reporting him. Hell, you probably should. But make no mistakes - your wife was the aggressor in this relationship. Sheís not some idiot who can be swindled or manipulated this easily. She knew exactly what was going on the instant that they snap chatted.

WhatsRight posted 10/21/2020 03:22 AM

Avenger1972...

Iím sorry for the situation in which you find yourself. You have come to a good place. People here will do their best to provide comfort and direction.

But this...

So you took all this time and trouble to post here and ask us what you should do only, in the end, to tell us you trust your WW not to fuck you over again and that you will do nothing.

Thanks. That's a couple hours of my life I won't get back. Good luck.

^^^^^ This ^^^^^

...is not an example of the kind of help you will mostly receive.

You can ask all you want for our help, and most of us will do our best to help however we can. And many folks have some very helpful things to share. But you never HAVE TO take our suggestions.

And you MOST CERTAINLY should not be shamed for taking up our time.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 3:25 AM, October 21st (Wednesday)]

WhatsRight posted 10/21/2020 09:46 AM

Avenger...

How are you today?

Please keep posting.

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