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It's been 8 months and still hurting

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Avenger1972 posted 10/16/2020 12:07 PM

Ok here is my story. My WF and I have been married happily for 21 years and have boys of 17 and 20. Last February I started to notice a difference in her. She was on her phone, lost weight, attention to our family was not normal. So I started to track her location. One day at work I noticed her location in a hotel room. I quickly left and tried to get there but she left before I got there. When I confronted her she told me she met had met a guy on tinder and they only met in the parking lot. She felt we weren't connected anymore and found attention from AM. As I peeled back the layers of her story, and knowing my wife, I knew she didn't just meet some random guy in a hotel. A week went by and she admitted the guy was our son's high school principal. My wife is also the cheer coach at our HS. She said he started snapchatting her about 3 weeks prior and that was the only time they met. She also said they started intercourse but she made him stop. So I believed that for about 2 or 3 weeks then I downloaded her snapchat history and found they had met prior to that in another hotel. She finally admitted they had intercourse. She was remorseful and ashamed and didn't want to tell me details. I of course wanted all the details because her version was a very PG version. I know people shouldn't know all the details but my mind was racing and that's the way I'm wired. I found out the rest of the details about a month later and of course was worse than what she originally stated. She has cut off all contact with AM and wants to R our marriage. I am up and down. I do love her and don't want to break up my family. The problem is my mind races and I can't get images out of my head. She stated that the relationship was mostly on-line chat and when it became physical she became very uncomfortable. I don't always believe what she tells me because of the trickle truth I got for the weeks following D-day. She also stuck to her version that the 2nd time they met (D-day) she ended it with him in the hotel after she stopped him. There are some things about this that makes it complicated. This guy is the principal of our school, so I have to see him at all the school sport functions, as my son plays football and my wife is the cheer coach. Prior to the affair my eldest son went through a legal issue and the AM (principal) was very good to our family and backed my son. According to my wife he used this to gain her trust and leveraged some things for them to meet up. So I can't really talk about this to anyone because of fear my son finding out and it would be embarrasing to him. I confronted him once I found out and he took the blame saying it was all him and he was very sorry. At this point our marriage is very good we have reconnected and spend alot of time together. Sex is great and my wife says she will do anything to prove how sorry she is and how much she loves me. I am on a rollercoaster of emotions, sometimes I love her and others I hate her for how she made me feel. We went to MC for a short while but that really didn't help. Someone tell me I will get over this. I do love my wife and want to forgive her but I don't know if I can.

cf2018 posted 10/16/2020 12:17 PM

This statement doesn't really indicate her taking ownership. He didn't make her do anything.

According to my wife he used this to gain her trust and leveraged some things for them to meet up.

Sofarsogood posted 10/16/2020 12:21 PM

Has she resigned from her coaching position? No contact is really important. Also, many recommend individual counseling before marriage counseling. She needs to explore her reasons for the choices she made (after all, you weren't the one who chose to be unfaithful). Also, you should both be checked for STDs. Read the healing library located on this site. Others will be posting with good sound advice. Hoping the best for you!

src9043 posted 10/16/2020 12:29 PM

First of all, I would bust the principal. Contact his superiors and demand his termination. This has to be done. I find the behavior extremely unethical and he must pay the price. Why should you have to carry the burden of what he did and suffer in silence every time you see him. Your wife should immediately resign her cheerleading coaching duties and cut all ties to the school until the principal is gone. As far as R, that is up to you. I am a BS and divorced my ex-wife many years ago. After her first affair, I felt dead inside. We struggled along for six more years until she cheated again and I ended it. You will never feel the same about your wife again, nor should you. What she did was reprehensible. Do not offer R so quickly. There is a lot of work your WW has to do. I now have a zero-tolerance policy, but I am not in your shoes. After reading all these accounts on SI, I have become less sympathetic to WS and R. The betrayed spouse gets to carry the hurt forever. What a nice present the WS has left someone he or she was supposed to deeply care about. Good luck to you, I hope you eventually find peace somewhere down the line.

Westway posted 10/16/2020 12:40 PM

At this point our marriage is very good we have reconnected and spend alot of time together. Sex is great and my wife says she will do anything to prove how sorry she is and how much she loves me. I am on a rollercoaster of emotions, sometimes I love her and others I hate her for how she made me feel. We went to MC for a short while but that really didn't help. Someone tell me I will get over this. I do love my wife and want to forgive her but I don't know if I can.

Did she experience any repercussions at all? Has she resigned her coaching position? Please say you demanded she at least do that.

Did you require her to tell her family and yours what she did? Please tell me she did.

If she gets to experience no consequences from her crime against you, your marriage and family, what is to keep her from doing this again? If you let her off scott free, and you let her have her old marriage back without having to do any work, while you swallow the shit sandwich she served up to you, how does that make her a safe partner?

And don't think you need to forgive what she has done... ever. If, down the road, she proves her love and earns your trust back, you could forgive her for your own well-being. Don't cave and think you owe her forgiveness. All you have gotten from her to this point is bullshit excuses and blame-shifting.

According to my wife he used this to gain her trust and leveraged some things for them to meet up.

Oh yes... "he took advantage of me. I had no control over what he was making me do..." So not only does she blame her actions on "not feeling connected" with you, she's throwing her lover under the bus and blaming him for taking advantage of her. See a pattern here?

She is far, far from reconciliation material friend. She has yet to pull her head out of her ass and do the hard work to figure out why it was so easy for her to give herself permission to drop an atom bomb on your life. She is not taking any responsibility for what she did, and THAT is why you are feeling so messed up right now.

And by the way, your son WILL find out eventually, and it will be from a friend or some other asshole from school. How will he feel when he finds out you kept him in the dark about what his mom did?

Tigersrule77 posted 10/16/2020 12:55 PM

Either your WW or the principal need to change jobs. I would suggest your WW. If I were in your shoes, I'd probably tell the AP that if he didn't find another job very soon, you'll report it to the school board and see what they think of a principal acting that way with a fellow employee and married mother of a student.

And the reason you don't trust your WW is she is lying to you. She is only "admitting" to what YOU can prove. She is hiding the truth to cover her ass and minimize. Almost every single WS does.

SlapNutsABingo posted 10/16/2020 12:55 PM

This one is interesting,

Prior to the affair my eldest son went through a legal issue and the AM (principal) was very good to our family and backed my son.

How do you know what made him "very good to your family" wasn't do to actions by your WW?

You don't, because you know the "Iceberg Truth" right now. What you do know is that she hated you enough to throw you away repeatedly. To lie to you every day with no intentions of this stopping. It takes a great deal of planning, effort and desire to have an affair and to keep going back to it time and time again.

[This message edited by SlapNutsABingo at 1:00 PM, October 16th (Friday)]

Robert22205https posted 10/16/2020 13:21 PM

Is the OM married?

If so, expose him to his wife. The wife has a right to know that her husband is a cheater (and this is probably not his first time).

The OM is a predator that abused his position of trust in the community. He must be exposed to prevent him from destroying another family.

Finally, do not notify your wife that you are exposing the OM. Why? because she will warn him and he will then discredit you in advance as a jealous/crazy husband.

Kaliber posted 10/16/2020 13:44 PM

Hello Avenger1972, sorry you're here!

I will ask you one question and be honest with yourself when your answer!

Is cheating a deal-breaker for you? (Yes or No)

Because there is no point to offer you a specific advice to help you when we don't know where your values about infidelity are!

It's a simple question with yes or no if you can answer it please.

Robert22205https posted 10/16/2020 13:48 PM

You won't get over the destruction of your marriage and this betrayal (a major trauma) automatically with just the passage of time.

It's your wife's job to rebuild your trust and make you feel safe in your marriage.

Experience shows that tears and drama alone at what they did (without hard work, sacrifice and consequences/exposure) is no guarantee that they won't repeat.

Why? because among other things, cheaters all share certain powerful characteristics that enable the affair: a huge sense of entitlement, selfishness, the ability to be deceitful, and a lack of empathy for their spouse.

Generally, the more information you provide the better advice you will receive.

For example:

- what exactly has your wife done to earn a second chance and to make herself a safe partner.

For example: IC & identify the hole/thinking in her core values that enabled her to cheat, self help books, transparency, resigned from coaching since that was the activity that brought them together.

- did she provide a timeline? Including who initiated, the start & end date, what they chatted about (e.g, did she complain about you or her marriage) and what she was thinking before and after each sexual contact.

Note: the timeline is as much for her benefit (fully recognizing what she did) as yours. It transforms the affair in her head from harmless star crossed lovers to a destructive act of betrayal that changed your life forever.

- did she take a polygraph test? She needs to understand that a confession may make it difficult to R - but any further withholding of information will definitely result in D.

Finally, do not recognize her tears and self contempt as a consequence that is equal to the pain and suffering she inflicted on you.

Your pain is 1,000 times greater. Plus her tears and self contempt is evidence that she's focused on herself vs you (her victim).

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 1:51 PM, October 16th (Friday)]

src9043 posted 10/16/2020 13:54 PM

One more point. As a condition of R, you must insist that your wife take a polygraph test to verify she has gone NC and for possible prior affairs/one night stands. As it turned out, you really don't know your WW. Also, you must notify the school board about the principal's behavior. He is probably married so you must notify his wife. You cannot and should not carry the burden of this affair only on your shoulders. They simply say I am sorry and go on with their lives while you get to eat the shit sandwich for the rest of your life. That is simply bullshit and you shouldn't stand for it. Actions have consequences. You're the victim, but it's time you take control.

[This message edited by src9043 at 1:56 PM, October 16th (Friday)]

HalfTime2017 posted 10/16/2020 13:56 PM

I think you have this wrong. The other Man/Principal is not a friend of your families. He probably helped your son so that he can get close to your wife. He is not a good man.

If you want to start healing you will need to have your wife stop working at the school, or have him removed. I'd report this to the HR department and the school board. He is her boss, and they generally don't want hanky panky b/c of the potential for litigation. You should report it. I'm sure you'll find that his is not his first rodeo. In addition, does he have a wife? If so, go and get after his wife as well and make her aware.

Lastly, you need to sit your wife down and stop rugsweeping this. Tell her you're only able to move forward if she comes completely clean on everything, and that she backs you when you report the principal to the district. If she balks, you may have your answer as to her devotion and love for you, or her devotion to her job and protecting the other man.

beenthereinco posted 10/16/2020 14:04 PM

It is very convenient for your WW that she was ending it the day you discovered the Affair isn't it? Please do not believe this is true. If she were ending it she could have done that in many different ways beyond going to a hotel and risking being seen by someone or caught by you. I cannot stress enough that SHE WAS NOT ENDING THIS. YOU CAUGHT HER OR IT WOULD STILL BE GOING ON!

I can with almost 100% certainty say this is true. Why? Look around this site for a bit and you'll see. Cheaters lie and minimize when caught, every one of them, every time. It is predictable. She says they had sex once in a hotel and the second time she stopped him and ended it. My guess is they had sex many more times than that in many more places and it was not ending. She is lying to you. She's good at it. She has had a lot of practice. You said you noticed the behavior changes in February? The Affair started before that because it took you awhile to notice and you only noticed when it ramped up to the level of your awareness.

As others have said here has she resigned from the coaching position or does she still go to the school in the afternoons and see this man without anyone else around? If so then the Affair is most likely still going on. You say he leveraged your son to get her into bed? He's using the boy again to buy your silence. Shame on him. Why let him get away with it? Your WW should quit immediately, you should notify his wife immediately and you should call the school district superintendent and request a meeting with them and HR. Get this predator out of that school!

And as others have said do not tell your WW you are doing this. If she comes home angry with you then you will know she is still in contact with the POSOM. Good luck. This is being rugswept and you are going to never get over it if you keep going in this way.

[This message edited by beenthereinco at 2:06 PM, October 16th (Friday)]

Lalagirl posted 10/16/2020 14:21 PM

I echo everyone's advice.

This principal needs to go - I'm sure your WW is not his first rodeo and if you don't out him, she won't be his last. This does not take accountability away from your WW by any means, she's a grown-ass woman with shit for boundaries.

Avenger1972 posted 10/16/2020 14:47 PM

Some notes about my post. I have not made her quit coaching, she offered but I wanted her to because of the legal issue. The issue was a girl that accused my son of a sexual incident was going to try out for cheer and the only way to keep her off the team was for my wife being the coach. I have informed the OM's wife about the incident. She was not shocked but didn't really do anything about it. Says it wasn't the first time. Also BELIEVE me I want to go to the school and get this guy fired but I am afraid of this becoming public. I have threatened him many times but we live in a small town small school community and I just don't want everyone knowing our business. My wife seems remorseful....I have access to her phone and any social media accounts so I do believe she has not contacted him. I do not know how to get the total truth out of her if there is more other than leaving. Also to note she did give me timelines of when they starting talking late Jan and d-day was Feb-26. She did tell me kinda what the chatted about in general but there were thousands of messages over the month. I could see when they chatted but not the content from her snapchat history.

[This message edited by Avenger1972 at 2:54 PM, October 16th (Friday)]

Sunspot posted 10/16/2020 15:53 PM

Prior to the affair my eldest son went through a legal issue and the AM (principal) was very good to our family and backed my son. According to my wife he used this to gain her trust and leveraged some things for them to meet up.

You need to go to the school board with this. There is no telling how many mothers he runs this little game on.

Westway posted 10/16/2020 16:54 PM

So you took all this time and trouble to post here and ask us what you should do only, in the end, to tell us you trust your WW not to fuck you over again and that you will do nothing.

Thanks. That's a couple hours of my life I won't get back. Good luck.

standinghere posted 10/16/2020 17:30 PM

You live in a small town, this is not a secret, that horse is already out of the barn.

If you really want to find out whatís been going on, you expose.

I donít know what I would do in the same situation, but you could do something like the following if you really want to make your retirement out of it.

You send a nice letter with a lawyers letterhead on it, to the school board, explaining very nicely that this principle has been having an affair with a students mother, you donít have to say anything further than that, and explain that you will be filing a lawsuit, and making the entire thing public. You can let them know, that you havenít disclosed the name, because you will do that after the private investigator has finished their work.

Also explain that you will be looking for any documentation, prior indiscretions, etc., etc., etc., and that the school board should make sure that all records are preserve.

Send a copy to the newspaper.

That is, if there is anything such as a local newspaper, or online newspaper.

They will probably tar and feather him and ride him out of town on a rail.

GoldenR posted 10/16/2020 17:37 PM

Sounds like you're ok with her and him still being in the A? Bc if you're ok with them working together, you're pretty much giving them permission to keep having sex. It's just further underground.

Your wife not taking ownership tells me she's still seeing him and not remorseful.

RosesandThorns posted 10/16/2020 17:39 PM

A few things don't add up, here. She was losing weight (a process), yet she only met AP twice for sex? It sounds like she lost weight, grooming herself to step out into an affair...not that it was a brief thing that she was coerced into.

Also, if your son were to find out that his mom prostituted herself to keep a sexual accusation regarding him from becoming public, what is that teaching him? Isn't that hypocritical? If he is innocent of accusations, then he doesn't deserve to be blackmailed. If he's done something wrong, he should own up to it. Instead, he's being taught by adults to cover up sexual accusations/misconduct, even if it means further sexual misconduct.

Avenge1972, I'm not trying to attack you. People on here will ask you tough questions in order to help you heal. It doesn't seem that you're facing the reality of this situation. You can't heal if you don't face the truth. You will simply limp along in denial while infidelity continues to destroy your home like a cancer. Infidelity is often a sign of deeper issues that the wayward needs to deal with.

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