long post ahead, basically just typed up what is in my head and would appreciate some input. I am trying to put things in perspective without falling back into shame. Trying to come up with a way to cope and a plan how to go forward.
I feel so confused. After dday 3 ½ months ago BS moved out. Left all his things here and he was on the ground depressed to the point of suicide attempt.Which, I am ashamed to say: triggered me (ex husband tried to kill himself in front of me) Then, I fell into a shame loop for a few weeks as you all may remember.
BS has lived with his mom since dday and has not worked. (Just passed his boards shortly before dday) so, he basically went into such depression that he was sleeping on the ground on a blanket and stared at a wall. He went through different stages of anger, hate, sadness and so on. Met with AP with a list of questions, recorded the conversation, played it to his mom and then to me. (1hr recording of details of the A). Came to me, and flipped furniture, threw things.. You can imagine..
From the beginning, BS has told me that he has not completely given up. That there is a small 1% chance for R. I told him that I understand if he never wants to see me again, his reply had always been - "don’t let me go, don’t stop fighting".
So, since then, I have been going to IC 1-2 per week. Been on here every day. Do daily things BS told me to (kind of like a daily homework list). Been educating myself on communication etc. Digging deep in IC on why’s and how’s. In general basically changing the core of who I am.
There's progress, and I can certainly say that my outlook is very different. Changed the lens that I am looking through. There is some fails. There is moments when the old habits knock on my door. Usually I notice them and correct the thought right before or sometimes right after and and then correct myself.
BS has gone to counseling too for the most part 1 per week I think.
I’ve been struggling with his request of NC in the past. And I am not going to lie, I still do.
Saturday night him and I txt and he had told me that he is going to date in this time and prob will have sex with others… it hit me like a brick and I txt him that I want him to do what he must to heal. That it will hurt me but that I do get it.. He came here to bring me something and we hugged and he held me tight and long for the first time in I don’t even remember how long. He said he felt hope and that he is afraid of that.. We said our good byes and went NC again. I struggled with the txt about him going to go on dates.. The following nights I did my “To do list” and journaled.. I envisioned him on dates. Having sex.. (he is an amazing sexual partner). The things he would do with other women.. It threw me right into a shame hole..
Well, Tuesday night, I went to a workout and afterwards, I broke down. 10 minutes I staired at my phone and in a moment of being totally overwhelmed I dialed his number. Nobody answered. I panicked. (this was a fail). So, I got in my car and drove to his moms house to just knock on the door and tell him why I had a fail, how my mind was absolutely going crazy about that txt from saturday. Point blank, I wanted to be honest and apply the things I learned about communication. - He was not there.. It was around 9pm. His mom opened the door and I spoke to her. That he was not there triggered all my insecurities that I have from my past. While I’ve been digging deep, my previous life experience will take a long time of IC to work through and I know this and so I am just not at that point were I can say I am not insecure… given that his mom is like a mom to me, or at least was, I broke down and told her. (I felt like a victim without wanting to be. I was hurting. And that was it. Selfishly hurting). She encouraged me to just txt him about the fail, and so I did. I also asked him if we could meet, given that my confusion did not just go away.. He, to my surprise agreed.
We met and talked. We had some very hard but good moments and he was actually vulnerable with me for the first time again. I applied automatically out of instinct my newly adapted coping skills and also tried to apply empathetic communication. It went well. We cried together and even had a wonderful and meaningful conversation totally unrelated to the situation, but about one of his hobbies, passions that I had educated myself about as part of my work towards being a better person and partner.
Then, I confined in him my fears of the last couple of days about that txt, him dating other women while asking me to fight for our future.. To fight to be a better person than I was. Upon me opening up about that, he told me that he did already go on dates. I asked how many and he said 6. Some of them he kissed. I asked if he slept with any of them, he then said yes. He told me that he had sex with a woman shortly after dday (so 3 months ago). Then, he said he had a 3 way, upon me asking when that was, his answer was: yesterday. (my world inside shattered and I felt all hope I’ve been holding on to evaporate, tried to keep it cool on the outside but I was visibly trembling.) BS then told me that he had just lied. That he did not have a 3 way. That it was just one woman yesterday. He said he lied bc it was always a fantasy he had.. Upon me asking further questions, he kind of laughed and told me that I have no reason to be upset. He is single and he wanted to feel alive. He met these women to bump his self esteem, to feel something. I held BS and told him that it’s okay. That it hurts me very much but that I do understand.
So here is my dilemma, I am in no way meaning to diminish what I have done. I hate everything about it and am disgusted and ashamed by it.
That being said, I am really fighting hard not to fall into the “shame hole” again as it prevents any progress.
I feel very confused now. My hope for a new start between BS and I is there. I love him. And I am determined to keep my work up.
However, my feelings are shattered due to knowing what he has been doing these last 3 months while I had no idea. He says he’s been single ever since dday, and yet, I would not have said we were since all his things are still here and he’s been telling me to continue fighting etc..
For a man to have sex he had to have errections.. So, how can I see that he is feeling so badly while going out fucking other women.. It’s not like he can be super passive about that, so how?
Idk, I think the way I am feeling has lots to do with my past. It triggers my low self worth feeling etc. I feel like I lost trust towards my BS now and then at the same time tell myself that I have no reason to feel betrayed.
I am the WS. We were/are not R.I always considered it an in between stage of not knowing. He did what he felt like he needed. He does not feel guilty about it but does say he is sorry that I am feeling hurt.
So, people, I am posting this bc I am at a total loss with my feelings right now. Is it wrong that I am hurt? Is what cheater thinking or entitlement/ selfishness? That is what BS told me. That I am selfish in my thinking. And all I feel is pain. Idk.
Over all the conversations we had were good and we both agreed it was a positive and big step for us/ him to be vulnerable with each other. We ended the contact by agreeing on NC for 2 weeks and then meeting again. Which I am grateful for! I did do what IC told me, to set boundaries for my own mental health. So I told BS that while I understand the - seeing other people and getting self worth from that, that he can continue to do that if he feels that is what he needs. But that I can not see him then. It is his decision. But if we are both serious about R/ new start and putting in the work, then I felt it was okay for me to ask him to not date others in these next two weeks. (well I was not sure if it was ok of me to say/ ask that, but i did). He said ok. He said he is not doing it for me or because I asked.
So here I am. Sitting on my mattress and typing this up, scheduled a IC appointment for this afternoon too. I do NOT want to be in a victim mentality and truly mean when I say, I get why he felt the need to date etc, but now, I feel that pain. On top of the shame from my affair I now feel betrayed in a way bc I assumed that he would not have sex with others during the time of “not knowing what will happen to us”. That was my fault I guess. Thinking how I laid here typing in my journal, reading about infidelity, looking up BS perspective and trauma… while that same night he fucked another woman..it makes me sick to my stomach.
Parts of me say: A: I have no right to be hurt or feel betrayed and I should explore further why I do.
B: BS tells me that I continue to have a selfish way of thinking and I am wondering what that even means now while really just trying to hold myself together
C: I deserve to feel this. I am not a victim but I am the one that had an affair.
D: Is there such thing as right and wrong in this case? Idk
E: I now see pictures in my head, how he did it to these women. Over and over again.
F: I want to let this go, as BS is right in that he can do what he wants. I do not want to focus on this. He did what he felt he needed. And I do understand it and want to continue the work and fight for hopefully a new star for us.
G: I struggle with the feeling that I can't be honest to BS bc when I am it sounds selfish. While that is not the intention at all. Just explaining my side of things to have propper communication. Asking about his thoughts and views, but then I can't say mine..
So, these are the things that are going on in my head. I am beating myself up over and over again. That I am hurt, why the f am I hurt?! I am the WS!
It feels so torn, parts of me are humble and I want to do whatever BS needs. But now I am also feeling hurt, and triggered to shame, so idk..
And thoughts are appreciated