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Newly honest

RandomName posted 9/2/2020 16:27 PM

Not sure where or how to start.

I've been reading this repeatedly

https://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250

As well as "The state of affairs" by Esther Perel, and "How to help your spouse heal from an affair" by Linda MacDonald.

August 30th 2020 I confessed to my wife. Not sure exactly about "what now" now that I'm here, was referred to here by a reddit person.

I'm seeking repair, reconciliation, recovery, honesty, and ownership for what I've done. I want to reconcile and I'm willing to do whatever it takes, if she'll allow me to.

JBWD posted 9/2/2020 18:21 PM

Welcome. Bad decision to cheat, good FIRST STEP to confess, many more first steps, this will be a long, slogging process that is going to take years off both y’all’s lives, likely.

Same advice as always-
Feel free to give us your story so we can determine where you are in the process.
Re-read MacDonald and use her traits of successful rebuilders as a litmus of where you are. CAUTION that you MUST read it CAREFULLY, breezing through it is easy if you’re the kind of person who can “do no wrong”- You know, the kind of person who can minimize the impacts of an affair in their own mind.

IC for you. IC for her. Does she want R? Does she want you to just leave her alone?

Biggest question you need to get to is why do you want R? This early stage you’re thinking, likely, about not losing her. You need to get comfortable with the possibility that her best future is without the man who betrayed her. Give yourself time to absorb that. And try to keep that perspective when you start to imagine that you’ll make this all better for her. This healing process will be an individual effort for both of you in parallel, and then the M can be addressed.

Keep coming back, we’re here to help. Use the stop sign for a bit. Open ears, open mind. We may be blunt, but it may be necessary. Let’s get better together.

RandomName posted 9/2/2020 18:29 PM

thank you for your response, I'm about to go in to a physical exercise class.
I wanted to let you know I've read your advice, and will be letting your words and questions sink in.
I don't know see an option when editing to add a stop sign. I don't see that option.
Thank you I'll follow up once I'm able and have processed.

bewuzzled posted 9/2/2020 18:54 PM

This is a long hard road, and it's grueling. I'm here, ten years after my affair. The best thing you can do is read and post here, to get headed in the right direction, even if you don't get the gift of R.

MrCleanSlate posted 9/2/2020 19:49 PM

2 days post b-day and you are going to a gym class? Hope your BS is with you. Seriously. Right now you need to drop everything else and be home immediately after work.

You've done some reading which is a good start. Now you are going to need to deal with the storm as stuff happens.

Be honest. Don't hold stuff back. Just don't. It will hurt your BS more later when it does come out. It was the hardest thing I did after living a lie for more than a year - just throw myself to the will of my BW and be honest.

Give her your phone and laptop and give her your passwords then leave the room.

Go no contact with your AP. If your AP tries to contact you share that with your BS and decide together how to respond.

Take a few deep breaths and realize that it will be rough for a while. We've all been there.

Keep sharing with us. There is a lot of experience here that can help you if you ask.

RandomName posted 9/2/2020 21:24 PM

I took the last couple days off work, she had some of those days off too, and she was working tonight. I only went to the class to get an hour of relief from everything, and it seemed the healthiest thing for me vs my unhealthy coping behaviors. I'm home now she's still working

MrCleanSlate posted 9/2/2020 22:32 PM

You can imagine that your BW could be stressed with you being out so soon after d-day.

One of the most important things you can do is try to remove potential triggers right now.

I took all phone calls in the kitchen. I only checked text messages when my BW was in the room. I needed to have her see I was being open.

I also dropped out of hockey or going out with the boys. (I've since started to play again).

So how are things going for you and your BW so far? Are you spending time talking?

RandomName posted 9/2/2020 23:26 PM

Ok, thank you. I didn't consider how that would make her feel.
I need near daily physical burnout to keep my mental health in check. I have another IC session tomorrow and SAA in the morning , I'll see if they can share recommendations.

I told her tonight again that my phone and laptop are available to her at any time, and I told her when she got home about SI and what I was doing on here. She said "ok thank you." When we've both been at home we've mainly been in separate rooms and areas.

We are talking just a little bit. She isn't saying much, but she did say she needs time when I asked her tonight.
She asked me yesterday about some details with the massages. I'm trying to let her approach me, to give space and silence to give her room to speak if she wants, while also expressing sincerity and honesty and regret on occasion, and then giving space.

[This message edited by RandomName at 11:40 PM, September 2nd (Wednesday)]

RandomName posted 9/2/2020 23:41 PM

I updated the details specific to my cheating and lying in a separate post with the stop sign

Chaos posted 9/3/2020 12:02 PM

I didn't consider how that would make her feel.

Start there. I'm not being snarky - or cruel. But start there. Start considering how everything you do will make her feel. Start looking at everything from her perspective. There's your clue.

Don't stop when it gets uncomfortable. Because she can't. She doesn't get to tap out or turn it off when it is too much for her to handle. She has to keep going in spite of it all.

Please - start there.

gmc94 posted 9/3/2020 17:08 PM

BS here - no stop sign....

FWIW, many folks on SI find Esther Perel to be the bane of infidelity recovery. Personally, I think she's a wayward apologist who is quick to subliminally blame the BS for being betrayed. Just a thought to consider (there are probably a ton of threads on SI that are predominantly "anti" [for lack of a better term] Perel). However, not all folks agree. I raise it bc if you are just beginning your journey, it can be hella easy for a WS to fall into blameshifting and minimizing, and Esther Perel provides what I'd view to be a super easily justifiable road map for that.

Not Just Friends may be a lot older, but is generally seen as more balanced, and Glass also addresses EAs.

I also recommend "Help.Her.Heal" by Carol Sheets - it's about empathy and has a lot of exercises to help build empathy (how much this is needed may depend on how your BS is reacting).

The SI "healing library" has a lot of good info as well.

And good for you for keeping up with the SAA.

RandomName posted 9/4/2020 10:56 AM

Thank You Chaos.

RandomName posted 9/4/2020 10:56 AM

Thank You gmc94

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