The dreaded update
9/8. That's the day he proved everyone right, unfortunately. Everyone that told me he was going to do something with the GF. I swore he wouldn't, that he couldn't. Well, he did. He had our Ex GF over at his apartment on 9/7. They got drunk. The other friend that was there, left. There they were... Alone, drunk and horny. All these months he's been swearing she's just his friend. All the conversations where he made me feel bad becuase I called it an EA, and he said I was wrong. I wasn't wrong, I was right. They didn't have sex. He says he had the presence of mind to know that would be wrong. But they did cross a line. They are not just friends.
To his credit, he came home the next day and told me everything. He could've hidden it, I'd have never known. But he's good, at his core and he came and told me of his own free will. He let me ask questions and he stayed and had some tears with me. All good things.
I've been preparing myself for months for this, as much as one can be prepared. Still sucks.
So we are proceeding with seperation. I asked him to not talk to her for now, to get shit right in his own head. Then maybe we can both decide if we want R or D. Good plan, right? He agreed.
Oops. Texted her back the next 2 days, blamed it on me (I text her and told her what I think of her) and told me he didn't know it was strict NC, cause I didn't say that. Wayward nonsense, no? Says she's not his AP, this was not a "full blown affair". Wayward fog?? What exactly is she then!? Dare anyone to call her his friend now.
The other blow comes in the conversation following the second day of broken NC, when he tells me he didn't "want to be an asshole" to her. LOL! So.... You don't mind being one to me? They both betrayed me two days ago and we have to worry about HER feelings!? What world is this.
When he moved out, we sat down and wrote a seperation agreement, which said the marriage would be honored by both of us for one month, when we would meet to discuss things. He now says.. " well, we WERE seperated" um, yes. To work on ourselves with an understanding there would be no relationships outside. For one fucking month! He was only a few days short.
21 comments posted: Wednesday, September 16th, 2020
Can you get into a whatsapp account on the computer? Does it tell the user? Is there a way to log in without detection!?
1 comment posted: Saturday, August 29th, 2020
How many tears can a person cry?
The tears just won't stop coming tonight. Surely I've nearly run out. But everytime I think that, more come in waves. It's all So hard and so complicated.
I'm so grateful for the other thread and everyone sharing their thoughts. It helps tremendously. I will answer questions as soon as I can pull myself together.
I think I come closer to being done here ( as in this marriage) everyday. what a sad thing. Love is not enough. Life is not a fairytale.
[This message edited by bewuzzled at 8:06 PM, August 11th (Tuesday)]
2 comments posted: Tuesday, August 11th, 2020
Back 10 years after affair
I used to post here all the time, as a new WW. I have been reconciled to BH for 10 years, now seperated. Here's whats been happening:
My updated story. Sorry, it's long but interesting...
Ten years ago, I had a short emotional and then physical affair. After the one night I spent with OM, he found out and I did not handle Dday or the subsequent months appropriately. I learned alot here posting in Wayward, and we entered a reconciliation. I was vulnerable to the affair due to his withdrawl from our lives. Please understand that's not an excuse, what I did was wrong, no matter the circumstances. But we both understand I was vulnerable because I kept begging him to be involved , to be with me, to live our life with me, and he kept resisting , isolating and denying.
So... In our reconciliation, I offered him a ' wild card' or 'free pass'. We were onlies, and I had taken that away, and changed it for us and it was something that wieghed on him. I wanted to fix that for him. I know that was flawed thinking, but its what I did. He said he'd never want to do that, that it wouldn't fix anything, that it was crazy, and for years, we left it at that. Until 2 years ago, so like 8 years into R, all Of a sudden there was this opportunity. A friend he used to work with, messages him out of the blue and is now single. I knew she wanted him, he shared everything and I knew. So.. being the still guilty, never self forgiven ( although I claimed to be) WW that I am, I encouraged it. I provoked him into flirting with her for several weeks, ultimately setting up their "one free night ". She was told In advance of that night, exactly what it was and why, and that he absolutely had my blessing. ( hardest night I had ever lived through ). But now , he would feel better!He would surely forgive me now, after my ability to do that for him! Even though, before all this happened, he had told me I was forgiven and we were happy, reconciled... Living our new life.
If all that isnt crazy enough, that's only the beginning. The beginning of the end.
Following that one night that they shared, I declared they should really only continue a friendship if her and I met and were feiends too. She agreed to meet and weirdly, somehow, it turns into a threesome situation. I cannot even explain how. I have never in my life been attracted to another woman, but all lf a sudden this was fun. I really liked who BH was, I liked all the attention and flirting and ' dating'. I didn't ever LOVE the threesome sex, but it was a part of it and it was adventurous and daring and different. I felt like I was this awesome wife who gave her man something noone else would give their man. I always said it wasn't forever , this was just a thing we were doing for a bit.
It grew though, it grew out of control , I got uncomfortable, we had fights regarding boundaries and my emotions. It ended when her life got hectic, by her choice and we went back to being us. If that had been the end, maybe we'd still be ok.
When she csme back after a year, we decided to start it up again. I said at the start that I didnt want it to be as intense as last time, and that I wanted to be able to say so if I didn't want to do it anymore. He readily agreed and we had a gifriend again. Well. It not only was just as intense as the first time , it was much much more so. Why didn't I see that coming. She was a part of everything we did and said, she was everyday, everything. He made very effort he could to make me feel like I was #1, the wife... But it became to much and I couldn't live with it anymore . When it ended, in March.... He decladed a need for time and space and moved upstairs. We've lived like that to now, and he moves out this week.
The two of them have maintained a friendship the whole time. Her and I have not. Tried, a little ... Didn't work. I'm so ridiculously jealous that she gets to talk to him every day and I don't, after everything we've been through. I know that's just my side, he has his reasons. He's tired of ' losing in this marriage' hes tired of my emotional outbursts and he says I never consider his feelings before my own. He's not wrong, in the threesome situation I absolutely did that. I was the one who was scared, insecure, conflicted, jealous and unable. I don't think I did that outside the threesome relationship.
So now, here we are. On the brink of divorce. He says it isn't the breakup of the threesome that's to blame. It's the accumulation of all the resentments and bad stuff through all the years. I believed for a long time it was because I didn't want to be with her anymore. Part of me still does.
Obviously, thats not an all inclusive, highly detailed explanation, but its an outline. Thoughts, questions advice, criticism... All welcome. Thanks for reading.
100 comments posted: Monday, August 10th, 2020