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I feel betrayed, so is it cheating?

NewGiga06 posted 8/21/2020 11:57 AM

Married 13 years & have 2 kids. Very trusting relationship, but DH has always wanted sex more frequently than I. We've struggled on and off, but generally a good marriage.
One day DH handed me his phone to show me some pictures of the kids & I inadvertently saw a photo of a receipt for some sort of porn site. I know that he watches it sometimes and I really donít care, but I hadnít known he was paying for it. I made a mental note of the name and password & didnít think about for a couple months.
He goes to bed much earlier than I do, so one night about a half hour after heíd gone to bed, I went in to take a shower in our bathroom. To my surprise, he was sitting on the bed on his laptop. He closed the screen when he saw me. By the time I got out of the shower he was asleep. This was the first time I had ever seen him try to hide something from me.
The next day I looked up the porn site that I had seen the receipt for months before. It was more of a virtual sex site than porn. Users create an avatar to represent themself & then you chat with other avatars and have graphic onscreen sex.
According to his profile, heís been a member for over a year. He lists his orientation as bisexual & his avatar has 8 ďloversĒ listed and about a dozen ďfriendsĒ. His lovers are men and women, but mostly men. His score was 81. I believe that is how many times heís had virtual sex. His profile was a real picture of his penis.
Iím sure some will think that itís not cheating, but the way it made me feel convinces me otherwise. While I was logged in, a message came through from a woman, ďHi hunĒ. Even if he doesnít know these people in real life, they are having a very intimate relationship with my husband. In my house. In my bedroom.
Now what do I do? Iím hurt and feeling so insecure. I created a fake account on that site to keep tabs on him. Every night when he goes to bed I login in to see if heís online at the sex site. In the last 2 weeks it has been 2 or 3 times per week & every time I see that little green light next to his profile I have the same feelings of betrayal and hurt. But I keep checking every night and I canít stop. I tried to embrace him before he went to bed one night and he pushed me away saying he was tired. After that his green light went on and stayed on for an hour.
I want to question him & tell him that I know, but because of the bisexual stuff Iím afraid that he would be so embarrassed and angry that I snooped on him. I fear that would doom our relationship because he wouldnít be able to look at me knowing that I knew. I donít think heís gay or even bi, I think thatís just a private little fantasy of hisÖsomething he would never do IRL, but fun to fantasize about. I feel like we are both sneaking around the house all day with him trying to hide things and me trying to spy on him.
Even if this isn't a real physical affair, I fear that this could move into RL meetups if it continues...or maybe it already has.

This0is0Fine posted 8/21/2020 12:05 PM

He's hiding it and it has a sexual component. That's the basics of infidelity. You guys didn't agree to this. He never told you about it, and you should know about it if he doesn't actually think it's wrong.

No one has to have a competition about whether their betrayal is bigger or smaller or more or less real. Your feelings are valid. You should confront your husband IMO and try to get him to talk openly about you with this.

Let him know you are not comfortable with it and you feel betrayed.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 12:05 PM, August 21st (Friday)]

Jambomo posted 8/21/2020 12:22 PM

I personally would consider it cheating. He is having sexual interactions with other people, just because they are online doesnít mean they arenít other people or are somehow less important. He is also putting time and emotional investment into this rather than your relationship - just the same as any other affair.

thatbpguy posted 8/21/2020 12:34 PM

To me, this is sex addiction/fantasy territory. I would consider it cheating as he is taking away from you the affections due you and giving it to someone else.

Even more so, how easy would it be to take the next perverted step and met with someone?

He needs to stop and he needs professional help. If that does not occur, you will most likely have much worse issues in the near future.

Cooley2here posted 8/21/2020 12:54 PM

Yes. He is putting his interests elsewhere and not on you.

Lalagirl posted 8/21/2020 13:52 PM

I tried to embrace him before he went to bed one night and he pushed me away saying he was tired. After that his green light went on and stayed on for an hour.

That in and of itself proves he has stepped outside the M. And as the others said, he is hiding this from you, which is a betrayal.

I would first get screenshots of his profile and profile pic as well as the chats and save them in a safe place prior to confronting, because he will try to delete everything. He will also likely rewrite the history of your M, saying you weren't affectionate enough or some other horseshit about you not folding the towels right (I'm not kidding - WSs come up with some lame shit when they're caught).

In the meantime, take care of you - eat, hydrate, exercise, sleep. Know that none of what he is doing is your fault.

Keep posting here - we will help guide you out of infidelity, whatever path that may be. You do not have to make any decisions now...one step at a time. With that said, I think you should confront, but get that evidence saved first.

Hugs and strength,

Lala

The1stWife posted 8/21/2020 16:46 PM

Heís lying by omission and thatís cheating.

ChamomileTea posted 8/21/2020 17:30 PM

I caught my WH in a similar situation.. chat, porn, cybersex, dick picks, online "friends". I caught him out about two weeks before he planned to meet one of these people in real life. And I went straight to an attorney. Then, I called him home, told him I wanted a divorce, and it was all he could do to talk me out of it. We went for some therapy and I thought we were better. I'd bought into the "unmet needs" version of therapy our counselor was promoting, so I believed I could up my wife game and solve the problem. But, lo and behold, ten years later he was cheating live and in person on Craigslist.

The problem isn't you or your marriage. It's him and his boundaries, or more appropriately.. lack thereof. This behavior escalates. There's a biochemical payoff to engaging in risk taking behavior. Adrenaline and dopamine, as well as a whole host of "feel good" chemicals reward the brain, and as the user becomes accustomed to his dosage, bigger risks mean bigger rewards.

So yeah, I think you've got a cheating problem and I don't think you should be bashful about it. Your WH has been engaged in activities behind your back. And I don't think he's necessarily gay because there were men involved. Right now, it's virtual. That could be "upping the risk". If it were live and in person though, that might be another thing. Your WH's sexual orientation is important information that he should be sharing with you. It's not like it doesn't affect your life, right? The last thing anyone wants is to spend decades of their life as a gay person's beard. He owes you the truth.

I think you'd be wise to confront him with what you know before things get any worse.

((big hugs)) You're going to get through this. Believe me, we've all been on the fuzzy side of the cheater lollipop, and we've pulled through. You will too.

vampyre75 posted 8/21/2020 19:11 PM

If what he is doing violates your boundaries, then yes, it's cheating. He's hiding it from you because he knows it would be a violation of your boundaries, as it would probably be a violation of his own boundaries were you to be doing the same to him.
The question is, what are you going to do about it?

allusions posted 8/22/2020 11:55 AM

Not only is he at least cyber-cheating on you, but he's spending money to do so.

Idiotmcstupid posted 8/23/2020 16:22 PM

I agree that this is full on cheating. He has sexual relationships with people you don't know without your knowledge or permission.
It doesn't have to be PIV sex to be an affair.

TheLostOne2020 posted 8/23/2020 17:35 PM

This0is0Fine

He's hiding it and it has a sexual component. That's the basics of infidelity. You guys didn't agree to this. He never told you about it, and you should know about it if he doesn't actually think it's wrong.
No one has to have a competition about whether their betrayal is bigger or smaller or more or less real. Your feelings are valid. You should confront your husband IMO and try to get him to talk openly about you with this.

Let him know you are not comfortable with it and you feel betrayed.

I agree with all of this. On top of it he's directly hiding it from OP. He closed the laptop when she came in.

NewGiga06 posted 8/23/2020 22:54 PM

UPDATE
OMG Thank you for the knowledgeable advice and incite.I may have lost my mind wo this forum.I haven't been able to tell anyone about this.
I mentioned to him that I had been hurt when he pushed me away and said he was tired, "only to go to bed to beat-off instead". I just wanted to see if he'd lie to me or confess. He lied. He said he was really tired but had to do something on his computer for work before he went to sleep.
Dammit, I offered to reduce the charges and apparently he thinks he can win at trial! He could have just agreed that that was what he was doing and he chose to pretend like he's completely innocent. I know he was really chatting and having having VR sex!
I plan to walk in on him the next time he's using the sex site. I know he'll try to hide it, but I'll demand that he show me and hopefully he will.

[This message edited by NewGiga06 at 8:18 PM, August 25th (Tuesday)]

Countingsheep65 posted 8/23/2020 23:07 PM

NewGiga06...

Definitely cheating.

Thereís always more...much more, you just havenít discovered it yet.

ď What do you do right now?Ē....nothing, I wouldnít do anything.

I would keep watching and digging to see what heís up to.

That is , if you can keep yourself together.

Everything you find screenshot it....everything.

I thought I had seen and learned a lot with my situation over the years, have to say, I have not heard of theses Avatar things.

How is he paying for this?

Please prepare yourself for things you will find out, it can be very shocking to say the least.

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