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R is failing because he keeps lying

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PurpleReign posted 8/13/2020 21:23 PM

This is my first post. Iím exhausted but yet not defeated on a personal level. Weíve been trying to reconcile for the last 9 months. Lots of lies. Lots of DDays. I made the mistake of thinking there was growth and asked a question that he previously lied about 9 months ago. I thought finally he will fess up and be honest with me.

He told me that he had no intention to sleep with her. Had no thoughts about having sex. Yet he drove to her house at night an hour away. They had already had oral sex in her car prior to this and phone sex. She took him straight to her bedroom and he said he still thought they were not going to have sex. That they would just cuddle. Heís gone even further by saying she was the aggressor. That he just went along with it. Saying he never knew sex was going to happen until it happened.

Yíall I wasnít born today this all sounds absurd. All Iíve ever wanted was for him to be honest and own it so we could move forward. I donít believe him and neither does my close circle. I told him Iím done. Iím so very tired of the lies. I told him so youíre going to lose everything because you canít own your choices. Itís messed up but I refuse to live like this. I told him to reach out on the wayward side. He needs some serious help.

Itís been going downhill for over 3 months. Lots of anger from him and defensiveness. I regret allowing it to go on this long. For 6 months straight he kept blaming me and blame shifting, now itís the APís fault sex ever happened. Iíve been told Iím being ridiculous and Iím annoying. That Iím overreacting. This is the nail in the coffin for me. R is officially over. Iím packing the house up. Just getting the money ready to file for divorce.

Thanks for listening and any advice is welcome.

fareast posted 8/13/2020 22:51 PM

Sorry you are here. Your WH is not remorseful for his cheating. He is still being defensive and blameshifting. In order to even attempt R, it takes two, and honesty and humility are required on the part of the cheater. It is hard to accept personal responsibility for cheating and betraying your partner and it takes humility and empathy. Your WH has demonstrated neither trait. He continues to blameshift and want to rugsweep. You are right to get your ducks in a row. Keep moving ahead. He might finally start to be honest. But I wouldnít hold my breath. Sorry it has come to this, but he is giving you nothing to work with. Good luck.

PurpleReign posted 8/13/2020 23:10 PM

FarEast thank you so much for responding. I agree with everything you are saying. My only question and obviously is something I missed that he has no remorse. I thought he did at least he pretended to. If you can elaborate on that further I would really appreciate it.

Iím learning from reading the forums that he is not R material and not safe. I was going to stop R 3 months ago but he finally stopped blaming me. Well that came back last month. False R behavior. Itís obvious to me heís either not ready to R or he just doesnít want to really do the work. He wants to be the ďgoodĒ guy so thatís why I feel heís minimizing the sexual part of the affair. Itís very narcissistic and I canít deal with that anymore.

Heís not being honest. Heís still using all the lies he told himself to have the affair. He really has convinced himself that this is the truth. He admits what heís telling me doesnít sound believable but insists itís all true. Iím finally at the end of my rope and itís time to stop the charade.

I told him the ball is in his court. If he wants to continue this route there is no point in trying. Heís wasting my precious time. I must practice self care and move on without him. I told him if/when heís ready and Iím still available then maybe but I just donít see that happening.

ashesofkali posted 8/13/2020 23:28 PM

Weíve been trying to reconcile for the last 9 months.

PurpleReign, it sounds to me like YOU'VE been trying to reconcile for the last 9 months, and your WS has been doing nothing aside from trying to cover his own ass. Two full years went by between the day I found out about my WH's affair and the day I finally kicked him to the curb. I wanted to R but he wasn't willing to do any work. He never even apologized for his 5-year-long affair. If your WS is behaving in a similar fashion, then I do sincerely think (based on my experience) that your best option is to walk away now. False R is just more misery Ė you don't need it, and you certainly don't deserve it. Wishing you all the best tonight. Strength. Hugs. Peace.
- ashes

gmc94 posted 8/14/2020 00:51 AM

it sounds to me like YOU'VE been trying to reconcile for the last 9 months, and your WS has been doing nothing aside from trying to cover his own ass.

JJ777 posted 8/14/2020 04:42 AM


I feel your pain,and that we are in a very similar position and DD time frame. Some of what I and others have written in my recent thread about TT and anger might resonate with you. Yours certainly does with me.
I too have the WS whose sole aim for the effort of reconciliation appears to be to console himself that through 'all his efforts' he is indeed 'bascially a good man', and the AP is the 'narcissistic office femme fatale' who he also 'didnt have full sex with'- mmm he has lied about everything else but this, this is the BIG TRUTH, and its soo important that I believe this one.
Yep also the NPD tendencies too. I have read a few times that most WS have these tendencies, so how do we know if this is actually them or might recede in time? when or if they can actually take responsibility for their affair. Mine has recently decided/ reshaped it in his mind so that he 'doesnt like calling it an affair anymore, because it wasnt really all that'.
I beg to differ, when on DD he simply told me he was in love with OMW after a 3 month fling( that really lasted 2 years and he was planning to leave me) and that he was 'done ' with me.Cold as ice about me and his kids after 2 decades.
Sadly for him she changed her mind

At this precise moment I would like some of your determined badass.
Good luck and massive supportive virtual hugs with this journey none of us wanted to take.

Bigger posted 8/14/2020 05:20 AM

A major milestone in reconciliation is where the BS raises his hand and acknowledges that the infidelity was ALL on him.
It might take some time to reach that point, but if he spent the first six months blaming you and the next three blaming the AP then you havenít even gotten to the starting line.

Think of it this way: If the affair was truly your fault and the sex was truly AP fault then ongoing fidelity is totally based on YOUR actions and on him not meeting another woman that forces sex on him.
You go along and change whatever caused him to have sex. But what if you do something later on Ė say a year or ten from now Ė that also makes him have to have an affair? Even if you stick to the non-infidelity-causing actions and behaviorsÖ what if he meets a woman that makes him have sex?
Doesnít make sense. HeckÖ the ONLY logical conclusion to ďshe made me have sexĒ is rape.

In order for R to be possible you need some things in place. You need truth, accountability and commitment. Doesnít sound like you have any of those.

Maybe tell him something like this:
Honey Ė You first insisted the affair was because of me. Now you insist that the AP made you have sex Ė basically rape. Itís never your fault. If itís all me and the AP there isnít any way I can feel safe you wont cheat again. Maybe itís best I focus on myself and how to feel safe and look into separation or divorce. If thatís not what you want then you have a window of opportunity to convince me you are fessing up and working at saving this marriage.

99problems posted 8/14/2020 10:09 AM

You're making the right decision.
When my stbxww trickle truthed me I had the reaction of freaking out, then calling out each lie, then patiently sitting there and watching her try to come up with another lie, then freaking out again.
That was the WRONG (codependent) way to handle it.
Leave him and file. If he decides, on his own, to ever actually come clean then you won't feel as if the only reason he did is because you coerced him.
I could teach a friggin' class on how not to handle this, based on my previous actions.

tushnurse posted 8/14/2020 11:28 AM

PUrple You are making the best decision you can make to keep your sanity, and well-being safe.

R is really really difficult at best when both partners are fully invested and the WS is owning their choices, but him getting angry w/ you.... it is not acceptable. That's now how R works.

You are being smart. Read up on the 180 - so you can keep some distance and sanity.

(((And Strength)))

thatbpguy posted 8/14/2020 11:39 AM

Thanks for listening and any advice is welcome.

Is this the man, errrrrrrrrrrr, boy you want to be with for the rest of your life?

If so, stay the course. But the seas will be rough.

If not, then call it quits now and cut your losses.

My best advice and I wish you well.

HardKnocks posted 8/14/2020 14:54 PM

Do not confuse *damage control* with *reconciliation.*

PurpleReign posted 8/14/2020 17:18 PM

Ashes thank you so much for your reply. I so agree. Iíve been in R and he has not. Heís still trying to minimize and cover his ass. I keep telling him that just because he believes it doesnít make it so. Iím halting everything. There will be no R. Iím moving on with my life. I donít have time to wait on him.

The only positive is that he did post in the wayward side. They nicely said he was full of sh!t. He apologized for continuing to lie and be in denial. Itís too late for that mess. He needs to work on his issues that landed him in an affair in the first place. He has a lot of work to do. In the meantime Iím taking care of myself. Iím running again and eating right. Planning things I like to do. He is no longer invited.

PurpleReign posted 8/14/2020 17:34 PM

JJ are we married to the same guy? Lol I mean they are already proven cheaters. I can relate to literally everything you wrote about what youíre dealing with. My WS really really wants me to believe this. He thinks if the sex wasnít planned then heís not this cheating monster. He is delusional. Heís so adamant about making me believe this lie he was willing to put our whole marriage on the line. Welp I guess that fits since he risked it all for a nasty skank that is my total opposite.

It is complete narcissism and denial to think one is still a good guy and a cheater. I told him if his image mattered that much he wouldnít be in this position. So Iím going to allow him to stew in this soup of crap heís created. He can do all the work while I take care of myself. I reminded him I didnít want him back that it was his idea to R and heís failing at that too.

Thank you for the compliment of being a bad ass. Love that! It took me 20 years of marriage to an idiot to get there. I always remind him you made this lol We all are very strong to try to give grace and another chance to these manchildren. Sending support your way and no we didnít deserve to be in this club at all.

The1stWife posted 8/14/2020 17:46 PM

PR. Iím sorry you are still facing this after 9 months ó Iím sure you have come a tremendous amount of work. On you and your marriage she his issues etc. itís just so damn exhausting!!

I can tell you from experience if there is no remorse there is no true reconciliation. My Hís last EA turned Physical affair he was kicking me to the curb for the younger OW. So I was facing a Divorce.

He was never remorseful. He blamed me for his affair. He held onto grievances from 25 years prior that I never knew existed. Stupid petty nonsense he used to justify the affair.

I finally told him he left me with no choice but to D him. We were finished. Now suddenly Iím seeing remorse and real chances and his willingness to discuss everything and immediately end the Affair and never speak to the OW.

He tried to blame her that she came on to him. I immediately told him that was nonsense and if thatís his story we can just stop now and go our separate ways. Because he found have refused her advances (that I know were his advances) AND made a choice to NOT cheat.

Counseling helped him to see how far removed from reality his thinking was. Eventually over time he saw how he was lying to himself to justify his poor choices.

I hope your H gets his act together. And soon.

Sometimes fear makes people act in a way that they think is helping (continued lying) but is actually detrimental. More marriages donít survive infidelity not because of the affair but because if the cheaterís behavior after the affair.

I hope this helps you.

PurpleReign posted 8/14/2020 17:49 PM

Bigger you are on point. I said the same things to him. I said so she raped you 3 times?! And I donít say that to be crass or dismissive to sexual assault. But in this case thatís what heís saying. Iíve been told he didnít want the sex. Iíve been told it wasnít discussed or planned even tho they sexted and had phone sex. He really forgot who he was dealing with. Iím too smart and have too much self worth for this foolishness.

The other part to this f*ckery is that he keeps trying to claim it was the emotional part he was after yet the affair became very sexual. He forgot he told me the details yuck. Denial denial denial. Thatís his thing. Heís not ready to R. The last 9 months have been trash and itís over. The time he has is between me filing for divorce and the judge signing the papers. Heís already wasted enough of my time. Thank you so much for your input.

PurpleReign posted 8/14/2020 17:59 PM

Idiotmestupid lol I had to make sure I had that right because youíre no idiot. They can really try to put us on a merry go round of bullsh!t.Thank goodness for intelligence and common sense. I just knew things he was saying werenít adding up and I challenged him on each one. I have not made this process easy at all. I reminded him daily we are NOT back together.

We are separated and he wants so badly to come back home. I said nope! Heís not ready for prime time. Not even close. Thatís why Iím choosing to move forward. Itís up to him to first choose honesty for once in his life and to find a counselor because omg he really needs one. This affair once again is showing how
messed up my husband really is. Some people are just not equipped for marriage

PurpleReign posted 8/14/2020 18:10 PM

Tushnurse thank you so much for your response. I can definitely see itís time to stop this madness and change course. Iíve seen references to the 180 but wonder where I can get more information on how to do that. Iíve also read Dr. Harleyís book. I really should be in plan B. Which involves no contact. That part is hard for me because first my mouth lol and because we make daily to weekly financial decisions. I will do more research.

He is fully aware that everything has been halted. I know itís the right thing to do.

PurpleReign posted 8/14/2020 18:14 PM

Thatpbguy yes I married a manchild. Iíve told him repeatedly over the years I needed a man not a little boy. He just doesnít have it in him if ever to own his affair. To me thatís the first step. Iím mentally and financially preparing to move on. If a miracle happens thatís great for him lol.

PurpleReign posted 8/14/2020 18:19 PM

Hardknocks youíre so right. Damage control is not R at all. I was going to break it off 3 months ago but he seemed to change. It was all an illusion. I feel Iím back on course to focusing on my well being. Thank you

Booyah posted 8/14/2020 20:01 PM

Purple sounds to me that you're a woman who knows who she is, has boundaries, and isn't going to take shit off anyone.

That said, when trying to think of the why's, look at it like this. If he can't even be honest with himself (and he isn't) how could you ever expect him to be honest with you.

I know it sucks but like Tony Robbins use to say, " you can cry all day long about weeds being in your garden or you can just pull them out and move along".

Sounds to me you're pulling your weeds out and moving along!!

Well done!

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