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Separation

Ascott58 posted 8/4/2020 23:18 PM

Anyone separate for a period of time to fond that you wanted to reconcile? Just had a dday #3 and am going to my mothers f or a while. I love my husband so much, why? He has lied 3 times and had 2 different affairs. Please someone explain why I love him? Why do I want us to work. We have no kids. Why do i want a life with him? Please help me!

tushnurse posted 8/5/2020 08:01 AM

Ascott no one is going to bedgrudge you loving your spouse, even if he is cheater and a liar.

What we are going to do is tell you search yourself to figure out why you don't want to end it, why you don't love yourself enough to demand better, to get very real with what this situation is, and figure out what you want out of life. You are young, you are able to be happy again. I know it may not seem so now, but your H is not R material, and you can't make him be no matter how much you love him. He is a very broken man. He has to fix that brokenness w/in himself to ever be a safe partner to anyone, and he isn't willing to.

Hold your head high knowing you did all you could. Grieve your loss, and start healing yourself. If you need some therapy to help you do that, then by all means do it.

((((And Strength))))

TheLostOne2020 posted 8/5/2020 08:39 AM

Not really. I've separated from my wife/ex. It's been several weeks and I have no desire to reconcile. In fact, the more time goes by the more I'm realizing that I've been blind to the 'real her'.

You want things to work because you were in love with him. You still have this idealized version of him in your head. That's who you are in love with - not the true 'him'. The him that takes direct action he knows will hurt you.

whatisloveanyway posted 8/5/2020 09:03 AM

I did not separate, but thought seriously about it. I don't think anybody can answer the Why questions you have. Why you love him so much, why you don't want to end your relationship. I still wonder some of those things.

The person I thought I was would have walked away at the first betrayal, not clung tighter at the third. But the person I turned out to be reacted viscerally, without a single thought otherwise, and fought hard for the life I thought we had built. I didn't question my motives for over a year, and I've read a lot about why we do these crazy things like love the people that hurt us even more instead of less. Some of it is territorial, some is history, some is habit, some is chemical and some is hope. Love is mysterious.

Use your time apart to unpack some of your reasons. Make lists. At his worst, my WH had more in the stay column than the go column. He convinced me he was worth the risk, once he was able to understand what he had done to me and to us. And the best therapist advice I ever got was you can always decide to end your marriage, it's ok to take your time reaching the right decision. I kept that in my pocket like a worry stone, and it was a comfort to me when I felt the craziest. It's liberating to know you do have choices, once you see them there. Get through your trauma first, take care of yourself first, and pay close attention to who your WH is, what he says and does, not who you wish him to be. Your path will reveal itself to you in time. Take care of yourself.

Whatslove posted 8/5/2020 15:46 PM

I'm a newbie here but yes. We separated after Dday. We are now starting to work towards reconciliation after 6 months apart. Honestly, we needed this time apart. I needed to emotionally disconnect and heal myself. Reestablish confidence and boundaries. Him seeing me thrive without him, plus a taste of life with us no longer together put things in perspective I think. The first 5 months he enjoyed the single life, wouldn't take responsibility for his actions, and just was very nasty towards me. It looks like he's finally getting it though.

Can I ask what consequences your SO has faced from his previous A?

Ascott58 posted 8/6/2020 07:56 AM

In June of 2019 I found out what I thought was an emotional affair. We wotked through it. Moved to a new state and tried to start a nrw life. In May of this year the OW reached out to me and told me it was a PA and there was another. I asked him if anything happened with the other girl and he said just talking. So I messaged her on IG. She never got back to me. I looked threw phone records recently and saw they had been messaging. He was trying to keep it to where she wouldn't tell me. So I've been working for 13 weeks on R for nothing. He said after seeing how bad i took it in May. Hr didn't want to cause me more pain.. which i know if half true.. he didn't want me to leave either.. Now im right back if not worse than where I was 13 weeks ago. I dont know what to do. I asked to the first one and she said it was one night and he felt horrible so didn't want it to happen again. But he threw away 15 years for a crappy night. We where not doing good in our marriage. We were bith so lonely and didn't know how yo tell the other. I know he is devested as am I. He swears he would never hurt me again but how do u believe someone who has been lying for a year and a half?

tushnurse posted 8/6/2020 08:13 AM

Ascott - he isn't as devastated. He is broken, and until he fixes his ish, he is going to continue to hurt you w/o regard to the damage he is doing.

Please read up on 180. Implement it. Stop allowing him to hurt you. Start focusing on yourself. Please. When you start to get distance, you will start to gain clarity.

HellFire posted 8/6/2020 08:56 AM

I've skimmed your other posts..

He's put a time limit on this. He's going to "try" until December, then the two of you are going to discuss whether to stay together.

And, at two months out, he's already tired of talking about it, and you bringing it up.

Look, if a WS isn't ALL IN, and doing the heavy work, then the BS has nothing to work with. Your WS isn't all in if he's set a time limit.

It takes 3 to 5 years to heal from this. If,at 2 months, he is getting upset when you bring it up, he is not reconciliation material.

You have asked many questions, but,gently, none of them matter when he isn't all in, or remorseful.

And he is not "extremely remorseful" as you have said. If he was, he wouldn't be getting upset. And he would be all in. He may be regretful,but that is not the same as remorseful.

Justsomeguy posted 8/6/2020 11:01 AM

We are all complex beings. I was married 25 years when my WW started her (first?) A. We are currently S and moving to the final stages of D. Our marriage had ups and downs, but I loved her deeply. When DDAY#1 hit, I could not imagine life without her. My sister was understanding but incredulous as she saw my WW from outside the relationship and could not stand her.

They say we see through rose tinted glasses. I think that is true. I think we love a construct, rather than the person in front of us. We selectively edit out all of the things that show our partner to be less than ideal and emphasis anything positive. When Dday hits, this comes crashing down.

The difficulty is in the justappsition of the now real and the former imagined partner. How do we resolve the difference? Were we that wrong? How much of our life was a lie. The prospect of this mountain of realizations is enormous and often IMHO we revert back to our image of who we thought our partner was. It's familiar and comfortable and wholly fictional. We see what has happened as a blip, an aberration in their character, something correctable. It takes time to admit to ourselves that this is the real them, the them that was tucked beneath layers and layers of our projections.

Like I said, I loved my wife and would have taken a bullet for her. It took me a long time to realize that she was never worthy of that love. As I detoxed, I began to see her behavior, not as an aberration, but as completely in keeping with who she was. And as I saw that, I realized that she was simply not good enough to stay with.

I sti grieve every day after 2 years S. I grieve the loss of family, holiday dinners, rituals, my old house, my old life, but I do not grieve her. I grieve the idea of a wife and partner. In my mind, when I dare to remember, she is a figure that is blanked out in family photos, a place where it says insert significant other. I can't believe I ever loved her and think myself a fool for ever marrying her. What a contrast to DDAY#1.

I think you need to be more demanding and selfish with the only life you get to live. You need to be certain that your WH is damn well worth the honour of being with you.

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