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The start of year two in R.

Notaboringwife posted 8/4/2020 12:08 PM

I took lots of time on this rainy day to re-read my journals as a BS from last year and thought it would be cool to share a couple of things with this wonderful community.

The first year of R has been a roller coaster of feelings for me and my FWH. As I re-read my entries, I saw that my FWH had strong affair withdrawal behaviours as well as alcohol withdrawal behaviours that had nothing to do with me as the BS. At that time, I did not feel anything but my own hurt. I was so focused on me. And there were many times I was thinking I want out of R, that I can't deal with this shit etc. etc.

In looking back, he did go through his own hellish hell. I, as a BS , went through my own nightmares of his affair consequences.
Yet, here we are starting year two, covid anxious, but calmer and kinder to one another.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm ok with my life. I can even laugh at some of the absurdities of his affair, and the stupidities he had to deal with while living with OW when I threw him out on D-Day. I am surviving one day at a time. I feel good. And I am grateful for this community.

Unhinged posted 8/4/2020 17:50 PM

Nice update.

A word of caution. Year two was, in some ways, harder than the first. That first year was mostly about me and my recovery. Year two was about accessing the damage and the future.

78monte posted 8/4/2020 18:49 PM

Year 2 was very bad for me. Starting to see better days as we just passed 2 yrs and 8 months since full confession. I wish you well and hope your healing continues to be positive?

20yrsagoBS posted 8/4/2020 19:30 PM

Full confession?


What’s that?

hikingout posted 8/4/2020 22:31 PM

I am the ws, but year two progressively got better for both of us. I do think year one was the recovery for both of us really, but as we started I to year two I think our resolve was there. The first half of the year was still a bit of a roller coaster, but one without as many deep plunges. But by about the 18 month mark we were communicating well, things were not nearly as charged and we had full on date weekends in which we both were able to enjoy ourselves. I only spoke up to give you a different experience perspective than what you have gotten so far. I think it looks differently for everyone. We are wrapping up our third year now, and things are infinitely better for both of us. Its still there, but it doesn’t infiltrate every minute of every hour of every day any more, we are building something new.

78monte posted 8/4/2020 22:45 PM

@ 20yrsago, after 4 months of tt, my WW finally told everything I dreaded to hear. She has been an open book ever since.

littleAvocet posted 8/5/2020 03:22 AM

I found year 2 harder in a different way. Once the initial crisis was over, we dug into the awful things at the root of it all. There was always further to fall. It does get better though.

Oldwounds posted 8/5/2020 11:13 AM

Anytime in this recovery where you can say you “feel good” is a really good moment.

Build on that if possible, because the roller coaster may very well continue, at least it did for me in year two.

“Calmer and kinder” was the foundation of our R and is true to this day. Kindness to each other after such emotional devastation was our road back to rebuilding our relationship into something stronger.

Affairs are absurd. I hope you continue to recovery with more good days along the way.

Tentwinkletoes posted 8/5/2020 12:30 PM

Year 1 was a blur. The adrenaline of the pain and the disbelief kept me going. Year 2 was much lower in mood. I had unhealthy coping mechanisms I had so much unresolved anger which came out in terrible ways esp against my wh. I was more done and finished in year 2 than I was any other time. But somewhere along the line I made the decisions to try and forgive myself for staying and make peace wifh my anger before I lost myself and probably my wh if I'm honest. And it worked. I had ow poking at me via social media etc and goading me so it still felt like a very uncertain place. Once that was removed I really blossomed. Amazing how letting some toxic persons power go allows you to heal and grow.
It was tough. It was also the lowest mood wise. But im stronger for it personally and that allowed the marriage to be stronger eventually too

Notriangle posted 8/5/2020 21:17 PM

Notaboringwife,
We are still in year one of reconciliation. Nine months, to be exact. I think most of the whys of his affair had nothing to do with me. There was alcohol, job stress, and a fear of running out of time, etc.
I am finding myself more okay with life lately. I just don't let anger and pain rule me anymore. I want to be at peace. Some might call it rugsweeping but I call it moving on. I have learned not to trust or rely on him but I am okay with that. I feel good because I am a good person and I am grateful for the things I have in life.
How has your relationship changed? How do you feel toward your FWH? Do you feel like the specialness has gone? I am okay. Life is good but our marriage is different and evolving. I'm not sure what the future holds.

[This message edited by Notriangle at 9:20 PM, August 5th (Wednesday)]

Notaboringwife posted 8/6/2020 11:39 AM

Notriangle, and to all who added their life stories:
Thank you for your support and insights!

How has your relationship changed? How do you feel toward your FWH? Do you feel like the specialness has gone?

We both are changing from our broken marriage and his affair, only now. Maybe it was time related or covid related. I don't know. I see a bit of the man I had while dating and before the children were born. That was about 43 years ago. Caring and interested in me.

The cheating during the affair has FWH making amends, and being kind and much calmer in his demeanour towards me. He has a way to go to feel that way for his future life. He is trying though. He has his life demons to deal with. I have the consequences of his affair to deal with. This is ongoing.

How do I feel towards him today? Without any prejudice, I am saying that at times, I feel sorry for him. Weird huh? I see a broken man that is trying. I am as kind to him and he is to me. I feel at peace with myself and with him. I will stand by him as he stands by me. I like the unruffled relationship we have now.

And please do not ask me if I love him. The romantic love of the past has evolved into understanding and accepting his character weaknesses and strengths. And that means a whole lot to me! Maybe that is love?

I feel that our relationship is special to us because I am surviving his infidelity with my head and heart in the right place.
Surviving in itself is special. Very special. And FWH is with me.

I do not know either, what the future holds. It does not matter. I am good today! One day at a time.

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