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New and looking for as much help as i can get

t999 posted 8/2/2020 13:58 PM

So the cheating happened exactly a year ago tomorrow. We both have our own issues and are in a codependent relationship that has a lot of parts of toxicity. I sadly have made every excuse, work stress, active PTSD from the military, past trauma, all of these things were unlocked after 25 or so years of burring them after I cheated and the resulting aftermath. I have to do the work or I will have to say good by to my partner of 15 years because I cannot continue to hurt her.

SI Staff posted 8/2/2020 14:03 PM

   Moving to Wayward Side

JBWD posted 8/3/2020 11:08 AM

Same as other similar welcome posts recently, feel free to share your story with us.

Losing your partner may be a done deal already, and you will have to find acceptance in knowing that what you undertake in joining this venue will make you more whole, regardless of the status of your relationship.

First thing I can tell you from the words you have given us, you still have a long way to owning your role in this- You don’t “have to say goodbye” to your BP to keep from hurting her- If you choose to stop, then stop hurting her. But first and foremost recognize your decisions brought you to this point. You’re not going to un-do these choices, but you can learn from them and keep from hurting others in the future.

Bottom line is you’re likely going to have some time to figure yourself out and learn to live with yourself- We all have to do it sometime, so let’s start today. The best gift you can give yourself is freedom from the thoughts and patterns that fueled these decisions, and that’s the best path to becoming a safe partner. BUT if you’re doing it for her you’re not likely going to keep up. So the key becomes recognizing that YOU are worth the effort to change. She is too, but her presence is not a guarantee, and yours is.

tushnurse posted 8/5/2020 09:57 AM

Welcome - Regardless of how you got here, you are here now, and that tells me you on some level want to do what is good and right.

If you cheated, the very first thing that you need to know learn and accept is that you absolutely completely have to be honest w/ your partner from this day forward and always. You have to strip away all dishonesty. You have to be painfully honest. Are you ready to do that? If so then you can start to do the work to own your mess and heal yourself.

A lot of us are broken people when we come here, regardless of the side we are on. WS or BS. Personally as a BS, I was horrifically CoD d/t an alcoholic father, and abusive mother. My WS was broken from a lifetime of having a passive aggressive self absorbed father, and Mother that was doing anything and everything she could to keep the peace, but get out.

So yah we had our shit. But his choice to cheat was his. Not mine. Just as yours is 100% on you. Regardless of what led you to do it you did it of your own free will.

So please feel free to share more, and we will give you honest and meaningful feedback and advice on how to heal yourself, and get your M back on track if it is possible.

gmc94 posted 8/5/2020 12:07 PM

Echo all that JWBD & Tush say.

You have to strip away all dishonesty. You have to be painfully honest. Are you ready to do that? If so then you can start to do the work to own your mess and heal yourself.
And IMO, the reality is that begins with YOU. Most (all?) cheaters lie to themselves before they lie to others. So one place to start is by being brutally honest with yourself, which turns into honesty with others.

Becoming honest usually results in a fair amount of shame. Shame can do a heckuva lot of damage - to you and to your BS. So you'll have to learn how to manage it. Brene Brown's books can be a good tool to help identify/explore and become comfortable with shame and ways to diffuse it. Many on SI are fans of Pema Chodron on this front as well (or becoming comfortable with some uncomfortable truths).

t999 posted 8/11/2020 12:03 PM

Thanks everyone who came and posted I really do appreciate the advice.

sometimes its very hard for me because I know the correct answer, I see it right in front of me, yet the words that come out of my mouth end up being either poorly delivered, or rushed leaving my wife angry because I said something I didn't mean or i just simply poorly worded it and its hard to understand.

I am getting at understanding my own emotions, and keeping clear of trying to communicate when I know I am most likely to make poor conversation choices.

I can see the effect that being calm understanding and putting forth effort to listen rather than speak, or worry about what to say next can bring to her.

It also seems to be helping me as well the more time we have with no triggers, or crazy amounts of anxiety or panic makes it easier for me to be able to be more in the moment with my feelings and be more relaxed while speaking.

MrCleanSlate posted 8/12/2020 11:47 AM

t999,

If you really want some relevant advice consider posting some of your backstory and some specifics about what is at issue today.

I see some desperation in your first post on this thread. Are you resolving some of it?

Chaos posted 8/15/2020 11:21 AM

You have to strip away all dishonesty. You have to be painfully honest.

True. Very true. And you have to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with anyone else. That will be hardest part. And I will be blunt, if you aren't willing to do that - let her go. And at least be honest with her about why.

I hope you choose to dig that deep within yourself.

Maia posted 8/15/2020 11:33 AM

you're broken hearted.

There's a disconnect between the things you mean and the things you say partially because of that. Your heart is broken. The good news is? you can heal. I know it sounds like I'm giving you a pass. "Oh that person effed up because they were broken"

There's nothing easy about admitting your brokenness and working to heal.

But just recognize the disconnect and realize, its a symptom.

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