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New Betrayed Husband

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thatbpguy posted 8/7/2020 15:24 PM

I'm fairly hard on waywards on other forums but some have piled in relentlessly
She isn't as bad as some and worse than others but amazingly seems to be getting a couple of things right without the advice of a forum
Imagine if she had the sense to go to a forum earlier

Interesting.

I think it would do her good to go to the Wayward forum. Some really good people there.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 3:25 PM, August 7th (Friday)]

UnderCover posted 8/7/2020 15:31 PM

I'm going to offer a few counterpoints. Not that I necessarily believe them, but I find a certain amount of logic and base it upon experience from these sites. Also, to try and keep this balanced.
Starting with her last call to the POS. I get it. She had sent the NC email and he was harassing her. She felt compelled to tell him that the betrayal had ended. So she finally called. I would have done so as well. I see nothing sinister with this at all. In fact, it ended up well as he dropped his bomb on her that she was nothing more to him than a sidepiece. I think that is when the light went on for her.

Back to church and God. Again, perfectly normal. Things are clicking in that she has destroyed a good man (her husband- sorry, had to say that so a few would understand), destroyed her marriage, destroyed the family, heavily damaged her children and jeopardized her career doing the most unethical thing possible. In her burgeoning shame, she turns to God. I would as well. She is seeking some solace and comfort- who wouldn't?

I can also appreciate she wants to salvage the marriage. Nearly all betrayers do in the initial stages of being found out. She doesn't know how to just yet. Maybe she will get that figured out with some help and maybe she won't. But I would want to try if I were in her shoes. Why this makes her an evil bitch makes no sense to me.

A new career. As a professional in her field, she fully gets it. These are ethical lines and she has crossed them in aces. Does that cause her to lose her license? I doubt it. I deal with doctors who have betrayals with patients, staffers, vendors... no rules about that in the 14 states I deal with. Who knows, maybe for her profession in her state there is. However, were it me and my career was the catalyst for my betrayals and the pain I am starting to see... I'd probably look for another profession as well. Initially out of guilt and shame, and then as she realizes it will have to be done if she wants to salvage what she can with her relationships to you and the children. Again, I'd do the exact same thing.

What I'm trying to say is her little world of betrayal is over, she realizes she meant zero to her lover, she is just starting to see the damage she has done and is taking all the initial steps I would think a betrayer would. I see an effort to start making amends there. For this, so far, I find grace.

Ok, all that said, does that mean there is any sort of obligation to try and R. Nope. None whatsoever. We live by the fruits of our ways. But what I am saying is that I don't find any fault with what has transpired since dday. Seems perfectly normal for someone waking up and wanting to try and salvage what she can.

As to what AH may do, is up to him as he follows his heart and mind. Whichever way, I would fully support.

Nice to see another view expressed

As there has been very little confrontation between AH and his WW in the time period the dialogue has been limited

Without the nuances and details so far given by AH this could perfectly be a truer version
Only AH would know

Westway posted 8/7/2020 15:36 PM

This would be a great time to let the OBS also know that you need your STBX to keep her job so you don't end up paying alimony. I get that she wants her pound of flesh, we've all been in her shoes. But attacking at work will have a negative affect for your entire family, not just your WW.

This.

Absolutely call the OBS and ask her not to threaten your WW's job. This gal is out for blood and she will bulldoze right over the top of you without realizing what she is doing. Don't let her go from ally to enemy due to her own exuberance.

Thumos posted 8/7/2020 16:11 PM

AH,

This is a long thread, but it's because many BS's here are seeing this quite clearly and have given you good advice.

Your wife spent more than 700 days gaslighting you, humiliating you, cuckolding you, lying to you, offering her full sexuality to another man, and planning to leave you. When finally outed with the work of a private investigator, she tucked tail and tried to negotiate pinning down her "plan B" (you) while still harboring desire for Plan A (him) and trying to tease out whether she could salvage her fantasies of a luxe lifestyle.

Those are the empirical raw brute facts you are faced with. It's not spin. It's not my interpretation. It's what is staring us in the face.

There's no mob mentality here, and that's an absurd assertion I would ignore if I were you. You're getting unfiltered straight no-nonsense talk. Every situation is different, but every situation also has remarkable similarities.

Many of us who have been through this and have tried to reconcile have been through far less than you are having to come to grips with now. My STBXWW's affair was three months with a friend of mine and "only one" alleged instance of sex in my home. The attendant blameshifting, gaslighting, minimization, trickle truth and foot dragging has been enough to bring me to the end of the circus -- as much as I still love my wife. Yes, still love her, but also having to acknowledge the reality of the situation and the reality of who she is. Throughout the entire ordeal I have never been unkind to her. Only raised my voice in anger once when I told her to stop lying to me.

You can be kind, stay a gentleman and also protect yourself and begin to heal much more quickly than if you took up the hopium pipe and looked at your WW through that haze of false optimism.

To suggest that you protecting yourself and proceeding with a divorce to heal yourself is the equivalent of burning a witch at the stake is frankly complete nonsense. And really offensive, considering the trauma you are enduring. But it's the kind of thing you will need to expect from some. If I were in your shoes I would ignore those voices trying to subtly (or not so subtly) guilt you or make you take on the mantle of scapegoat.

Move forward. Stay frosty. Keep your values intact, head held high. If you see a TRULY remorseful ex-wife who has taken on the real burden and responsibility of trying to get down to her issues, who has stopped talking and started doing, you can always take another look if you want.

But the priority now should be getting free and clear of a toxic situation. Now.

[This message edited by Thumos at 4:13 PM, August 7th (Friday)]

thatbpguy posted 8/7/2020 16:39 PM

I called a close friend whose wife has a close friend who is CEO of a national realty company. So far as I can find, there are no rules or laws that preclude a person with a realtor or broker license from having sex with a client. It's unethical, but not illegal. In fact, if it helps make a sale, a broker doesn't generally care.

The AP's wife could sue the realty parent company or maybe even the broker, but aside from alimentation of affections, I don't know what the claim would be.

whatIknowNow posted 8/7/2020 16:44 PM

thatbpguy, I can agree with everything you said here, every word, and still if I were the husband there would be zero, absolutely zero room for any kind of reconciliation.

Sometimes, the behavior is just a bridge too far, a shit sandwich so big it will never get past the throat and there is simply no staying with someone even in the presence of actual forgiveness.

AHG has made it clear that he still has feelings for his wife, how could he not, she has been his life for a long time. But that doesn't mean self-condemning to a life of waking up every day knowing what he knows and being unable to get past it, especially with her around to remind him, for the rest of his life.

[This message edited by whatIknowNow at 4:47 PM, August 7th (Friday)]

MickeyBill2016 posted 8/7/2020 17:06 PM

In fact, if it helps make a sale, a broker doesn't generally care.

And with a Mr Big like the affair partner it was probably just an added service.

Fallout by the OBS is the actions have consequences situation. WW has had this affair for 2 years, the OBS has IMO a pretty good reason to be pissed at the WW.
If the WW loses her job (not likely) and a divorce happens the court will look at her earning ability not that she was fired this month for banging a client. If she made X amount of $ for her career it's up to her to get another job. A friend works in Dade county court system and says losing your job is not usually (especially for this kind of situation)a way out of paying support or demanding support.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 5:08 PM, August 7th (Friday)]

ChamomileTea posted 8/7/2020 17:06 PM

There's no mob mentality here, and that's an absurd assertion...

Sounds like a good topic to be debated on another thread.

waitedwaytoolong posted 8/7/2020 17:07 PM

The call should have been made with you on the speakerphone.

ďStop harassing me or I will get a restraining order. Never contact me again.Ē Hang up with no good bye. My guess 6 seconds.

thatbpguy posted 8/7/2020 17:10 PM

thatbpguy, I can agree with everything you said here, every word, and still if I were the husband there would be zero, absolutely zero room for any kind of reconciliation.
Sometimes, the behavior is just a bridge too far, a shit sandwich so big it will never get past the throat and there is simply no staying with someone even in the presence of actual forgiveness.

AHG has made it clear that he still has feelings for his wife, how could he not, she has been his life for a long time. But that doesn't mean self-condemning to a life of waking up every day knowing what he knows and being unable to get past it, especially with her around to remind him, for the rest of his life.

And I agree with this 100%. For me, there's a limit. And this exceeds it.

Thumos posted 8/7/2020 17:59 PM

Sounds like a good topic to be debated on another thread.

It was alluded to here so this is the perfect place to address it.

faithfulman posted 8/7/2020 18:27 PM

I think a good topic for another thread is the defense of AHguy's wife and how sorry she might be and how she might not be so bad and maybe didn't mean it the way it exactly sounds and how to protect her from well-deserved consequences dished out by the woman whose husband she was fucking.

There are some people I agree with almost all the time advising AHguy to tell the other betrayed spouse to stop taking action.

This would not be a wise course of action.

It would be the fastest way to make AHguy the enemy of that righteous, very determined, razor-sharp, and well-resourced woman who is acting well within her rights.

I would not want to be on the wrong end of this woman's ire, I don't know about the rest of you guys!

In fact, advising him to tell the other betrayed spouse to back off divulging this ethical breach at the workplace is against the first piece of advice given out to the betrayed spouse on just about every single Just Found Out thread: EXPOSE!

[This message edited by faithfulman at 6:30 PM, August 7th (Friday)]

AHGuy posted 8/7/2020 19:22 PM

Just wanted to let you know that Iím reading all your comments, some of you suggested I open a new thread sisnce this has reached 50 pages, I will do as soon as I can, Iím sorry Iím extremely busy, I gotta take care of some business before I head to Florida for 10 days tomorrow. I do have an update that I like to share with you and see your take on it.
You guys have been a great support

NuckingFuts posted 8/7/2020 19:28 PM

I think a good topic for another thread is the defense of AHguy's wife and how sorry she might be and how she might not be so bad and maybe didn't mean it the way it exactly sounds and how to protect her from well-deserved consequences dished out by the woman whose husband she was fucking.
There are some people I agree with almost all the time advising AHguy to tell the other betrayed spouse to stop taking action.

This would not be a wise course of action.

It would be the fastest way to make AHguy the enemy of that righteous, very determined, razor-sharp, and well-resourced woman who is acting well within her rights.

I would not want to be on the wrong end of this woman's ire, I don't know about the rest of you guys!

In fact, advising him to tell the other betrayed spouse to back off divulging this ethical breach at the workplace is against the first piece of advice given out to the betrayed spouse on just about every single Just Found Out thread: EXPOSE!

I'm both with you and not. Exposure is absolutely the right thing to do, but sometimes you need a tactical delay. I don't think OBS would have a problem if AHGuy called her up and asked her to hold off on the smackdown until his divorce was done so he didn't get burned for the alimony. I think OBS would see the chance to have her vengeance fall on STBXW the day after the divorce is final as a nice little bonus sucker punch.

NuckingFuts posted 8/7/2020 19:29 PM

Just wanted to let you know that Iím reading all your comments, some of you suggested I open a new thread sisnce this has reached 50 pages, I will do as soon as I can, Iím sorry Iím extremely busy, I gotta take care of some business before I head to Florida for 10 days tomorrow. I do have an update that I like to share with you and see your take on it.
You guys have been a great support

You might as well open it in the divorce forum.

faithfulman posted 8/7/2020 19:40 PM

I'm both with you and not. Exposure is absolutely the right thing to do, but sometimes you need a tactical delay. I don't think OBS would have a problem if AHGuy called her up and asked her to hold off on the smackdown until his divorce was done so he didn't get burned for the alimony. I think OBS would see the chance to have her vengeance fall on STBXW the day after the divorce is final as a nice little bonus sucker punch.

No, you're with me totally. I think that is a fine plan, and positioned that way maybe she would go for it.

The other betrayed spouse has probably already saved him a bunch of money. In this divorce business, he actually is not even at a total disadvantage as he might have been before. He has options. His wife is no longer spending family money on fuck sessions.

He now holds cards he would have never had otherwise. Ahguy owes her his gratitude his peace of mind, and perhaps his sanity, as his wife was gaslighting the shit out of him.

The other betrayed spouse doesn't owe him anything. So backing off of his wife would be a huge favor.

And if the other betrayed spouse says no, AHguy should let it go.

Organic2003 posted 8/7/2020 20:30 PM

I called a close friend whose wife has a close friend who is CEO of a national realty company. So far as I can find, there are no rules or laws that preclude a person with a realtor or broker license from having sex with a client. It's unethical, but not illegal. In fact, if it helps make a sale, a broker doesn't generally care.
The AP's wife could sue the realty parent company or maybe even the broker, but aside from alimentation of affections, I don't know what the claim would be.

AH
I also called a very close friend of mine who is an executive at a very large realtor company.

He took a lot of time to explain realtor law and ethics. The long and short of it is in my state and most likely yours, the broker could let her licence go back to the state (not likely). She would then be free to sign with another broker. Unless she was video taped in a homeowners bed she won't lose her licence.

Pandora16 posted 8/7/2020 20:34 PM

AH, do you have actual evidence that the other BS is trying to ruin your wifeís career, or is it just your wife making that claim? My sense was that your wife was just saying that in order to discredit anything the OBS might be saying ó implying it was revenge motivated rather than fact. I could be wrong on this.

[This message edited by Pandora16 at 9:55 PM, August 7th (Friday)]

Buffer posted 8/7/2020 21:16 PM

Have a good time away, take extra care due to Covid. However; now you know STBX's intentions with the call, her mind set; her family and life.
Hopefully OMW doesn't get your spouse fired, this may have an affect on future alimony if you separate then she is unemployed with no real estate licence.
Do what is right for you, but please start communicating with STBX. There hasn't really been that much between the two of you during this, and this is understandable.
It is impossible to say but try to not focus too much. This time away is for you to get in a good head space.
Take care and one day at a time.
Buffer

faithfulman posted 8/7/2020 21:18 PM

Good luck to you AHguy, I hope when you return to this forum in a new thread, you will have a clearer idea of what you need to set your life back on track.

***

To all who have been participating or wish to participate with following and assisting AHguy on this very difficult journey, his thread continues here:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=648032

[This message edited by faithfulman at 6:39 PM, August 8th (Saturday)]

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