X

Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

more information about cookies...

Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

New Betrayed Husband

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Buffer posted 8/6/2020 21:06 PM

Strength to you in the final throws of this shit show
She may have truly rung for closure after repeatedly being contacted by POS. But she could have blocked the messages.

However; your children are that children, regardless of age. They are to be protected.
Hugs to your daughter but tell her, regardless; she will only ever have one mum. No family fighting.
Donít let this POS destroy their relationship with their mother. He has taken your wife, do not let him ruin the link to her children.
One day at a time
Buffer

[This message edited by Buffer at 10:57 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

rambler posted 8/6/2020 21:14 PM

22 minutes of closure and the closure only came after the Jenny thing. She also did not respond to you until after her talk.

totallydumb posted 8/6/2020 21:59 PM

Donít let this POS destroy the relationship with their mother.

You have enough on your plate. Your STBXW is responsible for her relationship with your/her daughter, it is not your job to go around fixing up her fuck ups.

She will either fix it, or not.

KingofNothing posted 8/6/2020 23:18 PM

Hey, AH. Just letting you know this thread can only go two more pages (fifty pages max). You may have to start another thread at this rate.

Stillbleeding7 posted 8/6/2020 23:23 PM

AH I wasn't trying to say that the Devil made her do it,as I said she did this all of her free will. What I was trying to say is that she did this to you and God. In the past I blamed God for giving me this woman that betrayed me. All I was trying to say was He was betrayed too and that the only times I have been happy and at peace are when I have a closer walk with Him. I pray God hold your hurting heart in His hands to help you heal. Be careful she might be trying to manipulate you with making you think she is unstable. Also I wasn't saying you should stay I think you will heal faster on your own. As far as my words about vows, all I was saying was that when I said my vows I was vowing my pledge not based on her pledge. Yes she broke her vows but I was still good to mine. In your case I didn't know how I could stand her betrayal. And yes the one and only thing that I fist shared every once in a while burns like hell. Stay strong and be of great courage you can make it through this.

Stillbleeding7 posted 8/7/2020 00:33 AM

It was Moses that aloud for divorce but it was for fornication not adultery. The two words are different in the Greek. Also Jesus said that he would allow divorce but He also said that'and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery" I'm not trying to make the arrangement that you can't get married to someone else but it does raise the question. Are we doing what God wants? Also while divorce wasn't in the beginning of Gods plan and mankind fel in sin Jesus came to redeem creation. And yes we still have free will. And Jesus is still looking for the 100 fold return on his Word that He sowed.

Ichthus posted 8/7/2020 01:01 AM

Stillbleeding, plz just stop. I am sure you have good intentions but as I read what you write, There is a sense of "shoulds" and "should not". Which is manipulative in itself.

Why are you working so hard to get someone else to live by your beliefs? Let it go man, let... it... go.

Stillbleeding7 posted 8/7/2020 01:22 AM

I'm sorry I'm not in any way wanting to persuade any one on any thing. I am truly sorry. My attention to detail drive had me answer others response to my posts. And what I really want is to support AH. I am truly sorry. Please forgive me.

Bigger posted 8/7/2020 04:35 AM

One of the SI guidelines:

SI is a support board from the pain of infidelity. We have very few rules here. We have asked in the past to please refrain posting about religious or political beliefs.

Religious input is relevant if the original poster bases his/her decision on religious dogma.
AHGuy doesnít. Heís basing it on the pain of infidelity.

AHGuy Ė My advice would be to talk to an attorney and to get a clear view of what a divorce would look like. Even if there is some ground-breaking change in your wife and you have second thoughts about D then IMHO itís always an advantage to have a good understanding of your options.
Get a realistic best-case, worst-case and probable case scenario.

Freeme posted 8/7/2020 06:22 AM

...Lesson learned never get my kid involved in my shit with my wife.
I agree. But, I've also got to give you a break. Your WW has gotten the kids involved over and over again.--so she was already involved. How could you break that agreement (to her and WW) without telling them why? The problem is that you didn't anticipate the fact that WW betrayed your Daugher too. Calling OM after your DD had worked so hard to get you to agree to the 2 month trial. She had heard and believed her Mom's sob story about how all she wanted was another chance and then... hearing how her mother immedatly called OM was a betrayal to both of you. I'm not saying getting your daughter involved was the best choice but I don't believe you meant for it to go this far. Don't knock yourself out over it.


My wife is insisting that she only called him for closure and she knew it was wrong to do it but she said it was never to get back with him.
I believe this is the direction the conversation went but... the timing of this call is interesting. The fact that she called him after getting your letter? Something in YOUR Letter made it so she HAD to contact him then. Was she testing the waters after hearing what she would need to do to save the marriage? Was planning on keeping him on stand by but the Jenny thing had her questioning his loyality? It wasn't to make sure things had end. She's been reading books about infedlity, she could have written him a "never contact me again" text and included you. Why did she HAVE to call him at that moment?


She also claims that the OBS is looking for revenge and that she told her that she will make sure to ruin her life and career.
Might be true. Might be blameshifting ... I'm guessing the OBS has similar feelings for what your WW did to her life...FOR TWO YEARS.


Iím gonna let her mom know that by the end of next week if she does agree I would have to file base on adultery.
I think this is a good idea. Your WW wants to save face. She wants to be seen as the victum, she wants to be seen as the maryter, as repentive... It will be hard for her to sustain her morally surperior ground if its out that her affair and lies went on for two years.... all of the details of what happened make her seem less like a woman that was taken advantage of more as a person that cheated on her husband and lied to her family for two years.

Is she actually talking about killing herself or is she just very depressed? upset? out of control?

[This message edited by Freeme at 6:26 AM, August 7th (Friday)]

AHGuy posted 8/7/2020 08:42 AM

Things has calmed down a bit this morning after a stormy day yesterday. I had to come home today I've been working on the attorney homework till my wife and her mom came down to talk to me, she begged to give her a chance to explain so I listened to her. here is what she said;
- She fucked up by calling him, she wasn't in her right state of mind, after he had been trying hard to contact her and her ignoring him and after she read my letter to her she wanted to end it with him once for all and threaten him with restraining order as I suggested in my letter. She asked me to go through the recording again in front of her mom and daughter to prove that she didn't call him to restart the A. she said she was adamant to end the affair and to stop all contact with him but he wasn't taking it like he always did in the past. She only questioned his other cheating when he kept insisting that he loved her, she told him she knew that he was lying and had other affairs, she told him she was a fool to believe she was special to him. to which he responded by blaming his wife and that he already told her that he never consider himself married just on papers, that's how Jenny was brought up into the conversation. his reaction after he realized that she wasn't believing his BS was a switch from 0 to 180. I think big part of this is true although i didn't hear her during the conversation but he was pleading till he suddenly had enough and showed his true colors.
- jenny is a single mother that's renting one of his townhouses and hasn't payed rent in almost a year now. I guess my wife just put 2 and 2 together and figured out that Jenny was most likely paying him rent in different ways. so for the first time I have a piece of information I can give to OBS.
- she admitted that she was heartbroken that she wasn't any special to him. but kept saying that she never wanted to be with him and that she was stupid and selfish to fall for it.
- she admitted she is ignorant when it comes to what it would take for a cheating wife to correct things and help me heal but she is willing to educate herself and " move mountains" for me.
-she is willing to give me all the details and answer any questions about the A.
- she said that she wants to apologize to OBS too but rightfully so OBS hates her and is determined to ruin her life. she told me that she tried reaching to her after the exposure to offer her apology and regret but OBS didn't want to hear anything from my wife and told here : "we're not done here, I will show you what regret is" then blocked her number. she believes that OBS wants to get her real estate license revoked by suing her and the real estate company she works for.
I told her OBS has the right to fight back and you were the one who helped ruin her life, as a betrayed spouse i understand her because I myself would love the opportunity to ruin the POSOM's life if I could.
I also told her that D is good for all of us including our children. I assured her that I don't hate her and do not want to hate her one day, that's why I need to leave her, I explained that my lawyer wanted me to file on the ground of adultery but unless I really have to, I rather not tag her with that label. I reminded her that she contemplated divorce herself in the past so the notion isn't new. I explained to her what the lawyer told me about the different types of Divorce and why a consensual D is our best option.
after the conversation she left crying, her mom gave me a big hug that lasted almost a minute then told me me how much she cares about me, I think the fact that she was a betrayed wife herself had something to do with that.
I'm going away for a week or so to distance myself from her, don't know where yet, My brother is looking to see if he can take an "emergecy" vacation from his job and go with me. if he can do it we may go to some beach for week if not I will probably head to Florida to see my old folks.

I recall, your wife was entitled and hypocritical enough to disapprove of your daughter's boyfriend (to his face) because he wasn't 'churched'.

I'm sure the boyfriend keeps reminding your daughter.


Robert, this is another long story, my daughter and her fiance are atheists, my wife has always blamed him for influencing our daughters believes, she told them they will never have her blessing and questioned how a non-believer can get married. she associates good morals with believing in God and they disagree. i guess that's why she believes that her A was caused by the absence of God in her life. when my daughter's fiance learned about my wife's dirty secret he didn't hold bag his grudge and rub it to her face, for him it was a proof that morals and god are 2 separate things. this had caused a rift be tween him and my daughter to a point where they didn't talk to each other for a week or so.
She was seeking "closure" because she still has feelings for him, was jealous and felt betrayed, realized she was just a "cheap ass" and that her option to ride into the sunset with POSOM were NEVER real

Buster, you are very wise. she actually kinda admit it to a lesser degree. she said she was fool to think she was special to him.
Isn't this the same woman who told you she would not fight you on that fake sob letter just a few days ago ? I told you several times her "guilty mode" may not last long, prepare for battle, you already know she's a proven liar and a cheat so don't expect her to be any different during D

yes the very same woman. but I must have wrote it wrong because what she meant is she isn't gonna give up on our marriage till the end
I'm sorry I'm not in any way wanting to persuade any one on any thing. I am truly sorry. My attention to detail drive had me answer others response to my posts. And what I really want is to support AH. I am truly sorry. Please forgive me.

Stillbleeding7, no need to apologize, i have no doubt that you and everyone here are trying to help me the best you can. what you said in an earlier post about how she let me and god down is exactly what she believes and says. she even said that when you ignore Jesus you automatically open the door to the devil to guide your way to hell.


ShutterHappy posted 8/7/2020 09:24 AM

I think CamomileTea was right when she said your WW would focus on the call but your reason for D is the whole story, not just the call.

Your WW story is the typical story of a woman falling for the pretty words of a player. She was slowly getting out of the fog, and when she read about the other affairs, she finally realized how she got played, so no more fog for her.

Note that Iím not trying to excuse her, and proceeding with D is a good plan.

I assured her that I don't hate her and do not want to hate her one day, that's why I need to leave her

That actually makes sense, and it really shows how much of a good man she had and she threw it away for a real POS. That OM is really something else.

Oh, and if your thread reaches 50 pages, you can start a new one with the same title, part 2.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 9:25 AM, August 7th (Friday)]

thatbpguy posted 8/7/2020 09:30 AM

AHGuy, getting away for a while is probably the best thing you can do. Especially if your brother can come to give you, if nothing else, a friendly face to look at.

I also believe your wife about the call. It makes sense to me.

If I had only one question to ask her (if she were my wife) would be how and why this continued for two long years if she wasn't happy in her betrayal. I can understand a month or two. I could understand if they lived hundreds of miles apart and only hooked up a time or two per year. But this was an entire second life she was living. There may be some plausible answers, but I'd be hard pressed to think of any.

Enjoy your time away, let all this continue to process out in your mind. Time away is good for the soul.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 9:31 AM, August 7th (Friday)]

faithfulman posted 8/7/2020 09:46 AM

She asked me to go through the recording again in front of her mom and daughter to prove that she didn't call him to restart the A. she said she was adamant to end the affair and to stop all contact with him but he wasn't taking it like he always did in the past.

Nope. Don't do it. She is still trying to line up people to agree with her to try and bulldoze you into taking a course of action against your own best interests.

I am not going to even comment on her motivations etc. because they are so ridiculous AND make no sense. She is just desperate.

I also told her that D is good for all of us including our children. I assured her that I don't hate her and do not want to hate her one day, that's why I need to leave her, I explained that my lawyer wanted me to file on the ground of adultery but unless I really have to, I rather not tag her with that label. I reminded her that she contemplated divorce herself in the past so the notion isn't new. I explained to her what the lawyer told me about the different types of Divorce and why a consensual D is our best option.

You're a good man. A little too nice for my tastes but you have shown class and kindness in the face of hateful, abhorrent treatment from your wife.


Robert, this is another long story, my daughter and her fiance are atheists, my wife has always blamed him for influencing our daughters believes, she told them they will never have her blessing and questioned how a non-believer can get married. she associates good morals with believing in God and they disagree. i guess that's why she believes that her A was caused by the absence of God in her life. when my daughter's fiance learned about my wife's dirty secret he didn't hold bag his grudge and rub it to her face, for him it was a proof that morals and god are 2 separate things. this had caused a rift be tween him and my daughter to a point where they didn't talk to each other for a week or so.


Your daughter's boyfriend is 100% correct. If this isn't proof I don't know what is.

Your wife (and so many people who cloak their horrible morals in religion) utilizes her supposed faith in place of her morals.

You don't need Jesus or the Bible to tell you fucking your client and humiliating your husband are wrong. All the religion stuff in her behavior is laughable if it wasn't so sad.


she said that she wants to apologize to OBS too but rightfully so OBS hates her and is determined to ruin her life. she told me that she tried reaching to her after the exposure to offer her apology and regret but OBS didn't want to hear anything from my wife and told here : "we're not done here, I will show you what regret is" then blocked her number. she believes that OBS wants to get her real estate license revoked by suing her and the real estate company she works for.
I told her OBS has the right to fight back and you were the one who helped ruin her life, as a betrayed spouse i understand her because I myself would love the opportunity to ruin the POSOM's life if I could.


Your wife wants to do "all the right things" as soon as she is busted and has no choice, isn't that interesting?

Truth be told, she absolutely deserves to be fired, lose her license etc.

If you want to give her some good advice that will help her, it would be to look for other work and quit before she is fired.


***

I'm going away for a week or so to distance myself from her, don't know where yet, My brother is looking to see if he can take an "emergecy" vacation from his job and go with me. if he can do it we may go to some beach for week if not I will probably head to Florida to see my old folks.


This is the smartest move you can make (Don't go to Florida, Coronavirus is blowing up there!).

Get away, find some peace, but also get away from your wife's manipulations. She's looking to undo that which cannot be undone.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 9:49 AM, August 7th (Friday)]

Bigger posted 8/7/2020 09:52 AM

She asked me to go through the recording again in front of her mom and daughter to prove that she didn't call him to restart the A


Why involve your daughter? Your WW seems to want to add a number of people into the decision process for your marriageís future. It should be limited to what she wants, what you want and what agreement you can reach. Iím OK with someone neutral(ish) willing to offer guidance (like your MIL) but at the end of the day the decision lies in what YOU want and think and not in a vote across some board.

Then her need to prove. All thatís needed is what YOU believe. She could broadcast the recording on radio but the only thing that makes any difference is what you believe.

Ps: go fishing. To my knowledge nobody has gotten COVID of a carp or a trout.

[This message edited by Bigger at 9:54 AM, August 7th (Friday)]

ramius posted 8/7/2020 10:17 AM

Interesting how she made time to call her lover, yet in the beginning wanted you to work around her schedule to talk about everything. You donít listen to what they say you watch what they do.

she believes that OBS wants to get her real estate license revoked by suing her and the real estate company she works for

When you tell the OBS about Jenny paying rent on her back, ask her to hold off on destroying your wifeís reputation and business until after the divorce. Otherwise you will have to pay more to your WW.

Tigersrule77 posted 8/7/2020 10:20 AM

AHguy, I hope you have a good time on your vacation.

As far as the phone call, from what you wrote originally, I believe your WW's explanation, but my problem with it is why did you have to hear about it from OBS?

She fucked up by calling him, she wasn't in her right state of mind,

For the first part, if she believed that, why didn't she confess to you and apologize? She could have told you all about this without hiding it.

For the second part, is this supposed to make you feel better about her bad decision? She screwed up, but only because she wasn't thinking right. Well she seems to have not been thinking right for 2+ years and now she is saying that nothing has changed! She just doesn't want to be held responsible for the bad decisions. Also, she thought YOU would never find out!


She asked me to go through the recording again in front of her mom and daughter to prove that she didn't call him to restart the A

I think this is a bad idea. Your DD needs to stay out of your relationship with your WW. You could confirm that your WW wasn't looking to restart the A (i believe that from your information) but she needs to step back. It's nice that she is being supportive of you as the BS, but that is still her mother and it will be better for her to still have some kind of relationship with her (IMO).

- she admitted she is ignorant when it comes to what it would take for a cheating wife to correct things and help me heal but she is willing to educate herself and " move mountains" for me.

She has had a few weeks to start doing this. Has she done anything? Probably and that says a lot.

OBS's anger and revenge are just the consequences of your WW's actions. She will have to deal with it as best she can. She should start by telling her work partners or executives about the threat to the company so they can be prepared and best determine how to deal with it.

I hope you come back from your trip re-energized. It will take some time to heal, but I think you have a bright future in front of you. Focus on yourself and what you want your future life to look like.

Mrhealed posted 8/7/2020 10:25 AM

AH

Infidelity,IMO, has 2 dimensions

1 facts. What she Did, where, how many time, what has been told, etc

2 motivations, why Did she Did ir say something?

Your WW Will try to change by mental gimnŠstica, to justify/explain what she did, not just after DDay bit during the A

Please keep un mind that no one want ti be the bad Guy. She Will try to como with previsiones visiůn of what she has done and her motives. It doesnt Matter any more!!

Let her try to redil her self, as there is no room for you yo be the bad Guy. Let her try to heal her self as you are D any way. There is nothing you can win, besides punishment and revenge, for pointing out her further wrondoings as you are getting D.

In reagard if your Daugther, dont get involved! Your WW lied to her while she was trying to help her!!! Just made you Daugther cristal clear that nothing she has done has determine your decision to D

Mrhealed posted 8/7/2020 10:25 AM

Doubled post

[This message edited by Mrhealed at 10:50 AM, August 7th (Friday)]

Lalagirl posted 8/7/2020 10:26 AM

I agree with what everyone has posted, but wanted to chime in with one thing:

she admitted that she was heartbroken that she wasn't any special to him.

That's a big 'ol dealbreaker right there. She was literally living a double life with no regard for your feelings, but is heartbroken over a man who cheated on his wife with her for two flipping years! I just don't think you can ever come back from that hurt.

Enjoy your time away - a bit of respite will do you a lot of good.

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

© 2002-2020 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy