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New Betrayed Husband

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standinghere posted 7/20/2020 02:55 AM

more than 70000 members

That's right, and we have special membership drives every month .

because this guy is a millionaire, more fun

Ignore the AP, in so much as his specialness, but don't do business with them any more and make sure that you hurt his business as much as possible without hurting your own. Long answer below on why.

Yeah, lots of fun when things get serious I'm sure. FWIW, one of my siblings had his wife leave him for someone who was like this, my brother was Mr. Rock Steady, responsible father, husband, employee, and good earner, still is.

Mr. Fun and Games married the exwife, and they have now been together for 10 years. Fun and Games is no longer Fun and Games, and the exwife had told her brother who is a friend of my brother still how she wondered about if they would ever get back together. My brother told her brother to stop right there, immediately, he had no interest in hearing another word...she's still married but now fishing again.

In my case, I'm a bit crazier than my brother, very good earner, much better than him by quite a bit, not a millionaire, but my wife (FWS) and I never really wanted for much. I hunted, fished, hiked, skied, bicycled, ran, and by virtue of where I grew up could do just about anything I have to do, or figure it out, but I gave up my hobbies to focus on the family as the family grew, focusing on work, family, and activities that my wife could do with me, and little else, I was not unhappy about it either.

I was home every single night.

My FWS, SAHM, cheated with a no-account local dirtbag, who was cheating on his wife (who was also the primary breadwinner), who hunted and fished and ignored his family and his work during the day, basically the very type of guy she despised. Why? He was willing, really nothing more, nothing less.

Yes, it made me feel real special, that after all the hard work, care, sleepless nights with children, struggling with jobs and employers to preserve family time, giving up hobbies and focusing on family, that my wife cheated on me with Mr. Shitbag.

In your case, the Millionaire is nothing more than "willing", it could have been anyone, it could have been a local ne'er do well who was high on meth who came to your house to pick something up, it could have been a local nurse, physician, counselor, engineer, politician, etc.

The AP is not important, their characteristics are not important, what is important is the frame of mind your WS was in, and the availability of AWP (any willing partner). Try to keep that in mind, we tend to focus way to much on the AP, and yet all the work and study of AP's and affairs indicates that the AP is a rather unimportant person in the actual events, they just have to be willing to engage in the secrecy and dishonorable behavior.

she didn't just sleep with him she confessed her love for him,how they miss each other and can't wait to to hold each other, how he made feel special, how they were planning to live together after they dump their spouses when all their kids are out.now she says it was all fantasy, WTF?

Yeah, it was all likely just hype and fantasy, sort of egging each other on to how incredible it all was, ignoring what they were really doing. Unfortunately, this is extremely hurtful when the actual words are found out, but when two liars talk to each other a lot it really doesn't mean much. Actual actions mean a lot.

Affairs are founded on irresponsible, immature, and fantastic behaviors. That is why they die when exposed, the importance of responsible, mature, and reality based behaviors becomes extremely clear.

Take my wife's AP, he tried to keep it going when she ended it, he wanted to "run away together", but my wife had gotten her dose of fantasy and reality was hitting her hard. As I've posted previously, I'm not sure how that was supposed to work with the total of 6 kids between two families with mortgages and the two people who are running away not being breadwinners in their families...perhaps they would convince the mortgages to run away with them? Where do the mortgages run away to, maybe Hawaii, to get a break from the weather here?

AHGuy posted 7/20/2020 10:14 AM

How was the fishing day? I hope it was a great adventure with friends.

Thanks for asking, it was going very good till I got sick and ruined it for everyone. I had more food yesterday that I did in 10 days prior since I found out, and with lack of sleep the excessive heat and few beers I felt dizzy and started trowing up we had to cut our fishing day short. but I had a good day my brother joined us the 5 of us talked about my situation they are not as experienced and wise like the people here but they gave their 2 cents. they are all surprised i didn't file for divorce yet because they know I'm a straight forward guy black or white type of man. they also believe the damage she caused from disrespecting me was too deep to fix. I'm more inclined to go the divorce way after I talked to them. I have many things going my way despite the shitty situation, I was with her for 28 years but I'm only 44 year old, I can still start over but would I ever trust any other woman?
I'm not a millionaire like her AP but we are not poor either, we are way above average, own 2 houses that could be worth more $700K and still make decent money. Divorce shouldn't be devastating since 2 of my kids are adult already, my youngest is still in high school for 3 more years. we will have to split our assets the only problem is I will have to keep my main house because of my business, it is out in the country with plenty of space to park my trucks and vans, it has an old barn that I'm using as storage for parts and equipment, it would be hard to find house like it so if I leave I will have to rent a warehouse or something.
I'm home now after I took care of some stuff, My wife is also working from home today, she came down to the basement not expecting me to be there she was doing laundry and actually cleaned my cloths and work uniforms folded them and put them on my bed, she said Hi and stared at me for few seconds then left, I'm in full 180 even before I read about it, it was the natural reaction for me after I found out. She texted me this:
AHGuy, I understand you are rightfully angry and you have the right to never talk to me anymore, I understand that you can't trust anything I say or type at this moment, I understand that you feel hurt and heartbroken,but I just want to let you know how sorry I'm for causing all that, wish I could take it all back, and I want to let you know that I'm here ready to do anything to make it up for you, Please talk to me or at least text me back , if you need more time I understand that too, Love you

I won't respond to her at all, but she is making it hard for me. I don't want to sound silly but I never realized how much I loved this woman till now, she is probably surprised I haven't divorced her yet, she knows me very well.

[This message edited by AHGuy at 4:34 PM, July 20th (Monday)]

OldNeighbour posted 7/20/2020 10:41 AM

AH, when I read further about the way she treated you, I was physically ill.

I have to reiterate what standinghere said, AP is no special snowfake, just another piece of shit to wipe off your boots as is your wife.

My wife left to find herself, she had a number of EAís. Within a week she was no longer my wife and she didnít even come close to doing the things your wife did to you and your FAMILY.

After 28 years, I imagine she knows you very well. Surprise surprise, you know she will use the love you had for her as a weapon. People have told you a few times already that she will.

Judging from her email, the way she came and just stared at you, feels like there is no remorse. If there was she would be on her knees, crying with snot running, begging forgiveness. Sheís not.

Pull the plug brother and dump her. I understand that it bothers you when people call her what she is, but they are being truthful. The woman you loved and most likely put on a pedestal is gone, replaced by a conniving cheat.

The1stWife posted 7/20/2020 10:52 AM

I want to let you know that I'm here ready to do anything to make it up for you,


A better response would have been to tell you that she IS doing everything she can to make amends. Because I was in your shoes. Dday2 and I was doing the hard 180 and told my H I had no choice to D him.

He heard me but started doing everything and anything he could. He took action. He did it on his own. He didnít quit at the first or second or third or millionth set back.

Too bad your wife thinks doing some laundry is doing something. Too bad sheís not invested in herself and figuring out why she did this and why she was so nasty about it that she resorted to evil actions against you.

My H cheated but he never had a vendetta against me the way your wife did. He did blame his affair in me (or tried to) but at one point I just laughed in his face and he realized his viewpoint was invalid.

As I said earlier - In Fishing Terms sheís now a catch and release.

ShutterHappy posted 7/20/2020 10:55 AM

AHGuy,

Robert put the following comment on page 2 (or 3?):


You may forgive her and continue to love her - and still decide that divorce is in your (and your kids) best interests.

You can start the D process and even change your mind later. The most important part is that you get out of infidelity and take care of yourself!

One day at a time!

Thumos posted 7/20/2020 11:07 AM

I never realized how much I loved this woman till now

Really really important to remind yourself that the person you loved is not who she is. The person in front of you now is who she is.

You loved a construct with a costume and a mask. Thatís not your fault. Youíre a trusting human and you assumed she was an honest broker.

She isnít.

The mask and costume have been removed now and youíre left with this. This person is exactly the kind of woman who will do the one thing guaranteed to break her husbandís heart and make him feel emasculated. Who would pose naked for pictures in another manís bed.

Who would laugh about cuckolding you with another man and would arrange to have you be an unwitting participant in your own humiliating betrayal.


Her: It was a quick fix and heís charging you ass $500
Him: he deserved $5 millions for bringing you to me ( laughing emoji
Her: lol, he does he is a good tech.
Him: he is good husband too he made sure his wife will be warm and cozy when I make love to her the right way
Her : laughing emojis

And after all that she comes down to the basement to stare remorselessly at you.

What kind of cold, calculating creature does that?

Your wife.

jb3199 posted 7/20/2020 11:10 AM

I won't respond to her at all, but she is making it hard for me. I don't want to sound silly but I never realized how much I loved this woman till now, she is probably surprised I haven't divorced her yet, she knows me very well.

Everybody's betrayal is special, because it is their own. Pain is pain, and it is not our place to say that one person's betrayal is 'worse' than someone else's.

But from my years here, I have seen people reconcile from 'worse than', and people divorce from 'less than'. This is your life, and if you want to attempt reconciliation, you will continue to receive support and advice from here. The one thing that you will NOT get from here, is much support if you attempt reconciliation, and your wife is not showing remorse. The goal here is to get OUT of infidelity, and the last thing that we want to see is you attempting to drag your wife through reconciliation when she is not putting in the effort needed. Not saying that this would be the case, but we can definitely warn you of the pitfalls that you need to avoid.

You may discover after some time, that you can't get over the betrayal, and need to divorce. That's okay too. Just don't go into reconciliation until you are ready to fully commit. Let your wife prove during this time that she is a good candidate for reconciliation. Those 28 years prior? They mean very little right now. The CURRENT person standing in front of you is someone that was able to discard her marriage, husband, and children for some disgustingly selfish needs. That shit doesn't get fixed overnight. "I'm soooo sorry; it will never happen again" isn't going to cut it. She needs to move mountains to even start to rebuild any trust. I'm willing to bet that right now, you believe that you will never be able to trust her again. It's HER job to prove otherwise.

M1965 posted 7/20/2020 11:16 AM

AHGuy,

Get yourself a copy of this book and read it:

Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life by Tracy Schorn

You are at a point in life where your children do not need you to 'stay for the kids', because they are grown and almost all out of home. And you are still young enough to part and make a new life for yourself without being weighed down by your wife's actions and baggage.

You wrote:

I have many things going my way despite the shitty situation, I was with her for 28 years but I'm only 44 year old, I can still start over but would I ever trust any other woman?

In terms of trusting another woman, that is something that you will find happens slowly, as a new woman proves herself to you.

In fact, nobody - men or women - should go into a relationship with 100% trust of a new partner. 100% trust may be counter-productive.

However, what nobody who has been cheated on should do is decide that they will never trust another man or woman again. That is an irrational response to being treated badly by one particular person.

Your wife is not all women. There are plenty of decent, trustworthy women out there, particularly when you are in your forties and fifties.

At that age, the women you are likely to meet and date are going to have had relationships with untrustworthy men, they may have been through divorce themselves, and they should have a reasonable idea about what they want out of life.

There are no guarantees in life, but if you enter a relationship with a new woman, what guarantees does she have that you will not cheat on her? The key thing is for both of you to make each feel secure, and to be open and honest with each other.

Do not rush into anything, and if you do meet someone that you like and think has potential as a life-partner for you, do not try to take things too fast. Let them develop at their own pace, naturally.

Also, bear in mind that at this point in your life, you do not have to marry someone new. You can live with them, the two of you can keep your finances separate, etc.

There are many options open to you, AHGuy. Take some time to consider them.

[This message edited by M1965 at 1:49 PM, July 20th (Monday)]

AHGuy posted 7/20/2020 11:27 AM

The goal here is to get OUT of infidelity, and the last thing that we want to see is you attempting to drag your wife through reconciliation when she is not putting in the effort needed. Not saying that this would be the case, but we can definitely warn you of the pitfalls that you need to avoid.

I don't know what you mean by getting out of infidelity but i assure you I was never in one, and would not accept it either. I don't know what would take for me to consider reconciliation but I know for sure I won't drag her to it if she isn't fully 10000% in it.
A better response would have been to tell you that she IS doing everything she can to make amends

I'm not giving her a second of my time to do that, for me 180 was my natural reaction since day 1.

Mrhealed posted 7/20/2020 11:47 AM

AHguy

I would like yo bring tour attetion to a couple of things that cut my eye.

It is a common topic on the WW forum ti explain how a WS is able to have an afair by living 2 different lives: the realone with resposabilities and family; and the affair as a fantasy one. It is explain because the WS is able to compartmentalize them. In your case IMO It is not, as your wife was able to mix the afair with her real life by making you go fix the OM House. So she was fully aware if what she was doing, and risking.

Other things, at least in my book, when you love and care for soneone, one of the things you do naturally is to protect this person any time and from anybody. Your wife by letting OM make a joke about how she made you go fix the House to deliver your wife to OM, IMO, shows that she didnt and doesnt care about you!!

The oposite if love is not hate, is indiference. And I believe your WW actions sopeaks loud alot of It.

For all the above, I think you are her Palm B! Maybe she is buying time to figure out how yo be with OM; or OM dumped ver. Any how I think that she is sad that ver actions hurted you, but not for risking you.

Have you asked if OM dumped her? Or why she wants to be married yo you?

I al not questioning if she is a bad person, she seems to be not, but her motives to save her marriage. Os It to save face infront her kids, Friends, etc? Is she un it for good or until the real plan A apeares??

Ask your self, what would happened if OM were for real, willing to divirce his wife for yours... I think you know the answer

She has a lot to explain, but ask tour self if it worth it or even if you care

In the text you have, do they talk about you and the other BS?

Do you know if OM is getting divorce?

Do you know if your WW is stil talking to OM?

If OM is getting divorce your WW may be buying time...

Sorry for the gramma, english is not my fisrt language

Good luck

Mrhealed posted 7/20/2020 11:52 AM

Do you think is her firt affair?

Seems like you blindy trusted her

I al asking becasue she is not the person you married, this is other person you dont know.

You may love the person you thougth she was, but It not real

Mrhealed posted 7/20/2020 11:52 AM

Do you think is her firt affair?

Seems like you blindy trusted her

I al asking becasue she is not the person you married, this is other person you dont know.

You may love the person you thougth she was, but It not real

VinST posted 7/20/2020 11:54 AM


44 years old & financially stable! you still have oodles of time on your hands!
Better start afresh so you can make use of every one of those years.

You don't want to waste your time trying to Reconcile for a year or two only to realize this person is a cold heated calculating person who humiliated you in such a fashion. Now you know the real person you married... And this is not the person you loved for 28 years. That person is long gone.

fooled13years posted 7/20/2020 11:55 AM

AG, I understand the black and white way you think as in many areas I think the same way but:

I'm more inclined to go the divorce way after I talked to them

Whether you decide to Divorce or try to Reconcile that decision must be based on what is best for you.

It is always good to reach out to receive opinions from others who have experienced something similar to what you have experienced but at the end of the day it is your life and no one else's.

I am glad that you have friends IRL that are available to listen and help.

squid posted 7/20/2020 12:29 PM

AH,

For anonymity sake, you should go back to your previous post and edit out your real names.

If your WW found out you were on this site, she would be able to recognize your posts and use this information to her advantage. It has happened several times before.

This is supposed to be your safe space. Don't tip your hand that you're on here.

Kaliber posted 7/20/2020 12:33 PM

AHGuy:
I don't know what would take for me to consider reconciliation but I know for sure I won't drag her to it if she isn't fully 10000% in it.

AHGuy, it's you choice, if you want to R or D, like others have pointed out and you as well she has to be 10000% in it, and we will help you!

However, be careful, the last thing you want at your age is to reconcile for couple of years (it takes 3-5 years) just to find out it's not working for you.

True reconciliation has a very very low success rate, so you have to do it right to make it work, it's a long and a very painful journey, ask your self, is this marriage after what she did worth saving?!!

You need to know what you are reconciling for exactly.
For example, you can start by asking her if this is her first affair? if she says yes, then ask her if she is ready to take a polygraph to back that up, and watch her reaction, because at this point, you really don't know your wife, or maybe you thought you knew her.

Another example: is she ready to quit her job/business for you!

Know this, you are 44 y/o , you will find beautiful and faithful women in there early and mid 30s that will kill for a man like you!


squid:
For anonymity sake, you should go back to your previous post and edit out your real names.

If your WW found out you were on this site, she would be able to recognize your posts and use this information to her advantage. It has happened several times before.

This is supposed to be your safe space. Don't tip your hand that you're on here.

AHGuy please do that

[This message edited by Kaliber at 12:39 PM, July 20th (Monday)]

Bor9455 posted 7/20/2020 12:49 PM

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:00 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

Newlifeisgreat posted 7/20/2020 12:50 PM

It seems like you are definitely heading in one Direction. And there is nothing wrong with that. For many people simple infidelity is a dealbreaker, not to mention her disrespecting by fixing the heat for her love nest!!!!

I just want to let you know that once you make the final decision, and you actually tell the lawyer, ďok, file as soon as possible.Ē, it will feel like the weight of the planet immediately falls off your shoulder!!!!

Also, donít let fear of the unknown cause Paralysis!! While I wonít speak for everyone, I can tell you that the other side is incredible!!! But I too had the respect and support of all my friends and family!!

I too had older kids when my ex cheated. For me there was never a question. I was talking to lawyers before she knew that I knew. Looking back, I canít tell you how happy I am that she didnít do this 5 or 10 years before! I would have been in much worse shape.

I just want to wish you luck.

Sounds like your friends and family have good heads on their shoulders and are there for you. Donít be afraid to continue to use them! That is what family and friends are for!! Wouldnít you want to be there for them if they were in need? Of course you would!!!

Good luck
Stay strong
And do what you know you should to be able to look yourself in the mirror!

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 12:54 PM, July 20th (Monday)]

Thumos posted 7/20/2020 13:06 PM

The others are pretty standard fare, but if you give her some of that as requirements, it will help her to see what she has to do in order to even try to reconcile.

The SOP lists are very helpful and you should follow that advice.

Right now though she's not providing much evidence of being a remorseful spouse who gets it, who really understands the depths of the toxicity that infidelity brings into a family.

What may be a bigger issue are things like posing naked for him and openly dishonoring you with raw contempt with things like the heater episode. I get triggered just reading about it. I can't imagine how horrible it must be to know about it and be living it. She's going to have to Herculean work to heal you from those things. Does she have it in her? Do you?

thatbpguy posted 7/20/2020 13:32 PM

Hello. I have been reading just your posts (due to time) and a few things I'd like to add (that have probably been said before):

1. The 180 doesn't necessarily mean you don't so much as look or talk to her. It's more of a way to distance yourself and letting her know that your joy is no longer derived at all from her. That you will seek happiness in other ways and from other people. Be polite, but not necessary to engage in any long conversations. The 180 isn't a form of "I hate you". It's "I don't need you."

2. I would still file and have her served. It shows her your seriousness. It doesn't mean you need to go thru with a divorce, but that the option is now officially on the table.

3. If she really is a genuine and devout Christian woman, I would think she would be moving heavens and earth to make amends, help you heal, fix herself and try and seek R.

4. Speaking of her religion, does the church know? If so, they might reach out to her and try and help her (and you). Not that you need to tell them, but just wondering.

5. Continue to get strength from the kids, friends and stay healthy. It does take 3-6 months to go thru the initial stages of betrayal. It's a hell of a tough journey, so be patient and strong.

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