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New Betrayed Husband

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Thumos posted 8/4/2020 13:00 PM

She clearly regrets and seems to be working on remorse. She seems to be willing to seek atonement.

I;m sorry I don't see this at all, and neither do the majority of other posters. I know we're all people operating from a good faith effort here to try to help AH.

So you're obviously entitled to your opinion. But I think it flies in the face of empirical evidence we've been provided.

His WW's "atonement" for more than 700 days of willful, sinful decisions is an anodyne half-baked version of moralistic therapeutic deism based on trite song lyrics without any real work or discipleship at all.

She wrapped her half-hearted to-do list in a stinky fish wrapper of blameshifting, minimization and rationalizations.

Then she had the gall to sic the church community on him in a push to make him the scapegoat for her sins.

No. Just no.

One more time: forgiveness is for you, AH, and it should not be conflated or confused with needing to stay with your broken WW who is demonstrating regret (I feel bad bc I got caught) and NOT remorse and certainly not any kind of substantive metanoia.

[This message edited by Thumos at 1:03 PM, August 4th (Tuesday)]

Unsure2019 posted 8/4/2020 13:08 PM

AH,

Iíve been following your thread and even though this is incredibly painful, I think youíre staying strong and doing really, really well. I have just a couple of comments/suggestions.

I really question your WW springing the church members on you without first discussing it. Just one more example of her trying to control you and the narrative.

Also, if you sit her down to answer questions, I would tell her that Itís non-negotiable that she tale a polygraph. She may not know you would be limited to three of four questions, and I would tell her you intend to ask about other affairs, how she really felt about OM, If she was planning to leave you, and maybe even if the sex was better/more exciting with the OM. Her reaction to this will tell you volumes. There have been a lot of times here where the WW has come clean Ė either right then or in the parking lot.

Stay strong and know that youíll come out of this and that you are young enough to create a much more fulfilling relationship than you have now or could really ever have with WW in the future.

Organic2003 posted 8/4/2020 13:12 PM

we meet at a restaurant that our cheating spouses used to go to she promised me a surprise gift

You do know that this whole affair is more likely to get worse before any chance of getting better. Your wife has yet to give you a timeline or tell the whole story.

You might want to ask you wife to come completely clean NOW. This is likely bad ugly news and your wife should be the one to present it first. Do not tell her about the meeting or the surprise gift. Just expect her to come clean.

I hope she hasn't met with him again, I can imagine your anxiety for the next several hours.

Brace yourself AH, tonight is likely to hurt and tear into you again.

The back side of a storm is often worse than the front side. Everything is already weak from the damage.

[This message edited by Organic2003 at 1:45 PM, August 4th, 2020 (Tuesday)]

beenthereinco posted 8/4/2020 13:27 PM

I would not tell your WW you are meeting this woman, No way, no how. She will tell the AP, he will stop her or show up and then its a shit show. Just go. Be prepared that this "gift" is going to be something that you don't really want but have to have. It is most likely additional evidence and detail on the extent of the affair but really you'd like to have that I'm sure even if its painful.

Thumos posted 8/4/2020 13:57 PM

AH, if you're like me, you want the truth, the whole truth and noting but the truth.

I'd say meet with OBS and get the whole truth.

OBS probably has heard or perhaps even read how your WW is providing blameshifting justifications and minimizing.

Don't tell your WW. Shock and awe is always the best route in these situations.

Be prepared to be additonally shocked. Go in with an attitude that given her two year affair, really nothing should surprise you at this stage.

toby posted 8/4/2020 14:01 PM

Be careful when meeting up with OBS. Be aware of your surroundings always!

Maybe itís just me, but something just doesnít feel right.

BeyondRage posted 8/4/2020 14:20 PM

Oh one point

If you ask your wife questions one of the best prepped ways would be to follow the way Walloped did with his 100 mammoth session

AH , our ďfriendĒ UNDERCOVER who sent this to you left out one little fucking detail. Walloped wife answered every fucking detail and then PASSED completely a polygraph test.
He did NOT take her answer on his major concerns as truth without verification

Her ambush on you was just another attempt at manipulation and about as disrespectful as it gets. If she was going to attempt that and wasnít only concerned about herself she would have asked or told you they would be there

One question you to ask the OBS is if she has any evidence they are talking or have seen each other .

Donít come back from the meeting as say ďI didnít askĒ

SlapNutsABingo posted 8/4/2020 14:30 PM

Go in with an attitude that given her two year affair, really nothing should surprise you at this stage.

After finding out she had him fix the heating unit in a cabin, so it would be more comfortable for her to get plowed like a corn field by the AP there, he's got some callouses built up....

Thumos is right though.

[This message edited by SlapNutsABingo at 2:32 PM, August 4th (Tuesday)]

WilliamM posted 8/4/2020 14:32 PM

His WW's "atonement" for more than 700 days of willful, sinful decisions is an anodyne half-baked version of moralistic therapeutic deism based on trite song lyrics without any real work or discipleship at all.

Flameo, Thumos, Flameo

Buster123 posted 8/4/2020 14:46 PM

I agree this was set up by your WW, the second you told her you were filing for D she set this ambush in motion, but there's a very good chance (most likely) the Pastor helped bring the church cavalry together, this ambush is just another example of why a VAR could prove useful, she's using all the tools at her disposal including the entire church congregation and so should you, use the VARs, the VAR is a useful tool that has stood the test of time, it could provide unfiltered first hand valuable info, if I was you I would make sure they're in place ASAP, before you sit her down to ask the questions and then retrieve the info a couple of days later.

ChamomileTea posted 8/4/2020 14:47 PM

...when i got home last night a bunch of people from our church were there to talk to me. an elderly couple and 3 other women...

I'm sorry, but all that would do is solidify my choice to divorce. It's RAW manipulation and it's done at YOUR expense. We've all been in lock-down for COVID-19, but I suppose your WW is special and can confer immunity wherever she deigns.
Were these people wearing masks? Were they maintaining social distancing? Did they stay outside your home? This is way worse than when she sent your daughter in to manipulate you into talking to her. And yes... there's an embarrassment factor to it as well, because now who knows how much of your church community knows your business??

I get that your WW doesn't want a divorce now that she's been exposed and she's out in the open. But you've told her that's what YOU want. So, once again, your needs are secondary to hers. And while I agree that most WS's don't have the information they need and are quite likely to mess things up more before they start "getting it", your WW has had several weeks to research now. And that is, if we don't consider the TWO YEARS she might have spent looking in to it And yet... this is what she does.

Manipulation is another trait that we associate with waywardness... no different than lying or cheating. It's all designed to control you and to prevent you from utilizing your own agency. So, instead of digging herself out, she's digging further in.

I get it. You've known her since she was a kid so maybe it doesn't seem so bad from your POV. From here though... hell, if it was me, I'd file tomorrow. Part of the injury as BS's is that our WS tried to control us, denied our agency, denied us the right to vote with our feet. This is something that I find myself to be completely intolerant of today. A WS can't claim they understand how bad their actions were if they CHOOSE to continue engaging in those kind of actions. And maybe "manipulation" is too tempting a tool, but it seems to me that the first step of proving that they "get it" should be demonstrating enough empathy with their BS to understand that ambushing them with the church group is a bad plan.

I'm sorry that happened to you.

ShutterHappy posted 8/4/2020 14:53 PM

there's an embarrassment factor to it as well, because now who knows how much of your church community knows your business??

The WW should be embarrassed, AH has nothing to be embarrassed about.

Michigan posted 8/4/2020 14:58 PM

My wife is acting like we are in R, she is trying to be open with me with what she is doing.

AHGuy

Your wife canít believe that you could divorce her after all the effort she put in. When she finally gets it through her head that it actually going to happen, she will be pissed.

I had to remind her that I'm not there yet and don't think I will ever get there.

AHGuy


It doesnít matter how many times you say this.

Itís illogical but she will consider herself the one that was betrayed.

The way she looks at it is that all of her efforts should have rebalanced the scales. Therefore youíre now the jerk for not agreeing to R.

Be ready.

HellFire posted 8/4/2020 15:30 PM

Maybe itís just me, but something just doesnít feel right.

It's not just you.

Part of me is wondering OM hasn't been promising to do anything and everything to get a chance from his wife..and to test that, OBS has told him he must apologize to you..in person.

The location..the surprise gift..my spidey senses are tingling.

Can you bring a buddy with you? One that will support you,and get you out of there before OM offers a bullshit applpgy?

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:31 PM, August 4th (Tuesday)]

BeyondRage posted 8/4/2020 15:43 PM

If I was a betting man Iíd bet this meeting has nothing to do with OM apologizing to AH. You really think this guy who was threatening his wife with destruction is going to apologize in person to some guy ten years younger who might just break his neck . ?
Rather Iíd think that OBS will give him more damaging information that she has . I wouldnítĒt be surprised if she turns over photos of them together after DDay which if sheís divorcing him might be why
Remember, he was contacting AH s wife after DDay

ChamomileTea posted 8/4/2020 15:46 PM

I talked to the other wife to let her know about my plan to file for Divorce and ask about more details of her POS husband's Affairs, she was busy and wanted to meet with me face to face later today and suggested we meet at a restaurant that our cheating spouses used to go to she promised me a surprise gift, I agreed so we'll meet there at 7:00 PM. it sounds like she is divorcing her POS husband too. I wonder what kind of gift she got for me and why she insists on that restaurant.

My first thought is that she is bringing you a copy of her PI's report, or possible evidence of further contact after DDay.

Thumos posted 8/4/2020 15:48 PM

Rather Iíd think that OBS will give him more damaging information that she has . I wouldnítĒt be surprised if she turns over photos of them together after DDay which if sheís divorcing him might be why
Remember, he was contacting AH s wife after DDay

Agree with BR. Also in what possible universe would OBS think a "surprise" visit with the OM is going to go well? Nah, it's some more evidence that confirms the depth and profundity of the affair or shows she still up to those same ol' WW shenanignans

paboy posted 8/4/2020 15:50 PM

I can't see any ambush in meeting with obs. Heck, this is the POS third time around the block.

If there are any spider sensors going off, I would think that she must have something really'special' to show you.

HellFire posted 8/4/2020 15:52 PM

Do I really think this man would apologize? Not sincerely. But this man is mega rich,and he's faced with losing half,if not more, of his wealth. That may cause him to apologize, if he's trying to convince his wife to give him another chance.


Most likely,no. That's not what is happening. But my suggestion that he bring a buddy,just in case, stands.

AHGuy posted 8/4/2020 15:53 PM

I read all your comments just canít replay to all at this moment. OBS is acting weird she called 3 times confirming our ďdateĒ then offered to pick me up form my house, I told her I rather drive my own vehicle, then texted me an address and asked if I could pick her up so we ride together, the place weíre going to is in a city about an hour away and she doesnít want to drive by herself. I m starting to have doubts about this woman so we will see what this is all about, she promised I wonít be disappointed.
The church people that came yesterday didnít seem to be concerned about the Corona virus, I know a word spreading among the church goers that the virus is nothing but a hoax. The elderly couple are at least in their 70s they should be more concerned specially that Iím a guy that travels a lot a sees a lot of different people, their story is sooo bad the worst Iíve heard, Iím actually amazed how he was able to forgive her

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