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New Betrayed Husband

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AHGuy posted 8/3/2020 09:32 AM

If she's ever going to be willing to answer all those questions, the best time to ask is NOW while she's in "guilty mode" and "letting Jesus take the steering wheel of her life", again that may not last long,

Buster and UnderCover, I think youíre right. I can ask her Iím just afraid that this would send her a wrong message. I donít want to give her any false hope of R, I donít see how I can tell her Iím 99% sure I want to divorce you but I need you to tell me everything. I will try.

When are you going to talk to her about the plan?

I know this may be difficult to believe, but you are doing well.
Continue to hang in there and be strong. Keep you eye on the prize, which is escaping from this hell that she put you in, with a little additional pain as possible.

Also, have you talked to POSOMís wife lately?


Newlifeisgreat, you name gives me hope, and thanks for your kind words, if you guys think Iím handling it right so I will have to believe it even if I see myself struggling.
I did talk to her about my plans yesterday, I told her I want an amicable divorce, I explained to her that it was for both of us since to her I wasnít good enough and to me I wonít be able to trust her. So she already knows my plan I just need to start talking to her about how we gonna do it.
Your other question, I havenít talked to the POSOM wife since last week, someone here mentioned that I should let her know about my plan to divorce, I agree she deserves to know. After all I owe her lot.
Thereís a few common patterns for cheaters. If you read, say the ďhostileĒ thread, the WW is the un remorseful WW who will gladly express how good the sex with the OM is, at the dinner table, in front of the kids. . You donít have one of those (complete lack of empathy).

Your WW is either the type of cheater that let herself fall for a player (and now waking up to reality), or the type that is constantly seeking validation with everything that moves (the ďserialĒ cheater). But she does try to fix her mess, even if sheís not really good at it. Whether sheís genuine or not, I do not know.


ShutterHappy, I see what you mean, she is not the worst WW in the world , she isnít a serial cheater and didnít tell me the sex with OM was good in front of my kids a a dinner table, I feel horrible for that man by the way, she actually says it wasnít about the sex and her email she said I was superior. Iím not saying that I am believing her just that at least she wasnít cruel like that guyís WW.
With that being said, the fact that she isnít the worst case of WW doesnít mean much at this time. Does it?
And I guarantee she doesn't believe you,that the OM had other affairs. I mean, after all, she broke it off with him, and he is still attempting contact. She's special. Either you are lying, or his wife is, but she knows him better than either of you. What they had was real,it was special. That's why there has been no response to all of that. Because she doesn't believe it.

Hellfire, what you wrote make sense, thatís the only way I can explain why she avoided the subjects. Add to that she said that she was lying to him too so she believes that the POSOM has feelings for her and she felt bad lying to him too.
I will ask her for sure what she thinks about that but not till I ll see if I can get more information from his wife .
Bigger: thanks for the advice, my plan is to workout an agreement by the end of September, that will give me time to think and arrange things like a place for me to stay, and also will fulfill my promise to my daughter.

steadychevy posted 8/3/2020 09:36 AM

I lost my virginity with my XWW. She wasn't a virgin. I could live with that. What I wanted and believed was that from then on I would be her only. That didn't happen. Apparently that didn't happen before we wed either. It is something that meant something to me. I had opportunities (and a high sex drive) but control. It's a big deal to me. I can't see how it wouldn't be.

thatbpguy posted 8/3/2020 09:43 AM

AHGuy, first let me say two things.

1. For me personally, I could never R if my wife had a LTA. The longer it goes the more I would see the lack of love or respect for me, as well as our family.

2. Yet we are all different. You are very early in the process. Some people can forgive more then me.

If, and I say IF, out of respect for not having to go thru a divorce and believing that in some cases R can happen, I would say to take your time. You still have a lot to process.

I cannot recall if it was this site, or another site, or if I was told this in person, but there was a man in his 80's. Fairly early in their marriage, his wife had betrayed him badly and he wanted to be rid of her ASAP- and so he did. After 6 or 9 months he started thinking of her and missing her a bit (as well as the kids) and then it became a few years. At that time the scars had scabbed over well and he flat out missed her and wanted to explore the possibility of rekindling their relationship. He contacted her and found out she was engaged to be married. She waited for him for 2 years before giving up hope. Now he is old and lonely, and wishes they had R.

All this to say, let your emotions play out but don't intentionally shut out the possibility of R if such feelings and thoughts arise within you. Like I said, I couldn't after a LTA, but I'm not you and neither is anyone else.

Anyway D or R, I wish you well.

[This message edited by thatbpguy at 9:47 AM, August 3rd (Monday)]

ShutterHappy posted 8/3/2020 10:01 AM

With that being said, the fact that she isnít the worst case of WW doesnít mean much at this time. Does it?

I agree. People haveD for a whole lot less too.

The short version of my story is that my WW was working in a hotel and was providing patron(s) extra benefits, and it was 100% my fault because I ďdidnít love herĒ.

I eventually divorced and, as my name imply, Iím quite happy now. WhenI say youíll be fine, I speak from experience.

BeyondRage posted 8/3/2020 10:15 AM

AH,

There are a lot of well meaning folks analyzing your wife in clinical terms and determining she is this or that. No one knows!!!

You keep saying ' I DIDN'T ASK" Whether you divorce or reconcile you should take those words for now out of your vocabulary.

When you signed the papers for your home mortgage, if i had asked you what the interest rate was would you have replied "I didn't ask???

When you put in a bnid for a big job and get the job, if I asked you what it entails, would you respond, "I didn't ask???

If you went to the doctor and told you that you needed a serious operation, if I asked you on what body part, would you reply I don't lnow because I didn't ask????

Whatever you decide as final course of action, you DO NOT in six months want to be saying to yourself "I'm not sure I made the right decision because I didn't ask and don't know the answer to that"

All you do know is she's been fucking another guy every chance she got for two years, using girls night out as a major cover, and that six years ago she started to exhibit behavior that would certainly attract other men.

I would think that if you are at some point even considering R that you might want to know if in those four years she had other boyfriends or not.
I'd stop worrying about how she feels about OM fucking other women. Why do you give a shit about that.???

I would think at some point if you consider R you might want to know if she is still talking to him or has seen him despite her pleas to you.

And if you get past this "I didn't ask" thing, you would want to figure out how you can prove what she is telling you is the truth.

You do not have to commit to anything. All you have to do is ask the damm questions, and then tell her to polygraph to prove its not a lie.
Or you can believe what she tells you as fact which I believe most here would tell you is not wise.

It doesn;t matter now what if any personality disorder she has. and no one here can predict with certainty what she is going to do. But what is more likely to make your MAJOR decision more difficult and confusing is if you have no fucking idea what she did or did not do for six years and is or is not doing now.

And yes, tell the OBS what you are doing .

beenthereinco posted 8/3/2020 11:21 AM

Don't worry about giving her false hope about reconciliation. Don't promise anything at all but tell her that you need the truth to move forward in any direction and as BeyondRage says ASK THE QUESTIONS. Then verify what she says in whatever way you can and don't trust anything you can't verify. You will look back later and wish you had no matter what happens. If she wants to make this right then she has to be willing to tell the truth. Point out to her that even in the Bible Jesus says that sinners have to repent (i.e. admit what they have done wrong) and then sin no more. She needs to admit to all she has done to you.

The1stWife posted 8/3/2020 11:30 AM

You donít want to be down the road in 3-6 months still not having asked whatever you wanted. You need to bring up everything now. So you are clear in k Leo g as much as you need to know.

Will you get 💯% of the truth? Probably not. But you can get as much as you can that answers all your questions and leaves you with less lingering doubts.

Westway posted 8/3/2020 12:35 PM

AH you're doing great man, even though I know you are hurting like hell. If divorce is what you need to do then do it. No one here can argue that your WW's actions don't merit it.

My primary reason for divorcing my WW was not the thought of her serial cheating and multiple affairs. If she had really wanted to work with me to save the marriage and promised me she would address her issues, and if she had moved heaven and earth to do everything she could to prove to me she could be a safe partner for the next four decades... EVEN THEN I would still choose divorce.

The main reason I chose divorce was because I did not want to be that guy who wakes up every morning and looks in the mirror and sees a man he doesn't respect looking back at him. I would have to have sacrificed my self respect, and I just wasn't willing to do that.

Commanche1 posted 8/3/2020 15:15 PM

AHguy, you have gotten a lot of advice so far. here's my two cents. you should be aware of the five stages of grief, Denial Anger Bargaining Depression and Acceptance, you should attempt to not mix alcohol,(a depressant) with depression. and you should make no permanent decisions in anger or haste,You should gather any information you can get so that your decisions are informed ones. Your Wife had an affair, she did not stop, she did not confess, she blamed you and sought to be the victim, she admits if the shoe were on the other foot she would kill you and yet she seeks mercy, any consideration you give her would be a gift that she neither deserves or could ever hope to repay. all these things are now in your hands and only your hands to decide what you will, that's the only gift you've got. prayers to you Brother

NuckingFuts posted 8/3/2020 17:19 PM

And I guarantee she doesn't believe you,that the OM had other affairs. I mean, after all, she broke it off with him, and he is still attempting contact. She's special. Either you are lying, or his wife is, but she knows him better than either of you. What they had was real,it was special. That's why there has been no response to all of that. Because she doesn't believe it.

Hellfire, what you wrote make sense, thatís the only way I can explain why she avoided the subjects. Add to that she said that she was lying to him too so she believes that the POSOM has feelings for her and she felt bad lying to him too.
I will ask her for sure what she thinks about that but not till I ll see if I can get more information from his wife .


Given that some of us think she started cheating 6 years ago she may have blown that question off because her cheat count is equal or higher so she didn't think it was a big deal.

HalfTime2017 posted 8/3/2020 17:30 PM

AHguy, I wonder if Gibraltar is your wife. That is a new member on this board with only 3 post. The post are odd and repeatedly ask you what it would take for you to get over this and R? Just seems strange that a new member would jump in and ask that question.

I will also add, that I'm glad you saw and read JLarsons thread. I was going to point you to that one. Its one of many, even though he has Reconciled, you can see its not all roses and unicorns. I'd say reading his thread, there is a lot of honesty in what he says. He made the tough choice to stay for the kids. Only he knows if that was and is still the right choice for him. I'd suggest you look around some more. Many Many Betrayed Husbands D successfully and have moved on to happier days. People are concerned with what will happen financially and if they will be alone forever. You already know you're going to be fine financially and the rest of us here are here to tell you that you will be fine and happy again. You will if you want, find love again. Like the rest of us. Its really shitty right now, but you will come out of this more knowledgable about yourself, and what you will and will not tolerate. You will if you want meet a new woman, who never cheated on you, put you down, disparaged you, had sex with another man while you had no fucken clue. That shit never goes away, but at least you can start anew and not have those triggers.

You're doing great, I'd suggest you keep going. Build up your relationship with your kids, as it seems that at least with you boy, its a bit strained. Keep your focus on the kids, and your recovery. You've moving down the D-train, but you can always pull the plug. But what you're going to find is that the further away you get, and if you can keep up NC and the 180, you'll be better fit to heal and move away from infidelity. Then, when you look back at your WW, you'll realize that for the past 6 yrs, she made you the enemy. She planned and cheated on you. She may even have hoped to leave for a richer man, and than you tell yourself, damn, glad I had this chance to get the fuck out. Stay the course, your life will get better. Like the rest of us.

nekonamida posted 8/3/2020 19:14 PM

Buster and UnderCover, I think youíre right. I can ask her Iím just afraid that this would send her a wrong message. I donít want to give her any false hope of R, I donít see how I can tell her Iím 99% sure I want to divorce you but I need you to tell me everything. I will try.

AHG, it's not about her and her feelings. She pretended to be a faithful wife for 2 years and possibly longer. In fact, she's done a lot of pretending and allowing you to come to false conclusions over the last 6 years. If she reads into your questions a bit, so what? Who cares? If you feel like the answers would help you to move on then go for it. YOUR NEEDS come first now. Not her feelings.

masti posted 8/3/2020 19:30 PM

AHG people are right, itís not about her anymore. At the moment there is no remorse only regret that her carefully cultivated image has been broken. However everyone is redeemable and maybe she might get there. But this whole journey is about you and how you will survive this dagger embedded in your heart.
Let her know that regardless of the future you need to know all details. Not for revenge but for your own healing. She owes you that much after being unfaithful to you, her family, OMís wife and her so called Faith. As with any disease you can only heal once you know what is wrong.

Jman posted 8/3/2020 20:45 PM

AHGuy,

Anytime you are worrying about your wifeís feelings remember this is the same person that dragged you two hours away to fix a furnace so she could humiliate you and bang her boyfriend. I wouldnít be too concerned about giving her false hope. She wasnít too concerned about ripping your heart out. Stay strong.

ramius posted 8/3/2020 21:59 PM

This^^^^^^^

IMO....WS that orchestrate events to bring their lovers and BS together are in a special kind of sick category.

Give them as much consideration as they gave you.

Newlifeisgreat posted 8/4/2020 00:08 AM

HalfTime2017,

Nice catch with Gibraltar!!!

Can you imagine if it was actually her?????

I get that she is desperate to try s as Nd save her marriage, but if Gibraltar was his wife, she is only proving the worst traits about herself!!! She would be once again sneaky behind his back, doing her best to manipulate this poor guy, for her own extremely selfish reasons!!!!!

If AHGuy discovered that it was his wife, I think even the slightest chance of reconciliation would disappear IMMEDIATELY as she has confirmed the worst parts of herself, and I think even AHGuy would have to admit that she would remain a sneaky, heartless woman who would do anything to get what she wants!!! What other people want and need be damned!!

masti posted 8/4/2020 02:34 AM

IMHO nobody goes back for bad sex even when they are paying off ego kibbles with sex. After a certain time they begin to enjoy it, the body floods with dopamine after sex, the part of your brain in charge of your logical reasoning skills temporarily goes on vacation. Not just the cheaters, everyone gets this kick and for some the illicit kick is a bigger turn on.
Actually I found her reason for the first time a lot more cruel than the heater incident. By the heater incident she was an equal partner of the pos om but the first time she initiated it. Nothing would have happened if she had used her anger to go for a ten mile run or organise a church event but she chose to betray.

Buffer posted 8/4/2020 05:40 AM

True masti
Buffer

AHGuy posted 8/4/2020 07:01 AM

I'm writing this while the Isaias Tropical storm is literally at my back yard, they are calling of 6" of rain within the next few hours and gusty wind for most of the day. so I had to cancel all work and I'm stock at house with my WW and my 2 sons. it will be perfect for me to work on my basement improvement , I'm thinking about building a kitchenette. 2 important things happened last night. I talked to the other wife to let her know about my plan to file for Divorce and ask about more details of her POS husband's Affairs, she was busy and wanted to meet with me face to face later today and suggested we meet at a restaurant that our cheating spouses used to go to she promised me a surprise gift, I agreed so we'll meet there at 7:00 PM. it sounds like she is divorcing her POS husband too. I wonder what kind of gift she got for me and why she insists on that restaurant.
other thing , when i got home last night a bunch of people from our church were there to talk to me. an elderly couple and 3 other women. the elderly couple did most of the talking,basically that there is way out of this through forgiveness and acceptance bla bla bla. the elderly couple survived an infidelity 28 years ago, they shared their story ( very sad one by the way) and how he was able to forgive her and move on to a great marriage and beautiful family, with kids and grandkids. they said that as bad as adultery is but it could be used as a base to build even a stronger relationship and they had seen it many times and they are a live example of it. My wife is acting like we are in R, she is trying to be open with me with what she is doing. I had to remind her that I'm not there yet and don't think I will ever get there. I did tell her that I may have questions for her and that if she really has found the lord like she claimed she 'd better be 100% honest. she said she would answer any questions.

[This message edited by AHGuy at 7:04 AM, August 4th (Tuesday)]

AHGuy posted 8/4/2020 07:02 AM

double post

[This message edited by AHGuy at 7:05 AM, August 4th (Tuesday)]

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