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New Betrayed Husband

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Buster123 posted 8/1/2020 20:13 PM

If i'm not mistaken I think you mentioned that she bought some books about infidelity on Amazon, if that's the case she could have picked up the terms from the books.

clouds777 posted 8/1/2020 20:28 PM

Don't worry about responding to her. Let her squirm. Her comfort is no longer your concern. Take all the time you need and just keep ignoring her. You don't owe her anything.

She is literally scrambling to get some control back. She has had all of the control for years and she now sees the reality of her situation without that control. She is completely at fault and does not have a way to not be the bad guy in this story without you buying into her BS blame shifting. It is VERY typical cheater behavior. Her only hope is that you'll ignore what she's done and take her back so she can get back her good wife image. She's not worried about you, she worried about herself, her image and the comforts that SHE is about to lose.

Stay the course and take your lawyers advice. I think your handling the situation with your kids really well - just keep being honest with them and let them form their own opinions. Everyone knows what she did is not ok and nothing she can say will make her choices ok. She is obviously not above involving the kids in her manipulation since she opened a discussion with your son. You can continue to be better than that and focus on you and moving forward with what is best for YOU and ignoring her.

masti posted 8/1/2020 22:09 PM

It's a common trope that cheaters "never stopped loving you." This ability to "love" you while cheating on you is often attributed to "compartmentalization." Yes, I loved you. But then I was able to shelve my love for you just long enough to fuck that other guy and put my wedding ring in my pocket. When I came home, shazam! I loved you again.

Real love is about connection and respect. You have to be emotionally and spiritually disconnected from someone to be able to cheat on them.

Your response: "I don't believe you loved me while you were cheating on me. Love and betrayal are incompatible. I don't feel safe with that kind of 'love.'"

I read the above somewhere and think it's worth sharing. Especially when she tries to reassure you that your performance is 'much superior'. Cos you never wanted to compare and you have nothing to compare with. For you she was always superior. There is nothing wrong in letting her know that too.

longsadstory1952 posted 8/1/2020 23:29 PM

Ya know man. I made the mistake of reading your wifeís response again. I missed something that I donít think anyone commented on. The why is ďso simple.Ē Itís simple do you see. Even a blind man can see it, a child no less. Itís just plain apparent. Itís like a redwood tree in a forest of bonsais. Itís right in front of your nose. Just look at the writing on the wall.

The devil made her do it. Everything else is nuance.

Now that that is solved, Iím sure that your mind is easy, cuz she, like 90% of all convicted criminals, has found the Lord.

Next on she will want you to go to church with her. Do this for me, she will say.

Seriously. Does she think you are an idiot or is she as shallow as she looks on paper? She writes like a 7th grader. I mean really, all the texts and emails were a ďpack of lies?Ē So thatís settled.

I hope you have your barf bag ready, because you have to know whatís coming. Soon, very soon, she will suggest that you both renew your vows in front of the whole congregation, all your friends and family and employees. In this way you solve all your problems because you will do such a wonderful thing for her.

Then you can get to work on all the personal changes you need to complete.

[This message edited by longsadstory1952 at 11:36 PM, August 1st (Saturday)]

Thumos posted 8/1/2020 23:38 PM

she talked about blame-shifting, she said that her email wan not meant to blame shift, and that her affair is her fault alone,

She might be reading your thread, in fact the sudden whip around to claim her email was not blameshifting is pretty good proof that she might very well be reading it.

If she is, she should know by now that hundreds, thousands, of people are on to her and we can see right thru her.

Maybe you should not telegraph any more of your plans here but just ask questions and get advice.

In any case, in spite of what she says, her email was a masterpiece of narcissistic blame shifting.

[This message edited by Thumos at 11:38 PM, August 1st (Saturday)]

Thumos posted 8/1/2020 23:45 PM

AHguy, if you had been using a VAR and/or other monitoring methods since you joined here, you would not be considering giving her 2 months to demonstrate anything.

Very true. You would have heard the real her and it would have turned your stomach.

GoldenR posted 8/2/2020 07:34 AM

I think she has found this website and your thread.

Stinger posted 8/2/2020 08:18 AM

I hope the ahole is reading this stuff, so she has an idea of how normal people view vile people like her. She needs a mirror held up to her, although it would most likely do no good.

nscale56 posted 8/2/2020 08:49 AM

Lighten up "Francis"

NuckingFuts posted 8/2/2020 09:00 AM

AHguy, if you had been using a VAR and/or other monitoring methods since you joined here, you would not be considering giving her 2 months to demonstrate anything.

Very true. You would have heard the real her and it would have turned your stomach.

Yep.

ShutterHappy posted 8/2/2020 09:13 AM

AHGuy Is doing the hard 180. No pick me dance, no begging etc... That forces his WW into reality and sheís probably doing research on how to handle infidelity, just like it is often said here ďlet her figure out how to fix the messĒ.

AHGuy, even if your WW were to (eventually) become a perfect candidate for R, itís still perfectly fine to D. You donít owe her anything. No WS deserve R. Do what you feel is best for you.

NuckingFuts posted 8/2/2020 09:19 AM

AHGuy, even if your WW were to (eventually) become a perfect candidate for R, itís still perfectly fine to D. You donít owe her anything. No WS deserve R. Do what you feel is best for you.

R is a gift, not a right. And it's a gift that, if given too freely, is frequently not valued.

Thumos posted 8/2/2020 11:41 AM

Also I hate to be harsh AH, but it is just a fact that your prospects post divorce as a 44 year old man are much better than her prospects as a divorced woman approaching menopause who cheated on her husband

Thatís probably not popular to say but itís true.

By now you know that your wife is nothing special. Sheís certainly no catch. Sheís the mother of your children and you can certainly respect her for that.

But she has shown you who she really is and I can 100 percent guarantee that there are plenty of quality, wonderful women out there who would and will never do something like this to you or any other man. Women who arenít broken inside like this and who know how to love. Women who would be thrilled to be with a stable man with his own business.

Your wife canít hold a candle to these women. Sheíll never be able to after this thatís for sure.

Your wife can see all of that even if you canít.

[This message edited by Thumos at 4:34 PM, August 2nd (Sunday)]

AHGuy posted 8/2/2020 13:43 PM

I talked to her face to face this morning after we had breakfast with our sons, I sat her down and told her I want a clean and peaceful divorce she cried and begged not to give up on a 3 decades relationship, I told her I wasn't giving up and that we will always be in touch co-parenting and hopefully co-grand parenting one day. I told her it was for the better for both of us, that I wasn't good enough for her and didn't satisfy her needs and standard of life, in the other hand I'm heartbroken and won't be able to trust her anymore. so it is better to find a way to split and go our own ways.
she was crying and had to excuse her self for few minutes. she came back and begged to not end it before we both give it one more chance, she promised to do anything I want including a postnuptial agreement, she said she knows she fucked up, she again said what she texted me yesterday That she didn't mean to shift the blame of her affair or give excuses, she said she offered me a blank sheet to write any demands and conditions because she doesn't know what it takes to make it right. I asked what made her think she was blameshifting, she said our daughter told her that I said that to her and "pastor" also told her that her choice of words and expressions were wrong. then she said if divorce is what I want she won't fight me for anything and trusts that we would be fair to each other.
I felt weird after that both relieved and sad, she left for some church activities and sent me a pictures from the event with her friends.

toby posted 8/2/2020 13:51 PM

That mustíve been tough to do AH, but realize that if the OBS hadnít found out, sheíd be out with the OM right now instead of being in church!

faithfulman posted 8/2/2020 13:58 PM

I talked to her face to face this morning after we had breakfast with our sons, I sat her down and told her I want a clean and peaceful divorce she cried and begged not to give up on a 3 decades relationship, I told her I wasn't giving up and that we will always be in touch co-parenting and hopefully co-grand parenting one day. I told her it was for the better for both of us, that I wasn't good enough for her and didn't satisfy her needs and standard of life, in the other hand I'm heartbroken and won't be able to trust her anymore. so it is better to find a way to split and go our own ways.
she was crying and had to excuse her self for few minutes. she came back and begged to not end it before we both give it one more chance, she promised to do anything I want including a postnuptial agreement, she said she knows she fucked up, she again said what she texted me yesterday That she didn't mean to shift the blame of her affair or give excuses, she said she offered me a blank sheet to write any demands and conditions because she doesn't know what it takes to make it right. I asked what made her think she was blameshifting, she said our daughter told her that I said that to her and "pastor" also told her that her choice of words and expressions were wrong.

AHguy, you have made the smart decision.

You have done it so much better than 90%-plus of those who have faced your situation.

***

She still doesn't get it. It is still about her. "I fucked up" might be letting someone grab her ass at the office party or be flirty with her for a while and not enforcing that boundary.

2 years of sex behind your back is not a "fuck up".

I know you understand that. Using that term and calling it a "fuck up" is a way of her still minimizing.

It's not "her choice of words" that betrayed her. Her words expressed what she really thinks, who she was.

In her mind, she honestly thinks that Her fucking old dirty bastard was at least 50% your fault!

***

Your demands were written in your wedding vows. Unfortunately she doesn't have a time machine to meet those demands.

I felt weird after that both relieved and sad, she left for some church activities and sent me a pictures from the event with her friends.

Ugh. Why?

I am not religious so I don't mean to demean anyone, but if she feels she just needs to "turn back to Jesus" or let "Jesus take the wheel" whatever - then that already happened when the other betrayed spouse contacted you with the evidence.

It's like the light of truth shined down upon you.

then she said if divorce is what I want she won't fight me for anything and trusts that we would be fair to each other.


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SUPER IMPORTANT ADVICE
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Just remember always - YOU CANNOT TRUST THIS WOMAN!

Protect yourself, protect yourself, protect yourself!

She says she wants a fair divorce - YOU NEED TO MAKE SURE YOU GET A FAIR DIVORCE!

If your wife has proven one thing unequivocally, it's that she doesn't care about what's fair to you, how she hurts you, about your feelings, for that matter, she doesn't really value her family unit the way she should.

She is not going to all of a sudden change because you are divorcing her.

Best of luck brother.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 2:04 PM, August 2nd (Sunday)]

ShutterHappy posted 8/2/2020 14:00 PM

I wasn't good enough for her and didn't satisfy her needs and standard of life

Hopefully you didnít mean that.

faithfulman posted 8/2/2020 14:02 PM

I wasn't good enough for her and didn't satisfy her needs and standard of life

Hopefully you didnít mean that.

I think AHguy means from his wife's point of view that is how she felt.

ShutterHappy posted 8/2/2020 14:04 PM

faithfulman: she probably sent pictures as proof of her whereabouts. Waywards do that (amongst other things, to reestablish trust).

Sheís probably in denial which means itís a good time to negotiate the terms of the D.

faithfulman posted 8/2/2020 14:07 PM

faithfulman: she probably sent pictures as proof of her whereabouts. Waywards do that (amongst other things, to reestablish trust).

I know. I get it. It's just so ridiculous that she thinks that means anything.


Sheís probably in denial which means itís a good time to negotiate the terms of the D.

Totally agree. AHguy should get this divorce moving as much as possible.

And while he probably shouldn't "stick it to her" he should protect himself, his business, etc. and basically cut her out of his life whereever possible.

And for real, I would not want to be a real estate agent in the climate we are in now and what appears to be oncoming.

One thing is for sure. Mr. Rich Dick won't support her.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 2:08 PM, August 2nd (Sunday)]

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