Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

New Betrayed Husband

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

smolderingdark posted 8/1/2020 05:26 AM

AHGuy,

The actual plan now, is , since she said she would do anything for a chance, I'm going to ask her to negotiate and agree on separation agreement should we divorce, in exchange of me promising to not file now and give her a chance till the end of September to proof to me she is worth a second chance. If she refuses or comes up with crazy demands I'm just gonna file based on Adultery and see what she would do.

You should not make any promises much less keep them to a liar and a cheat like your wife. The following point is more important. You should NOT give a specific time frame in which to prove herself. She will then know she only has to pretend until September. Of course she will be on her best behavior she doesn't want the divorce. At least not yet and certainly not on your terms. Ask her for the separation agreement and leave it at that. If you want her to behave sincerely between now and the end of September do not allow her to know there is a deadline counting down in the background.

The pain you feel in your chest when you think too much about it, will not go away by the end of September. Nor will it likely go away in 2-5 years, the time frame many cite that it takes for reconciliation. Taking your life back and freeing yourself from your wayward wife and the betrayal she happily inflicted on you will.

paboy posted 8/1/2020 05:56 AM

Your proposal does give you so room to move.

However, what I would consider a better option is to file for divorce immediately. I would then tell the WW that we have to till the Court hearing to decide whether to proceed with it i.e. R is not appropriate, or withdrawing it.

It puts you behind the drivers seat. It puts notice to you wife that she is on thin ice, and needs to get her shit together. plus.. if R is not working out, you have'nt wasted time.

As she has already stated, she was fully expecting you to have filed already.

Informing her of your reason for filing is important, so that she is aware of what she needs to do to prevent it.

BeyondRage posted 8/1/2020 06:57 AM

AH

One thing very important I want to bring to your information, some of you encouraged me to use VAR, GPS and software to check online activity, in my lovely state of Maryland it is illegal without the consent of the person you want to spy on. so according Maryland law she can get away with adultery while I could go to jail for recording her calls without her knowing. Lawyer advised against using such devices and software, but I personally do not care I would use VAR if necessary regardless. she can send me to jail if she want to it is worth the risk. I'm just letting you know for future reference.
The actual plan now, is , since she said she would do anything for a chance, I'm going to ask her to negotiate and agree on separation agreement should we divorce, in exchange of me promising to not file now and give her a chance till the end of September to proof to me she is worth a second chance. If she refuses or comes up with crazy demands I'm just gonna file based on Adultery and see what she would do.

Lets address this. The majority of states have the same law as Maryland and the majority of attorneys will give you the same advice because thats their job. They DO NOT have to live with the lies that you are trying to uncover so it s matter of your assessment of the odds. If you could see all the threads where a BS used a VAR to obtain information and then looked at how many were prosecuted as a percentage even if caught, it is miniscule. And any attorney who would take fees for prosecuting that is a quack in adultery and any judge that would punish or take the time with all the criminal cases to pay much attention to this is an outlier.
I used a VAR. The rules are if you use it you MUST be prepared to hear some very hurtful thinks and NOT reveal how you found out. You let her guess. If she finds it and IS remorseful at all, rather than prosecute she should understand WHY you did it. For Christ's sake, she is asking YOU to understand why she fucked OM for years, and maybe more than one OM
As mentioned by others, you are nuts to set any specific timelines or promise ANYTHING.
Now I have avoided much talk about what my wife, who most considered as remorseful as hell, did ON HER OWN WITH NO DIRECTION FROM ME, that you should be looking for.
(1) she voluntarily turned over her journal going back almost two years
(2) she quit a hobby ( running) that put her through college but where she got involved with OM ( 2 of them)
(3) she turned over ALL e mails and texts, deleted nothing, gave me app passwords
(4) offered to leave her cell phone on record all night when she travelled on business to area where OM were overnight so that I could monitor if she got up to piss
(5) never broke NC with either OM that I did verify with a VAR
(6) presented me with a list of polygraph locations and begged me to set it up to prove I knew everything and it was truthful. I DID it and she passed.

is there anything there that your wife has done??? On her own.???

I'm not trying to make you think my wife is a saint but show you what YOUR wife should be doing without you saying a fucking word.

You have been advised of the tools to find out what you need to know and hopefully you have passed from denial to anger enough to use them.

AH,
If you find out she has fucked other guys do you still want to give her two months
If you find out she is still talking to Om do you want to give her two months
If you find out she still is planning to hang out with her toxic girlfriend or girlfriends, do you want to give her two months
If she absolutely REFUSES to take a polygraph test, do you still want to give her two months
If she FAILS miserably the polygraph test , do you still want to give her two months.

If the answer to all of those questions is YES ,then your situation is beyond help in my opinion. You will be in for a lot more heartache no matter what you choose to do because of the uncertainty. i know what I would do in your situation but I am not telling you what to do regarding R or D, but just in getting the TRUTH.

[This message edited by BeyondRage at 7:21 AM, August 1st (Saturday)]

ShutterHappy posted 8/1/2020 08:26 AM

If you give her two months, you will need to sit her down and extract as much information and truth from her as possible. It wont be a conversation, it will be an inquisition.

BeyondRage and Buster123 have mentioned those hard questions.

The reality about the 6 year change of attitude: its a red flag. It also means we dont know, but you need to dig.

Like it was mentioned maybe a 100 times... make her do a detailed timeline of everything that resembles adultery since married, and tell her you will polygraph her.

Wheres your anger??

Then sit her down, and on top of that timeline, ask her the hard questions. No more fooling around with heartbreaking letters. You need to grill her and find the truth. No truth, no R.

Sit her down and get the truth!

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 8:28 AM, August 1st (Saturday)]

faithfulman posted 8/1/2020 10:21 AM

Short advice AHguy:

People who take action to learn information and require acceptable behavior (truth, no contact, stop blameshifing) from their partner have results that help them live their life in a way that allows them to sleep better.

Those who wait, accept conditions from their lying cheating partner, and allow the cheater to run away from accountability and consequences end up in limbo. They find themselves unable to sleep or think, ruminating and obsessed with the questions they never made the cheater answer.

Your 2-month plan is definitely the second way.

You strike me as someone who has led his life and found his success as a man of action - why are you stopping now? I would guess fear, which is understandable.

But what you fear the most has already happened, and continues to happen.

You can stop it.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 11:31 AM, August 1st (Saturday)]

GoldenR posted 8/1/2020 11:03 AM

Faithfulman makes a lot of sense.

jb3199 posted 8/1/2020 11:25 AM

The actual plan now, is , since she said she would do anything for a chance, I'm going to ask her to negotiate and agree on separation agreement should we divorce, in exchange of me promising to not file now and give her a chance till the end of September to proof to me she is worth a second chance. If she refuses or comes up with crazy demands I'm just gonna file based on Adultery and see what she would do.

Like Chamomile stated....just make sure that is legally binding. Offer what you believe is 'fair', and you will quickly see how eager your WW is or is not about trying to reconcile.

But for what is in bold print---this is not a negotiation table. There are no counter offers to what you believe is fair(and I strongly recommend you being as fair and rational as possible in your demands....I'm assuming primarily to protect your business). If she agrees to this, you are accomplished Step 1.

The next step is what BeyondRage, ShutterHappy, and the others are trying to stress---you not only need remorse, you need the TRUTH. A strong relationship hinges on honesty more than anything else, and you simply don't know enough.....yet. Ask the poly questions that BeyondRage mentioned earlier, and follow through with the test. KNOW what you are trying to reconcile from.

AHGuy posted 8/1/2020 16:24 PM

I think I was misunderstood by some here, sorry I suck at writing my thoughts. to be clear, I'm not aiming for R not even close. the chances for me to R is whatever is next to 0% just to not say a definite 0%. The comments here have opened my eyes, all of you gals and guys know what you're talking about. I just felt bad for myself putting up with BS. I didn't want to file immediately because that's what the lawyer suggested unless I want to go nasty with her and that's not what I want.
jinkazama. you asked:

My question is were things really that bad how she claims in her email.??

Were she asking you for MC ???


Well, I do work a lot of hours but she used to to work long hours too. yes I admit I work a lot but not as much I used too. Before I had my own business I worked full time and lot of overtime and always had side jobs lined up, she never complained. I still came home every evening and made dinner most of the nights. Last 6 years she started complaining saying that we have enough money to live comfortably so no need for me to kill myself, I did reduced my hours and hired 3 guys including my own son. she wanted to go out and travel to Europe and stuff she complained that we never take summer vacations, Keep in mind we've always taken a vacation in October, and February just the 2 of us (hunting/ skiing) and we've been spending Christmas in Florida since my parents moved there 17 years ago.
yes she asked for marriage counseling, but that was when she started going out with her friends for drinks and nights out. so I thought she was acting childish and didn't pay attention. I know now I should have.
Our ages, I'm 44 years old she'll turn 44 August 25th.
And BTW how old are you all , you your wife and ap and ap wife and your kids?

I don't know the exact age of the OM and his wife but they are much older than us he is in his mid to late 50s if I had to guess he is probably 57 and she could be 55.

AHGuy posted 8/1/2020 16:42 PM

Today, I worked with my son, I normally don't do installs but we're shorthanded so I had to do it. it gave me a chance to talk to him, I warned him That his mom and I could be divorcing and depending on how it goes we might be looking for a job, I told him to not worry even if it goes that bad it would be temporary. he said he'll be fine. he is sad and upset and wants to go kick the OM's ass. that made me smile but I told him how stupid that would be.
My wife, is sending texts every morning and evening and every time she leaves the house, I really believe she is getting guidance from a site like this because she uses some words that I only read here. last night's message she talked about blame-shifting, she said that her email wan not meant to blame shift, and that her affair is her fault alone,

redwing6 posted 8/1/2020 16:44 PM

AH, I've not commented much in your thread because there are far wiser people that I admire greatly who have done so. But on page 31, This was said:

NuckingFuts
♂ Member
Member # 47618
Default Posted: 11:33 AM, July 31st (Friday), 2020 View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage
AHGuy has not posted for a while now. Hope you are doing alright and your children are supporting you. Take care and do what feels right for you.
Lets not forget he runs a heating and air conditioning business and it's the middle of summer, so he's got plenty to do. I wouldn't expect too much from him during the day, particularly given the number of times he's commented he doesn't like to use his phone.

AHGuy, I agree with the others that the cheating probably started 6 years ago and this isn't her first affair. I think you should go ahead and let your wife know you don't believe he's her first affair and see where that takes you.

After thinking upon what you said earlier about how she changed (huge red flag for me) 5-6 years ago, then FN said that I realized he may well be right. This wasn't her first fling( just the most serious). I would strongly urge you to have her take a polygraph and ask 3 questions:

1 was this your first affair?
2 have you ceased all contact with AP?
3 your choice.

I suspect she will refuse to take a poly, because the media has made it seem like it's impossible to lie (thanks police drama's) and that would leave her in a very compromising position. Just my 2 cents, back to lurking...

[This message edited by redwing6 at 4:55 PM, August 1st (Saturday)]

masti posted 8/1/2020 17:00 PM

I'm not aiming for R not even close. the chances for me to R is whatever is next to 0%

I think it's good that you have clarity now. This sets you up as a role model for your children to not tolerate infidelity. Every time she took her clothes off for another man, she knew what she was doing was wrong, but she carried on doing it. If she was really unhappy she should have initiated divorce. It's not just you she betrayed, she betrayed his wife too. By becoming OM's sidepiece she helped break his marriage too. Has she considered writing that woman a letter of apology too.
You are the prize, when your marriage ends, there will be no shortage of women lining up for you. Including some of your wife's friends. You'd be surprised how many have fancied you over the years for being a solid hard working family man. That my friend is what sexy means in real life.

HellFire posted 8/1/2020 17:07 PM

Did You tell her her email was full of blameshifting?

If not, then it sounds like she has found you on here,and is reading your thread. It seems odd that she would use that particular word.

Does she have access to your devices? Your Google account? Are your passwords something she could easily figure out?

jinkazama posted 8/1/2020 17:23 PM

AHGuy

Thanks for your replies

Now its clear that She is still in some fog.

And Yes she is blameshifting.

Her foggy mind is refusing to believe that affair is her fault alone even if she claims its not.

Now there are some things that concerns me.

Maybe when she asked for MC she was in early stages of her affair and justified herself or to lessen her guilt for asking you to MC and you didn't go.
(I hope you understand this line because english is not my native language).

And she is complaining for 6 years . How was she during her affair???

I don't know i feel like maybe she is not telling whole truth 6 year cheating.
You simply can't trust cheaters they lie a lot.

jinkazama posted 8/1/2020 17:25 PM

One more thing

In her email you was asking you to apologize for your part

Simply answer is No Never.

It was never your fault

BeyondRage posted 8/1/2020 17:39 PM

AH
I usually agree Hellfires opinions but I dont think shes found you on this site. If she has and has a double digit IQ shed already be doing a whole bunch of shit that everyone has suggested . If she texts you tomorrow morning and tells you shes going on a hunger strike until you schedule a polygraph test Id say she found you
Most of the folks responding to you believe , as do I, that this change in grooming and behavior that started six years indicates that she was interested in attracting other men with a four year gap before affair with this OM started . That combined with the girls night out makes it worse.
But what we all and probably you think means nothing because you will never know unless one of two things happen
(1) you ask and she confesses
(2) she takes a polygraph
You have a better chance of hitting the lotto than #1 happening, so Id say your odds are better on #2.
But my bet is she will flat out refuse or do some research and give you the unreliability sales pitch . You buy that one and youll never know

Jman posted 8/1/2020 18:11 PM

AHGuy,

What I find most disturbing is even AFTER getting caught in a 2 year affair, her ego is so big that she tried to prove to you that she dumped her AP and not the other way around.....WTF, she actually showed you the texts that they are still communicating to prove it. She has zero remorse. Giving her two months will just be two more months lost with an unrepentant cheater.

Stinger posted 8/1/2020 18:19 PM

She is a lost cause, most likely a narcissist. All those vacations and she is dissatisfied? Please, this woman is selfish in the extreme.

Why waste anymore of your life?

Organic2003 posted 8/1/2020 18:44 PM

AH

Divorce is probably the best option for you and should be handled carefully, but she will be the other side. IMO you should work hard (fight), for saving what you have worked hard for. IMO she gave up her rights when she...

But your wife is not a lost cause, she is nothing but an ordinary fup like most of us. She lost her morals and there are consequences to decisions we make.

It would be good thing if she has quality guidance like SI and stops blame shifting. She owns 100% of her affair. She needs to figure out why she became a hypocrite, why she let herself justify such immoral behavior inside herself. It was never you.

I am on my way to a grandsons baseball game now. Trust me it sucks, I will be there and so will my EX and her POS AP. He will shake my hand. My children will hug him. My grandkids will sit on his lap. I get close to vomiting every game. My EX is gross and I will put on a smile.

AH this all just sucks. Now and in the future.

[This message edited by Organic2003 at 7:17 PM, August 1st (Saturday)]

m2r2 posted 8/1/2020 19:30 PM

AH
Looks your son will continue your business when you decide to retire. Instead all of you looking for new job why not register new company on sons name and start transferring slowly. You can still run that new business and keep your employees. Divorce takes a year (maybe longer now with covid) and by then your current company will have no income and value

squid posted 8/1/2020 19:40 PM

I really believe she is getting guidance from a site like this because she uses some words that I only read here. last night's message she talked about blame-shifting, she said that her email wan not meant to blame shift, and that her affair is her fault alone,

Unless she is reading about narcissistic traits, I don't see how she would just come up with that term.

I also believe my XWW found this site because she wrote a letter to me with abbreviations that I only ever used on this site.

BEWARE. Either way, she is playing you.

The thought of you having to wait until the end of September doesn't seem right anymore, eh?

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

© 2002-2020 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy