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New Betrayed Husband

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Thumos posted 7/31/2020 14:56 PM

I was an idiot for ignoring all her cheating signs I continue to be an idiot by being passive, fuck that I deserve better no one deserves to be disrespected.

Well one thing is for certain: youíre not an idiot.

Youíre a kind, stable, hardworking husband who trusted his wife.

The problem with the ďignoring all her cheating signsĒ is that everyone does it because we TRUST this person above all others on the planet. All the 7 billion other people. We donít trust any of them like we trust our spouse. So we are war with our own bodies and own minds in trying to believe the unbelievable.

It works completely against every betrayed spouse. My WW had me convinced for more than 2 weeks during the affair that I had falsely accused her, and I believed it. I felt guilty and terrible for doing something I hadnít even done!

And youíre not passive either. By my lights youíve been handling this like a boss. Hang in there.

[This message edited by Thumos at 2:57 PM, July 31st (Friday)]

Dismayed2012 posted 7/31/2020 15:27 PM

What your WW should be saying: "I caused this and none of it was the marriage or your fault. I will do anything and everything I need to do to fix this. You don't need to do anything; you were fine; the marriage was fine. This is all on me and nothing to do with you and the fix needs to be all on me and nothing to do with you."

If she's offering less than the above, which I see she is, then she's not R material.

Take care of yourself. I wish the best for you.

Robert22205https posted 7/31/2020 16:18 PM

No you were not an idiot for ignoring the signs. Honest men & women never see it coming (because you're honest) from their spouse.

Don't be your worst enemy by beating yourself up over trusting her.

You're not the first person to walk this path. You're not alone.

thatbpguy posted 7/31/2020 16:35 PM

Nobody is an idiot for loving someone completely.

Totally agree. AHguy has done the very best he can in a tremendously difficult situation.

MyShovel posted 7/31/2020 16:51 PM

A couple of minor points, AH:

- You can try Melatonin to help with sleep before going to get a script. Available in pretty much every grocery/pharmacy. It seems to help a lot of people.

- The sex-bombing is coming soon. When it does, remember Playa McMoneybag's recent notch count is likely 30, 300 or 3000 - not 3. This means he, and your wife by extension, are walking petri dishes. Even if you decide to attempt R, she needs a clean STI test or even two before you should consider resuming sex. Many STIs show no signs for a long period, but the carrier can still pass them on. Try to remember that when she starts turning on the charm.

- I'm in NY, and we can file on grounds here, or go no fault. The difference is in required length of separation, but the initial filing can be changed from one type to another. That just costs more $$, like everything else! Still, it is something your lawyer can use for leverage should negotiations stall.

You are no idiot. You were trusting like the rest of us, and your trust was abused by the person that was supposed to love and respect you above all others. Two years is a long time, and she's got a hell of a climb ahead of her.

M1965 posted 7/31/2020 18:54 PM

I was an idiot for ignoring all her cheating signs I continue to be an idiot by being passive, fuck that I deserve better no one deserves to be disrespected.

No-one who loves and trusts is an idiot. The idiots are the people who do not understand how lucky they are to find another person who feels that way about them, and who abuse that love and trust to debase themselves while trying to pretend they are something better than they really are.

The fact is, you may be the only man who will ever love your WW to the depth and breadth that you did, and she was too blind to understand that.

What you felt for your WW was gold. What her AP felt for her was Fool's Gold. She liked the glitter of the Fool's Gold, and then thought she could fool everyone with an acting performance based on what a genuinely remorseful woman would look like.

It is weird how some people expect other people to believe their nonsense. Six years ago, she 'suddenly' turned into a completely different person.

Or...Did she actually become the person who was there all along, and who she wanted to be, but who she kept on a leash until your daughter left home?

And now that the truth is out there, she suddenly wants to retreat behind a facade of respectability, because she knows how the truth about her looks to other people.

The bottom line here is that she is an actress.

It serves her well in her job, and it served her well in real life until you discovered who she really is.

She will not be honest with you because she is not honest with herself, or anyone around her.

If you want to spend the rest of your life with a con artist, by all means reconcile with her. She will smile at you, pat you on the head, and tell you whatever she thinks you need to hear.

Then, when you are not around, and no-one is looking, she will be who she really is.

I think you deserve better than that.

[This message edited by M1965 at 6:55 PM, July 31st (Friday)]

faithfulman posted 7/31/2020 19:16 PM

Posted by Waggingthedog:

Another choice is to cut the arm off. The plus side of this is that the dangerous infection wonít kill you or impact other organs immediately. The downside of this is that you lose your arm. And, you will always have a feeling of a phantom limb. Your life will be changed in a day. You might be depressed about it for a time, but you will live for sure. Itís just the arm. (This is ending the relationship.)

I love your analogy. But it is incomplete.

When you cut off your original arm, you may always have some feelings for it, but you left out the part where AHguy heads over to the arm store to try out all kind of new, faaaaar better, more trustworthy arms, of all sorts of shapes, colors, heights, level of attractiveness and not to mention kinkiness.


New arms that can't keep their "hand" off of AHguy, who want to work just as hard as the rest of his body. An arm that he can truly lean on, an arm that supports him.

Arms he can just have no-strings fun with for while, and then eventually an arm to hopefully re-attach to his shoulder permanently, making him even stronger for the rest of his life!

Oh, and that old untrustworthy arm? It gets cut off, but it doesn't die. It gets tossed in a discount bin of shitty arms. Various degenerates try that arm out, use it. Disrespect it, and toss it back in the bin.

Maybe somebody decides the bad arm is worth keeping, but it ain't gonna be a FUCKING BOSS STUD like AHguy, who runs his own shit and provides for his family like nobodies business.

***

But other than that, your analogy was perfect! ;-)

[This message edited by faithfulman at 7:26 PM, July 31st (Friday)]

ramius posted 7/31/2020 19:54 PM

fuck that I deserve better no one deserves to be disrespected.

Damn right.

clouds777 posted 7/31/2020 20:05 PM

You DO deserve better. I'm glad you're focused on that.

Another poster said it better but she really is clinging to the fact that you rugsweeping and keeping her around is her ONLY good option now that her fantasy land is gone. Her letter made this very clear. She doesn't want to own what she's done and she doesn't want to face consequences. Finding a good lawyer and taking control is the right choice. Keep going.

rugswept posted 7/31/2020 22:25 PM

Hi!
You're about to be loved bombed and sex bombed in ways you only could have imagined a short time ago.

When she comes at you in every way that you could have loved and deserved as her faithful husband, know this: all of this was HER, doing these things exactly like these things with THAT MAN, the millionaire thing who guided her as his own personal sex slave as his own personal thing, to love and to hold until the whole thing was over.

Don't be fooled by her. The love bomb and sex bomb is coming in ways you could only have dreamed of by her. That's because that was life with that scummy POS garbage trash man she gave herself to. Sorry buddy, she's about to give you what she gave him, no more, probably less.

AHGuy posted 7/31/2020 22:26 PM

your comments have been a wake up call. it sucks to be in this situation, I feel the pain in my chest when I think too much about it I just take deep breaths. but I can't just sit and whine about it I can't keep feeling worthless I'm ready for whatever the future will bring. I had an unplanned visit to a lawyer, a very experienced one ,I really liked him he explained to me all the possible scenarios, I actually felt better. After all the worst case scenario isn't too bad and all will depend on her demands,it would be bad for my 5 employees including my son too. I won't go through all details but I'm aiming for a consensual divorce with a fair asset split. I can file an At-Fault and change it later but that could take 3 to 4 month to process the switch. I do not want to be nasty if we divorce. the lawyer advises to plan for the worst case scenario.
Chamomile, Thank you for bringing the condonation to my attention. the lawyer confirmed that it is a factor in my state and that most judges are notorious for approving it, it seams like most judges are pro-cheaters. the rule of thumbs is 3 months after discovery it is considered condoning the Affair but it really depends on the judge. in my case our emails from 2 days ago for example are good evidence against condoning. lawyer suggested to keep this kind of texts and emails.
One thing very important I want to bring to your information, some of you encouraged me to use VAR, GPS and software to check online activity, in my lovely state of Maryland it is illegal without the consent of the person you want to spy on. so according Maryland law she can get away with adultery while I could go to jail for recording her calls without her knowing. Lawyer advised against using such devices and software, but I personally do not care I would use VAR if necessary regardless. she can send me to jail if she want to it is worth the risk. I'm just letting you know for future reference.
The actual plan now, is , since she said she would do anything for a chance, I'm going to ask her to negotiate and agree on separation agreement should we divorce, in exchange of me promising to not file now and give her a chance till the end of September to proof to me she is worth a second chance. If she refuses or comes up with crazy demands I'm just gonna file based on Adultery and see what she would do.

Thumos posted 7/31/2020 23:13 PM

Yeah, in a hypothetical situation a betrayed spouse would never reveal the VAR material or GPS. Just sayiní

Buster123 posted 7/31/2020 23:20 PM

but I personally do not care I would use VAR if necessary regardless. she can send me to jail if she want to it is worth the risk. I'm just letting you know for future reference.

Yeah we know it's illegal in some states but IMHO so what ?, like you I think it's worth the risk, plus I don't even recall a single case here or any other forums where the BS went to jail for putting a VAR when the WS is desperately trying to R, if your WW does this, it would just confirm that you should forget about R and move full steam ahead with D.

The actual plan now, is , since she said she would do anything for a chance, I'm going to ask her to negotiate and agree on separation agreement should we divorce, in exchange of me promising to not file now and give her a chance till the end of September to proof to me she is worth a second chance. If she refuses or comes up with crazy demands I'm just gonna file based on Adultery and see what she would do.

Sounds like a great plan to me, but make sure that before you commit to R, that you know what you are reconciling with and remember that you should have that tough conversation with her and ask all tough questions (subject to a polygraph), write them down so that you don't miss anything (go back and read some of the ones I and others have suggested and add your own as needed) and don't forget to demand she gets tested for STDs and shows you the results (do not have sex with her until the separation of assets agreement is in your attorney's office and it's reviewed and discussed carefully to make sure it would stick as some judges view this as forgiveness).

[This message edited by Buster123 at 11:30 PM, July 31st (Friday)]

ChamomileTea posted 7/31/2020 23:22 PM

Glad you saw another attorney. I think you've got a good plan... just so long as your attorney says he can hold her to whatever settlement she agrees to. If he can't give you that assurance, it's not going to be worth the paper its written on. Right now, she's desperate to save her home sitch, so she's pliable. As time passes and she begins to realize just how hard its going to be to recover from this, she may become less so. You'll want to work quickly and make sure that your agreement is iron-clad.

... I feel the pain in my chest when I think too much about it I just take deep breaths.

This is probably anxiety, and unfortunately, it's likely to get worse before it gets better. Talk with your doctor about it as soon as you can get in. S/he can give you some mild medication to help settle it down. If you let it go too long though, it's likely to get down to your stomach and then there's hell to pay with chronic acid reflux. In the interim, your instinct to breathe through it is correct. Look up "Four Square Breathing". This is a technique, often used by first responders and military personnel, which will not only help you calm down, it can actually lower your blood pressure.

In trauma, we can't just talk ourselves into serenity. The amygdala of the brain is our "fight, flight, freeze" center, and trauma makes it hyperactive. It can't differentiate between real physical danger and emotional danger. It sends out the same flood of adrenaline and cortisol either way. Unfortunately, the higher reasoning portions of the brain are only loosely connected with it, so we can't reason with it. We just have to muddle through. Techniques like Mindfulness/Meditation, EMDR, and Neurofeedback can help get all portions of your brain working together again. Mindfulness is pretty easy to learn at home, so you might consider starting there. It can help you on your job too. It's a typical symptom after intimate betrayal for BS's to lose focus and concentration. Look into it if you have some time.

Michigan posted 7/31/2020 23:32 PM

but I personally do not care I would use VAR if necessary regardless. she can send me to jail if she want to it is worth the risk.

AHGuy

In your state, if you use a VAR itís for your own personal information. You donít tell anyone you have it, especially your layer.

If you find out something only because of the VAR you have to pretend you donít know it.

What you can do is come up with a second way that you know. Like if she talks about seeing the OM at a motel you can say someone saw them there.

Also what you find out from a VAR can point you in the right direction.

faithfulman posted 8/1/2020 00:03 AM

AHguy, if you had been using a VAR and/or other monitoring methods since you joined here, you would not be considering giving her 2 months to demonstrate anything.

Organic2003 posted 8/1/2020 00:07 AM

Hi AH

The actual plan now, is , since she said she would do anything for a chance, I'm going to ask her to negotiate and agree on separation agreement should we divorce, in exchange of me promising to not file now and give her a chance till the end of September to proof to me she is worth a second chance. If she refuses or comes up with crazy demands I'm just gonna file based on Adultery and see what she would do.

This exactly what I would do. Get all the legal ducks in a row. Then who knows?, but at least you will know how D ends even if you decide to R. Now you get to see if she will put money behind her mouth. Will she set up good terms for a second chance she claims to want. I suspect you are going to learn a lot very soon.

I sincerely hope you can save the important properties. Who knows maybe she will exchange her interest in the business to your children... so many ways to work this out it has endless possibilities, saving you and other families from the financial fallout of D.

Did you ask the attorney if you can recover the losses her affair cost the marital property? You lost his business and so did she. I suspect this adds up to real money lost.

[This message edited by Organic2003 at 12:17 AM, August 1st (Saturday)]

jinkazama posted 8/1/2020 00:34 AM

Hi AHGuy

I hope you are alright

From your latest posts

I can see you are moving towrads divorce than R.

You DDay is just some days old

And you need time and its okay to wait and its good to consult a lawyer.

But if you want to reconcile she has to be 100 % remosreful and out of her fog completey.
She just can not blame you for her affair.

Because if you believe her logic then the same thing can happen in future too.

Like
(Things were bad you didn't listen i cheated) this is a fucked up logic.

My question is were things really that bad how she claims in her email.??

Were she asking you for MC ???

And BTW how old are you all , you your wife and ap and ap wife and your kids?

Buffer posted 8/1/2020 03:49 AM

Fair enough the lawyer on the spot knows better.
Buffer

squid posted 8/1/2020 04:46 AM

It's a good plan that hopefully will let things settle down and let clearer heads prevail.

But you need to strike immediately regarding putting things down in writing as to what you require should you decide to D. Do it now while she is "agreeable". Because later, when (not if, I'm betting) things go south, she WILL get nasty.

In her mind, she thinks she's still in control. She thinks she can manipulate you like she has for the past 6 years. This CANNOT be her attitude if she is every going to be a viable candidate for R. And none of this "Jesus take the wheel" bullshit either. More like "Mrs. AHGuy, take the wheel and own up to your shitty choices".

She essentially has 2 months to convince you she is not who you think she is. More importantly, she thinks you're going to buy her song and dance. Let's be real, she won't magically change (and I'm talking change her inner core of a person) in 2 months. We're talking years here. But if she can get her head out of her ass enough to realize she needs to submit to the process instead of trying to control it, then you might have a shot. With still no guarantees that it will work.

From my experience, even in a fair asset split, cheaters always think they're entitled to more. So be ready.

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