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New Betrayed Husband

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Tigersrule77 posted 7/28/2020 09:21 AM

AH, sorry you are still having such a hard time.

You may want to speak to another attorney, just for a second opinion. This one may have been giving you a worst case scenario. Did he tell you what you should expect? Also, I would think that you can negotiate a settlement with your WW. There are a lot of factors involved. You say she is essentially a partner in her real estate firm? What is her share worth? You would be entitled to half of that.

Also, most small businesses like yours do not have many assets. You probably have a few work vehicles? And tools? You work out of your house correct? Basing the value of your business on revenue is not realistic. YOU essentially ARE the business, so you can't sell it and make any money from the sale. You could propose that, and then start a new business under a different name. Yes, it would be a pain, but better than paying out huge sums for a name (essentially). Have you had anyone reach out to you to buy your business from? Maybe incorporate it into a larger HVAC company? There are a lot of pieces to consider. If you were manufacturing goods and selling them, evaluating a price based on sales (revenue) would make sense. For a service based business like yours, it's not accurate.

Back to your issues, as others have said, you are still in love with your pre-A wife, not your WW. It takes time to understand that she is not the same person, which is why the 180 is so important. You may choose R or D, but you need some space so you can think clearly. You are still being manipulated by your emotions, and your WW is playing on that.

Bourbonhelps posted 7/28/2020 09:51 AM

AH,
You are a "doer", a provider, and a fixer. So I am go to suggest something you are not used to doing, take your time. AH has to do what's right for AH. This shitstorm is not going away anytimesoon. Take a week, hell a month or two, to figure out what needed by you. You are at the peak demand for your business during those next 2 months, do what you need to do for you.

You can file or you can give her that time to start to try to make it better (but it will never be the same). Or you can do an endless number of things that are right for you.

The one thing i will suggest is to read BeyondRage's story. His wife was one willing to make it work and make him feel safe in his own marriage. I think that is a great example of regret vs guilt.

I wish you luck and internal peace sooner than later.

AHGuy posted 7/28/2020 10:06 AM

Just wanted to let you know that Iím reading every post every time I get a chance, Fir the first time I feel nervous, I emailed her an edited version of Stevenís letter but to my surprise she hasnít responded. she texted me earlier this morning about a meeting a client today and that was it. I assumed she would be quick.

ShutterHappy posted 7/28/2020 10:12 AM

stevenís letter is long. Itís better that she gives it good consideration as opposed to ďI agreeĒ,

Michigan posted 7/28/2020 10:38 AM

no way I can get myself to destroy her in any way if we go to court

AHGuy

First, there is only one way that the adultery issue could get to court. That is if you filed with it and she took you to court saying it didnít happen.

You have independent, professional proof of it. She has confessed to multiple people.

Michigan

Your proof is so well documented and overwhelming that she would never go to court over that.

Donít give up on officially using adultery just because "itís not commonly used". At least get credit for taking it off the table and going for no-fault mutual consent. Offer to give it up to make things amicable.

Michigan


[This message edited by Michigan at 11:01 AM, July 28th (Tuesday)]

BeyondRage posted 7/28/2020 10:42 AM

Just wanted to let you know that Iím reading every post every time I get a chance, Fir the first time I feel nervous

What are you nervous about???? She's the one that should be nervous but because you're basically asking no hard questions to find out anything you are letting her make ALL the decisions. Buddy,SHE CHEATED, NOT YOU

So she rubbed your back and you sent her a letter. Did you bother to ask if she;s still taking his phone calls trying to lure her back just the way it has supposedly occurred in the past. If she's still talking to him or hes coming to her office to see her does it fucking matter to you??? Then how about asking???? He was talking to her for days and she never told you.

Right now you have nothing to reconcile with. So she reads the letter and agrees. Then what, Game over.

You have verified nothing that someone else has not told you. If you do not stop treading water you are going to drown my friend. Make her start swimming.

Michigan posted 7/28/2020 10:45 AM

I thought deep down you wanted to stay with her so do it. But do it under the right conditions.

She lied to everyone including the OM and the OMW. So youíre not being overly unkind saying that you canít trust her.

Tell her that because of that you want to finalize a divorce. But because you still love her in spite of what she did. Because of your 28 year relationship you will give her another chance.

Both of you agree to the no-fault mutual consent.

Date her after the divorce or shack up. I know you have to separate for a year with a contested divorce. But with the no-fault mutual consent no one may even have to move out. Ask your lawyer.

There are several advantages to this. First you will retain some self respect. Your kids will see that. You werenít a doormat to their mom. You stood up like a man but you gave her a chance at redemption like a good christen would.

Secondly, many BS make the mistake of drawing a red line then backing off when itís crossed. Then they draw a new red line.

Having the divorce final is a bright red line that is easily enforced.

If you R without divorce and she cheats again you will be in the same position as you are now. She will be more likely to cheat again because she paid no concrete price the first time. If she knows you can just walk she will be less likely to cheat again.

[This message edited by Michigan at 10:58 AM, July 28th (Tuesday)]

Sunspot posted 7/28/2020 11:03 AM

If she's still talking to him or hes coming to her office to see her does it fucking matter to you??? Then how about asking???? He was talking to her for days and she never told you.

AH seems like he's not the reconcile type, or at least, is the type that's going to divorce on principle and re-examine things after the dust settles.

If he's going to divorce he should let her stay deep in limerance and confidence that millionaire playa bro is going to be there for her. He needs to get away from all this as cheaply as possible. He's already paid enough in anguish, doesn't need her to decide that half the money and time he invested in "US TOGETHER FUTURE" also count for "HER ALONE NOW" no harm no foul.

When she wants to reconcile after awesome-playa-soulmate inevitably moves on, he'll already have the favorable divorce agreement in hand and can decide if he wants to R then.

Robert22205https posted 7/28/2020 11:11 AM

Stay calm. You can only control yourself (not her). Whatever happens is ultimately for the best.


Buster123 posted 7/28/2020 12:15 PM

I'm still baffled at how she's going about her business like the utter destruction of her M is no big deal and that she's still making appointments, to me that's another sign of no remorse, she should have at least taken some time off work to deal with the burning house situation she created, it seems like for her the severity of the situation has not yet sunk in, I mean other than ask you for a 2nd chance she has not done much if anything at all.

1) After her 2 year LTA she's still taking calls/texts from her boyfriend.

2) Since she's going to work so she's still talking to enabling/cheerleader partner. This tells you she hasn't even contemplated quitting even though she used her busienss as a cover for the A.

3) Wants you to take part of the blame as the reason for her LTA.

4) She wants you to change (be more like OM) in order to R.

5) Admitted to having contemplated D long before she met POSOM, maybe she even talked to a D attorney to know her options.

6) Her change in behavior and going out started 5-6 years ago (big red flag), so there could be other OMs and/or close calls.

I'm glad you talked to an attorney to know your options and that you gave her the letter, but like I said before that's not enough and you have to have the long and thorough conversation to make a more and better informed decision, btw did you ever place those VARs in her car/bedroom ? if not you should ASAP, you're in the fight of your life and what you do now will have lifetime consequences so you need to use all the weapons/strategies at your disposal to deal with this situation, she may be telling you one thing and telling another to other people including POSOM, this is crucial unfiltered information you can't afford not to use.

Tell her to read the letter then sit her down to have the talk, let her respond to all points in the letter first, then ask her all the tough questions and tell her she needs to be 100% honest and that the M hangs in the balance, if she asks tell her nothing is guaranteed and that she would have to take a leap of faith, she would have to commit to doing the heavy lifting and real life sacrifices if there's to be a chance to R, still make no promises, remember she's been betraying you/the children and lying to your face for at least 2 years, so make sure you tell her it could take up to that long for you to make a decision (the length of her A), so that's the least she can do, don't forget to insist on a complete written and detailed timeline of the A, all the restaurants/places they went to (to make sure you don't go there with her anymore), gifts he gave her that she still has, how often they met/had sex, etc, make sure you tell her you want it all so that she doesn't come up with a half ass version.

Try not to get nervous, again write down the letters and anticipate some of the answers, be strong and firm try to remain calm and in control of the entire conversation and make sure you record it.

DIFM posted 7/28/2020 12:25 PM

When I divorced my ww, I was told that adultery was an option but that it wasn't common. I said I don't give a shit about what's common, if it's an option I want to take it. I didn't really care if it made a difference in the outcome I wanted it clearly stated on the divorce record. It turned out to be no big deal at all. If you have that option take it.

ChamomileTea posted 7/28/2020 13:31 PM

Canít sleep for more than 2 hours . Iíve up since 3:00 thinking about my life. I understand your concern but no way I can get myself to destroy her in any way if we go to court, if D is what we end up doing I want it to be as amicable as possible. I hate what she did for sure Iím disgusted by her but I donít hate her and strangely I still care for her. The D will cost me a lot maybe even my business but thatís nothing compared to loosing a 28 year relationship and the only woman Iíve been with.
She wants a second chance she came to me last night and begged for it, she seems to be getting guidance from someone or maybe a site like this one because of the terminology she used. She rubbed my back while I just Laid on my bed and didnít say a word. I wanted to hug her and kiss her but at the same time I wanted to tell her to get the fuck out of my face. It took everything in me to not do either. Iím working on my letter, it will be based on what Steven suggested I just need to add some stuff .

Your feelings aren't unusual. There's this weird craving for understanding and comfort from the very person who has caused us the most harm. It's the strangest thing, really, and I think probably the majority of us have dealt with it. I can't speak for any but me, but even in R, I never felt that my WH truly understood what he put me through. Even now, more than five years out, saying that makes me choke up a bit because I still crave it.

Your WW would be stupid if she wasn't using the internet and whatever self-help books she can get her hands on in order to repair the situation. And if you are open to R, maybe she'll learn something and make real changes, who knows. At worst, giving R a shot takes "at fault" divorce off the table. In some states, a return to marital relations or continued cohabitation are viewed as tacit forgiveness and then you can't use grounds. But that would just put you back to "no fault" and if you're looking for "amicable", that's where you'd be anyways.

You don't have to decide right this minute. Get a better look at what kind of things might negate your use of "adultery as grounds", and then go from there. Remember, there's no stigma in R except for the stigma YOU may bring to it. So, if that's your course, we'll still be here supporting you. And if you go for D, same thing. The only thing we won't support... is you taking the blame. Taking the blame leads to "rugsweeping" and "pick me dancing", and I don't think any of us would want that on our conscience.

Strength to you.

goalong posted 7/28/2020 14:11 PM

you have a long history together. Looks like you value it as well as your WW contribution and efforts.
As the time went on there were some friction and it looks like your WW wanted to look and act hip/trendy (as many real estate agents do ) but your attitude, lifestyle and job stood in the way.
So she thought she can do better and apparently got involved with a rich playboy who did not want a serious relationship.

So it looks like she wants to get back with you full time.

So you have to take a decision weighing you past vs the affair.
That is You can D or you can R.

If your WW still have the same outlook in life any reconciliation may be short lived or she may think she settled for what she can get.
and may keep pushing you to change your lifestyle and become someone you do not want to be.

On the other hand she will realize what she did and completely change her attitude and be grateful to still have you in her life.

Newlifeisgreat posted 7/28/2020 15:20 PM

a marriage is like a stool in that it is built upon three legs. In marriage, those legs are Love, Respect, and Trust

Iím sorry, but your marriage doesnĎt have ANY OF THEM!!!

Love: do you think it is possible that someone could actually love someone else and have sex with anothe for more than two years??? Could someone that loves you actually be willing to cause you this level of pain and desvastation??? The simple answer is not ďnoĒ, but ďHELL NO!!!!!!Ē

Respect: do you really think at someone that respects you would show the ultimate in DISRESPECT in not only Giving herself to another man for two years, but to have you travel out to the cabin for you to fix their little love nest to make it ready for their love making?????? Or how about his directive to cut you off??? Or their plan to leave when youngest is just a bit older???? They only way this could be worse is if she had sex with him in your bed, or got pregnant by him! If that was me, it would take all of my friends holding me back from Hurting both of them.

Trust: do you really think that there is the slightest chance you you will ever trust her again? Every time she is 5 minutes late, you will be wondering if she is in someone elseís bed or backseat!! Hell, she hasnít quit all communication with him! what makes you think they arenít just going to cool things off until they both have their spouses under control before they rekindle their affair?

Sorry, but Iím my opinion, some sins are unforgivable.


She has shown NO REMORSE!!! ZERO!!! NOTHING!!!!
She is acting like this is nothing more than a minor inconvenience and all will be fine after you accept it and get over it!!!
She wants you to come up with reconciliation plan which she will check off the boxes and announce to the world that once again she is the good wife.
She WANTS YOU to accept the responsibility of her falling into another manís bed!!
She WANTS YOU to change!!!

many of us here knowwhat you are going through. Good luck, Be strong!!! And whatever you do, make sure you can look yourself in the mirror!!!!

Show your children what a man does when he is betrayed, cut the one who has been stabbing you in the back for the last two years loose!!! You will not heal as long as she is in your life

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 9:19 PM, July 28th (Tuesday)]

Newlifeisgreat posted 7/28/2020 15:52 PM

Please reread BUSTER123ís last post!!!!
Especially the first paragraph!!!

Robert22205https posted 7/28/2020 16:00 PM

ChamomileTea's post is right on point.

You are not alone.

Wanttobebetter posted 7/28/2020 16:41 PM

If R is a possibility, a post-nup should be considered to protect yourself? Just saying..

J0ck posted 7/28/2020 16:50 PM

Defo on the postnup
It will give you some protection, a bargaining chip and let you know how serious your wife is about R.

Good look.
Oh bye the way I don't think she'll go for it but asking lets you know where she stands.

J0ck posted 7/28/2020 16:59 PM

Good luck.

AHGuy posted 7/28/2020 17:27 PM

Here is her response copied and pasted below, just hid the names. I wonít be able to respond to your comments till I get home if I go home Iím thinking about spending the night somewhere else. Thanks


AHGuy, Me too now I know a lot more about you and your feelings that I did before reading your email. I read it 4 times already and cried every time, I tried to respond but after I read my draft I just couldnít send it to you because I know in advance it wouldnít be to your satisfaction, I know in advance that whatever I say or write to you would not be enough to make you feel any better. This time I decided to not read what Iím about to write Iím just going to send it after Iím done.
You asked why I had an affair my answer is so simple, I drifted away from Jesus Christ and decided to steer my way on my own and failed miserably. How can I fix it? Simply to give back the steering wheel to Jesus. I lied to you to my kids to everyone even to myself, and I hurt all of us. You described it the best when you said that I shot you with a revolver in a chest while enjoying it. Although I think what I was doing is I was having too much fun aiming at paper target thinking I wouldnít hurt anyone just to realize that you were standing right behind my paper target, my fun bullets went through the papers into your chest. I knew all along you were there behind my paper target but convinced myself I wouldnít get you, because weíve ignored each other for so long that I forgot where you were standing.
You said I shouldíve shouted at you that You were losing me and shouldíve ended our marriage before starting a new relationship. You are right! I should have and I did shout at you many times and begged you too, I told you our marriage was in trouble didnít I? but you disagreed and I honestly thought you didnít care at that time, only seeing you in pain now made me realize that you care. but thatís not what this email is about. True, I should have ended my marriage before starting a new relationship, but I never wanted to do neither. I know you donít believe me, but the truth is even when I resented you, I never stopped loving you and never could get myself to leave you. Before you say it, I know that I was selfish for thinking I could keep both lives going parallel, I was stupid for falling for it, I realize now That I was wrong about you, and that I took you for granted and didnít appreciate you. I really suggest you open your heart to ďPastorĒ he is a wise man; he opened my eyes to understand your ways of expressing love, I was really blind and unappreciative to you Andy. I acted like an addicted and entitled teenager and to be honest with you Iím still struggling to get over the whole situation and would love the support you have always provided. However, I wish one day you would realize your part of what went wrong too.
You said that I went out of my way to humiliate you, again Iím so sorry you feel that way, I hope you realize that you are too good of a man to be humiliated, No one knows you more than me no one now what kind of man you are more than me. Like I wrote above I was stupid to aim at a paper target knowing you were right behind it. My Affair was never about you or anyone else, it started from a platonic friendship and escalated to full Affair in a matter of few months. Iím ashamed to admit that I didnít even consider you or the kids during that time. I managed to live two separate lives suppressing any feeling of guilt. Donít get me wrong I knew what I was doing and tried to end it many times but like a drug addict I was too week to stop it. It wasnít about the sex or replacing you, it wasnít about him either. I donít know exactly what it was about, hopefully I can find out. But one thing for sure you are a complete man, there was nothing about you that made me betray you. From sexuality standpoint, if thatís your concern, you are much superior.
You said that I gave him what was precious to us and that I dressed up for him, thought about what I could do for him and that I did things for him, emotionally, romantically, sexually that I never did for you. Yes I did all that and to be honest reading it the way you wrote it made me hate myself more. I wish I could change that, there is no excuse or debate about how wrong I was. The only thing I want to add and please do not take it the wrong way Iím just stating the truth, you did not want any of that, You rejected all my intimacies you cared less if I dressed sexy or not, before reading your email I was convinced that you didnít want anything like that from me. Correct me if Iím wrong. He, in the other hand appreciated that part of my femininity and valued it more and I blindly fell for it. Iím not arguing that I was wrong for allowing him that. All I want is a chance to let you have my femininity for you only.
You said that I would not do the hard work to win you back and it would be better for me to go be with him. I say why donít you try me? Thatís all Iím asking for, one chance or even half of a chance. I know you donít believe it but I never wanted to be with him, all the messages you read were a pack of lies that we exchanged. I donít care about his money. I know more than anyone else that money will not buy happiness. The happiest Iíve been was when we had no money living in a one-bedroom apartment with an infant. I would give everything I have to re-live one of those days. I remember how scared we were when we were pregnant but once we had Emily we never looked back. It wasnít about his money believe me, thank god we have more than enough. Why I would want to do the hard work? Because I owe it to you, to the kids and also to myself. And I understand that you need time to accept me and my mistakes. But like I promised before I would do anything to make it right. All Iím asking is to try me,
You asked why I havenít ended communication with him, I did I swear and blocked him. Last thing he heard from me was that I would put a restraining order if he ever contact me. Here is the number his wife asked for 804******, even if you left me I wouldnít reach him because I have caused too much damages to his wife and kids already. If I can ask you a favor, I would love to talk to her and apologize to her in person, I would let her say whatever she wants and will answer any question she might have.
You said that Iím not remorseful but just regret being caught and want to save face in front of our family. You are correct about wanting to save face, but thatís not all. I want to do whatís right period. And whatís right is to save marriage and be the best wife and mother I can be, Iím educating myself about what a remorseful spouse should do and how to act and how a mother should behave in front of her children
Things I did so far to make myself ready:
1- I Ďm giving my life back to my saver Jesus Christ.
2- I ended the affair.
3- Iím actively looking for not just a new job but a new carrier
4- Iím in counseling
5- Iím willing to give you access to my phone, computer, tablet, emails and everything you might want.
6- Iím letting know where Iím everytime I leave our house and willing to let you GPS my car if you want to. And
7- Most importantly, my to do sheet is available for you to add anything you think necessary.
Iím glad youíre opening up to me, reading your email was painful at times but at the end itís giving me a glimpse of hope. Please know That Iím here for you should you need me, Again I know you donít believe anything I say or write but Iím going to say it anyway, I LOVE YOU.

[This message edited by AHGuy at 5:32 PM, July 28th (Tuesday)]

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