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New Betrayed Husband

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KingofNothing posted 7/26/2020 15:07 PM

ike test she went out with her mom and made sure to tell me where she was going and that they’re visiting her moms friend who’s sick then sent me pictures . Later her mom called to let me know that WW is with her and to not worry. I don’t know what that meant. I know she is getting advice ande guidance form the pastor.

Oh, man... so she did the easiest possible thing, did she? News flash, that's not that impressive. That's just the surface level, simple thing she can do to try to demonstrate how "trustworthy" she is. That entire sequence was for public show, so her mom (and maybe her pastor) can see she is "trying".
She wants to do what she can do to look like the poor innocent victim here. "AHGuy is so harsh, he won't forgive.. look what I'm doing to try to reconcile with him" That's not going to make up for years of abuse and humiliation at her hands and the OM's.

Speaking of the Pastor, AHGuy, have you spoken to the Pastor as well? You should be talking to somebody in a support group that isn't A) your own kids (though I agree they need to know what mom did) or B) a bunch of online strangers (even though we certainly support you). Like your fishing buddies, for one thing (which is great), but maybe someone who is ostensibly there to counsel and support the community. The other thing is that the Pastor is a central part of your wife's community and she is telling him (almost certainly) a heavily edited version of events. You can bet the version where you are uncaring, work too much and ignore her is the version he's getting. Since you go to the same church (I am assuming), maybe you might want to go talk to him. It might be important to you that the true version of the narrative to be out there or soon the entire church will be thinking YOU cheated on HER.

I don’t remember the number but it wasn’t an area code that I recognized, I also learned that OM had at least 3 other affairs before my wife, one with a wife of his best friend. He also was involved with a 21 years old girl 5 years ago he was in his 50s . Should I let my wife know that her sweet talking lover who buys flowers every week is nothing but POS?

Did you save screenshots of anything? She informed you, right? I thought you had a ton of data on this thing. It sounds like OM was using a burner phone. Can you access phone records? Man, that guy sounds like a real loser. Simple question. Is your wife willing to speak to the OM's wife? Confess everything? You don't have to reconcile with her but you could demonstrate you would consider it, with no guarantees, if she took some steps to show she was all in on conclusively demonstrating that the affair was 100% over. One way would be for her to admit her part of the affair to the OM's wife and answer her questions and confirm her fears.
If she's truly recalcitrant, truly wants to fix things, she would be agreeing to this. If not, she's telling you everything you need to know here. She's still protecting the OM over your interests.

Other questions: Does her realty firm and the OM still do business? Does she own the firm or does she work for a larger company. I would assume, I would hope, that if a realtor sleeps with a client she at least shouldn't be working with them any more. Does her company know what happened? I know, I've asked this before but I don't think you responded unless I'm forgetting things. I would think, if she were truly TRYING to fix things, she might want to go find another job, or give any accounts for the OM to another realtor. Again, if she pushes back on that, she is likely still embroiled in an affair.

Yesterday, the other wife called, she is fed up and wants to quit the fight too. she wanted to know what phone number her POS husband used to contact my wife , because he is denying it and accusing me of lying,

Okay, this is important.. didn't the OM's wife approach YOU first? That's how you found out, right? Why would he think you are lying? Your wife admitted it-- is he saying she's lying too? Has he seen copies of the texts he sent her?

I know, you're depressed right now. That's entirely understandable. You didn't ask for this, you didn't do anything wrong, and the person you trusted most in life has shivved you in the back. It's a fact. You're a tough, decent guy, and you're been wronged. Don't think you can tough your way through this without a little help. If you haven't put in for an IC appointment (especially specializing in betrayal trauma) then it is high time you try it.

Best of luck with this, sending you strength and support.


[This message edited by KingofNothing at 3:18 PM, July 26th (Sunday)]

Newlifeisgreat posted 7/26/2020 15:09 PM

Being down is completely natural at this stage.

But eventually you will need to stop the negative spiral into the abyss! Can you call up one of your daughters or daughters and either invite them to come over tonight for a simple cookout. And tell them there will be no discussion related to the cheater.

You have nothing to feel bad about. You were a hard working man who obviously loved his family. SHE is the one that’s should feel ashamed, but she is so selfish, that she probably doesn’t as she see’s nothing wrong with what she did.

Definitely ask her for the phone number of the texts for the POS’s wife, then tell your cheater (Sorry, don’t want to refer to her as anything complimentary) about the other affairs, especially the 21 year ago. Just don’t tell her when they were. Let here fear that he was sleeping with them at the same time. Break up her Fantasyland a bit!!

Hang in there!!!

You will be ok. I promise it gets better and better as time goes along, despite the occasional bad day or 2.

Keep head up!

If you haven’t done so already, at least call to make the appointments with a few lawyers.

Buster123 posted 7/26/2020 15:12 PM

after reading your comments and thought about it I m realizing that she is not going to work hard , I’m giving up. I really am which sucks.

Just in case you missed my previous post, here's the list of basic things she would need to be doing immediately and answer in order for R to have a chance at success but with no guarantees, you mentioned that "she's not going to work hard" which means it's time to file but did you ever press her on the following to arrive at that conclusion:

1) Did you ask her point blank if she loved/loves POSOM ? what were her feelings for him then and now, does she still miss him or the A ? did she feel she was "cheating on him" when she had "duty sex" with you ?.

2) Why didn't she stop completely after being confronted by her sister ? what reason did she give her sister as to why she couldn't stop the A?.

3) Why is she still receiving texts from POSOM without telling him not to ever contact her again? She needs to send him an NC FOREVER text telling him if he does it again legal action would be taken, it has to be done right then and there in front of you, short and to the point (no sweet goodbyes).

4) When is she getting tested for STDs (full panel) ?

5) She said she was contemplating D even before she met OM, have there been other OMs during your M ? any close calls ? she should take a polygraph about POSOM and that this may not have been her first rodeo. How did having an A "kept your M alive" ? is it because she was no longer bored and the excitement kept her going ? if so, what would happen next time she gets bored ?

6) The colleague who enabled the A needs to go immediately, she should call her in front of you (on speaker) and end the friendship/business relationship on the spot, I would go a step further, she used her job to help cover the A, if you don't need the income to live I would tell her she has to quit the job and focus on the M, the A lasted more than 2 years so I think it's fair she's not allowed to be involved in real estate at least for that long, she could use that time to get trained and/or find a different type of job (another consequence for her huge betrayal), this will show how committed she is to saving the M.

7) Tell her that she needs to sign a post-nuptial agreement in your favor in case she cheats again (no alimony, she doesn't touch your retirement and you keep the house).

Or did you simply arrived at the conclusion that "she's not going to work hard" because she's still blaming you for the A ?. Either way your logical step now after her huge betrayal and current state of mind is to file for D and have served at the office without warning, remember that you can always stop if if she comes around and stops blaming you and commits to doing the heavy lifting to restore the M she destroyed, or NOT ! by that time and if it ever happens you may not want her back which is fine too.

Keep posting frequently, remember that the collective wisdom of SI could help you go through this difficult situation, we've seen it play out THOUSANDS of times, every case is different but cheaters typically follow a script.

anoldlion posted 7/26/2020 15:30 PM

Let me reentrant that I'm not taking sides with your wife. She did a terrible thing to you and your marriage. But let me also say, without regard to the infidelity, that she does have some valid points. By your own admission you did ignore things she ask of you and you did not spend quality time with her. I really don't think she is asking you to be like the POS OM. She is asking you to be her husband and to take time with her. The POS OM did things that would assure him that he could keep the affair going. You said that you were not the kind of man that bought flowers or said romantic things to her. That you didn't do things like the POS OM. So your way of relating to your wife...how did that work out for you? In your business, if you are putting in a heating unit and it's not working, do you continue trying to make it work with the same component or do you change and do something else that does work? I think, like my wife, she just wanted to have your attention and feel like you loved her and wanted to be with her. In the last 3 years what have you ever done that really showed her she was your priority in life. I learned, the hard way, that my wife is not just an individual, she is part of me. How I treat her does matter and also reflects on me.

Yes tell her you have talked with the OW and she told you about three other affairs the POS OM has had. That, in reality, your wife was just another notch on his bed post. That the bed she had sex with him and the cabin and boat had probably been used by him with three other women before you.
Try and get the number the POS OM is calling your wife from. When and if you do see an attorney don't forget the restraining order.

I fully believe that what she wanted was for you to have shown that she was important and a priority to to you. Again, I have been in the same position where the job and everything else came before the spouse. Never again will I let that happen. I was lucky and came out ahead and have had a great marriage for four decades.

I have to say that I have never heard of a WW giving a BH a blank sheet of paper and telling the BH to list what he wants her to do and she will do what he list. That in itself is a powerful move toward wanting reconciliation.
When it comes to divorce there are two questions that one must ask themselves. (1) Do I still love my spouse and does she love me? (2) Will the rest of my life be better with or without my spouse?

Everyone makes decisions that they wish to heaven they hadn't made. Man, I don't even want to think about my list. In combat I have been in situations where all the decisions were bad but I still had to make a decision. I like to believe that even the wrong ones helped me grow as a man and assure myself I'd not do that again. The majority, when they hear cheating, the only answer is divorce. I believe divorce is the only answer if nothing is goin to change. I also understand that cheating is something you will never forget. There are some things that you are meant never to forget. Those are the things that you have to decide if you can live with and still be the person you want to be. Much of the advice given is, "she/he is still doing this or that and lying to you or still in the affair, or rug sweeping, trying to blame you." In truth they don't know what your WW is thinking. They don't really know, except by your post, what you are really thinking. They do know what happened in their situation and are actually telling you what could be happening based on their situation. In the end, like Harry Truman, "the buck stops with you." You have to make the decision that best for you and those you love and a decision you will have to live with the rest of your life. I do wish you well.

J0ck posted 7/26/2020 16:27 PM

Just wanted to say your actually doing better than you think with all this my friend.

Just a thought if your wife's such a good church going lady who only cheated because of your neglect etc etc what had the other mans wife and kids done wrong to her.

Reread beyond rage's post some good thoughts there and once again you really need legal advice which ever way you go with this.

J0ck posted 7/26/2020 16:43 PM

And the three other affairs he's had are only the ones his wife knows about, what a prince among men.
Your worth ten of him.

ShutterHappy posted 7/26/2020 17:14 PM

I think busters123 have very good questions. So the POSOM had 3 other affairs ( as far as the OBS knows). So basically he’s a player.

I would tell your WW about this and also get the text the OM sent. Will she (your WW) try to protect the OM?

I think Robert22205https has good points. You can start the D process and see if your WW wakes up before the court date.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 5:29 PM, July 26th (Sunday)]

ChamomileTea posted 7/26/2020 17:41 PM

So basically he’s a player.

... a player with a burner phone.

LH42301 posted 7/26/2020 18:28 PM

AHGuy,

This shit is tough. I am sending you to a place similar to Parris Island for betrayed husbands. SGT. lonely husband 42301 boot camp. Close your eyes and pretend you are on the bus, I am in your face telling you loudly YOU WIL BE OK.

You are standing at attention on the yellow footprints of LH42301 Boot Camp. Stand at attention and focus on me. Picture R.Lee Ermy, only I am better looking. Your response I’d Yes Drill SGT. LH!

1- This shit is not your fault. Understand recruit? Repeat. This shit is not your fault! It is on her 100%.

2- You can and will come out on the other side stronger.

3- You are not allowed to say you are a loser in my platoon recruit. Got it!?

4- You have been wounded, you can and will recover. That is a direct order.

5- You are stronger than you realize. Repeat you are stronger than your realize.

6- Left foot, right foot, breathe, repeat!

7- You will do things your way. Your WW will not dictate to you what to do.

8- You can and will deflect all blame shifting from this shit storm. The blame is on her 100%.

9- POSOM is no better than you recruit. You have class. You are a good man. He is not worthy to wipe your ass. UNDERSTAND!

10- You will not let her re-write your marriage history.

11- Whether you D or R you will be ok.

12- should you decided to D, she is the loser not you. You are a winner! YOU ARE THE PRIZE, not your wife. Many women would walk on cut glass barefooted for a man like you.

13- She aimed for the stars, but all she shots was the moon.

14- You can and will implement the 180.

15- You will read NO More Mr Nice us and Grow A Pair.

16- You will learn one word any time she tries to lay her bullshit on you. Your word is UNACCEPTABLE! Got it!

17- Hit the gym and become a lean mean dating machine.

18- Go out and get a new wardrobe and dress to the nines. Not for her but for you. Remember ZZTop....Every Girl is Crazy bout a Sharp Dressed Man.!

19- Questions?

20- DISMISSED!

Newlifeisgreat posted 7/26/2020 18:37 PM

I have to disagree with Anoldlion. If the cheater was bored or felt neglected, all she had to do was up her effort to rekindle the spark. Before she slept with the other guy, did she say to the one she was married to, “honey, be home by 6 pm on Friday. We are going out on a date”???? Did she ever get someone to watch there youngest and take the one she vowed to forsake all others for to a long weekend in a bed and breakfast???

If she wasn’t happy in the marriage, and her extra efforts weren’t improving the situation, then she should have filed for divorce before joining another man in his bed.

As for the blank sheet, I’m interpreting that as her way of saying “YOU Come up with the plan and I will check off all the boxes, then we can sweep this under the rug, and then live happily ever after, as if this never took place.” And she will do the minimum to be able to check an item off that list.

ShutterHappy posted 7/26/2020 18:37 PM

Yes Chamomiletea. It makes sense... The OM gets his kick seducing other women and humiliate their husband. I bet he’s practiced in doing that sort of thing.

I made me do it because he wanted to humiliate me. He wanted me to do it because he could’ve hire someone else from that town.

All those stories about “how jealous he is”, “wanting to leave his spouse when the kids are grown”, it’s all BS. I bet he’ll get extra happy when AH’s wife gets divorced, he’s just going to drop her for the next conquest.

But, ultimately, AH’s WW is still responsible for letting a 3rd party in their marriage, player or not.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 7:03 PM, July 26th (Sunday)]

Buffer posted 7/26/2020 20:18 PM

Brother, you are you there, we are just faceless names on a screen. We all have opinions or suggestions but are not you. We have BTDT with scares but aren’t you.
Like LH42301 said, left foot, right foot, breath repeat.
Start the paperwork now, have her served at work. It can be ceased at anytime if you decide to R. But man; two years of lies and disrespect that is hard to build R on that base.
Eat healthy and drink shit loads of water, alcohol or recreational drugs, won’t help.
Can I ask what she thinks of herself being the third notch on his country bed post? If she has any morals or self respect, this information should make her cease communication with him.
I believe with most that this is on her, she laid back and guided him in. Don’t change your self or admit this is on you so to build R. That isn’t you.
She wouldn’t do the same if you had bought your lover to her real estate office for rental advice.
One day at a time.
Buffer

GoldenR posted 7/27/2020 01:44 AM

anoldlion

Let me reentrant that I'm not taking sides with your wife. She did a terrible thing to you and your marriage. But...

Anything after this point is blameshifting. You've really become the resident cheater's apologist, haven't you?

And now you're throwing in questions like "How did that work out for you?" to the BH/OP, implying that the answer is "she cheated on me".

SMMFH...ridiculous

[This message edited by GoldenR at 1:47 AM, July 27th (Monday)]

steadychevy posted 7/27/2020 06:23 AM

Disregard anoldlion's post. This is the same bullshit we warn against about going to a marriage or couple's councilor too soon. It's too soon. Acknowledging this provides the excuse for the adultery is part of the process for rugsweeping the adultery. Right now marital issues are on the backburner.

There is nothing you did or did not do that made your WW commit adultery. Nothing.

There are issues in all marriages. Those issues are shared in some proportion. They need to be worked on to have a good marriage. You may have taken on more responsibility based on her re-writing marital history than is yours to own.

Right now adultery is the issue. Should R become a possibility based on her actions then marital issues can be explored. Not before or rugsweeping begins and shit sandwich eating continues.

Tigersrule77 posted 7/27/2020 06:50 AM

I have to say that I have never heard of a WW giving a BH a blank sheet of paper and telling the BH to list what he wants her to do and she will do what he list. That in itself is a powerful move toward wanting reconciliation.

I disagree with this statement. The WW broke the vows and blew up the M. In this case, the WW had a long term A, manipulated and humiliated the BH (the trip to WV was TOTALLY about that and WW's statements denying that are LIES). BH should not have to tell her what to do to rebuild the M. SHE should be making the effort to show her BH that he is the most important thing in her life if she wants R. Until she starts making major efforts, there is no reason for BH to do anything.

beenthereinco posted 7/27/2020 07:38 AM

I have to say that I have never heard of a WW giving a BH a blank sheet of paper and telling the BH to list what he wants her to do and she will do what he list.

Not new to me at all. Just a variation of the old "I'll do anything to fix this". I've seen this statement plenty of time and I've also seen that they don't really mean it a lot of times as well. "Anything" doesn't always include dropping the AP unfortunately.

Stillbleeding7 posted 7/27/2020 07:44 AM

1st Don't be fooled by her doing stuff for you as that is probably how you feel loved. 2nd What in the world can she "promise you in the world" that will restore what she has stolen from you. Is she saying if you own up to your part in the A? She is 100 percent owner of that. And just because your love language is different than hers doesn't mean you own 50 percent of all the problems in the marriage. Her checking in is not a good sign. It is control. How sad is that "with mom don't worry ". She has already had another man between her legs. She can't fix that. If she is getting counseling from the pastor he might be selling her on your "part of this". Speaking of selling don't let her finly turned selling skills sell you out. If the other wife is going to quit be ready to see WW change and look to the POSOM. Yes let WW know through her mom about the other affairs and 21 year old. Mom wants in to control you use that to feed poison to WW and POSOM relationship. Stay strong. Sofar this WW isn't showing signs of being a good candidate for R. Mine did and it is still work from time to time. Rug sweeping for 30 years DOES NOT WORK. The monster grows under there. If she doesn't charge save your self. You can lose more than money, your health your life if she causes you to get sick. She is not worth it.

AHGuy posted 7/27/2020 08:50 AM

Finally I can sit and respond to some of your comments. I read them all more than once some even 4 or 5 times I couldn't respond because I hate phone typing and in wasn't home most of the weekend. I fond myself avoiding my own kids and house which sucks that's not me but I was feeling broken and couldn't help not to think what my sons think of me. yes they made it clear to their mom that they were upset with her but they probably think I'm less of man for not meeting her needs and her seeking satisfaction from another man. they've been avoiding me too. in the other hand my daughter calls me multiple times a day to check on me to make sure I'm not killing myself. she is worried that I'm drinking too much since DDay. My wife and I didn't talk since Friday she wanted to last night I shut her down, I guess 180 is driving her crazy, she said that we gotta talk I told her I will respond in writing, I will use Stevesn letter after some editing and adding the new information i learned about her lover 3 other affairs.
Buster you wrote:

Just in case you missed my previous post, here's the list of basic things she would need to be doing immediately and answer in order for R to have a chance at success but with no guarantees, you mentioned that "she's not going to work hard" which means it's time to file but did you ever press her on the following to arrive at that conclusion:

1) Did you ask her point blank if she loved/loves POSOM ? what were her feelings for him then and now, does she still miss him or the A ? did she feel she was "cheating on him" when she had "duty sex" with you ?.

2) Why didn't she stop completely after being confronted by her sister ? what reason did she give her sister as to why she couldn't stop the A?.

3) Why is she still receiving texts from POSOM without telling him not to ever contact her again? She needs to send him an NC FOREVER text telling him if he does it again legal action would be taken, it has to be done right then and there in front of you, short and to the point (no sweet goodbyes).

4) When is she getting tested for STDs (full panel) ?

5) She said she was contemplating D even before she met OM, have there been other OMs during your M ? any close calls ? she should take a polygraph about POSOM and that this may not have been her first rodeo. How did having an A "kept your M alive" ? is it because she was no longer bored and the excitement kept her going ? if so, what would happen next time she gets bored ?

6) The colleague who enabled the A needs to go immediately, she should call her in front of you (on speaker) and end the friendship/business relationship on the spot, I would go a step further, she used her job to help cover the A, if you don't need the income to live I would tell her she has to quit the job and focus on the M, the A lasted more than 2 years so I think it's fair she's not allowed to be involved in real estate at least for that long, she could use that time to get trained and/or find a different type of job (another consequence for her huge betrayal), this will show how committed she is to saving the M.

7) Tell her that she needs to sign a post-nuptial agreement in your favor in case she cheats again (no


I didn't miss your original post, thanks for your help
1- I didn't ask her directly if she loved him I just told her she did based on the texts she sent to him, I questioned how could she love both of us, she said it was different and she was lying to him and herself, she said she loved the way he treated her and cared for her but it wasn't about sex or money for her. I need to ask her if she misses him maybe I'll mention it in my letter.
2- According to her, When she admitted to her sister she broke up with him , but he kept coming after her and she caved in, she said she tried breaking it up multiple times. she admitted lying to her sister by not giving her all the details.
3- Honestly when she told me I didn't care to ask her why he is still contacting her. it came after I told her that she he dumped her she said it wasn't the case and the OM still want a relationship with her and to prove it she showed me his messages.now The POSOM is denying to his that he ever sent her anything since last month and That i just made that up.
4- at this moment I don't give a F if sge tests for STD or not.
5- she said she was complementing D before meeting the OM, I'm not sure if she had other affairs before, what I know for sure her chance of life style started before the OM maybe 5 or 6 years ago started complaining about how I behave how I talk even How I eat.
6 her colleague who encouraged her A is the worst kind of people in my opinion, because she always smiled to my face and hugged me and sweat talked to me, I hate double faced people.
KingofNothing :
Did you save screenshots of anything? She informed you, right? I thought you had a ton of data on this thing. It sounds like OM was using a burner phone. Can you access phone records? Man, that guy sounds like a real loser. Simple question. Is your wife willing to speak to the OM's wife? Confess everything? You don't have to reconcile with her but you could demonstrate you would consider it, with no guarantees, if she took some steps to show she was all in on conclusively demonstrating that the affair was 100% over. One way would be for her to admit her part of the affair to the OM's wife and answer her questions and confirm her fears.
If she's truly recalcitrant, truly wants to fix things, she would be agreeing to this. If not, she's telling you everything you need to know here. She's still protecting the OM over your interests.

there wasn't any screenshot, she called me and let me know. The POSOM has had at least 4 affairs including my wife's. Affairs are wrong but doing it with your best friend's wife is unbelievable, I thought this only happens in movies, how shitty you gotta be to consider fucking your friend's wife, and a 21 years old girl not even half of his age. I don't think the other wife wants to hear anything from my wife even if she wants to apologize I don't blame her because I wouldn't want an apology from her cheating husband either.
Speaking of the Pastor, AHGuy, have you spoken to the Pastor as well? You should be talking to somebody in a support group that isn't A) your own kids (though I agree they need to know what mom did) or B) a bunch of online strangers (even though we certainly support you). Like your fishing buddies, for one thing (which is great), but maybe someone who is ostensibly there to counsel and support the community. The other thing is that the Pastor is a central part of your wife's community and she is telling him (almost certainly) a heavily edited version of events. You can bet the version where you are uncaring, work too much and ignore her is the version he's getting. Since you go to the same church (I am assuming), maybe you might want to go talk to him. It might be important to you that the true version of the narrative to be out there or soon the entire church will be thinking YOU cheated on HER.

I did speak with the pastor, he is a good guy, he offered to help us and to pray for us. I need to find a therapist once I settle I'm still in storm phase.The people that know are supporting me even her own family.
Other questions: Does her realty firm and the OM still do business? Does she own the firm or does she work for a larger company. I would assume, I would hope, that if a realtor sleeps with a client she at least shouldn't be working with them any more. Does her company know what happened? I know, I've asked this before but I don't think you responded unless I'm forgetting things. I would think, if she were truly TRYING to fix things, she might want to go find another job, or give any accounts for the OM to another realtor. Again, if she pushes back on that, she is likely still embroiled in an affair.

it is complicated, technically she works for one the biggest real estate company in the US if it's not the biggest, but she works with a group of 9 partners like a franchise. she would be fired if the company knew about her affair no doubt but I'm not really sure how was that handled and if her partners know or not. I assume they do I know for sure one of them knew about the A.
AHGuy,

This shit is tough. I am sending you to a place similar to Parris Island for betrayed husbands. SGT. lonely husband 42301 boot camp. Close your eyes and pretend you are on the bus, I am in your face telling you loudly YOU WIL BE OK.


You are standing at attention on the yellow footprints of LH42301 Boot Camp. Stand at attention and focus on me. Picture R.Lee Ermy, only I am better looking. Your response I’d Yes Drill SGT. LH!

SGT. LH. thank you sir I need this. you made my day already!

Buffer:


Start the paperwork now, have her served at work. It can be ceased at anytime if you decide to R. But man; two years of lies and disrespect that is hard to build R on that base.
Eat healthy and drink shit loads of water, alcohol or recreational drugs, won’t help.
Can I ask what she thinks of herself being the third notch on his country bed post? If she has any morals or self respect, this information should make her cease communication with him.
I believe with most that this is on her, she laid back and guided him in. Don’t change your self or admit this is on you so to build R. That isn’t you.
She wouldn’t do the same if you had bought your lover to her real estate office for rental advice.
One day at a time.

I have a phone consultation with a D lawyer later today. we'll see what it will take to file. I agree I need to watch my diet my drinking has gotten bad since DDay, but the real dagger is not being able to sleep full night.
to correct you, she is his 4th notch in his country bed not 3rd, I will let her know that in theses terms.
Since she already confessed to the family and they seem to be taking the position that her adultery was justified, consider taking bold action in order to get your story heard.
Robert22205https
If you believe that your wife has convinced your family that she was entitled to commit adultery (that you deserved this), then also send some of them a copy of the letter in order to blow up her/their collaborative fantasy.

she didn't convince anyone, none of them is buying her excuse to cheat, yes they may think that I'm not the easiest husband and father, that i want things my way or the high way,sure they know I'm not the seat romantic partner but they all made it clear that she was wrong. you've seen the look on her mom's face when I revealed some of the texts that woman broke down crying. her family are decent people her step dad is a real gentleman. i have nothing but respect to all of them

AHGuy posted 7/27/2020 09:30 AM

Let me reentrant that I'm not taking sides with your wife. She did a terrible thing to you and your marriage. But let me also say, without regard to the infidelity, that she does have some valid points. By your own admission you did ignore things she ask of you and you did not spend quality time with her. I really don't think she is asking you to be like the POS OM. She is asking you to be her husband and to take time with her. The POS OM did things that would assure him that he could keep the affair going. You said that you were not the kind of man that bought flowers or said romantic things to her. That you didn't do things like the POS OM. So your way of relating to your wife...how did that work out for you? In your business, if you are putting in a heating unit and it's not working, do you continue trying to make it work with the same component or do you change and do something else that does work? I think, like my wife, she just wanted to have your attention and feel like you loved her and wanted to be with her. In the last 3 years what have you ever done that really showed her she was your priority in life. I learned, the hard way, that my wife is not just an individual, she is part of me. How I treat her does matter and also reflects on me.

Yes tell her you have talked with the OW and she told you about three other affairs the POS OM has had. That, in reality, your wife was just another notch on his bed post. That the bed she had sex with him and the cabin and boat had probably been used by him with three other women before you.
Try and get the number the POS OM is calling your wife from. When and if you do see an attorney don't forget the restraining order.

I fully believe that what she wanted was for you to have shown that she was important and a priority to to you. Again, I have been in the same position where the job and everything else came before the spouse. Never again will I let that happen. I was lucky and came out ahead and have had a great marriage for four decades.

I have to say that I have never heard of a WW giving a BH a blank sheet of paper and telling the BH to list what he wants her to do and she will do what he list. That in itself is a powerful move toward wanting reconciliation.
When it comes to divorce there are two questions that one must ask themselves. (1) Do I still love my spouse and does she love me? (2) Will the rest of my life be better with or without my spouse?

Everyone makes decisions that they wish to heaven they hadn't made. Man, I don't even want to think about my list. In combat I have been in situations where all the decisions were bad but I still had to make a decision. I like to believe that even the wrong ones helped me grow as a man and assure myself I'd not do that again. The majority, when they hear cheating, the only answer is divorce. I believe divorce is the only answer if nothing is goin to change. I also understand that cheating is something you will never forget. There are some things that you are meant never to forget. Those are the things that you have to decide if you can live with and still be the person you want to be. Much of the advice given is, "she/he is still doing this or that and lying to you or still in the affair, or rug sweeping, trying to blame you." In truth they don't know what your WW is thinking. They don't really know, except by your post, what you are really thinking. They do know what happened in their situation and are actually telling you what could be happening based on their situation. In the end, like Harry Truman, "the buck stops with you." You have to make the decision that best for you and those you love and a decision you will have to live with the rest of your life. I do wish you well.


Anoldlion,
First of all, Thank you very much for your service, people like you who served our country and were willing to sacrificed their lives for us deserve all our respect. thank you sir!
I read both of your comments and I gotta admit I'm amazed by your perspective, your calmness, your coolness your ability to accept and whatever you have that I don't know the right term for that made you accept your wife infidelity, I just do not have that I really don't.
I'm the first to admit that I'm not an easy going guy, yes I work long hours even before I had my own business I always had side jobs lined up but Unlike you and again with all due respect to you I never left my family, I was home every evening. I cook and clean almost every night. none of my friends do that I'm pretty sure most man do not do that. when our kids were little I used to take care of them myself, bottle feeding them, changing diapers giving them showers she never had to worry about them. I did all that because I wanted to be a good father and husband. I'm not saying that I'm perfect I'm not. I do like the outdoors too much and rather work in the yard than sit with her watching TV which she hates , I don't like going out a lot and she did. maybe we are not compatible but that was never an issue til maybe the last 5 or 6 years. she wanted to go out she felt her life is passing by without her having the fun she deserved, I really thought it was just midlife crisis and maybe it is. I didn't know she was contemplating divorce, yes i won't lie she told me she wasn't happy she asked for couple counseling more than once but do you really think the A was justified? I really do not.

Mrhealed posted 7/27/2020 09:35 AM

Doubled post

[This message edited by Mrhealed at 9:42 AM, July 27th (Monday)]

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