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New Betrayed Husband

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Hurtmyheart posted 7/25/2020 10:47 AM

AHGuy, I'm sorry for what you are going through.

Infidelity and death of a love one (especially a spouse or child) are some of the most traumatizing events in life.

Try to take some breaks to rest your body and mind . This journey that you are on has no quick fixes and is going to be a long one, no way around it either... go through it.

Again, I'm sorry you are going through this.

redwing6 posted 7/25/2020 11:00 AM

AH, reread Stevens last post. Print it out and give it to your wife...Don't be Plan B...

faithfulman posted 7/25/2020 11:35 AM

AHguy - I strongly suggest you get all the sexual details you can, subject to polygraph.

The reason is, if you decide reconciliation is possible to try, You will want to know if you can accept "what she did".

You don't want to be haunted by mind movies (Which will happen anyway) and "the unknown" of how far she went and debased the sacred bond of your marriage by crossing lines physically in order to win this man's favor.


You will want to know if she gave him sexual acts you may have wanted and she held back from you, or if she simply did some things that absolutely disgust you whether you desired them or not.

***

Also, her explanation to you was this man was filling in the part of the life where you neglected her, like he was some sort of good guy trying to help her out, and they had some genuine connection.

If it were me, I would let her know exactly what her value and utility is for this man.

This is raw, so be prepared for harsh language:

"You were nothing but an easy fuckhole for him, a cum receptacle. Probably so he could violate you in ways his wife would not allow. You have no value to him other than what he could do to you with his penis and to see how far he could push you to please him. The moment you stop giving him sex, he tosses you straight in the trash."

Because that is the fact. Don't let her spin it into anything but her being his sidepiece for easy ass. That's all she was to him, that's what she destroyed your family for.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 11:42 AM, July 25th (Saturday)]

Buffer posted 7/25/2020 19:57 PM

Not a bad letter
Buffer

NaturalX posted 7/25/2020 23:54 PM

Not Just Friends it will tell you female infidelity results in more divorces percentages than male because of the emotional component that is usually present before the sex starts.

Men tend to have more to lose from staying with a cheating woman both financially and biologically than women do staying with a cheating husband.

longsadstory1952 posted 7/26/2020 08:33 AM

AH. Do not send that letter unless you are 100 percent offering R.

Also, the revolver thing is over the top, there is too much pleading in it.

While you can and should respond in many of the ways that are set forth, you can do so in direct ways by making direct statements.

Newlifeisgreat posted 7/26/2020 09:45 AM

Just checking in on you.
How are you doing?

Hopefully youíve read all of the post-meeting comments as well as listened to the meeting on the VAR. I know that you are reluctant when it comes to change, but I think you know what you have to do for your own well being.

Yes, I know you are in pain, but I promise you that you will feel all that weight slide right off your shoulders once you make the decision. And donít fear the unknown. Ask anyone that has gone through this and they will tell you that their fears never became reality. If you look around here, you will find threads asking if anyone ever regretted their decision to divorce. Iíve never seen any betrayed spouse say they regretted it, but they did regret not divorcing sooner.

I also promise that you will be shocked at how incredibly good the other side of divorce is for the partner that remained faithful.


Donít allow yourself to be her Plan B! No one deserves that!! Everyone deserves to find someone that loves them completely and unconditionally, and the thought of even looking at someone else is an impossibility to them!!!

Good luck.
Stay strong.

And lean on your friends and family. They WANT to help you in your time of need but may be hesitant to offer help out of fear of being viewed of getting too involved with your issues and butting in. But they DO WANT TO HELP!!!! Just like you would want to help any friend or family member who was in crisis.

Now, head up! Shoulders back! Youíve done nothing wrong or anything to be ashamed or embarrassed about. This is ALL on her!!! You can look yourself in the mirror with pride that you are a good man, father, friend, and yes, husband!! She was the failure!!!!!


Now go out there and seize the day!!!


[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 9:48 AM, July 26th (Sunday)]

Hurtmyheart posted 7/26/2020 10:23 AM

"Everyone deserves to find someone that loves them completely and unconditionally, and the thought of even looking at someone else is an impossibility to them!!!"


This is a nice perspective coming from a man!!

AHGuy posted 7/26/2020 12:03 PM

Thanks folk all your support. Iíve been reading all your comments, Stevesn, thanks for taking from your time to help, Iím considering your sample letter.
No major updates other than I learn more about POS OM and his wife, from a long convo had with his wife.
I m still ignoring her I do not talk to her nor respond to her messages, I ve been feeling down last 2 days, after reading your comments and thought about it I m realizing that she is not going to work hard , Iím giving up. I really am which sucks.
Her messages are basically about the same thing blaming me for ignoring her and promising the world if I own that up. Think about it she wants me to be like OM in order for her to commit to any hard work. At the same time she shows some good signs just to make me more confused, like test she went out with her mom and made sure to tell me where she was going and that theyíre visiting her moms friend whoís sick then sent me pictures . Later her mom called to let me know that WW is with her and to not worry. I donít know what that meant. I know she is getting advice ande guidance form the pastor.
Yesterday, the other wife called, she is fed up and wants to quit the fight too. she wanted to know what phone number her POS husband used to contact my wife , because he is denying it and accusing me of lying, he showed her his phone and ran a credit report to show he didnít have any other account, made me laugh . I donít remember the number but it wasnít an area code that I recognized, I also learned that OM had at least 3 other affairs before my wife, one with a wife of his best friend. He also was involved with a 21 years old girl 5 years ago he was in his 50s . Should I let my wife know that her sweet talking lover who buys flowers every week is nothing but POS?
I will respond to some of your comments later, today Iím in a mood to just crawl to hole and disappear.
Thanks again

Stinger posted 7/26/2020 12:08 PM

It is not giving up. You have nothing to work with.

nscale56 posted 7/26/2020 12:09 PM

Yes let her know.
Ask for her wedding rings.
She lost the right to wear them. Are you also talking to the pastor?

[This message edited by nscale56 at 12:11 PM, July 26th (Sunday)]

beenthereinco posted 7/26/2020 12:10 PM

Sounds like the OM is an expert at this. The phone is a burner phone, that's why it is not in his name. He must have a lot to lose financially if he's fighting so hard to hang onto his marriage. I'd tell your WW everything you've found out about him. Let her know that the POS is tossing her under the bus and is nothing but a player. Maybe she will see that she has tossed away her life for a person that never cared about her in the least.

jb3199 posted 7/26/2020 12:19 PM

I also learned that OM had at least 3 other affairs before my wife, one with a wife of his best friend. He also was involved with a 21 years old girl 5 years ago he was in his 50s . Should I let my wife know that her sweet talking lover who buys flowers every week is nothing but POS?

A couple of pages ago, you mentioned this:

The POS is not remorseful and keeps blaming his wife, he told her he canít trust her because she payed someone to spy on him. What an arrogant POS.

While he is without doubt a POS, a better description than arrogant would be a fucking coward. A weasel, who waits until the one time that the henhouse is left unlocked, so he can go in for easy pickings. And in his gutless mind, he feels he 'accomplishes' something by 'taking' the wife of someone else.....all the while not realizing how pathetic he really is.

A POS. A fucking coward. A weasel.....with some material wealth, which makes him seem like some upstanding figure in society. When in reality, he is what makes the human race a little less decent in this world.

Robert22205https posted 7/26/2020 12:41 PM

I'm sorry you feeling so down (although it's expected). See your doctor for help sleeping and emotional swings.

1 - I would not reveal anything you know about the OM yet. Why? your wife needs to find her own way back to you because you are the "A" man (not because she's on the rebound from learning that the OM is a womanizer).

2 - Your wife's story, excuses, blame shifting etc is pretty typical. This is a long process that may or may not end in R or D. It's fine if you decide to divorce now (regardless of what she does going forward).

However, it's too soon to conclude that your wife will never wake up.

3 - I suggest sending her the letter plus filing for D. The sooner the better for your mental health and to blow up her continuing fantasy that you're to blame for her adultery.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 12:43 PM, July 26th (Sunday)]

Robert22205https posted 7/26/2020 13:09 PM

Since she already confessed to the family and they seem to be taking the position that her adultery was justified, consider taking bold action in order to get your story heard.

If you believe that your wife has convinced your family that she was entitled to commit adultery (that you deserved this), then also send some of them a copy of the letter in order to blow up her/their collaborative fantasy.

faithfulman posted 7/26/2020 13:15 PM

At the same time she shows some good signs just to make me more confused, like test she went out with her mom and made sure to tell me where she was going and that theyíre visiting her moms friend whoís sick then sent me pictures . Later her mom called to let me know that WW is with her and to not worry. I donít know what that meant.

This is really not a big positive. It is just about the least she can do.

I know she is getting advice ande guidance form the pastor.

Watch out! Here comes the rug-sweeping machine! "God forgives me, you should too!"


I donít remember the number but it wasnít an area code that I recognized, I also learned that OM had at least 3 other affairs before my wife, one with a wife of his best friend. He also was involved with a 21 years old girl 5 years ago he was in his 50s . Should I let my wife know that her sweet talking lover who buys flowers every week is nothing but POS?


Sure, let her know what he is... But way more important is to let her know what she is to him!

Read the harsh words I wrote above about how you should let her know what she truly is to this asshole, as opposed to her fantasy about what her cheating relationship being your fault and a way to keep going or whatever nonsense that she tried to sell you and will try to a pastor, a therapist etc. (And they will actually listen to it, and maybe give her gentle admonishment in how cheating is not the way to deal with her entirely credible problems that originate with you.)

I m still ignoring her I do not talk to her nor respond to her messages, I ve been feeling down last 2 days, after reading your comments and thought about it I m realizing that she is not going to work hard , Iím giving up. I really am which sucks.

You're not giving up, you're refusing to give in to her bullshit and find yourself in a years-long living hell with an unrepentant, unremorseful, cruel liar.

ChamomileTea posted 7/26/2020 13:39 PM

Her messages are basically about the same thing blaming me for ignoring her and promising the world if I own that up. Think about it she wants me to be like OM in order for her to commit to any hard work.

Try no work. Because the REAL work is about her and what's poisonous in her character which is capable of saying 'yes' to adultery. That's the beauty of the blame-shift though. The WS comes out of it thinking that their cheating is justified.

So, yeah... I agree with you. You can't R with someone who isn't willing to own their shit. And if I'm honest, the length of the affair already had me a bit concerned that R was a long shot. Two years is a long time to look your spouse in the face and LIE. That's 730 days of remaking her cheating choice, not counting all the willful deceit she added in there in order to get out of the house or message him on the sly. That means there's no holiday or anniversary where she wasn't cheating. And sure, we've seen affairs go longer and end up in R. It's not impossible. But added in with your WW's current insistence that her adultery is somehow your fault... I think I'd be leaning toward D as well.

ETA: And that's a big "hell yeah" on informing your WW on what a POS she's been cheating with. The guy is practically a pedophile.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 1:45 PM, July 26th (Sunday)]

Hurtmyheart posted 7/26/2020 13:57 PM

I feel that Mom doesn't quite get the depth of pain her daughter caused to you and now is trying to sweep this under the rug.

One of the conditions of R usually is accountability, giving you updates of the waywards whereabouts throughout the day.
My WH did this also but I felt so helpless and hopeless, hardly mattered. The damage was pretty much done and I never had the opportunity to recover completely anyway.

Mom has no business getting involved, trying to fix her daughter's immorality. It's almost like she is condoning her daughters behavior. Tell her to stay out of it.

Yes, take care of yourself, it's the most important thing you can do for now. I get it, life can really suck sometimes.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 1:58 PM, July 26th (Sunday)]

Buster123 posted 7/26/2020 14:51 PM

Her messages are basically about the same thing blaming me for ignoring her and promising the world if I own that up. Think about it she wants me to be like OM in order for her to commit to any hard work.

This is all you need to know to file for D. At this point you have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to work with, she's light years away from being remorseful and not a good candidate for R by a very long shot. After her 2 year LTA and her current attitude the proverbial "writing is in the wall".

BeyondRage posted 7/26/2020 14:58 PM

AH,

At the same time she shows some good signs just to make me more confused, like test she went out with her mom and made sure to tell me where she was going and that theyíre visiting her moms friend whoís sick then sent me pictures . Later her mom called to let me know that WW is with her and to not worry. I donít know what that meant.

That means absolutely nothing. It's time for you to start to stop the 180 bull shit and start demanding the answers to some questions. So she went out with her mother. Big fucking deal. Most likely, she talked to OM too.

YOU STILL HAVE NOT ASKED HER WHEN SHE SAW HIM LAST, IF HE HAS VISITED HER WORK, OR WHY SHE HAS NOT BLOCKED HIM AND CONTINUES TO TALK TO HIM. You can't get answers just sitting there letting her tell you what a lousy husband you are. She still has not committed too anything until YOU meet her demands.

You havent gotten to an attorney yet, and you haven't demanded a polygraph. Basically, you are still allowing yourself to be her punching bag.

The OBS is NOT going to rescue you my friend. She has swallowed the shit sandwich three times you know of and likes her lifestyle too much to put it all on the line to divorce him. That should be obvious. And OM knows that too and has no reason not to continue to pursue your wife.

And a pastor's main goal is to keep families together. He's not going to save you either.
ONLY YOU CAN DO THAT!

Eventually, she is going to tell you she knows whats going on and to stop bothering her.

When do you buckle your chin strap and play hardball???

So here's where youre at

Your wife has not committed to stop talking to him. You have no clue if she has seen him but you know he wants to see her. her family is blood and will stick with her no matter what and probably have been told how she did it because of you. And if other mans wife does divorce him, your wife will more than likely bolt with him.

Sorry if you are upset with this but your wife has shown absolutely no signs of doing anything to even really stop the affair that you can verify and you haven't even done anything but listen to prepared speeches and make her sleep somewhere else which she will eventually use to tell you that is why she won't give him up.

You need to get out of the paralysis caused by feeling like if you don't reconcile with her that you will be alone the rest of your life. Until you get on the offensive a bit here she will not do a damm thing but throw you crumbs.

I apologize for the 2 X 4 but you have about 95% of the responders here who do not know each other from Adam telling you in some words the same thing. The group is very rarely totally crazy.

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