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New Betrayed Husband

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Robert22205https posted 7/24/2020 08:43 AM

IMO she is not currently R material. She is not holding herself 100% accountable for her decision (among other options) to chose adultery. She's basically saying you deserved this ...

1 - She did not present 'facts' but rather her mental gymnastics and reconstruction of her marriage (IMO, a pretty typical marriage)in order to justify her decision to commit adultery.

In my experience a good lie always includes a certain amount of truth mixed into the story - but over all it's a story that also exposes her as: selfish, entitled, deceitful, and lacking empathy for you.


2 - she's a good sales person but her sales pitch/reasoning contradicts herself.

If she loved you, valued the tight family, and what you built together - why would she risk loosing it all!

It's tempting to view your wife's reasoning/thinking & behavior leading up to and during the affair as 'unique' - but she's pretty typical.

It's a very common story:

She enjoyed the benefits of being married (and there were plenty) plus she wanted the romance & feelings associated with being a single woman.

Basically, she did it because she WANTED to and did not think she would get caught.

3 - She had plenty of opportunity to chose another option other than adultery. For example, why didn't she seek IC as soon as she realized she was unhappy and especially when tempted by the OM?

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 8:45 AM, July 24th (Friday)]

goalong posted 7/24/2020 09:08 AM

she is not angry at POS (A red flag)and also not emotional about betraying you . May be it is because he still tell her that he is not going to drop her ( while keeping busy trying to keep the marriage intact ) . who knows he may be telling her the truth.Since she says he kept the marriage alive, if his marriage ends and he come back to her, they will get together leaving you behind. If you are interested in R tell the POS to stop contacting in some choice words. You can also see your WW reaction to that if he let her know. There is also a possibility OBS trying to sabotage your WW business.

[This message edited by goalong at 9:13 AM, July 24th (Friday)]

GoldenR posted 7/24/2020 09:14 AM

we must have spent a whole hour or close to it talking just about that incident. She said that she had no intention to cokhold me or disrespected me but she understands why i feel bad about it. I told her that his comment were clear from a man stand point and as a woman she would not understand it, I told her him insisting on me doing it had only one purpose which is humiliate me for his own ego because I'm pretty sure there are 1000s of HVAC people that live closer to that house that would be more than happy to do it.. her point is that they agreed to keep the A away from family. she said the whole thing was wrong not just that day.

She thinks admitting that will be the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back and lead straight to D.

clouds777 posted 7/24/2020 09:19 AM

Whatever you decide, DO NOT GO TO MARRIAGE COUNSELING any time soon. You don't need it. She literally prepared a sales pitch to explain how you are responsible for her behavior. Huge red flag.

She is literally telling you why she had good reasons to have an affair and now IF you can do better at the marriage, it will get better. WTF. There is zero reason that she should have brought up anything you did, except she is doing mental gymnastics to make herself not the bad guy in the story. You do not have to accept this. Don't let it get to you either. You can live in reality and tell your loved ones and friends the real truth while she continues to live in a fantasy where she is not responsible for making thousands of calculated decisions to betray you.

Focus on trauma counseling for you. Stop caring what she is doing and give yourself time to do what is best FOR YOU. She is definitely still lying and focused on saving her ass, not healing you. She wants you to understand what you did to lead her to cheating. With this attitude, she is absolutely not a candidate for reconciliation now. I am sure you know this.

[This message edited by clouds777 at 9:25 AM, July 24th (Friday)]

Robert22205https posted 7/24/2020 09:45 AM

In the next 24hours, insist that your wife put the timeline in writing (subject to a polygraph).

Include what you and her family were doing on the days she cheated. Include their favorite restaurants, rituals/traditions/toasts, conversations, compliments, what exactly each said about their spouses and marriages - and what she was thinking when she returned home after each 'date'.

Why? because now when reality strikes and the fantasy world explodes, the process of writing it down tends to further destroy/convert any positive memories of their affair (as romantic, or harmless fun) into inappropriate, selfish & unfair acts of betrayal.

Thumos posted 7/24/2020 09:46 AM

Lots of continued lies, horrible blameshifting, continued gaslighting, DARVOíing you, minimizing, throwing up offensive rationalizations.

Not even close to remorseful. Not transparent. Fake. Inauthentic. As the words come pouring out of her vile mouth remember where that mouth has been and for how long she screwed the other man behind your back.

As she talks just visualize a stream of filthy gurgling black bile pouring out of her mouth. Same thing as what sheís saying.

Sheís a sales lady giving you a practiced pitch. You were plan B. Plan A dumped her and is freaking out, no matter what she says.

Now sheís frantically scrambling to see if plan B can be manipulated.

Can you be?

File now. Do it. Trust me I wish Iíd done it. Donít get trapped in limbo.

And donít fall for the magical vagina trick either. Donít do it.

The beatings will continue until the morale improves.

[This message edited by Thumos at 9:50 AM, July 24th (Friday)]

Robert22205https posted 7/24/2020 09:49 AM

Don't worry about pushing her back to the OM.

If there's any chance that she'd go back to the OM, then better you find out sooner than later.

Buster123 posted 7/24/2020 09:57 AM

MC is a waste of time and money right now. I think you need to read Beyond Rage's post again but I will add a couple of things:

1) Did you ask her point blank if she loved/loves POSOM ? what were her feelings for him then and now, does she still miss him or the A ? did she feel she was "cheating on him" when she had "duty sex" with you ?.

2) Why didn't she stop completely after being confronted by her sister ? what reason did she give her sister as to why she couldn't stop the A?.

3) Why is she still receiving texts from POSOM without telling him not to ever contact her again? She needs to send him an NC FOREVER text telling him if he does it again legal action would be taken, it has to be done right then and there in front of you, short and to the point (no sweet goodbyes).

4) When is she getting tested for STDs (full panel) ?

5) She said she was contemplating D even before she met OM, have there been other OMs during your M ? any close calls ? she should take a polygraph about POSOM and that this may not have been her first rodeo. How did having an A "kept your M alive" ? is it because she was no longer bored and the excitement kept her going ? if so, what would happen next time she gets bored ?

6) The colleague who enabled the A needs to go immediately, she should call her in front of you (on speaker) and end the friendship/business relationship on the spot, I would go a step further, she used her job to help cover the A, if you don't need the income to live I would tell her she has to quit the job and focus on the M, the A lasted more than 2 years so I think it's fair she's not allowed to be involved in real estate at least for that long, she could use that time to get trained and/or find a different type of job (another consequence for her huge betrayal), this will show how committed she is to saving the M.

7) Tell her that she needs to sign a post-nuptial agreement in your favor in case she cheats again (no alimony, she doesn't touch your retirement and you keep the house).

We all know she had the A because she WANTED to and of course it would still be ongoing had they not been caught, but one thing is knowing and another is her admitting to it, it helps with remorse, good job on recording the whole thing, btw if she refuses to do any of the above simply file for D and have her served, it can always be stopped if she comes around, or NOT !!!

AHGuy posted 7/24/2020 10:01 AM

thanks for all your replays, Im supposed to be off work today but when you own a business it is just impossible so I'm heading out to see a costumer. Before I get out I want to explain few things.
1 I did not agree to go to counseling with her, that was just what she hoped I could do.
2- she was apologetic and owned up the A, she never said that me ignoring her made her cheat, in fact she spent the first 10 minutes explaining how horrible and wrong cheating is, and what she was saying is that she felt the the OM interest slowly filled up the gap and before she knew she found herself trapped and struggled to break it off. she admitted she knew all along it was wrong. she did admit that A would have been still going on. and that every time she broke up with him he would just pour his heat out to her till she gives in.
3- she just told me about 30 minutes ago that OM has been reaching out to her since Monday using a different phone number. According to her she told him it's over but like before, he is texting and calling trying to convince her. I told her if it's really over between them all she had to do is to block his ass, she said she would.
4- Divorce is a very strong possibility if it's not the sure possibility. I'm getting a consultation soon. i don't rush into making decisions that's how I always been.
5- I'm not as good as this thread have alluded some of you to think I'm, I'm really hard to get along with but once you know me you would like me, I hate changes that's probably the main reason why I haven't filed yet other than I can't stop my love for her in 2 weeks.

toby posted 7/24/2020 10:13 AM

Did you ask her if she was in love with the OM or if she ever said the words to him?

ShutterHappy posted 7/24/2020 10:16 AM

AHGuy,

We read thousands of stories, and you are doing better than most. It doesnít feel like that but trust us.

Read busters123, he has very good points.

Like another poster said, your WW can send a cease and desist letter from a lawyer. You should also inform the OBS of the new phone.

Although Iím just as angry as everyone else about what happened to you, it is possible that your WW is starting to own up... but even if she eventually does everything right, it only means you have thechoice between R and D. You can still pick D if you wish, the decision is yours.

Organic2003 posted 7/24/2020 10:18 AM

Oh (((AH)))

That was awful. It must have been horrible to listen to how bad you are! She just doesn't "get it" yet. She has so much work on herself in order to figure out this affair is 100% on her.

Do not go to MC she needs IC to figure out why she lost her moral compass.

I do see a lot of potential for her to become the women God wants her to be but until she stops blaming you she is not ready. She may still some day understand this is ALL on her.

Revenge sex because you went hunting! Ouch What happens next time you don't do what she wants.

Next shit test she has for you - take blame for her affair so she is absolve of her guilt - do not do it - please pass this test. You are a man of honor and integrity and just look at her AP, wow she picked a real winner with that POS. Blaming his wife, how gross.

Remember you are not guilty. You are the prize. She was the christian women who knew better and was the hypocrite and still is.

She is still keeping the POS warm taking his texts! You have a real problem with that, she is still in the affair. She is still thinking he is an alternative if you don't come around to taking blame.

My heart goes out to you AH, I am glad you have a wonderful brother by your side.

Do not forget

Jamaica, Florida, Two houses and God told her not to do it. She had it made it the shade and she had an affair. She had it so good, just because you failed to read the book the "Five Love Languages" is not an excuse to fuck someone else.

I do believe she can see the light but wow what a shitty start.

Thumos posted 7/24/2020 10:22 AM

She has so much work on herself in order to figure out this affair is 100% on her

Honestly Iím not sure I would have the patience to wait for her to figure out basic morality 101.

[This message edited by Thumos at 12:16 PM, July 24th (Friday)]

Michigan posted 7/24/2020 10:29 AM

she never wanted to leave me.

AHGuy

Why does everyone seem to think that the WS deserves extra credit for this? They have two specialists catering to their needs. They have the BS supplying the boring stability and security and dates with the AP supplying excitement.

She said the A is wrong and she wish she could take it back but somehow it kept our marriage alive.

AHGuy

She essentially admitted this. The AP was like a specialist that kept the business going.

The AP is very motivated and on their best behavior to get into their pants. No spouse can compete with that especially if they donít know there is a competition.

Itís like a teenager living at home and dating a bad boy that their parents donít approve of. When caught does the teen deserve credit for never intending to move out of their parentsí house?

Speaking of teenagers. Her sister was amazed that you didnít notice that she was acting like a teenager. The affair was so thrilling that she couldnít help acting like an energized school girl in her everyday life.

Did your wife admit how much fun the affair was?

Waitedwaytoolong has posted on this thread. If I remember correctly he said that his wife was full of life and never looked better than during her affair. It seems your wife had a similar response.


[This message edited by Michigan at 10:50 AM, July 24th (Friday)]

OldNeighbour posted 7/24/2020 10:31 AM

ďshe thinks our marriage was struggling before the A but I refused to see it. She said she thought about leaving me before even we met the OM, and at some point, she thought about life after divorce but she couldnít do it because she still loved me and didnít want to break her family. She reminded me of the multiple times she asked for couples counseling and I refused she begged for time for us but I ignored her. she felt that I didnít care about putting any effort and I was content to live the way Iíve been, she gave up but she never wanted to leave me. Our life was mundane, our kisses werenít real anymore just habit and sex was just a duty. She never wanted to leave me though because she loves me and values what we had accomplished. but she felt that I was looking for any excuse to not be with her like mowing the grass for the neighbors or cleaning the garage when it wasnít needed. ď

Wow, what a crock of shit sheís trying to hand you. Iím good for an R if itís worth it, she loved you and didnít want to break up her family? Bullshit! What did she think would happen if she was caught fucking another man, obviously she broke her family by her heinous acts. No... make that, she went nuclear on you and your family.

Everything you said about your meeting with her smacked of gaslighting, blaming you and changing your marital situation.
So many of us have been lead down the path of reconciliation to find that we believed what our spouses say. ď Iíll do everything to make it right etc.... Unfortunately, we just end up in the same place.

AH, you sound a lot like me, loving your family, being a good neighbour, trying to make the best life for your family and then getting screwed over by the one who should be standing at your side doing these things with you.

I feel your pain, I really do, but donít let her get past your feelings with her words. If you eventually decide to reconcile, she has to do the heavy lifting. She is right now in self preservation mode and will say and do anything to stay in your marriage. Even returning to god. Like I said, you remind me of me in terms of being who you are, solid in your marriage and fatherhood. Doing the best for your family.

But.....2 years, man with the disrespect, the amount of living another life. She would be out the door so quick.

Itís been said before, MC at this point is useless and a waste of money, but I would encourage you to go to IC. Youíve just been hit with a major trauma and one thing you donít need at this point is her undermining the work you do with a counselor that specializes in trauma and marriage. You may be hit with PTSD over this. Take care of yourself, do things for yourself.

Stay away from the alcohol, but I probably donít have to say much as to why with what you probably feel today.

Please put yourself first today you need that.

Realize what Iíve written above is my opinion and you can take or leave it. I do wish you and your family the best.

Oh and in regards to the POSOM, thatís all he is is a piece of shit that is arrogant and narcissistic. Karma will take care of him.

Onlysmiles4her posted 7/24/2020 10:38 AM

Ouch! Those who have spied for proof, I am amazed at your boldness! I think I would die if I saw more than I already know for sure. Just wow.
Sorry that you've had to. I'm working so hard to pull my self esteem out of the toilet that he flushes daily, so I dont drown in depression from rejection.
I'm new here. No one outside of you know there is a problem. We just keep playing house. Inside the house, horrors of the emotional kind.
Glad for those who have managed to carry on.

Thanks for allowing me to come and let the pain come out. I've been crying washing dishes and hes been pleasing himself with her.

One day I will be loved again.

Michigan posted 7/24/2020 11:39 AM

Divorce is a very strong possibility if it's not the sure possibility. I'm getting a consultation soon. i don't rush into making decisions that's how I always been.

I told her that Iím still considering Divorce and if we go that route, I want it to be as an amicable as a divorce can be,

AHGuy

You should go for an amicable divorce and offer the possibility of dating after the divorce is final. You were concerned with keeping your building and supplies.

She will feel less and less guilty as time goes by. Youíll never get better terms than you can now.

Plus leaving the door open a crack for R will give her hope and keep her motivated to be generous with the divorce terms.

There are several benefits of divorce even if you maintain a relationship with her.

1. It will decrease the chance of future affairs because sheíll know you can just walk with no legal complications.

2. You can retain some dignity because she will have paid a concrete price.

3. It would make R easier for me. There would be less reason to ruminate over what she did. It like an army sergeant that screws up and gets busted to corporal. Everyone knows why they lost a stripe. They paid a price and itís over.

[This message edited by Michigan at 2:38 PM, July 24th (Friday)]

Newlifeisgreat posted 7/24/2020 11:53 AM

If YOU are willing to invest the time in the marriage?!?!?!?!?

WTF?!?!?!?!

Wow!!!! Iím speechless!!!!!!

Robert22205https posted 7/24/2020 11:58 AM

Why didn't she go to IC if she was unhappy?

You didn't change - she did. She knew exactly 'who' you were when she married you and knew exactly how you show love. She just felt entitled to more.

No spouse can ever compete with the excitement of an OM or OW. And they should never have to.

With respect to the heater date, forget about her not intending to humiliate you (something that's in her head and can't be proved.

Judge her instead by her actions. Her actions that day failed you as a wife and as a friend.

At a minimum, as a friend, she should have had your back and pushed back against the OM's comments (she said nothing).

If she tolerated him humiliating you in the heater instance, it's highly probably that there were many more humiliating comments toward you.

She won't volunteer these conversations & name calling.

If you need to know the full extent of her betrayal, insist on a timeline subject to a polygraph.


[This message edited by Robert22205https at 12:01 PM, July 24th (Friday)]

DoinBettr posted 7/24/2020 11:59 AM

What I would add is to ask her why she stopped sleeping with you when she started sleeping with him? It is really hard for a WW to justify that action. They can compartmentalize everything, but that rejection. She can say all she wants about not getting attention, you weren't getting sex and she was giving it away to this guy regularly.

Secondly, ask her what she is saying to your family?

It sounds like she is giving excuses as to why she cheated. They are not 100% on your side, WTF. You know that is not ok. She would have killed you and they would have helped get rid of the body if you cheated on her. Why is she not shouting down everyone that this was all her fault? Why does she let them give you any blame?

Have you asked the hardest question yet: Did she do things with him sexual she stopped or never did with you? I bet the answer is yes because you guys were together for so long. Another hard one for any woman to swallow is how they use sex as a commodity. If she gave him things she stopped or denied you, like BJs.

Good luck. I say file anyways and see if she gives up right away. The filing is what got my WW off her ass. Plus she saw it as her flushing away that gold star of how many years we have been married.

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