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New Betrayed Husband

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OldNeighbour posted 7/18/2020 20:25 PM

AHGuy, I forgot to add, obviously he took the pictures of her except the ones holding hands and kissing. The point Iím trying to make is that you can also remind her that those pictures can show up on the internet, particularly if there were more pornographic pictures taken. Again telling her would be part of the shock and awe.

Good for the POSOMís wife , consider her your best friend now. She will ensure keeping a thumb on millionaire boy.

Thumos posted 7/18/2020 21:26 PM

ChamomileTea has some good advice. Really good advice.

The *feeling* of emasculation is real and unique to men In the instance of female infidelity. You feel it. Donít let anyone tell you Not to feel it. Ití feels like it guts you.

But it also doesnít need to own you or overrule you. And itís a feeling. Not a reality.

Donít listen to the lies of the Enemy.

You were bought at a very high price. Donít forget that. Itís EVERYTHING, brother.

Think of this: itís possible, just possible, that the Enemy is trying to weaken the best men so they arenít effective fathers and role models in our society. What better way than a betrayal from the woman they trust above all others?

Your WWís brokenness is not you. Itís her.

Buster123 posted 7/18/2020 22:30 PM

Why did you have to take the basement instead of your WW ? she's the one who cheated and betrayed the entire family not you, if there's someone who should leave the marital bedrom it's her.

AHGuy posted 7/18/2020 22:32 PM

Sorry I don't know how to quote so I'm just going to respond in general.
ChamomileTea, I apologize for offending you, I didn't mean it do differentiate between genders, I agree Adultery doesn't discriminate between man and women. I was just talking about me and my 2 close friends who both suffered from infidelity. then when I came here I noticed more stories of women cheating than men. Again my apologies.
As for feeling emasculated and humiliated is because of some of the comments in their texting and the fact that while she changes her style lost weight and bought new sexy stuff our sex frequency diminished from an average of 3 times a week to maybe twice a month. there was another incident where they basically used me to meet up and laugh about it in the messages which was disrespectful. I brought it up Sunday in front of her mom and sisters she denied any intention of disrespect.
She is a realtor, he was her client, he owns a bunch of properties that she managed for him I used to do maintenance for their HVAC equipment. they also flip houses she used to buy and sell for him while every time he needs an AC installed in any of these houses I used to take care of that part. we made good money with his business but after his wife found out he terminated our business relationship. I was an idiot for not suspecting anything, my wife made me believe that he just decided to start using somebody else.
He had a mountain house about 2 hours away from where we live where they had their sex every time they could sneak out.

AHGuy posted 7/18/2020 22:44 PM

Buster: the basement is not bad, and that's where my office is. I actually prefer staying there, my son has been using it to play games and chat with his buddies. now it is my place.
I'm not rushing to any decision yet my buddy who recommended this site suggested 6 months I'm giving it till the end of this damn 2020. his divorce went ugly and it's costing him till now and will for a long time. it is so sad that his wife decided all of the sudden that she loved some dude from high school and he is paying for it. I think my case isn't as bad if we go the D route, 2 of my 3 kids are grown, we both work and make similar money we own 2 houses, only problem is I would want to keep my main house because I'm running my HVAC company from it. she doesn't want divorce, and wants a second chance but she told everyone that I would never forgive her because of how tough I usually am

Buster123 posted 7/18/2020 23:12 PM

Has she apologized to the entire family ? what's her demeanor ? Did she try to deny it at first and only admitted when confronted with undeniable proof ? What did she say to the children and family ? is the AP trying to save his own M ? has she provided a full timeline of the A? is she being transparent with her phone ? STD testing ? has she offered to leave the house to offer you some space ?

[This message edited by Buster123 at 11:13 PM, July 18th (Saturday)]

Thumos posted 7/18/2020 23:26 PM

she doesn't want divorce, and wants a second chance but she told everyone that I would never forgive her because of how tough I usually am

This is just self pity. A lot them say this. MY WW has professed a version of this. What sheís really saying is ďI did something so unforgivable I canít imagine my sane, rational, reasonable husband being okay with it ó and Iím panicking.Ē

This is just a WW trying to position herself as the victim to allow a soft landing instead of the crash that comes with a ruined reputation.

Continue to expose the ugly truth of the affair. Give her nowhere to hide

By the way, this indicates regret at being caught rather than true remorse on her part

Think about what sheís actually doing here ó sheís positioning your ďsocial brandĒ as inferior to hers and portraying you as this hard unforgiving person ó A mean inflexible bully ó thus automatically minimizing her behavior.

Unfortunately, in the case of female infidelity this tends to play well in modern church settings if you go along with it. Thereís a lot of papering over female infidelity and lust in modern evangelical circles. I would also be wary here bc thereís the hint of WWís who like to make up false domestic violence charges ó donít be naive. Get a VAR and carry it around with you.

People will assume it is a ďdallianceĒ and youíre overreacting. The solution is to continue to expose her affair to the light of day. She wants to continue to exist as the good Christian woman who would never betray her husband or put her kids at risk ó but that isnít who she is.

This proverbs 30:20 craven creature you now know ó thatís who youíve been married to all these years. Itís the real woman. The mask is gone.

Stop playing her game.

[This message edited by Thumos at 11:43 PM, July 18th (Saturday)]

GoldenR posted 7/19/2020 00:03 AM

Your story is heartbreaking, brother.

As far as the "only a fantasy" line, sorry but she's full of it. The sex was real, and so were her plans with him. I'll tell you when it became a fantasy: right when his wife busted them and he dumped her ass cold turkey, that's when it became fantasy. Tell her you want to polygraph her to see if she would have left you and watch her facial reactions.

You are now her backup plan bc plan A left her behind.

pureheartkit posted 7/19/2020 00:13 AM

Years later I can still recall this pain and shock that you are going through. It feels humiliating. I was used too to be a useful part in their drama adventure. I saw kinky pix that hang around in my mind. Mine -yours -others, they are all using the same old cheaters methods, attitudes a d responses once they get caught. But it feels horrible just the same.

These strong emotions will cause stress and physical distress. Exercise really helps to burn it up so you can rest and digest and restore your health. The thoughts a d emotions just take all the space but it's ok. Let them come. If a negative thought comes to mind that this was in any way related to you let it go. It was choices they made. It was not anything you did or failed to do. It's was not money or anything else you did or did not have. I think you're doing great.

She wasn't grateful for what blessings she had.

She selfishly thought of her own excitement a d hurt those she should have cherished.

What happened to people today indeed! I see it becoming a me me me gimme culture. An I want it now culture. A me first before you culture.

When we serve others, we grow. People have grown self important and proud. Sadly there are lasting consequences from these actions.

I believe love is important so do not turn away from love and forgiveness. But still look after yourself and do not let her think you will let this cruelty from her go without some serious life changes. You have the right as a human spirit to not be abused. In fact, this is a very good time to work on the things that you want for yourself. Many people use this time to make significant changes that bring them happiness. Hard to believe that when you're hurting so much.

Heal yourself. You don't have to decide anything right now. Eat healthy, try and sleep and do some things for yourself. You deserve some treats.

Don't beat yourself up for missed signs, being hoodwinked and anything like long days at work, etc. Yea I did just the same. Honest trusting people do that. They trust with an open heart. That's a virtue not a defect. Love is supposed to be like that.

ChamomileTea posted 7/19/2020 00:23 AM

ChamomileTea, I apologize for offending you, I didn't mean it do differentiate between genders, I agree Adultery doesn't discriminate between man and women. I was just talking about me and my 2 close friends who both suffered from infidelity. then when I came here I noticed more stories of women cheating than men.

You absolutely did NOT offend me. I was just hoping to nip that whole "emasculation" bugaboo in the bud. You didn't cause your WW's cheating and it is in NO WAY reflective of you. Nothing you said, nothing you did, nothing you are... can CAUSE someone else to throw away their own integrity. It's the cheater who has the defect.

It's important to understand that, and knowing it will allow you to step back a bit and take a more clinical eye at your situation.

In the early days of JFO, it's normal to look at yourself and try to find fault. Most of us do it. But it's a control mechanism. If we can find a way to blame ourselves, maybe we can fix it. Maybe we can change it. Maybe we can save it. But the fact is that we can't control anyone else, only ourselves. We can't fix or change what happened. It happened. And we can't save a marriage on our own. It takes two. And the broken one has to recognize their defects and be willing to make repairs. They won't do that if we allow them to blame us, or the marriage, or their middle-aged crisis. They've got to dig deep and SEE that they don't truly stand for the things they purport to believe in. Then they've got to figure out just what it is they do believe and build boundaries around it.

Do you see how useless a feeling "emasculation" is to all that? It's just a hidden control mechanism to make you feel like there was something you might have done differently. But worse than that, it's also a pointless bit of self-pity when what one needs is self-compassion. There's a difference between the two. One is your inner critic putting you down. The other is your inner cheerleader pulling you up. The feeling itself is natural enough to both sexes... "what does s/he have that I don't?"

There are so many pitfalls when dealing with intimate betrayal... rumination, depression, anxiety. And some of our common behaviors, normal, typical behaviors, lead us into these traps. "Emasculation" is one such trap which can keep us stuck in a state of shame and rage. And it's not limited to males. There's no corner on that market. The dictionary definition of the word is "to weaken". And if infidelity teaches us anything, it's that we're stronger than we know.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 12:24 AM, July 19th (Sunday)]

SnowToArmPits posted 7/19/2020 01:58 AM

That's quite a laundry list of her sordid behaviour.

Now she's sorry, and didn't mean to hurt you.

Ah man.

My goodness what hypocrite your wife is.

If you're thinking of reconciling, you should read some of the threads in the Reconciliation forum at SI. You'll see it's going to be a lot of work, and could take years to repair your marriage. You've got a long marriage, so reconciliation maybe in the cards for you. Just make sure you know what in for. If you reconcile she should work her tail off to make it happen. She's made a hell of a mess.

Organic2003 posted 7/19/2020 04:51 AM

(((AHGuy)))

I am so glad you met the good people here early in your recovery.

Don't worry about hurting anyone's feelings, we all know the depth of your pain. The one thing that I lived with for years was emasculation (I was sure I must have sucked in bed). How I wished I had ChamomileTea on my side years ago. I now KNOW none of the cheating was in ANYWAY my fault. Like you, I was a hard working man running businesses providing and loving my wife and family.

Please see a great attorney soon, talk about protecting your assets and the cost to the marital property (both businesses) her affair has caused. You may be able to recover those losses.

You have done a great job, way better than most newly BS, beginning this long and rough road you have found yourself on. Keep moving forward to a goal, you have heard the saying "If you find yourself in hell keep walking." Expect some things from your wife or don't waste six months.

Start by taking care of yourself, eat well, drink a lot of water and sleep.

fareast posted 7/19/2020 06:15 AM

AHGuy:

Sorry you ended up here but you will receive good advice. Not only her cheating, but being derided and mocked is very hurtful. Six months will give you a good perspective on what you ultimately want to do about your M, R or D. The key here is to help you survive and get out of infidelity. You will keep riding an emotional rollercoaster for a long time. Read in the healing library. Chamomile Tea has given you some great advice. Take care of yourself. Exercise. Eat healthy. Some find that the fidelity is a dealbreaker and can not get past it. But even if you hold open the possibility of R, it takes two people to R. Your WW would have to be all in, open, transparent and empathetic to the pain she caused you. Right now, from what you describe, she is not even willing to try and has given up. A defensive, self pitying stance by someone who donít have the intestinal fortitude it takes. See an attorney to learn your rights. Watch her actions, not her words. Good luck.

VinST posted 7/19/2020 06:21 AM

So she knew how tough you are ... YET she still gave herself to POS?

This is not like a once of thing so you would have to conclude that she gave it thought and was willing to risk losing you all for lust?

I guess the alternative is that she did NOT consider you and was so overcome with passion that she threw herself at this POS. neither bodes well for her!

The bottom line is (as you can tell from all the forums) is that no matter what a cheater says, they all internally calculate the risks and decide weighing up the options. She chose him over you and your family all the while playing the religious & devoted wife game.
Ask yourself... would it be going on if she didn't get caught? you bet she would be giving herself to the POS. Bottom line is .. cheaters always go into self preservation mode. DO you think its a her first and only time?
Polygraph if I were you...

[This message edited by VinST at 6:23 AM, July 19th (Sunday)]

Sadwife53 posted 7/19/2020 06:25 AM

Her infidelity had nothing to do with you. If she was unhappy she had the option of discussing it with you or divorce. To a normal person with integrity there is no space where they are unhappy enough to cheat but not unhappy enough to divorce.

This is the honest truth that can be believed with your head pretty quickly. It took me over 2,5 years to believe it with my heart. I pray you have an easier time internalizing this truth than I did. Hugs,

AHGuy posted 7/19/2020 06:58 AM

Another sleepless night. Today my buddies who all know about my struggles are taking me out fishing to cheer me up a bit, so I stopped here to read your comments before I head out. I wish someone can show me how to quote comments so I can respond to each one of you. So excuse my messy writing.
I wish I can help myself stopping the feeling of being emasculated and humiliated. Thatís how I feel, he give her things I didnít, the fun she craved while Iím an old school dude. I donít ware fancy clothing because of the natureí of my job, I canít ware nice suite to go replace a furnace, she wanted me to go out with her I just blamed it on midlife crisis. He took her to nice places yachting dining. Riding nice cars. He was promising her to take her around the world once theyíre together for good, while most of our vacation were local. we were supposed to to go to Jamaica for our 25th anniversary but thank god Corona virus stopped that plan, in one of his messages he told her he was happy we didnít go because that wouldíve made him jealous WTF jealous of her husband??
They intended to humiliate me with all the disrespectful acts But somehow one incident that happened last November is killing me more. The house where she fucks him is about 2 hours away, apparently they went there and the heat wasnít working so they couldnít do it, I know my wife very well she wonít get undressed unless it very worn she is always cold blooded. The next day she made go fix the heat, I normally do not go that far for business but she insisted saying that this guy in his wife are an important client of ours plus money isnít an issue and That I could charge extra fees. She went with me there in my work truck and I made me do it because he wanted to humiliate me. He wanted me to do it because he couldíve hire someone else from that town. So we went there and it was an easy fix did it in less 5 minutes . So she told me I could leave by myself so I wonít be wasting any more time and they would ride with either her colleague who was showing a house in that town too. The stupid me believed her. I realized after reading the messages that she texted him to let him know the heat was fixed and that I left he he responded with be there in 15 minutes so obviously he was in the same town waiting. The texting continued on
Her: It was a quick fix and heís charging you ass $500
Him: he deserved $5 millions for bringing you to me ( laughing emoji
Her: lol, he does he is a good tech.
Him: he is good husband too he made sure his wife will be warm and cozy when I make love to her the right way
Her : laughing emojis

Reading this killed me inside out. I reminded her in front of her folks last Sunday she said it was wrong but that wasnít meant to disrespect me. Her mom was stunned.
Buster: she did apologize to her kids and family, they all know everything, didnít show them all the photos and messages just enough so they know for sure. Her demeanor is basically regretting and crying. She is saying that she never wanted to leave me it was just stupid talk. I donít know if the OM is working on fixing his marriage and honestly I donít give a F . I didnít ask her for her phone or anything Iím just doing my own version of 180 before I read about here. I only talked to her face to face twice . First day I found out she already knew that I know because the other wife called her out for lying about me. I just told she doesnít have to wait till my youngest is out and go to be with him today. She said thatís not what she wanted. Second conversation was even shorter few days later, she cane down to the basement before she says anything I asked her to leave me alone and That I wasnít ready to talk to her or even see her face at that moment.
STD testing. I have a physical this week and will make sure to ask for full test.
Thumos: youíre right she is only sorry she was caught, otherwise she would be still banging him till today. In her talk with her family and our daughter she said that she didnít intend to disrespect me or humiliate me. That Iím not inferior and for her the affair wasnít about sex, WTF?? She was living a double life . She recalled the incident of last November where I felt they tempted to cockhold me she denied that and said I that I was doing all the repairs or him , she I must be thinking Iím stupid, why in the hell you take your husband with you to a place where you would meet your lover?
Golden R, you are right the fantasy stopped the day the other wife busted them, Iím not sure he dumped her , who knows if the affair has really stopped, maybe they are just waiting for the storm to pass. Maybe he is just waiting for his kids to be 18.
It is time for me to go now and will check back later, Iím lucky to have your support and the support of my fame and friends, I have 2 friends who have been in my shoes one divorced his wife other is still wit her. The are guiding me with advice. I will move on one way or another.
Thank you


Bigger posted 7/19/2020 07:26 AM

AHGuy

If you have friends that take you fishing you have all you need.
Tight lines friend.

totallydumb posted 7/19/2020 08:10 AM

AH Guy,

I found this below piece of advice awhile back on the difference between remorse and regret on another infidelity site. Give it a read, it may help you decide if WW is remorseful or just regrets getting caught.


I have noticed a few topics today that have talked about regret, remorse, and the difference between the two. I read this article a while ago and thought I would share it here in the hopes that it may help those of you who are trying to understand not only what a remorseful WS looks like, but what a genuinely contrite WS looks like.
IMHO, remorse is great, but contrition is what you really should be looking for if you are considering R.
"How to Recognize True (and false) Contrition" ó by Dr. George Simon, Jr.
A personís character deficiencies inevitably spawn a host of irresponsible behavior patterns Ė bad habits that can become easily ingrained and, once rooted, extremely hard to break. Often, these dysfunctional patterns involve forms of mental, emotional, and even physical abuse within relationships. And while many of the character-impaired individuals Iíve worked with experienced periods of profound unhappiness and even a degree of regret over their actions, only a handful made truly significant changes in their once destructive behaviors. But those who truly did address their behaviors and succeeded in changing their lives for the better displayed a rare quality that seemed to make all the difference: genuine contrition.
By definition, personality patterns are deeply ingrained and hard to modify. But that doesnít mean a person canít change. People can and do change every day. That is, genuinely contrite people do. This begs the question about what contrition really is and how to know when someone is really experiencing it.
The word contrition comes from the Latin contritus (the same root for the word contrite), and literally means ďcrushed to pieces.Ē The contrite person has had their once haughty and prideful ego completely crushed under the tremendous weight of guilt and shame. Such a person has ďhit bottomĒ, not only because they can no longer bear the thought of how badly their actions hurt others but also because of their deep realization of how their usual way of doing things has resulted in abject personal failure. Thatís why the contrite person is first and foremost a broken person. And, by definition, only by acknowledging personal defeat can a person become potentially open to reconstructing their life on very different terms. Itís been said many times, but itís profoundly psychologically true. One cannot begin a new life without laying to rest oneís old self.
A regretful person is not necessarily a contrite one. Regret often precedes contrition but is definitely not synonymous with it. And when it comes to making meaningful changes in oneís character and turning around an irresponsible life, regret is simply not sufficient. The word regret comes from the Old French, meaning ďto bewail.Ē Itís a personís intellectual and emotional response to an unpleasant or unfortunate circumstance (originally used to characterize a personís loss of a loved one through death). Anyone can regret something they have done and for a variety of reasons, some of which can be quite ignoble. Even some of the most hardened criminals had certain regrets. They regretted the loss of their freedom. They lamented the fact that a judge was able to exercise power over them and subject them to various unpleasant consequences. Many ďbewailedĒ that the sentence they received was greater than they anticipated or longer than someone elseís who committed a similar crime. A few even regretted their actual actions, but most of the time even that kind of regret had to do with practical considerations (e.g., they didnít plan their crime carefully enough to avoid detection, or they misjudged the character of their partner in crime who later ďratted [them] outĒ to authorities). And when expressing their regrets, some were even moved to tears. But tears do not a contrite person make. And mere regret has never been sufficient to prompt a person to change their ways.
Remorse is a prerequisite for contrition, but itís also not sufficient for it. Remorse is a genuine empathy-based expression of oneís regret over hurting someone else. By definition, psychopaths (alt: sociopaths) cannot really experience any meaningful degree of it, although they are quite capable of feigning it. Fortunately, most people are capable of it to some degree, and having remorse for the injury caused to another is a necessary first step toward real contrition. But true contrition goes even beyond remorse. Genuinely contrite people Ė their prideful egos crushed and torn asunder by the weight of their guilt and shame Ė not only hate their ďsinsĒ and the pain they inflicted on others as a result of their sins, but also are deeply unnerved about the person they allowed themselves to become that permitted their travesties in the first place. And they necessarily resolve not only to make amends but also to make of better persons of themselves and their lives in a better fashion in the future.
Contrition is that very rare but absolutely essential feature of changing oneís life for the better. It requires a true metanoia or ďchange of heart.Ē And even more importantly, it requires work Ė a lot of very hard, humble, committed work. Reforming oneís character is the most challenging of human enterprises. You have to put a lot of energy into doing it, and you have to feel a deep sense of obligation about doing it in order to maintain the energy to get the job done. And contrition wears a very distinctive face. Truly contrite people behave very differently, even from regretful and remorseful people. And when you know what to look for, you can readily tell the difference.
One of the more reliable outward signs that someone has really experienced a change of heart is their willingness and commitment to make amends. The contrite person is not only ďsorryĒ for what he/she has done but is willing to repair the damage inflicted on the lives of others. Many irresponsible characters will challenge their understandably hesitant to trust again victims with retorts like: ďIíve said Iím sorry a million times now Ė what else do you want from me?!,Ē attempting all the while to throw the other party on the defensive for doubting their sincerity. Or they will cite some small efforts they have made over a relatively short period of time and then chide their victims for not immediately accepting those small gestures as concrete evidence of meaningful, sincere, permanent change. Contrite individuals understand that the burden of proof rests with them and that they owe those they have hurt a justifiable basis upon which to resume some degree of trust. A contrite person is willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to regain good standing within a relationship.
Itís one thing to say youíre sorry. But itís quite another to prove it by how hard you work to change. Behavior is the best indicator that a person is truly contrite and working to really change. Living and dealing with persons of deficient character is always difficult, but many people increase the level of pain they experience in their relationships with problem characters by buying into the notion that if a person says theyíre sorry, sheds a tear, or looks unhappy, and appears to mean well, things will necessarily be different. They give too much regard to a personís regret and sorrow and donít look hard enough for evidence of true contrition.
A personís genuine willingness and commitment to make amends is always accompanied by plan of action to accomplish precisely those ends. In short, a personís actions always speak louder than their words or even their emotional expressions. And Iím not talking about demonstrative gestures that make good impressions on others like going back to church or getting religion once again. The contrite person conducts themselves in a fundamentally different manner than they historically have. They might not do so perfectly or every time. But they evidence a constant effort toward reforming their conduct, and when they fall short they readily admit it and do their best to get back on course.
All too many times therapists as well as the victims of irresponsible characters make the assumption that things are moving in the right direction because the bad actor shed a tear or two about something horrible they did or said they were sorry. But even when sorrow is genuine, itís certainly not enough to make a difference. Sorrow is an emotional response usually connected to the loss of something. And while it is always painful to lose Ė especially when losing something of great value Ė that kind of pain is not in and of itself a reliable predictor of change. Individuals who have been in abusive relationships and who give a lot of weight or credence to expressions of regret and sorrow are most often doomed to an escalating level of personal pain and hardship. And in proper cognitive-behavioral therapy for abusers, where the principal focus is on behavior and fostering fundamental attitudinal and behavioral change, the therapist has to be much less interested in what a person has to say and much more concerned about what he/she is doing to truly correct problematic thinking and behavior patterns and repairing damage they have done. Talk, as they say, is infinitely cheap. And therapy that just focuses on getting someone to express their feelings or communicate their regrets is likely doomed to be ineffective in fostering meaningful change.
Having some regret simply isnít enough to make a person mend their ways. It takes a lot of concerted effort to overcome our shortcomings.The truly contrite individual works to make amends, to do better, and above all, to be better. That always involves demonstrable, consistent behavior Ė behavior that can be observed, monitored, encouraged, rewarded, and measured by both the therapist and other parties to a relationship with the troubled character.
Edited in Aug 2018 to add:
In summary, someone who is genuinely remorseful and contrite will:
1. Admit that their behaviour was wrong.
2. Continuously take full responsibility for their actions.
3. Accept and understand that their choices and actions brought them to where they are.
4. Make NO attempt to blame anyone else
5. Have humility (are receptive to and actively seek constructive criticism because they know it leads to self-improvement, they display a willingness to learn and become better, they quiet emotional responses so they can actively listen, they are eager to understand others and show a genuine interest in them and put them first in their thoughts)
6. Engage in openness and honesty in ALL aspects of their life
7. Do everything in their power to make things right with the person(s) they have harmed
8. Have patience and recognize that trust is rebuilt over a long period of time with consistent good choices and actions
9. Focus on the person(s) the have harmed - recognizing and acknowledging the impacts of the harm in both heart and mind
10. Understand the emotions of the person(s) they have harmed and have empathy and compassion for their pain
11. Validate the pain of the person(s) they have harmed and have a deep understanding of how their actions caused that pain
12. Put 100% effort into making real changes in themselves and not try to take shortcuts
13. Deliberately choose to making lasting changes and psychologically transform themselves, and are intrinsically motivated to do so

BeyondRage posted 7/19/2020 08:20 AM

AHGuy

I am late to the party but I am going to add a couple of things. Only you can decide when this sorts itself out if you can ever recover from what you have seen and read.
Your wife became so EMOTIONALLY involved with OM and if you believe any of the major literature that has been written, there is no way after what you have disclosed that she is anything but regretful at getting caught. And if you read the book Not Just Friends it will tell you female infidelity results in more divorces percentages than male because of the emotional component that is usually present before the sex starts.

You have a couple of issues here that since you have exposed her from what OBS told you that you still do not know about other than what WW tells you, which at this point has zero credibility.

And it appears you have not had much conversation with her. My questions to her would be
(1) is this the first time you have done this?
She will answer no.
(2) have you been in contact with OM since I found out? She will probably answer no
(3) Are you on any apps or electronic devices that I do not know about. She will answer no, and if I were you I would get her phone anyway.
(4) Since Girls Night Out was used as a cover, who of her girlfriends knew and were willing to cover for her. The need to be jettisoned and she should have offered all of this already

After she answers all those questions in detail, you then inform her they will be verified with a polygraph test and you watch her reaction. And do the damm test if you are considering staying with her.

Now lets move on to the OM. We already know how emotionally connected she was with him. He is not a client anymore and his wife knows. That means NOTHING!! She is a realtor floating around town all day and he is loaded and can certainly go where he wants when he wants. I would if possible stay in contact with the OBS.

There is a story her that is somewhat of a legend here by a guy called Space Ghost. not suggesting you take the time to find it and read it, but similar situation WW and loaded boss. She l;iked the trips and excitement. He divorced her but told the BW, but he never found out or cared if the BW ate the shit sandwich, which a lot of people will do for that kind of money involved. The important thing is if you OM here is not fighting for his married life because his wife has him on a tight leash, he is much more likely to reach out to your wife again.

That is why people will tell you you need a VAR in her car to find out who she is talking to while driving around from house to house all day.

Other than tell you she is sorry she has not on her own done anything here. Of course she is sorry but what you need to figure out is why she is sorry.

Finally, my suggestion to you is to find out your right with an attorney and let her know that is a possibility. Once they realize this is REAL then you see what happens. Sleeping downstairs doesn't make it real.

Good luck to you.

nekonamida posted 7/19/2020 08:37 AM

AHguy, if you don't have proof that she ended the A with OM and blocked his number, the A continues. If OM cut her off for good, she would tell you and be doubly beside herself. But instead she's running a gaslighting operation to make you and everyone else think it's not that bad so they won't be too angry if your marriage fails and she ends up with him.

If you're thinking about D, it doesn't matter what or who she's doing if it doesn't matter to you. But if you think R might be possible and you don't want to continue sharing her, ask her to hand over her phone immediately and then ask her to send him a NC text in front of you and block his number. Get all of the passwords to her accounts and block him on those if they ever used them to talk. If you're just not sure and want to be sneaky about checking up on her, get the phone records from your provider and see if she is still texting and calling him when you're not around.

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