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New Betrayed Husband

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Robert22205https posted 7/22/2020 06:24 AM

she will say That I neglected her for years didn't love her like before, I'm workaholic, I don't show any romance, that I find excuses not to be with her at home. I already know what she will say.

Why listen to that BS.

All the more reason to insist that she puts it in writing so you can decide if it's worth listening to.

BTW: She had many options to deal with the above (pretty typical marriage issues actually) - but she chose to cheat. Her decision to cheat is 100% hers.

ShutterHappy posted 7/22/2020 06:27 AM

I posted at the same time as you...

Donít accept any blame. Itís her choice, her decision. She could have talk to youabout her feelings, or D you, but she didnít.

You donít have to argue with her, you can just say ďIím sorry you feel this wayĒ

A Wayward that blames his/her spouse is not a candidate for R.

To add to the list:
4. Stay calm and in control.
5. Donít hug, kiss or comfort her, it will just add to yourpain.
6. Have a written list ready, this will be emotional

m2r2 posted 7/22/2020 06:47 AM

I would suggest one simple rule for that conversation. Do not talk about you at all. You shouldnít be a topic, you didnít cheat and have nothing to explain. She should know that before your meeting

BeyondRage posted 7/22/2020 07:08 AM

AH

3 Carry a VAR with me at home.

You need a VAR in her car to find out who she is talking to. That will HELP tell you if she is still talking to OM, if she is talking to girlfriends and they are the ones telling her what books to buy. And you can count on this. Again I tell you her girlfriends had to know because when she told you she was going out with them, even if she left with them from house, they had to know what to say if you called and could not reach wife and tried one of them.

And if you go into this conversation with an attitude that because youre 44 years old and too old to start over you are in for real trouble my friend.

There is not one REASON she is going to give you that in any way justifies what she did and the extent of it. There are plenty of WW who do not even mention or get involved in disparaging talk about their spouse.

And don't blame yourself for missing the signs that you have been told. the fact is in todays narrative, if you had objected to the girls night outs with her dressing sexy you would have been called a jealous controlling hubby.You didn't miss the signs as much as men today seem to be intimidated to interfere with good old girl fun for fear of being called too jealous.

The biggest thing you need to find out right now is if, and how many times she has seen or talked to him since D Day and who she is talking to now, and she is NOT just internalizing this

Buster123 posted 7/22/2020 07:31 AM

I agree that putting the VARs in place before the conversation is paramount, if you're going to make a decision on whether to D or R, the VAR could provide valuable unfiltered info so make sure you put one in her car under her seat with velcro, the other one in the bedroom and carry one with you at all times, make sure you learn how to use the VARs (ask your friend for help if necessary), make sure you mute any beeps and put black tape over any lights and take a few minutes to test them all.

Robert22205https posted 7/22/2020 08:09 AM

Some rules when interacting with her:

1 - Don't cry in front of her (leave the room if necessary).

In her frame of mind (you made her cheat/you deserved this), any weakness or breakdown in front of her will be interpreted as you being 'weak' - and a free pass to continue on her path of:

taking control, seeing herself as a victim, minimizing what she did to you and her family, blame shifting and avoiding taking 100% responsibility, and withholding information.

2 - Any tears from her and the meeting is over. Tears are an attempt to manipulate you by making you feel sorry for her (triggers your white knight). She's not the victim here - you are.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 8:10 AM, July 22nd (Wednesday)]

clouds777 posted 7/22/2020 08:34 AM

If she wants to tell you she cheated because you neglected her, end the conversation. You DO NOT have to listen to that. Do not cry. Do not allow her to cry. If her explanation is anything other than I made terrible choices to hurt you for years, end the conversation. There is NO POINT to giving her a platform to use to blame you for her terrible choice. DO NOT tolerate that. Have the VAR at all times and just get up and leave if she cries (manipulation) or tells you she cheated because you did XYZ.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Cheaters are not owed reconciliation and your wife's actions makes me sick to my stomach.

Mrhealed posted 7/22/2020 08:44 AM

AHGuy

I believe you should be prepare for the meeting. Not just for it but after as well.
I think your daugther shoudnt be present. It Will be very hard for her to hear your questions and how her mother did things with OM.

Where are you meeting? It is better yo be in a public place, ir Carry a var on you. You dont know her, you dont kbow if she Will try yo set you for Domťstic violence charges. Sorry but It has happened to others...


1 hour is very short period of time. IMO just let her talk, once she has finished, let her know that even if she was neglected for years, the rigth way to act is not cheatibg, and humiliate you. It is to Divorce, simple as that! Do not acept any responsability for her affair, It is 100% on her!! You are just responsable for 50% of the previos marriage problema, even for not noticing how bad they were. Notice that you WW is un survival Mode, she Will try yo rewrite your marriage un order to justify her affair, be prepare


IMO you should ask her what does she want and why. Then ask her If she is un love with AP, and if they are on Contact. Ask her is OM dumped her (if the answer is that was mutual, you have your answer). Ask her if she Will be willing to take a polygraph test to prove shes been truthfull.

I Will be very surpriced if she is not trying to put the blame on you, minimice the affair( actions, planning and duration) and that she was nevera un love wirh OM ( as she was dumped by him). Thats why the Poly treath is important!!

Lady things, you dont have to commit to anything, not even to try!! Take your time to digest what she Will tell you.

Good luck

Dismayed2012 posted 7/22/2020 08:44 AM

I want to reiterate what BeyondRage said: "...if you go into this conversation with an attitude that because youre 44 years old and too old to start over you are in for real trouble my friend."

You have go into the conversation determined to divorce the cheating betrayer. The betrayer's job is to convince you not to divorce her. She needs to come up with valid concrete reasons.

If she even hints at blaming you or the marriage, then you should divorce her. If she blames the other man, you should divorce her. If she tries to shift blame to the tides of the sea or anywhere other than herself, then you should divorce her.

There are many marriages where the husband or wife are a workaholic and they don't cheat. There are many marriages where one of the partners feels neglected and they don't cheat. There are many marriages where the romance has died down and they don't cheat. There are marriages where the spouses are abusive and they don't cheat. Your cheater wife has no excuse, period.

Don't allow yourself to think that you need this woman. You have many good years ahead of you. You still have time to start a new life. There's a saying one of the posters has on their tag line. It goes something like, "Don't hold onto a mistake just because you spent so many years making it." Your wife chose her path with full knowledge of the damage and consequences it would bring. She spent years of YOUR MARRIAGE choosing and planning a life with another man. Don't ever forget that.

In spite of what your cheating wife did, you alone hold the power to determine your future. You have two goals. 1. Get out of or get away from infidelity (Not yours but your wife's). The affair ends or she leaves. 2. Take your life back. That means to become your own person again as when you were single and making choices for yourself. Break any co-dependence that's holding you back and become free again.

Your cheater wife made her choices. Now it's your turn to make yours. This life is about you now and what you need to be happy, healthy, and successful. Pursuing freedom doesn't require divorce but does make it much easier. Start today choosing what's best for you.

Take time for yourself. Go out with friends; make new friends; take some time alone or with friends and travel somewhere you haven't been. It doesn't need to be far away. Take up a hobby like golf or something where you get to spend time with buddies. Make your life better and more successful than it's ever been. Live, joke, and laugh like today is your last.

Never forget that you have options. Some of those options are much better than what you've been living with. Again, from this day forward, choose the best for yourself. Take care of yourself. I wish the best for you.

waitedwaytoolong posted 7/22/2020 08:52 AM

I think at this point you should view this meeting as a fact finding one. She is going to want to have it be all about that you didnít value her and thatís why she did it. If you decide to reconcile, it is a conversation that needs to be had. But at this point you need to know what you would be reconciling from

When did it start? Who knew about it? How often did it happen? Where did they do it? Has she been in contact with him? Hold her feet to the fire. If anything it will help her disengage with him if she spells out how heinous she was.

You need to control the narrative. And I agree,your daughter canít have any part of it

Kaliber posted 7/22/2020 09:38 AM

AHGuy

It would be good to start the conversation with her by telling her to say the full truth, and hold nothing back or minimise any thing in hopes to spare your feelings because nothing will top over the heater indecent!

Tell her being truthful will make thing much easier for her and you.

And then ask every thing you want to know about the affair, a good thing is to prepare the question in your mobile note or on a paper.

However, let me WARN you, if you are planing to reconcile or you didn't decide yet don't ask about the sex details no good will come out of it, you know they had sex and that should be enough, that's my advice, but I'm just warning you! It's your call

she will say That I neglected her for years didn't love her like before, I'm workaholic, I don't show any romance, that I find excuses not to be with her at home. I already know what she will say.

If she does, you can pretty much throw that back at her, tell her why she didn't come to you about her concerns, why didn't she communicate that to you? why chose the nuclear option (Cheat)?

Even if she did, there is no excuse for her cheating and betraying you. She could have ended the marriage and moved on if she was unhappy but not betray you and break her marriage vows!

[This message edited by Kaliber at 9:58 AM, July 22nd (Wednesday)]

bluewater posted 7/22/2020 09:50 AM

First sorry that you are here.

Secondly, this...

You need to control the narrative. And I agree,your daughter canít have any part of it

Gospel.

Wishing you the strength to deal with this and hope you find a way to heal.

ShutterHappy posted 7/22/2020 10:09 AM

If she does, you can pretty much throw that back at her, tell her why she didn't come to you about her concerns, why didn't she communicate that to you?

Or, an alternative:

WW: you neglected me, you didnít love me, I found someone who could

AH: Iím sorry you feel that way. I wish you the best with your new BF and his wife. Bye.

ChamomileTea posted 7/22/2020 10:42 AM

she will say That I neglected her for years didn't love her like before, I'm workaholic, I don't show any romance, that I find excuses not to be with her at home.

None of which is a valid excuse for throwing one's integrity away and cheating. Cheating is about CHARACTER. It's about the lack of alignment between what a person claims as their core values and what they actually do.

And how exactly was her cheating going to solve any of her marital problems? Fucking someone else isn't likely to make YOU stay home more. It's not going to get YOU to show some romance. So, again you see that the cheating isn't about YOU because her "solution" wasn't targeted to her stated problem.

From another angle, if you were preferring to spend time at work, if you weren't feeling the romance, maybe it was your WW had become boring? And if so... you still managed not to chuck your integrity out in the garbage pile. You see how that works? It's not about you. Cheating is ALWAYS about the cheater.

When your WW says things like that to you, what she's REALLY saying is, "I am entitled". She believes she's entitled to romance, even when she doesn't bring it. She's entitled to your attention, even if she can't capture it. She's entitled to take other lovers if she's not getting the validation she craves, etc. etc. etc.

You can't work with entitlement. You can only work with a WS who SEES that the fault lies within. What isn't acknowledged can't be repaired.

Freeme posted 7/22/2020 11:02 AM

I agree with the poster above. Nothing gives her the right to cheat... did she think having a 1 year affair was the way to go about fixing the problems in the marriage?? Anyway, I'm going to guess that with all the pressure you are going to end up meeting with I'd. My favorite reply to all the blame shifting is - "I'm willing to take 50% of the blame for problems in the marriage but having an affair is 100% on you and THAT is what killed this. You had so many other options that didn't involve breaking our marriage vows... you get the point. Don't take any of the blame for her affair.

You seem to be really good at the 180 and it's helping you clear your head. Use this meeting as a time to get all of those questions out (even if you think she might be lying).You arn't sure if you want to R or D. You can still ask her to do things (timeline, access to her phone and phone records, without promising anything.) I'd want to know if she has had contact with OM since D-day and why. I'd want to know who broke things off OM or her...

I'm just saying that if you are going to have this meeting anyway, you might as well use it to get your questions answered so you can make a better decision on R or D.

Also, I think it was really uncool to get your daughter involved in arranging this meeting. She's had over a year to be in the affair and you've been give a few weeks to process it... she could have waited until you were ready.

WilliamM posted 7/22/2020 11:48 AM

she will say That I neglected her for years didn't love her like before, I'm workaholic, I don't show any romance, that I find excuses not to be with her at home.

If you talk to her and she does say this, simply say, I have been faithful to you our entire marriage. I desired no other woman but you, and you tell me that I don't love you like before? I loved you more. But you were in your own head and didn't see it. Did you tell me how you felt? Did you share with me any of these feelings before you "f"ed another man?

I work to take care of you and our children. I will not apologize for that. I could have been more romantic, but none of what you say is a reason to cheat. And that last statement is just a lie you told yourself. Or he told you that crap and you believed it. Anyway, IT IS A LIE.

Then turn it around on her.

This is what we do know. You neglected me and did not love me at all because you was giving love that was meant for me to that POS. You used my job and time away to f@#k another man. You allowed another man to tell you fantasies that you thought was romance, but in fact it was just a way to get in your panties, nothing more. You was his whore, his side piece and nothing more. You showed me that you never loved me because you would not be faithful. You allowed another man to disrespect me. And the only person that lied to not be around me was you. Every time you said, I am going here, or doing this or that, you did so to be with him so he can tell you sweet nothings and f#@k you. If this is all you have to say, then we are done. Call me only about the children and we will proceed with divorce.

Westway posted 7/22/2020 12:46 PM

Allowing your daughter to be part of the conversation is a bad, bad idea. What you can do is, right at the beginning, give your daughter five minutes to speak her mind... then tell her to get the fuck out of the room because you and WW need to talk.

If I were you I would not say a word to your WW. Just say "Okay, I'm here to listen to what you have to say. I won't interrupt you. Say what you need to say." Let her say what she wants. Listen to her carefully, and then when you eventually reply, repeat back to her what she said, so that she will know that you are listening to her points. Then, after you have shown her that you have heard her side of the story, calmly and quietly tell her what you think. Be direct, businesslike and to the point. If she gets mad and interrupts you, put up your hand and quietly say "You had your say and I listened, now you hear me out", and if she continues to interrupt, walk out of the room. That's what I did with my STBXWW and that worked pretty well.

AHGuy posted 7/22/2020 13:41 PM

Do not worry , my daughter will not attend the meeting with her mom. She never suggested she would come. She just arranged it. I told her via my daughter that I will be available after my physical tomorrow as long as I can be done before 1:00 because I gotta be somewhere at 2. My wife called several time I Intentionally ignored her She texted saying that she is showing a house for a client at 11:00 and was wondering if we could meet earlier. I didnít respond, until my daughter called I explained to her my doctor appointment at 9:00 so I will have to leave the house at 8:00 and I donít want to listen to her first thing in the morning right before my physical it would just get me high blood pressure. I suggested we can talk later in the day. That was an hour ago. Now daughter called to let me know that her mom made some arrangements and would be available all day tomorrow whenever Iím ready she will be in her office.
Iím ready for the talk and wonít take any BS from her. I could have been more flexible with the timing of the meeting but I just thought why should I. She wants to talk she should make time not me

leftbroken posted 7/22/2020 13:59 PM

When she starts talking about how neglected she felt and how she had to find comfort in another mans arms. Then you simply point out ďyes, I was a terrible spouse. I can understand why you want a divorce. I guess my finding out was a good thing because it will make it easier for you now.Ē

BeyondRage posted 7/22/2020 14:03 PM

AH Guy

West way said it right . Youíre not there to talk but to listen .
But itís always better to be on the offensive so before she starts her Iím sorry dribble I would State to her the following:

ď WW , you need to understand Iím not here to explain or discuss anything with you that involves any commitment at all from me to you. You have been fucking another man every chance you got for two years and disrespecting me in every way possible. And if not for his wife youíd still be doing it

So if this conversation is to tell me youíre so sorry save the words. Youíre sorry you got caught

Then let her speak . If you fluster her she may blurt out shit that she will not if sheís calm cool and collected

And like the others said , tell her the crying doesnít mean a damn thing to you

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