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New Betrayed Husband

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Hurtmyheart posted 7/21/2020 12:19 PM

Because of your WW actions, your life has been forever changed. Honestly, how would you ever be able to trust her or feel emotionally safe with her again?

I can only imagine the mind movies that you are experiencing... You can never undo or unsee what you've read and how she felt about you.

...and the fact alone that she had you come and fix the heater so that she could have sex with her other man?? Unbelievable. I can only imagine the shock and heartbreak that you are experiencing.

IMO, the thought of R with her sounds more daunting than moving forward and creating a new life for yourself. And I also wouldn't worry too much about finding a new person, that can come in time when this is in your past and your heart has had time to heal.

Hurtmyheart posted 7/21/2020 12:50 PM

I want to briefly tell you my story. I stayed with my WH and it did get better for awhile. He whiteknucked long enough until I starting feeling comfortable again and then he was back to his old antics. I was also a SAHW who depended on my WH financially and emotionally. I felt I didn't have a way out. But I also believed in him/us enough that he would work for change and for the better of our relationship. And he did for awhile.

Sad to say, he failed both of us. He also passed away recently and now I am left to pick up the pieces of this broken life he caused to us... the pain, the heartache, PTSD, anger, hurt. I call this complicated grief but somehow I will prevail.

What I've learned on my journey is that once the trust is broken, it is very hard to get back, even when he was trying it still wasn't enough. If I could have the opportunity to do it over again 5 years ago and when I had the money, I would have left him and allowed the divorce to continue on and start my own life, without him. And if he could have recovered and become a better man, then we could have reconsidered marriage again. Hindsite is always 20/20, isn't it?

The best and worst of our marriage happened these past 5 years but in the end, it wasn't really worth it because he took advantage of me and continued to cause me pain. He was relentless in his emotional abuse, almost got a high out of hurting me. I hope God has mercy on his soul and can help to fix him.

You and your WW both have good jobs. Both of you are capable of taking care of yourselves. Neither of you need each other financially. I just don't see that she is worthy of saving the marriage over. But obviously it is up to you.

AHGuy posted 7/21/2020 13:53 PM

I may have missed it, but you donít say how long the A went.

At least 2 years from what I could see. We started doing his properties in early 2017 but she dealt with him few times before that, now thinking about it he started hitting on her when he gave her the management of his rentals in 2017.
there was a time after the A where your wife and ap sold the obs that you were separated, and she lied to you about why she and you were no longer working for om. How long did that go on, and what attitude was your ww taking toward you?

I donít know the exact dates other than I was told June 30th that we canít be working for him anymore. They exchanged messages in mid June. So I think they got busted in late June. But I didnít found out till July 9th.
About her attitude. Didnít notice any big changes from how she was prior. Remember she has been kinda distant.

Also, it looks like there was a family intervention. How did she act.

The family intervention was for her to explain things for her mom and sisters. One of her sisters already knew and was giving me hints but I was blinded. All of my kids were there but when I arrived they asked my sons to leave. I barely said a word. It was mainly her asking for forgiveness and crying a bunch BS about how it was all stupid and nothing but fantasy. I did mention the heat incident and how I felt disrespected I mentioned her plan to leave me for him once Kyle is over 18 other than that I went silent.

I

know you are not talking to her, but has she offered Anything beyond ďI didnít mean itĒ? That is a mighty slim place for her to land.

And finally. ďLove youĒ? Thatís it?


No she hasnít offered anything other than an apology hand written letter and a text message. But honestly Iím the one preventing her from presenting anything.


Buffer posted 7/21/2020 13:59 PM

Brother, two years of disrespect, two of years of lies, two years of conscious decisions all add up this wasnít a mistake or fantasy. Keep in contact with the AP wife, there is more.
One day at a time
Buffer

AHGuy posted 7/21/2020 14:01 PM

I have a few questions if you are willing to answer.

1.) What has your wife done to help heal the marriage?
2.) Has she shown any remorse and or reach out to you asking for forgiveness?


1- I saw That she ordered 2 books from Amazon about infidelity, we share the account so I got notified. One book titled Healing from Infidelity and the forgot the other.
2- she did ask for forgiveness, I pledge to do whatever to make it up, my problem is there isnít anything that could make it up
Also, you need to talk with her and asked her if she is still in contact with her AP. You need to have access to all of your communication devices.

I do want to talk to her, just I havenít got myself to swallow my pride and do it. But I will maybe sooner than later.

nekonamida posted 7/21/2020 14:13 PM

AHG, do you have access to her cell phone records? Check them before you talk to her. Double check that she isn't still texting or calling him. She can very very easily fake a NC text when not done in front of you. Consider buying a VAR too and putting it in her car too or somewhere else where she often takes phone calls. Even if she is not still talking to OM, she may be calling friends and pining for the OM to them. She may be complaining or even lying to friends and family in preparation for D so that they ignore you and take her side. There is so much good info on where she's really at that you can find out from a VAR.

SlapNutsABingo posted 7/21/2020 14:15 PM

AH,

2 years (that you know of) is an attempt and succeeding at another life. That is a ton of sex! This coupled with your dead bedroom , shows that you had been replaced by the AP as husband early on. That and the fact that she didnít want to cheat on her AP with what was her first and only.

Based on that and what you have read in the texts, that is proof of moving on. When your youngest was out, so was she.

Mrhealed posted 7/21/2020 14:21 PM

AHGuy

She should be doing muchmore if she wanted to save her marriage.

2 years is a long time. She must be mourning the lost of OM. Is common for WS to still be in love with AP after Dday and thinking he are such great person. That why your WW hasbt done but the minimum to save face. By kbow she should be begging and promissing to do anything to save her marriage, but she is not. She is just in suvival Mode.

Other posibility is that she is still in Contact with OM, even if the affair is over, as he is such a "grear Guy" so no need to save her marriage. Just sorry she hurt you.

You should ask her about her being in love with AP, when/if you talk to her (If you are set on D, unless you want/need clousure there is no point in giving her a chance to explain.)

In a nut Shell, do not asume that she loves you, even if she say so( she is a proven lier), do not offer R if she doesnt ask for It (she may just be willing to do anything to save face) and explain why she want It and her current feelings for OM.

In reagard you SIL, why hasbt she say a things before? Did she tryed to talk out your wife from the affair? Anyone that knew about the afair and didnt told you, is not your friend. Being family may explain It, but not justify It.

AHGuy posted 7/21/2020 14:28 PM

[ quote]You and your WW both have good jobs. Both of you are capable of taking care of yourselves. Neither of you need each other financially. I just don't see that she is worthy of saving the marriage over. But obviously it is up to you.
Thanks for sharing your story Hurtmyheart, Iím sorry it is sad one.
Yes we are both capable of surviving financially on our own, I just dwell on 28 years of memories. Our life wasnít perfect but it was not bad at all. We worked hard. Married at young age and had a kid at the age of 20. It was hard but we went through it she went to college while being a mother and worked as waiter. We supported each other and had 3 beautiful kids. I canít just turn all this off my brain, the more I think about the memories the more I hate her and the POS OM, but I realize that I still love that woman. It is hard to explain. everyone that knows me think Iím a rude tough man but just a face in reality Iím just a weak human being.

Brother, two years of disrespect, two of years of lies, two years of conscious decisions all add up this wasnít a mistake or fantasy. Keep in contact with the AP wife, there is more.
One day at a time
Buffer

One day at a time indeed. Thatís all I can do.
AHG, do you have access to her cell phone records? Check them before you talk to her. Double check that she isn't still texting or calling him. She can very very easily fake a NC text when not done in front of you. Consider buying a VAR too and putting it in her car too or somewhere else where she often takes phone calls. Even if she is not still talking to OM, she may be calling friends and pining for the OM to them.

My buddy is going to give me 3 VARs that he doesnít need any more, as for phone access and records I donít have that.
I will contact the OMís wife to see if she has any update.


2 years (that you know of) is an attempt and succeeding at another life. That is a ton of sex! This coupled with your dead bedroom , shows that you had been replaced by the AP as husband early on. That and the fact that she didnít want to cheat on her AP with what was her first and only.

Based on that and what you have read in the texts, that is proof of moving on. When your youngest was out, so was she. (that you know of) is an attempt and succeeding at another life. That is a ton of sex! This coupled with your dead bedroom , shows that you had been replaced by the AP as husband early on. That and the fact that she didnít want to cheat on her AP with what was her first and only.

Based on that and what you have read in the texts, that is proof of moving on. When your youngest was out, so was she.


Yes I was an idiot for thinking she wouldnít do it and ignored the signs. But Iím not stupid to not see that she had replaced me and planned a life with him, she said that she lived in a fantasy world and she never wanted to leave.

beenthereinco posted 7/21/2020 15:15 PM

she said that she lived in a fantasy world and she never wanted to leave

Of course she wanted to leave in the middle of this. The POSOM wouldn't do it and once his wife found out your WW now knows that to be true. I think you'd have a better chance at Reconciling if she'd just admit that. She got played, she needs to admit that to you instead of continuing to insult your intelligence here.

ShutterHappy posted 7/21/2020 15:31 PM

AHGuy,

Thereís a couple of ďpatternĒ stories when your read JFO long enough.

Based on what you said so far, and based on similar stories, and because you only have the texts and no timeline, I would guess the following:

Your WW got hired to work for the POSOM. he saw her, liked her and started to give her compliments with the intention of having an affair. Your WW liked the attention and let herself fall for it (itís her decision, she is no victim).

The POSOM was in it for the sex, and your WW was in it for the attention. I donít think either wanted to leave their marriage, or they would have done so already, or when it was discovered (yes thereís a lot of stories of the WS leaving for their AP upon discovery and those stories donít end well for the cheaters). Leaving their spouses was only fantasy talk.

As a word of warning, in these type of affairs, where the POSOM enjoys bringing down the BH, the POSOM will get the WW to do ďthingsĒ normally not done by the married couple. That is why I asked whether they went to your home.

After 2 years, they got careless, overconfident and got busted.

The POSOM will sing a song to his BW, saying how sorry he is etc... and she will fall for it because she doesnít have the benefit of SI, and she doesnít know what to ask for true R.

The POSOM may try to contact your WW when things come down.

Your WW got dumped by her lover but she is still probably in the fog. After LTA, waywards often donít wake up to reality just like that. Most WW donít know what to do on day 1 and will say stuff like ďit was only sex, I didnít love himĒ (which is pretty much exactly the wrong thing to say to a BH).

Most Waywards do it wrong at the beginning. Maybe she is still in contact with the POSOM, to keep the rainbows and unicorns going, maybe not. She does realize that she might be losing her BH, specially since you are doing the 180 instead of doing the pick me dance. Whether she is ready to do the work for R or not, itís hard to say because you didnít talk to her. Which is fine, itís your choice, based on your need.

If you plan on talking to her, people here will have good advice. For example, she might say: ďhow can you throw away 28 years of marriage?Ē. And the answer would be: when you took a boyfriend, you divorced me without telling me. Youíre the one who threw away our marriage. Now I have to decide if I want to officialise this or let you rebuild trust and creat a new marriage.

If you are dead set on D, Iím not sure VAR will help you much, except wearing one to protect yourself against false DV claim (yes it happens regularly). If you are undecided, thatís ok.

Because you were ďfiredĒ as a husband, do what is in YOUR best interest. You are no longer your WW protector. It would be prudent to get tested for STD (how do you know if the POSOM didnít have other AP or maybe prostitutes ?) and talk to a lawyer.

Keep on posting and weíll keep on replying.

Hurtmyheart posted 7/21/2020 15:37 PM

I understand your sadness and hesitation, my WH and I were together 33 1/2 years and married for 32 years, somewhat of a tragedy in the end but am slowly beginning to remember the good times. Grieving has its own journey.

I feel you need to do what you want to do. If you choose to stay and work at R then that is fine. BUT she needs to step up to the plate and prove her worthiness to you over and over and over again for the rest of your lives together. She needs to make drastic changes and live by her new truth. The question that needs to be answered, is she capable of this change? And are both of you willing to do the work? I will tell you that it can get very grueling, especially when the setbacks happen. And of course, new boundries need to be reestablished. I would also want to know if she is all in to work on your marriage.

I know at different times in my marriage there were men trying to lure me away from my husband (and I was very flattered by their attention) but I knew it was wrong and I kept my boundries up. I even told my husband that I was uncomfortable with their attention. Sadly he turned it on me, as if I did something wrong...

I am so glad that you found this site. If you are willing, you will have so much advice (and it can become overwhelming) to help you to navigate your best outcome. Sorry you found yourself here.

Westway posted 7/21/2020 15:59 PM

the more I think about the memories the more I hate her and the POS OM, but I realize that I still love that woman. It is hard to explain. everyone that knows me think Iím a rude tough man but just a face in reality Iím just a weak human being

You're a contractor, and contractors have to be tough in order to survive, because there are so many dirtbags and cheats and frauds out there who are determined to either not pay you or cheat you out of your hard-earned cash. I work with dozens of contractors in my business, and they are all tough, no-nonsense guys who sometimes come across as rude, when in reality it is them just being direct. To me you seem like a "to the point" kind of guy who doesn't put much stock in frivolities.

The one thing you are not is weak. Look, you can hate your WW for what she did and despise her for her weakness, and you can be disgusted by her and find her revolting for being another man's whore, and you can proceed with divorce and rid your life of her toxicity, and yet... still love her.

As much as I hate my STBXWW for what she did to me, I still love her to some extent, because she was the focal point of my life for over two decades. You don't shut that off in a week, or two weeks, or two months or even two years. It doesn't work that way, and it is not a slight against your character because you still love her.

[This message edited by Westway at 4:00 PM, July 21st (Tuesday)]

Newlifeisgreat posted 7/21/2020 15:59 PM

Why does AH have to talk to her???
He can just file and let the lawyer deal with her. He can basically ghost her with the exception on issues about the youngest son.

AH,
You do need to talk to a lawyer as soon as possible. You need to protect yourself, your son, and your business.

As for your business, there are definitely ways to protect your business.
While Iím not sure about the laws of your state, I had a friend who had an LLC. He was the only employee. During the divorce his wife got a 50% share of the business. The day after the divorce was finalized, he sent her a registered letter stating that he was resigning from the company effective immediately. He started to work for a friendly competitor. That same day his lawyer sent her a letter stating that he gave up day-to-day control of the operation of the LLC, however he still retained 50% interest in the business and expected 50% of the profit and also any money from the liquidation of equipment.

She was in a panic And contacted her attorney. I forget the figures, but the deal was ultimately struck that he paid her a minimal amount of money and gained her 50% of the company.

However this is something that you have to run by your lawyer. Your lawyer knows what to do.

Wish you nothing but the best of luck,
Stay strong,

And if you are heading towards divorce, the sooner you get it started, the sooner you can start to heal. In my divorce, I went somewhat scorch-Earth. While Iím not saying it is for everyone, but filing and shocking her by unexpectedly having her served did wonders FOR ME

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 4:04 PM, July 21st (Tuesday)]

longsadstory1952 posted 7/21/2020 16:37 PM

AH has to talk to her because he is owed an explanation, and not the BS about it being a fantasy and he cannot believe his own eyes. He loves the woman, not that she particularly is worthy of it, and perhaps instinctively wants to hear what she has to say for herself. This can be very useful either way he chooses to go.

If she wants the marriage, she should have no issue with being recorded.

When the time comes, AH, do not comfort her in any way. She will draw all kinds of cues from that.

And finally, any more talk of you being a weak man will cause me to find you and bitch slap you,

KingofNothing posted 7/21/2020 16:40 PM

One of her sisters already knew and was giving me hints but I was blinded. All of my kids were there but when I arrived they asked my sons to leave.

Okay, how did her sister find out about this? Why didn't she tell you directly?

I'm glad your sons are aware of what happened. They have a right to know what their mother chose to do. Telling them to move to another room isn't going to change that.

As for your son, the sophomore, he's being a teenager and he's probably scared shitless about what is about to happen. Remember, his mom didn't cheat on HIM, she cheated on you, Dad, who he probably (no offense meant) thinks is a bit of a hard ass because he works for you. My dad was a Naval Officer at that age, and I felt the same way. He's pushing back a little, because he wants things to go back to where they used to be. It's sad of course, but it wasn't something you chose either. You might want to have a little man to man with your boy and explain your thoughts and feelings ... as odd as that might be. Tell him that you require distance from his mother right now. You've been betrayed in the worst way a man can be betrayed and that isn't easy to heal from, so .. the long and short of it is if you want the basement in your own damned house he might have to make some accommodation in his gaming routine. Sleep is precious for you right now and you aren't getting it like you should. If you want to stay in the basement, that's your call.

If he understands the WHY of it, he might be a little more accommodating. If he acts like a jerk, wish him a long and happy life with a partner that never cheats on him, and you'll be there for him to talk to when he wants to.

Buster123 posted 7/21/2020 16:46 PM

I think you're still in shock and need to snap out of it and take action. If you want closure and want to make a more informed decision, you should sit her down and tell her to talk, also demand she writes a complete timeline of the A with all the details, it helps with remorse and puts it in black and white, also sometimes cheaters forget the lies they tell and the timeline would serve as a reference for future discussions. Having her read the timeline out loud to you helps her face her huge betrayal, their little secrets are no more, it's like "exposure" all over again, exposure typically kills the "romantic, beautiful and exciting" aspect of the A.

Hold her feet to the fire, ask her the tough questions, it's obvious that this A would still be ongoing had they not been caught, grill her on the plans to leave you for him, was/is she still in love with AP, is she still in contact with him and/or when was the last time they talked or texted, did they try to get their stories straight, who dumped who, who else knew besides the sister, who else enabled/helped cover for the A, etc., all this subject to a polygraph. Has she been tested for STDs (you should too)?, also don't forget to contact a D attorney to know where you stand legally, ask her if she ever contacted one. Don't forget to touch basis with OBS, her info is crucial.

Dismayed2012 posted 7/21/2020 16:54 PM

Sorry about your situation AH.

Please realize that your wife would have left with the other man if he hadn't dumped her. He was paying extra attention, taking her places, and buying her things. He had the money to give her a new life but instead he called it off, that's why she's begging to be back with you.

You would do well to educate yourself on divorce by talking with a couple good men's divorce lawyers. After consulting with them, decide on one and have divorce agreement paperwork started. The agreement can be used as a post-nuptial agreement or as a divorce agreement. Regardless of how you use it, you should start the process now; there's no reason to wait. This is something that you'll thank yourself for later. It's important that you protect your company and your future and get this completed without delay.

Also, you should separate your accounts from her accounts if they're not already separate. If you have both names on anything, decide who's name will remain and who's will be removed. Again, regardless of whether you divorce or not, you can and should get this completed.

Again I'm sorry about your situation. At this stage you're in love with who you thought your wife was. There will come another stage where you realize that your wife is actually not who you imagined she was. That's when you'll notice thee beginning of apathetic feelings toward her. This is the stage where your head starts to register the reality of your situation and where your thoughts are more clear.

Take care of yourself and continue the 180 until you start feeling better and thinking more clearly. It's not prideful to stay with the 180 and not talk to your wife. The 180 gives you space so your brain can properly assimilate your reality. Don't rush your head. I wish the best for you.

ChamomileTea posted 7/21/2020 16:55 PM

Another tough night, this time an argument with my son kept me sleepless, I guess our honeymoon didn't even last 2 weeks and we're back at butting heads. he just spoiled and selfish, I had just fell asleep he came down to play games on the basement TV and chatting loud while playing. I was like WTF? he was like what don't you just go sleep upstairs, you don't have to be with mom, sleep in my room or " daughter's " old room.

He's not going to understand what you're going through. Intimate betrayal is so different than anything else we've ever experienced, and no one truly "gets it" until it happens to them. If you think back to when your buddies were going through it, sure... you sympathized, but NOW you see what it's all about. I shudder to think of all the bad advice I once gave to friends who had been cheated on and how I couldn't understand why it wasn't a clear-cut choice or why they couldn't just "move on". It's not that our friends and family don't want to empathize, it's that they can't. Not really. Not unless they KNOW that kind of pain.

I feel ya on the grown kids living at home and not adulting yet. Like many modern day Americans, I'm right there in the thick of it. The internet offers them this weird, albeit more attractive, alternative to real life. Real life requires real effort, and cyber effort is so much easier. I read a Berkley study years ago which suggests that the two reasons why our young are maturing later in life are: 1) over-stimulation of the reward center of the brain, and 2) the absence of "side-along learning" with parents and other adults. I think I'd have to agree on that, and wish I'd known it twenty years ago.

Anyway, try not to be offended by your youngster's lack of awareness, and if you can get him doing duct-work with you... it's good for his brain development.

AHGuy posted 7/21/2020 18:38 PM

Need you take on this,
My daughter and I just had a long phone conversation. She wants to get in between her mom and I. she wants me to give her mom a chance to explain herself.so I promised to give her an hour this Thursday after my physical but I haven't confirmed yet.

Okay, how did her sister find out about this? Why didn't she tell you directly?

her sister noticed the changes suspected it and pressed her until she confessed. SIL gave my wife hard time pressed her to end A but she told me she didn't feel she was in place to tell me. she believes midlife crisis affected my wife. she was telling to be careful to look out for my wife she warned me that I'm loosing her she kept telling me to pay more attention to her to take her out on dates to dedicate more time for fun and less work. she was hinting but i just didn't get it.
she threatened her many time to either end her A or she would tell me but my wife was dragging her feet.

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