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New Betrayed Husband

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BeyondRage posted 7/20/2020 19:44 PM

AH
You stated you have no idea if your wife and OM are still talking. My friend, if you’re even entertaining the thought of even having a dialogue with her you better fucking get the answer to that one.
You at present have no more info help coming from OBS . If she bounces him what’s your guess the first thing he will do ?
Ask her the questions if you talk to her and then do the poly .
That’s if you even want to go that route of talking to her

ChamomileTea posted 7/20/2020 21:14 PM

I think Divorce is the way to go but I want to be calculated too. Do we have to have some sort of agreement on assets and custody before I file? My business depends on my house I will have to make sure I could keep it first.

Talk with your attorney, but my understanding of "no fault" divorce cases is that all your assets and all your debts will be considered and then split 50/50. So, the other house might offset the value of this one, and if it doesn't, you might sweeten the deal with vehicles, timeshares, home furnishings, jewelry, or whatever adds up to 50%. If she balks because she wants the house and you find yourself at an impasse, well... maybe there's something to be had from the termination of your business relationship with the AP on DDay, maybe a threatened lawsuit which would drag him into court and embarrass the both of them? A good divorce attorney should be able to brainstorm up ways to get you to that 50% mark. Since she's a realtor, insist on a home appraiser who's outside her sphere of influence.

GoldenR posted 7/20/2020 21:35 PM

AH -

If your state has the alienation of affection law, I'd go after that rich bastard.

The1stWife posted 7/20/2020 21:50 PM

Gibraltar. In response to your post about AH using the emails against her, I dud exactly that to my H at dday2. He swore he wanted to R and all I could think of was his “reasons” for his affair.

So i used his own words against him.

One example was “why would you want to remain married to me b/c I remember you saying that I have never said I’m sorry to you in 30 years”. Or you said “I only married you to spite my parents, not b/c I loved you so I’m not sure why you want to R with someone who you believed never loved you”.

That’s what you get when you talk badly about your spouse who used to work for a trial attorney. I used every affair justification he threw at me and I threw it right back in his face.

It AH you woukd sctuskky have to speak to your W and I know you are Not doing that right now.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:52 PM, July 20th (Monday)]

Organic2003 posted 7/20/2020 23:41 PM

AH

Glad you had fun fishing even if you got sick.

I hope you take that as a warning to take better care of your health. There are many stories of infidelity trauma leading to a ride to a hospital due to malnourishment, dehydration and stress related heart problems. (I think Thumos was one).

This may be the toughest time of your life, be careful, learn to eat even if it is smoothies, drink a lot of water, it helps with better brain function under stress. I know this maybe hard to see but WW can suffer from the same issues, you might want to check on her even if it is hard to do.

Get some exercise even though your job is physical. (My brother owns a HVAC Co.) I know the work can be hard. Spending your time on business is probably what you do, but consider joining a gym. So many benefits of getting away to exercise.

You are a young man in his prime, trust me it slips by fast. Take care of yourself and enjoy some more fishing.

Get some sleep !!!

Good night AH

ramius posted 7/21/2020 01:53 AM

Ah yes.

The “leading two separate lives” affair, except for the part where she involved you.

You will hear all the classic lines, waitedwaytoolong spelled them out. Many a WW has been here and used the same playbook. For some it’s works and they get to keep their husband and lifestyle. For others, it doesn’t.

Something else to watch out for. The emotional or nervous breakdown. It’s a classic manipulation technique. The goal is to trigger the BH’s innate desire to care for and rescue their wife. Don’t let it fool you.

Also I had a friend who’s mom waited until he was graduated to leave his dad for her lover. He has not spoken to her in over 20 years. She has never meet his wife, or her grandkids. If your youngest son is wired like this, if he is disgusted with her behavior, he may go this route. Just something to keep an eye out for.

44 years old, stand up guy, with successful business. Your market value is very high. You will have no problem getting interest from women.

Chin up.

Buffer posted 7/21/2020 02:39 AM

AHG,
The no sex demand is the AP claiming dominance over the wayward partner. Also some WS don’t want to be in a two partner sexual relationship. So she also pulls back.
Remember, you saw your WW warts and all, sick, hungover, that time of the month, her AP only saw the dressed to impress, sexy, woman eager to do anything sexual to the AP, things she would never do for you. This is so AP can always claim that over the BS.
One day at a time.
Buffer

[This message edited by Buffer at 1:46 PM, July 21st (Tuesday)]

KingofNothing posted 7/21/2020 06:38 AM

I have all my evidence saved up in a flush drive and my work computer

AH

Back all of it up on a Google drive or Dropbox or something she doesn’t have access to. Serious, if she ever discovers it she’ll not hesitate to delete or destroy the evidence.

AHGuy posted 7/21/2020 06:45 AM

Another tough night, this time an argument with my son kept me sleepless, I guess our honeymoon didn't even last 2 weeks and we're back at butting heads. he just spoiled and selfish, I had just fell asleep he came down to play games on the basement TV and chatting loud while playing. I was like WTF? he was like what don't you just go sleep upstairs, you don't have to be with mom, sleep in my room or " daughter's " old room. it took every it had to not kick his ass.He's fucking addicted to that game. He still mad at me this morning like I did something wrong, he had an attitude when I was telling him about a job he's is going to. Speaking of our fucked up society now a day. at his age I was already a father.

AH
You stated you have no idea if your wife and OM are still talking. My friend, if you’re even entertaining the thought of even having a dialogue with her you better fucking get the answer to that one.
You at present have no more info help coming from OBS . If she bounces him what’s your guess the first thing he will do ?
Ask her the questions if you talk to her and then do the poly .
That’s if you even want to go that route of talking to her

I see what you mean, i know I will have to talk to her one way or another, I'm not even at a 2 weeks mark yet, still trying to absorb my feelings first.
Talk with your attorney, but my understanding of "no fault" divorce cases is that all your assets and all your debts will be considered and then split 50/50. So, the other house might offset the value of this one, and if it doesn't, you might sweeten the deal with vehicles, timeshares, home furnishings, jewelry, or whatever adds up to 50%. If she balks because she wants the house and you find yourself at an impasse, well... maybe there's something to be had from the termination of your business relationship with the AP on DDay, maybe a threatened lawsuit which would drag him into court and embarrass the both of them? A good divorce attorney should be able to brainstorm up ways to get you to that 50% mark. Since she's a realtor, insist on a home appraiser who's outside her sphere of influence.

the other house will not be enough to offset I will still have to give her around $100K to make up the difference, other thing is she would claim half of my business too which would suck. The more I think about it the more I get anxious
Glad you had fun fishing even if you got sick.

I hope you take that as a warning to take better care of your health. There are many stories of infidelity trauma leading to a ride to a hospital due to malnourishment, dehydration and stress related heart problems. (I think Thumos was one).

This may be the toughest time of your life, be careful, learn to eat even if it is smoothies, drink a lot of water, it helps with better brain function under stress. I know this maybe hard to see but WW can suffer from the same issues, you might want to check on her even if it is hard to do.

Get some exercise even though your job is physical. (My brother owns a HVAC Co.) I know the work can be hard. Spending your time on business is probably what you do, but consider joining a gym. So many benefits of getting away to exercise.

You are a young man in his prime, trust me it slips by fast. Take care of yourself and enjoy some more fishing.

Get some sleep !!!


Luckily for me I have good genes, I was as never out of shape barely get sick unlike my WW. I never had to use gyms. so health wise i will be OK. my only problem is maintaining sleep since my D Day, I fall asleep quick but keep getting up in the middle of the night with my heart beating fast.
44 years old, stand up guy, with successful business. Your market value is very high. You will have no problem getting interest from women.

It is not that easy my friend. I'm 44 but with 0 experience in the dating world, I never dated anyone else and have no idea how to do it. one of our friends stayed single till his mid 40s he was always on dating sites and apps, I gotta admit that part of me used to envy him for his life style but I Thought he wasted too much time being single and not raising kids. I never wanted any other woman but my wife she was more than enough for me. trust me it is very hard to think about moving on to another relationship. I literally grow up with her. we both started from 0 living in her mom's basement to owning a business and 2 houses. typing this makes me want to explode at her for doing this to us with that POS.

Remember, you saw your WW warts and all, sick, hungover, that time of the month, her AP only saw the dressed to impress, sexy, woman eager to do anything sexual to the AP, things she would never do for you. This is so AP can always claim that over the PS.
One day at a time.

you are absolutely right, they only saw the nice part of each other then they go home to live the reality. I'm not a perfect husband I have my moments too like every other human being, the way I look at it base on what I read, she looked for all the bad things in my personalty and chased the opposite in him, it was clear I just was blind.
The no sex demand is the AP claiming dominance over the wayward partner. Also some WS don’t want to be in a two partner sexual relationship. So she also pulls back.

yes she was pulling back for a while she is such a liar, she lied to him too about having sex with me when we were in Florida, She complained to him about me replacing a toilet and a vanity in my parents house, she told him the bathroom was fine he is just looking for any excuse to work. he responded with some BS wishing he was there to hold her hand (BTW, 90% of his messages are something similar to this) then he asked her if we were sleeping on the same bed, she said yes, he said " I hope he ain't getting no P***y from you" she said no we don't do it here any way. which was a lie because I remember that we did have sex that night as a matter of fact it was the only time in the last 2 years where we had sex 3 times in one week.

[This message edited by AHGuy at 6:52 AM, July 21st (Tuesday)]

Newlifeisgreat posted 7/21/2020 06:59 AM

Make a few calls to local divorce attorneys today to set up appointments.

The sooner you start the process, the sooner you begin the healing process. And speaking from experience, you are going to be shocked how good it feels when that 10,000 pound weight currently on your shoulders falls off! All you will have to say to the lawyer is, “ok, file and serve her as soon a possible”

And you are also going to be shocked at just how good the other side is!

Good luck
Stay Strong
And ALWAYS do what you must so you can look yourself in the mirror!

[This message edited by Newlifeisgreat at 7:01 AM, July 21st (Tuesday)]

fooled13years posted 7/21/2020 07:28 AM

AH, other than the A being exposed, her AP going back to his BW, the kids knowing and you doing a version of the 180, has she suffered any consequences as a result of her A?

steadychevy posted 7/21/2020 07:34 AM

AHGuy, you probably don't think you're doing very well but I do. I compare you to me at the same stage you are in and lots of others I've observed over the years in JFO.

You've had lots of advise and I'm not going to repeat it but just add a few comments.

I didn't go back and look to see if you've gotten some VARs. If you have great. If not get at least one to carry with you at all times. You are in the same house so watch out for false DV claims.

Meal replacement drinks were necessary for me. I couldn't get solid food past the back of my tongue without puking. You might consider getting a few just to make sure you're getting the nutrition.

Consider seeing a doctor about getting a sleep aid of some kind. I was the same as you for a long time. Fall asleep but wake up after a couple of hours with mind racing and unable to go back to sleep. Very unhealthy and can make you accident prone. I didn't start sleeping well until after I separated. Consider it.

It's a long haul. Take care of yourself. Stay strong. Wishing you strength of mind and clarity of thought. Best wishes in this shit storm.

Robert22205https posted 7/21/2020 08:05 AM

Regardless of whether you decide to R or D, IMO this is the most strategic time to:

- file for D (to get the clock ticking) but inform her that although you lean towards D she has until the D is final to change your mind (through her actions not words).

- (since she's desperate to save face and preserve her status within the family, use this to your advantage) talk to your attorney about having her agree to an asset split & custody agreement. Not to get more than your fair share - but to ensure you do get your fair share (and the house w/your business).

AHGuy posted 7/21/2020 08:09 AM

AH, other than the A being exposed, her AP going back to his BW, the kids knowing and you doing a version of the 180, has she suffered any consequences as a result of her A?

I don't think she has suffered any other consequences, other than maybe missing what I do for the house. I had always took care of the house, I cook dinner do dishes most nights, I clean the house. I have an OCD, my life is on a systematic cycles. I have a schedule for everything I do. even my vacation are taken in the same time of the year. so probably she misses me making dinner and cleaning the house or maybe not.
AHGuy, you probably don't think you're doing very well but I do. I compare you to me at the same stage you are in and lots of others I've observed over the years in JFO.
that's exactly what my friend who had been in my shoes told me,but keep in mind I haven't done anything yet, so we'll see how good i can handle it

fooled13years posted 7/21/2020 08:26 AM

AH,

I have an OCD

My wife is very detailed oriented. She tells me she does not suffer from OCD but does have a raging case of ATD. That's Attention To Detail

longsadstory1952 posted 7/21/2020 08:52 AM

I may have missed it, but you don’t say how long the A went. Also, there was a time after the A where your wife and ap sold the obs that you were separated, and she lied to you about why she and you were no longer working for om. How long did that go on, and what attitude was your ww taking toward you?

Both issues will affect the possibility of R.

Also, it looks like there was a family intervention. How did she act. Another effect on R.

I know you are not talking to her, but has she offered Anything beyond “I didn’t mean it”? That is a mighty slim place for her to land.

And finally. “Love you”? That’s it?

[This message edited by longsadstory1952 at 8:56 AM, July 21st (Tuesday)]

Bigheart2018 posted 7/21/2020 08:59 AM

Dear AH,

I have a few questions if you are willing to answer.

1.) What has your wife done to help heal the marriage?
2.) Has she shown any remorse and or reach out to you asking for forgiveness?

Also, you need to talk with her and asked her if she is still in contact with her AP. You need to have access to all of your communication devices. Beyond Rage has given you some good advice. Please read his post again.

The reason I'm recommending you ask for these devices is that you haven't yet decided if you want D or R.

While you are in the waiting stage, gather as much information as possible.

Last but not least, I would expose the affair to everyone!!!

Best,
Bigheart

ShutterHappy posted 7/21/2020 09:36 AM

he responded with some BS wishing he was there to hold her hand (BTW, 90% of his messages are something similar to this)

I hope you realize by now what this is all about... feeding your WW with ego kibbles.

Don’t worry about dating after D. First things first... contact a lawyer and focus on getting out of the current situation.

The 180 is not to punish or manipulate your WW. It’s for you to detach from your WW and making clear decisions about what is the best path for YOU going forward.

KingofNothing posted 7/21/2020 09:53 AM

had just fell asleep he came down to play games on the basement TV and chatting loud while playing. I was like WTF? he was like what don't you just go sleep upstairs, you don't have to be with mom, sleep in my room or " daughter's " old room. it took every it had to not kick his ass.He's fucking addicted to that game.

Let me guess: Animal Crossing?

Michigan posted 7/21/2020 11:25 AM

He (OM) asked her if we were sleeping on the same bed, she said yes, he said " I hope he ain't getting no P***y from you" she said no we don't do it here any way.

Which was a lie because I remember that we did have sex that night as a matter of fact it was the only time in the last 2 years where we had sex 3 times in one week.

AHGuy


Sex three times in one week for the first time in two years? Lying to the OM and “cheating” on him with you obviously turned her on. She’s a real piece of work.

[This message edited by Michigan at 11:26 AM, July 21st (Tuesday)]

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