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New Betrayed Husband

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EllieKMAS posted 7/20/2020 13:44 PM

I'm only 44 year old, I can still start over but would I ever trust any other woman?
I know how easy it is to start thinking whatifwhatif in the early days, but don't even worry about this for right now. IF you end up D'd and IF you do the work you need to to heal from all this, then trusting will happen healthily and naturally. And here's a shocker for you, but trust comes way easier with someone who hasn't betrayed you and who acts in a manner that is deserving of being trusted!

I am so sorry you are here. Your ww sounds like a real peach (she said sarcastically). You've received a lot of pretty great advice, so the only thing I will add is that whatever YOU NEED to do to heal from this is perfectly ok. Right now, you do not owe her anything - especially because she is in no way remorseful. And don't let her text fool you - it is still all about 'poor her'. Keep taking care of yourself and giving yourself the space you need to process things by utilizing the 180.

Hang in there. I know it doesn't feel that way right now, but you will get through this and come out the other side.

beenthereinco posted 7/20/2020 14:10 PM

Elle is completely correct. In the middle of it you can feel like you will never find your way to trust anyone again but it is possible and it comes. You will look up one day and you'll be in the midst of a new relationship and it feels right. That day will come without forcing or worrying.

Buffer posted 7/20/2020 14:14 PM

Brother, my opinion only, she is trying to face save only.
I only ask what is she doing to help you?
Nothing? There you go, plan B. No one wants to be that plan.
One day at a time
Buffer

scrambledbrain posted 7/20/2020 14:21 PM

AH:

Don't post much; haven't (yet) told my story.

Just wanted to offer one thought on your thread. You said a while back that you don't give a shit if the OM is working on his marriage or not.

You may wish to rethink this, because I think it may be important for your actions going forward.

Specifically, in your case, you got brutal disclosure from the OBS: a rich, motivated BW who took the trouble to not only hire a PI, but to reach out to you and provide you with, among other things, a complete electronic dossier of the A.

It seems to me that such a woman can go one of two directions, and the one she chooses, will certainly guide your WW's actions. Either she reigns him in aggressively, shutting down the A as well as placing great restrictions on his mobility and communication. IN THAT CASE, ANY OVERWROUGHT PLEAS ON THE PART OF YOUR WW FOR YOU TO TAKE HER BACK ARE LIKELY MOTIVATED BY HER BEING DUMPED/LACKING OM AS AN ALTERNATIVE.

On the other hand, if OBS, say, kicks him out, she will probably go scorched earth on the financial side. The path is then clear for your WW and OM, and if she doesn't leave you for him, there's more afoot here than you realize. Maybe he's got other side pieces; maybe SHE does. Maybe he ghosts to try to protect himself from losing all that bread. How your WW reacts should be very instructive in this instance.

One way or another, keeping a close eye on their relationship and staying in touch with OBS, I believe, strengthens your positions and options.

Just a few thoughts from an old sinner....

SlapNutsABingo posted 7/20/2020 14:26 PM

AHG,

I just started reading your story and I'm so very sorry you have to face this type of pain....

One thing in particular stood out to me. You said that the two of you were each others firsts and only's. That is a very powerful bond. That bond was thrown away without a second thought. With such ease and complete disregard of you. Those lies everyday for however long this affair went on show so much flippant hate for you, it is astonishing to me. All of this seemed like such a cruel game to her. Something she seemed to take pleasure in.

I don't see how you could ever feel like you are anything to her ever again. To fix the issue of a home so she could stay behind after you are done to screw, takes so much throwing away of your love. It will never be the same again, you will never ever have that magic, that specialness, that bond. 20 years from now you will be looking yourself in the mirror and saying why? You said how could you trust another woman, Hell you will never trust HER again! Personally after this, I wouldn't have issues trusting another woman. As I would use what you WW wife did to you as a focal point.

She is going to try and Love Bomb you and her attempt at HB will be through the roof! This is more proof that she has nothing for you, based on what you told us about her basically shutting down your sex life. How could you ever feel like a man again with her.

[This message edited by SlapNutsABingo at 2:29 PM, July 20th (Monday)]

waitedwaytoolong posted 7/20/2020 14:49 PM

I agree with the others here who have pointed out the disrespect she has for you. To drag you out to that house and have you fix the love nest is unforgivable. The texts are par for the course for affairs of this type. I would never be able to get over those. You have a lot of documentation with texts and messages. Was this a typical conversation?

My guess is she will be all over you. She sees her life being blown up. She probably had dreams of great dinners and vacations with him when they could have gotten their ducks in a row to divorce. That however was a pipe dreams. Guys like him don't leave their wives. He will toss her into the trash in a split second.

His wife right now is putting him thru the wringer. He is looking at half, or more of his wealth disappearing. Even worse is his net worth is tied to real estate which is very hard to unravel.

You are doing the right thing by icing her now. Keep it up. But as Beyond Rage suggested get her on the record, then put the screws in with the poly. That of course is if you even want to.

You have gotten great advice here. You are doing great.

BeyondRage posted 7/20/2020 15:01 PM

Im gonna add to what WWTL just told you. Don't be so sure his wife is going to divorce him either just because she did the legwork to catch them.

My guess is she's probably a SAHM if he's so rich. And yup she gets half but that probably ain't liquid and ain't enough to let her stay home the rest of her life.

So if she divorces him her cumfy life get blown up too to an extent. My bet is she stays, which means if he gets away with it he's more dangerous to you since he will get the urge to bang your wife again. Women who are living the life of Riley don't give that up so easily. If his BW is some real estate tycoon herself it might be different.

That text she sent you means NOTHING. I'd be asking yourself, can you look yourself in the mirror and believe that if OM divorces his wife tomorrow that your wife will turn him down.???

If the answer to that is YES , you are in for one long and painful ride that is going to cost you a shitload in therapy, which is a whole other issue, with no guarantee of success. So far all she has offered you is being willing to talk. How generous.

And one last thing. You can bet your ass that some of all these new clothes she's been wearing have been bought by rich guy, and that in your home you are living with other gifts or things he bought for her. Loaded guys do not do what he did with your wife and give them nothing. You should not have to ask her. She should be dumping this shit on her own.

[This message edited by BeyondRage at 3:23 PM, July 20th (Monday)]

The1stWife posted 7/20/2020 15:16 PM

In answer to your question about getting out of infidelity, it means you no longer deal with a cheater in your marriage. The affair is over OR if not over, doing the 180 insulates you somewhat from the continued pain of the affair being in your face.

Divorce, reconciliation or separation are all end results. But sometimes if you still have to live together and the cheating continues, there is only one option. And that is the 180 to protect yourself.

ChamomileTea posted 7/20/2020 15:25 PM

I don't want to sound silly but I never realized how much I loved this woman till now, she is probably surprised I haven't divorced her yet, she knows me very well.

No one was more surprised than me that I didn't go through with divorcing my cheating WH. On DDay, I came out of the gate swinging for divorce. I knew I was going to confront him when he came home and I knew that he'd spent the day with an OW. I'd made dinner and made sure he ate before I started talking, because I knew he wouldn't be able to touch a bite after I was done. Weird, I know. Then, I just told him that I knew he'd been cheating, that I didn't care to hear any of the details, and that we would be getting a divorce. He gave me his best hang-dog look and agreed it would be for the best, then scrambled away to go text his girlfriend. We had agreed that I'd find us a lawyer and he'd split the banking, so a few days later, I asked him if he'd done it yet. Turns out that he didn't really want a divorce, and could I give him thirty days to prove that he could be trusted? Well, we'd been married for more than thirty years, and I hadn't found a lawyer yet, so I said, "Fine, but here's the deal... there has to be absolutely no contact with the OWs". Of course, it wasn't more than a couple of weeks before I busted his ass in contact with an OW, the one he'd been future-faking with, trying the "let her down gently" approach so she wouldn't hate him. At that point, I gave him about thirty seconds to decide if he was "all in" or "all out" or the marriage. I was done. I wasn't going to put myself through any kind of back and forth. He ghosted her that day.

I tell you all this, not because I want to influence your decision, but because, like you, I was utterly shocked to find out that I still loved my spouse. And like you, we'd got together young. I'd had the care of him since he was 18 years-old. I didn't know what would happen to him without me but I was already witness to the kind of crummy choices he was capable of making. Things had gone pretty shitty between us for a long time. In a way, he'd put a giant bullseye on my forehead where he then directed every ounce of his middle-aged angst and disappointment with life. His view of me had become parental, like I was the authority figure keeping him from having any fun. The hateful disrespect he directed at me was that of a rebellious teen with a full grown man's resources. And yet, when push came to shove, he didn't want to go. And it wasn't just about the things he'd be losing in the divorce. He was afraid of losing ME.

Our R went gloriously well for the first couple of years. He moved Heaven and Earth to prove he was all in, right up to and including transferring his job out of state, selling the house, and moving away from the triggering scene of his crimes. The last two years we've been struggling because he's not working communications to my satisfaction. Real change is rare, and communications hasn't stuck for him. But our R is still serviceable, if not as joyous as it was. In R, we tend to go through a re-bonding period which is very similar to the early infatuation of courtship and lasts for about as long.

Like I said earlier, no cheater is owed a second chance. So, if your inclination is to divorce, you're NOT wrong. Your WW's behavior was, as you've noted through the response so far, heinously disrespectful. She is not deserving of a second chance. No cheater is. A second chance is a gift, one that you give or withhold based on what YOU want. I do disagree that your cheater is "the worst". My WH spent my birthday that year fucking an OW, then came home, handed me a card which read "hope you find your happy place" with a stale plate of store-bought cheesecake. Then there was "your wife is a c*** day". I saw videos of him fucking her in my vehicle, the same one I'd taken my kids to school in. The OW who came to my work place pretending to be a customer. The plan for coming to my house wearing a disguise just to taunt with her presence. Countless, cruel jokes at my expense. It was like he'd turned into a mean teenager, a bully. But there's a REASON why they put the BS down like that... and it's because if they think about who we are, what we are to them, they can't go through with their dirt. They have to demonize us in order to achieve the mental gymnastics necessary for continued cheating. Which leads us to what they're getting out of it.

Once an affair gets going, the cheater is receiving a biochemical cocktail of feel-good chemicals. Risky behavior cranks up the adrenaline. Oxytocin, released during sex, promotes pair-bonding. Neurotranmitters readjust with norepinephrine rushing in waves, serotonin lowering, and dopamine rewarding the brain. The behavior becomes addictive, and upping the risk results in greater rewards to the brain. So, you begin to see why they keep at it, even when the adultery has become a threat to everything they had. This is also why they twist themselves up and demonize their spouse in order to keep it going.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not defending your WW. I just want you to feel like you have choices. Yes, her behavior was disrespectful and toxic. But the same can be said of every cheater. Adultery, in an of itself, is an act of disrespect, no matter the trappings which go along with it. The cheater respects no one, least of all themselves, as they toss their integrity aside for some cheap-ass chemical high.

I can't speak to D, but I can tell you that R is hard. The dirty little secret of R is that, "yes, the cheater gets away with it". When we take them back, we insist on new boundaries and a real change in the cheater's character. But there is no punishment. Once you've come back together as a couple, you can't punish your cheater without punishing yourself. You don't have to forgive, per se, but you do have to write it out of your ledger... and that's a hard ask. Your situation IS recoverable though if that's what you want. Do spend some time thinking about it before you commit though because the road is long and hard. Like you, I was surprised to find that I still had love left and that I still cared what might happen to my WS.

I can tell you this much regarding D... we have lots of wonderful people who have pulled the ripcord and made better lives for themselves. At 44, you're still a young man and this might be an opportunity for you to explore the world as a single man with complete freedom. In terms of trust, whether you R or D, it won't ever be the blind, naive trust you had in youth. But that's a good thing. Henceforth, your trust will not be given lightly. People will need to earn it.

Strength to you as you process.

DoinBettr posted 7/20/2020 16:01 PM

My guess is she's probably a SAHM if he's so rich. And yup she gets half but that probably ain't liquid and ain't enough to let her stay home the rest of her life.

I wouldn't bet on this. If she hired a PI I bet she wanted to divorce him while getting out of a pre-nup. That is how old money does it. FYI - The old money might be hers. I have some idiot friends who married into money then made more off of it. They divorced due to infidelity both ways and it automatically voided in 99% of the cases with infidelity clauses.
I think he will not go back to AH's wife anyways. She is tainted in his eyes most likely. If he is a in property he would probably hate the bad press.
Keep an eye on the AP, but don't dwell on him. Just divorce your WW. If you want to make things work, force her to woo you back into marriage again. She doesn't deserve the badge of all those years.
Stay strong.

AHGuy posted 7/20/2020 17:06 PM

For anonymity sake, you should go back to your previous post and edit out your real names.

Done Thanks for the heads up.
You gals and guys are great, you definitely know a lot about dealing with infidelity. I think Divorce is the way to go but I want to be calculated too. Do we have to have some sort of agreement on assets and custody before I file? My business depends on my house I will have to make sure I could keep it first.
To respond to some of your questions:
I don't know if OM and his wife are still together. last I spoke with her was last Tuesday he was refusing to leave the house. When she first found out he begged her for a chance she agreed but when I confirmed to her that they lied about me knowing she lost it and asked him to leave. maybe I'll contact her to see what they've been up to. I don't know if Wife and OM are still talking.
Someone asked if there was any disrespect and mocking of me and the other wife on their messages other than the heater incident, they always referred to me by my first name or husband but they nicknamed his wife "Dora" that's not her name and she doesn't look like the cartoon Dora so I don't know why they call her that. other things that irritated me is him being jealous of me, WTF? he was making it like if she was cheating on him with me, the dude was so full of it he was happy we didn't go to on a trip to Jamaica last April for our 25th anniversary and promised her to travel the whole world. we were in Florida at my parents for Christmas and he told her to not let me have any Pu****y after she complained to him about me doing work in my parent house during our vacation. I just can't explain his arrogance.

anoldlion posted 7/20/2020 17:08 PM

I am so sorry that your wife, her AP(who has no honor or integrity) and the fickle finger of fate has stomped on your life. I'd like to tell you some things from an old guy that has been around the world several times and has learned a little bit about life.
(1) Confidence... I don't know if it was a blessing or a curse but God gave me more than my share of confidence. So I am telling you to find your confidence and use it to deal with your situation. Think about the things you are. You are smart or you wouldn't be owning and operating your own business. You are a good provided and loyal to your family. (Do you know how many women there are that would give up almost anything to have a husband like you?) You are loved and thought highly of by your family, friends, and
your community. Look around and check out the things you have and things you have done. There is your confidence.
(2) Emasculation.... Nobody can make you feel emasculated except you. Your wife betrayed and disrespected you by choosing another man over you. You feel like you are plan B. A man should never consider himself plan B or second choice or the consolation prize in his marriage. You are either plan A or first choice or you take yourself completely out of the equation. Right now consider yourself no plan at all. Really, right now she is your plan B. I would be willing to bet there are a couple hundred women, within a 10 mile radius of where you are standing, that would happily take you as their plan A, one and only. Even if you decide to R then she needs to know that, until proven otherwise, she is your plan B. Absolutely let her realize you are the one and only man in this marriage or there is no marriage. If she can't accept that then she knows where the door is and you will be glad to call her AP to come pick her up. I know that no matter what a man feels as emasculation, its not germane to him unless to accepts it to be. Guys worry that their wife cheated on them and her AP had a bigger penis. That doesn't matter. Some guys have big ones and some guys don't. I guarantee there are hundreds of women that will be very happy with your size. A large percent of the turmoil we put ourselves through is generated in our own minds.
(3) Respect.... Yes, she disrespected you in numerous ways. I can think of only one other thing that is more disrespectful than getting your husband to take his wife to her love nest and fixing the heating so she could be warm having sex with her AP and then text her lover about making her husband do such a thing. The only thing worse would be bringing her AP into your home and having sex in your bed. Do not accept the lie that she never meant to humiliate or disrespect you. I can assure you that her POS AP gloried and loved every action and word that made him feel superior. The POS AP felt himself the "big man" when your sex life with your wife went from 3 times a week to maybe 2 times a month. I would surmise that he grinned to himself every time he saw you and thought how he was continuing to cuckold you with your wife's avid participation. Disrespect. She was willingly doing so every day. But consider. She disrespected herself even more that she did you. You may have been an unknowing husband but she willingly turned herself into a rich man's mistress who was being paid off in dinners, nice hotels, and whatever else the POS AP considered was necessary to keep taking her panties off. She hurt you but in the end she destroyed herself. She is now looked upon with distain.
You are only 44 years old. You have so very much living ahead of you. If you want to R then tell her she can come with you in your future or she can stay and wait for her fantasy lover and the his promises that will never happen. You will make it either way. You do know that to R does not mean you have to forgive her and the hurt she caused. Also I suggest you stay in contact with the OMW and compare notes and actions. Just because you think it's over doesn't mean it's over. Trust nothing she says. Just remember that her main aim in life, right now, is to come out of this world of s**t she created in the best condition she can. I'll shut up now. I do wish you well.

ShutterHappy posted 7/20/2020 18:31 PM

other things that irritated me is him being jealous of me, WTF?

Heís not jealous. Heís just giving her compliments to get the sex going. She gets ego kibbles, he get sex. And she believes him. ďMy lover is jealous of my husband, he thinks Iím so great. He would pay a million dollar to get the furnace fixed because Iím so desireableĒ.

Him telling your WW not to have sex with you? Thatís his power trip. He gets to make you starve while getting your wife.

I wonder if you could get some sort of timeline from your WW, even if you want to D. They may had sex in your home, the POSOM seems to be the type...

AHGuy posted 7/20/2020 18:41 PM

I wonder if you could get some sort of timeline from your WW, even if you want to D. They may had sex in your home, the POSOM seems to be the type...

I doubt they had sex in my house , not because they care about me, but it would be too risky , I could be there any time. But you never know

HellFire posted 7/20/2020 18:46 PM

The risk would have made it more "exciting." And she knew your schedule .


And,considering the fact that OM enjoyed humiliating you, and his jealousy, you can just about count on them having been in your house.

ShutterHappy posted 7/20/2020 18:55 PM

My XWW AP was like yours, I can relate. He told her (my XWW) how lucky her husband (me) was to have an amazing woman like her.

Thatís how the players operate. I hope they didnít go in your house, maybe you got ďluckyĒ for that.

waitedwaytoolong posted 7/20/2020 19:03 PM

My guess is with your home being the base of your business that she or he wouldnít risk sex in the house. I unfortunately wasnít so lucky.

As a realtor, and him as a real estate investor, they did have plenty of places to have sex. Brokers are notorious for affairs with each other. Plenty of homes arenít occupied and with a lock box always available. Still doesnít change the humiliation factor

Did she have you interacting with him during the affair other than the trip to his house?

Just wait. She is going to love bomb you. Her world exploded and she has no way out other than you saving her. Put yourself in her shoes. 12 days ago she had you providing for her and your family. She had him giving her great sex and visions of a life with him. Bang. DDay happens. He runs for the hills and you are camped out in the basement not talking to her. How the mighty have fallen. She will tell you now he meant nothing, you are the love of her life, anything to rope you in.

The good news if you want you will have plenty of clean clothes you donít have to wash, and food she will spend hours making. I remember coming home to these elaborate meals set out when I got back from work. I for the longest time walked right by the table to the refrigerator and got a bowl and some cereal and plopped down in front of the Televison. Eventually I did get smarter and ate the meals in silence. Hell she was a great cook!

Everyone here has seen this play. Just remember, you hold the cards now

goalong posted 7/20/2020 19:15 PM

Is she angry at OM for taking her on a fantasy ride for sex? Any normal person should be angry for the humiliation. If not she still value her romps or they may be still in contact.

Gibraltar posted 7/20/2020 19:40 PM

I would have responded to your WW's text expressing her remorse and love for you with a word for word copy of her text exchanges with the POSOM to remind her of just how disrespectful she was - and how unlikely it is that she is truly remorseful.

TheGuy123 posted 7/20/2020 19:40 PM

There is omly one thing your old lady can to come close to make things right is to publicly humiliate om....in doing so she will do it to her self.

Lets just call it accepting the consequences.....

Is she willing to publicly denounce OM? Hell is she even close to denouncing the affair behavior
? Or privately between the four or you? BH, WW, om, & OBS?

If she can bash the moral character they both exhibited publicly..... well lets just see how far she will go with regards to "I'll do anything" bullshyt statement? lol

If your old lady is willing to humiliates and ruin the OM... she might be worth keeping around as a FWB after the D....

Just my $0.02


[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 7:44 PM, July 20th (Monday)]

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