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I feel insignificant

Ascott58 posted 7/15/2020 20:11 PM

So today makes 2 months since dday. I woke up feeling ao depressed. I have so much anger, sadness, hurt, but yet love toward him. I almost feel like it has hit me again. Or maybe I'm finally realizing its not a dream and the shock is over.
I started a new job Monday. I thought it would keep my mind busy. But there are triggers everywhere. The first day someone had said the word infidelity, talking about another coworker's divorce. Then all the woman were talking about being married and being in love and happy and I just sit there. I used to be one of those woman. I wanted everyone to know how lucky I was to have a husband like him. So I just sat there in silence just dying inside. Then later on I was so angry! I just wanted to go up to him and scream "How could you do this?". But our therapist says attacking is not the answer. I told him I feel insignificant now. I dont feel special. He took all that away. He shared with her in 5 months what took us years to build. And he did it so fast.
Our 10th wedding anniversary is next week. That was such a milestone for me. It was never a question of if we make it there it was when we make it there. I just knew we would be so happy. We talked about how we would spend our 10th all the time. It was a big deal for both of us. That day is going to be so hard. All I think of is how much i loved him at that moment. I wasn't even nervous. I knew that was my rock until death do us part.
I just feel like I cant get away from it. I've been exercising a lot lately. Doing workout classes. But all I do is look in the mirror and see someone who is not her. No matter how hard i work I'll never be her. I'll never look like ber. I know its my nonexistent self esteem talking. I think about them together more at the gym than almost anywhere. The one place you think you can escape it. But it does make me push harder so I guess I'm grateful in that aspect.
We said we would give it 6 months and then reevaluate. We are doing therapy, reading books, and spending time together. We have some financial issues due to covid we are working through too. So December just makes sense. But will I know by then? Do you ever know?
I know 2 month is nothing. I get I'm a newborn right now. And maybe I just need to rant. Thanks for all the support!

We are both 33. No kids. Neither wants children. Together 16 years. Married 10 years next week.

Hurtoveragain posted 7/16/2020 12:18 PM

I totally understand and feel many of your emotions. I wish my spouse was open to therapy or even talking. I have yet to find an outlet. Im stuck at the moment. Thanks for sharing

phmh posted 7/16/2020 20:31 PM

You mention therapy - are you doing couples counseling? Or individual therapy? At this point, couples counseling usually does more harm than good. IC is definitely recommended though.

Hurt1227 posted 7/16/2020 20:49 PM

I am so sorry that you have found yourself here. Itís been about ten months for me. I understand when you say you feel insignificant. I used those same words. Iíve been married over thirty years, and found about about my husband cheating the first years of our marriage. I donít have much to offer, but donít allow his dysfunction to define your life. Wishing you the best!

JanaGreen posted 7/16/2020 21:29 PM

Huge hugs.

I understand why his actions made you feel insignificant, but his shitty choices have no bearing at all on your worth. I'm so sorry you are in pain.

Underserving posted 7/16/2020 22:51 PM

Your story sounds so much like mine. We are around the same age, and my d-day was 2 days before our 10th wedding anniversary. I too looked forward to that day for over a year, only to have it be one of the saddest days of my life. Iím not sure any anniversary will ever be a happy one again. My WHís affair was going on when we celebrated our 7th. He called her when we got home from our dinner date, so thatís another aspect of it thatís ruined.
I get the comparisons. Normally itís just celebrities and Instagram models we are comparing ourselves to, and itís easier because they seem so unrealistic. Our lovely WHís have given us a real person, that at least for a little while, were what they wanted instead of us. Itís a sick and awful thing to do to another person, especially someone you supposedly love. My WHís AP was way skinnier than me, by her own admission battled anorexia, and the complete opposite of me. I am a white lady with blonde hair and light eyes. She is middle eastern with dark hair and eyes. I finally came to a place it didnít matter what she looked like, she was a very broken person who was willing to accept the bare minimum from an obviously broken man. Also, if thatís what he wanted, he could go have that! I too have been working on myself and rebuilding my self-esteem. Iíve lost 30 lbs and feel better about myself than I have in a long ass time.
2 months is hard. 7 months is still hard, but itís gotten easier. I feel like I have better days than bad ones, and even those bad days arenít quite as bad as they were in the beginning. Wishing you the best!

marriageredux959 posted 7/17/2020 02:28 AM

Ladies.

It is too late, I should be in bed, so take what I am about to type with a grain of salt, or three.

My husband cheated on me, for the first time (that I know of, once cheating is revealed, *every thing becomes suspect,* I know the drill) within *days* of our fifth wedding anniversary.

Within days. And he damned well knew that.

Also, he *absolutely knew* that he'd taken money for the trip (even though the stated intent of the trip and his stated frame of mind going into the trip did not involve an opportunity for infidelity) out of an account that was contractually dedicated to the purchase of our first house.

And I was at home taking care of our sick babies (and fending off my own irate boss during my absence) while my husband was off doing his thing.

And yeah, I'd had those babies, threw myself back into the work force, was bringing in enough of a significant portion the money he spent on that trip, and the money we had saved for that first house, and the money that was supporting *all* of us, that I *had* to do it. Me quitting wasn't an option for US- and yet my husband felt fine enough to take 'liberties.'

I'd also thrown myself into the gym and lost *every single ounce of pregnancy weight* and beat myself back into muscle tone with weight machines.

This is super ironic, poignant even, but at that time one of our local grocery stores was running a campaign ad which featured the catch phrase, "I work an honest day, and I want an honest deal."

So I'm working, and I'm pinching pennies like ever loving hell, and I'm clipping coupons, and I'm grocery shopping like a fucking NINJA, saving the down payment and the closing costs on our first house, and I'm taking care of babies and an apartment and a husband and all of that...

... and I'm walking through this local grocery store, and I'm looking at the banners they've hung from the ceiling, several of them featuring a young mother about my same age, cradling an infant against her shoulder, with that same marketing phrase underneath: "I work an honest day, and I want an honest deal."

She was *beautiful.* As was her infant. Obviously. That's what marketing is about.

As beautiful as she and her infant where, to my eye, she was *obviously* and probably, *intentionally,* not *nearly* as far along, as early along as I was, in childbirth recovery?

She was, from the (I'm sure) carefully curated pictures, intentionally 'child bearing fluffy.' I know the look, because I had it, for all of five minutes.

I used to stare at that particular banner and wonder why the parameters shown there in did not apply to me. "I work an honest day, and I want an honest deal." Because, honestly, I didn't want to beat the shit out of my body mere weeks post partum trying to reassure an otherwise occupied and distracted husband that I was not going to be 'fat.' And I didn't want to leave my babies so soon and go back to work. But I did. Because, supposedly, I *had to.*

But, yeah, in the name of marriage and motherhood and a home purchase and sexual attractiveness to my husband, that's *exactly* what I did.

And then, with two kids born less than two years apart, and days before our fifth wedding anniversary, my husband cheats with a completely anonymous woman whom, he admits, was heavier than me, and bore visible marks of childbirth that I did not bear, because, she was there? He passed up at least two other women that night because they were "too skinny."

Let me tell you something about this disconnect early in a committed, combined infrastructure and income (and outcome) relationship:

If this shit happens, it means something. It means something significant.

Even if your partner/husband/man/woman means *never* to sexually/romantically cheat again, this person is telling you something about him/her self.

He/she has issues, and you've got problems.

Even if your partner *never* romantically or sexually cheats again, IMHO, this pathology is going to play itself out, in a thousand, a million, other 'cheats' and 'neglects' and 'excuses' and 'abandonments' and 'equivocations' and what nots and also rans during the duration of this relationship.

Protect yourselves.

I'm here to tell you: even if it *never* manifests itself again as a sexual or romantic walk off, unless you set some fucking firm boundaries of self respect and acceptable treatment and behavior, it's going to manifest itself again and again, in a myriad of behaviors and acting out and attitudes that may or may not have anything to do with sexual or romantic infidelity.

*Always, always, always* be legally protected and prepared to cash it in.

Research post nups with legit sources. Know what they mean in your state, locality, and jurisdiction.

I'm way late in this game.

Don't be me.

susielee posted 7/21/2020 13:38 PM

"Even if your partner *never* romantically or sexually cheats again, IMHO, this pathology is going to play itself out, in a thousand, a million, other 'cheats' and 'neglects' and 'excuses' and 'abandonments' and 'equivocations' and what nots and also rans during the duration of this relationship."


Absolutely. Even if one stays in such a relationship, they must protect themselves as much as they can going forward. Once my ex and I were divorced, and he married schmoopie, he proceeded to cheat on her, and he turned to gambling and racked up huge gambling debts, they had to file bankruptcy.

As bad as my recovery from his cheating was, I can't even imagine the horror of financial devastation on top of that. God spared me.

tushnurse posted 7/21/2020 15:03 PM

This really jumped out at me...

I look in the mirror and see someone who is not her. No matter how hard i work I'll never be her. I'll never look like her.

Thank God. Be very thankful that you are not some souless wench who happily destroys Marriages....

Also he didn't chose her because she was hot and sexy, or any of the things you are not. He did it because he saw his broken ass self reflected back at him. He got the ego kibbles, and attention he craved, because he is a broken fool.

Stop comparing. It was never about you, or her. It was about him, and what is broken in himself, and until he owns that, and fixes it, he will never be a safe partner for you. You deserve much more.

(((And Strength)))

SoCalCountrygirl posted 7/22/2020 13:26 PM

Hey, I am with you. I am 3 months post Dday and I feel completely depressed. All I can do is cry, even at work I have to take frequent breaks to go to the bathroom and just cry.


Although we are still newlywed's my husband carried out his affair of the course of us planning our wedding ceremony (we were already married for a year when he started).

My husband did so much to keep his affair going. We are also both marriage counseling and individual therapy. We are doing everything you guys are doing but some days I just feel like the damage is too much. And the sad part is I still love my husband and I want it to work but some days (most days) I just don't see how and that is just as heartbreaking as his infidelity.

The1stWife posted 7/23/2020 13:50 PM

I look in the mirror and see someone who is not her. No matter how hard i work I'll never be her. I'll never look like her.

I think this is a common thought. What is soooo special or appealing about the AP?

Iím such the opposite of the OW. At decades older than her I was in much better shape. I was not and never will be the ďpoor meĒ mentality like she had. And I will never ever be covered in tattoos like her. I mean arms, legs, neck, boobs, back, shoulders etc.

And I donít believe my assets are based on my boob size. The OW had a thing where her boobs hung out of every shirt she owned.

You are better than the OW. Itís just hard to see right now.

In understanding the dynamics of the OW, sheís nothing special. While it may appear she is something hot or gorgeous or accomplished, the reality is she could have been anyone who showed an interest in your H.

The OW is very easily replaceable. While the cheaters believe in many cases what they have is ďspecialĒ the bottom line is that itís just illicit and itís exciting to the cheaters.

I told my H on Dday1 - Iím not a 30 year old and wonít stoop to that level. I am your 30 year relationship but if itís not want you want, please leave.

I told my H on dday2 he was free to go and be with the OW yet suddenly She wasnít all that and he refused to leave. I was giving him EXACTLY what he wanted - a chance to be with the OW. Suddenly it all changed. He only thought he wanted her.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:00 PM, July 23rd (Thursday)]

Robert22205https posted 7/23/2020 14:26 PM

I'm sorry you feel insignificant.

1 - There was nothing special about the OW. She just happened to be available for him to build a fantasy around her. She was never in the running as a long term life partner.

2 - Did you share this feeling with your husband? He should be doing back flips every day to make you feel loved (significant) and to rebuild trust.

thatbpguy posted 7/23/2020 15:04 PM

Not to t/j, but marriageredux959, that was a very moving post. And very apropos for this thread.

CoderMom posted 7/31/2020 21:29 PM

It takes time and hard work, but it can be rebuilt and the marriage can come back stronger than ever. Forgiveness helps and realizing that neither of you are perfect helps also. Giving selflessly after having been betrayed is the most difficult thing, but that open heart, giving of yourself selflessly in trying to repair the marriage can help. Loving unconditionally...

StillLivin posted 8/2/2020 02:10 AM

^^^^ WTH. What fantasy world are you living in Coder Mom?
Ascott58, my heart goes out to you. You've already been given some good advice, minus Coder Mom's, so i won't beat a dead horse. 8 will give you a virtual hug though. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with any of this infidelity BS. Be kind to yourself.

Anna123 posted 8/2/2020 07:31 AM

I'm here to tell you: even if it *never* manifests itself again as a sexual or romantic walk off, unless you set some fucking firm boundaries of self respect and acceptable treatment and behavior, it's going to manifest itself again and again, in a myriad of behaviors and acting out and attitudes that may or may not have anything to do with sexual or romantic infidelity.

I really like how 959 frames this. It is so true.

Coder: I think you mean well in your hope to support marriage but it may be worth taking a few hours to actually read the stories here, the MULTIPLE D days virtually ALL BS's have. Your idea of healing a marriage takes TWO people, not a martyr and a whore.

susielee posted 8/2/2020 10:28 AM

"lĒ the bottom line is that itís just illicit and itís exciting to the cheaters."


And that is the truth. My ex went on to cheat on his schmoopie pretty much right after they were married. My daughter in law told me about it. She hates them because they are so nasty to her, so she was pretty open to me.

My guess is he kept it up, until he had his major heart attack, and she likely knew about it, but she had a steady paycheck now; so she was not going to rock the boat. She is five years younger than him, and she likely got even a few times.

Cheating, bankruptcy, destroyed his relationship with his son. Yep, they are living the dream.

reborn07 posted 8/7/2020 01:51 AM

iím sorry this happened to you. i donít know if this is good advice, but i landed in a similar situation a couple years ago with my wife of 10 years and the words that came out of my mouth still ring in my ears. after all was said and done she asked me if i would ever get over this. i said ď i think iíll get over you before i ever get over what youíve done to me.Ē and it turns out i did. i donít know if i wouldíve ever gotten over that, but i definitely got over her. there were crippling times along the way, but the rain eventually stops and the sun peeks out from behind the clouds..... time heals all. be patient and show yourself some of the love that you throw away on people that have no appreciation for it. i wish you the best. hang in there

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