David101338 posted 7/15/2020 01:09 AM

A few months ago I found dirty pics and videos on my wife's phone. She gave me permission to look at her phone because she said she wasn't doing anything bad. Lol. They were stored in her cache. She thought they were deleted. There were over 100. I confronted her after she returned from out of town. She denied, of course. This weekend, she went out of town again, with a male customer, saying it was a business related trip, which it was. And the male customer needed to go with her. Lol. Whatever. When she came back, I did laundry. There were 6 panties to be washed from a 4 day trip. One was a black g string with a mesh front. One was a black lace g string. Very sexy panties that I haven't seen for years. Lol. A new bra, black, lace, very sexy. And she only brought dresses that I haven't seen her wear for years. I'm not stupid. I already told her I want a divorce and she cried, begged to fix it. But with covid19, it's hard to find a job and our business is struggling. I can't kick her out because we have kids and I need their mom to be good.....

The1stWife posted 7/15/2020 02:23 AM

Good for you for taking that first difficult step.

Are you starting to financially untangle yourself?

Are you consulting with an attorney to find out what you need to do?

Have you read up on the 180 in the Healing Library in the upper left corner here at SI (surviving infidelity)?

I’m sorry it has come to this. I hope you at least kicked her out of the bedroom.

DIFM posted 7/15/2020 05:04 AM

and I need their mom to be good.....

Of course, you understand, you have no control over this. She is not good.

I am sorry you are here and have joined the club that no one wants to be a part of. I am curious as to how she denied the evidence that obviously existed on her phone.

annb posted 7/15/2020 05:10 AM

Hi, welcome to SI.

So, in the midst of a pandemic, she decides to have an affair and expose herself and your entire family to this virus. She needs to self-quarantine.

I'm sorry she has done this to you and your family.

Apparently, this is not the first time, you caught her months ago and she was able to convince you of her innocence.

Personally, I'd contact an attorney to find out your rights.

Right now she will more than likely lie, deny, blameshift, and manipulate. Don't fall for her tactics.

There will be other members along to give you support, but I just wanted you to know you've been heard.

ShutterHappy posted 7/15/2020 05:49 AM

D is a perfectly good way to get out of infidelity. Do you know who the OM is?

So she went on her trip with her boyfriend after you discovered the pics and videos?

You need to get checked for STD. Seek help from friends and family, it will be a rough ride, but you’ll get through it.

dblackstar2002 posted 7/15/2020 06:09 AM

Written on the entrance to the Temple of Apollo are these words. Know Thyself, and though will know the universe. Looks like you know yourself and your worth. Good luck, I think you are doing what is best for you and your kids…

Bigger posted 7/15/2020 06:54 AM

Reality is the best way out of infidelity.

Reality like you cant kick her out. You can ask her to leave. You could file and ask for prime residence while the divorce goes though. You could move out.
But you can’t kick her out.
Try doing that and she can file domestic abuse and have you kicked out.

Deal with this from reality.
Contact an attorney to know your rights in divorce.
Talk to your accountant about ownership, valuation and how to untangle the business aspect.
Don’t use COVID as an excuse. Start separating, both physically and emotionally.

The OM a customer?
Your company?
No more a customer. Works for a customer? Talk to his boss. OM married? Let his wife know.

Make the affair REAL. Deal with this all from reality rather than fantasy and fear.

SlapNutsABingo posted 7/15/2020 13:37 PM

OP, listen to Bigger. He is spot on and is a guide for a reason.

Even knowing that you were suspicious, she still left for the weekend with him. That was a very brazen and a No Fuck's Given way to look at her marriage. By what you have stated I would be very surprised if this hasn't been going on for a very long time. She just got sloppy. But what does that matter...1 time or 100, she chose to throw you away each and every time.

She spent an entire weekend+ in a different city with a man that she elevated to your status. Giving to him what should have only ever been for you. Now she wants to fix this because she has the fantasy but doesn't want to loose the stability, the safety, the comfort.

standinghere posted 7/17/2020 16:56 PM

Reality is the best way out of infidelity.

Absolutely, there is no better way to say this, reality sucks, fantasy land is where many affairs exist in, and unfortunately where many of our responses to an affair exist iwhen we discover something isn’t right.

It doesn’t matter whether you stay married, get divorced, or come to some arrangement, but facing the reality of your situation, and making sure you accept no less from all others involved, is the best thing to help you move forward.

Newlifeisgreat posted 7/17/2020 17:48 PM

Don’t be afraid/hesitant to tell everyone why you are getting divorced. You and the kids will need the support from others. Don’t give her the opportunity to rewrite history, making you the villain and her the long struggling victim!!

Good luck, stay strong
Promise it is MUCH better on the other side

Buffer posted 7/17/2020 18:57 PM

So sorry brother, she isn’t a good person, or wife and will never really be a good mother.
I fail to see how you need to take a client/customer on a business trip. You are correct. You have seen the pics and vids, now the dirty laundry. You don’t need more.
Good mother’s, don’t lie, cheat and manipulate their marriage or children to consciously cheat, these are deliberate decisions and actions to do this, a good mum doesn’t do that. Specifically over such a extended period.
Why does she want to R after being caught? Does she not want to pay child support or alimony?

Yes you can’t kick her out, but you can distance yourself. With Covid your STBX needs to social distance from children for two weeks from her last bang session. Start the hard 180 now!
Talk through text and only about the children and scheduling. Carry a VAR to guard against false DV claims.
STD and STI checks as well as IC for you. I am unsure of your children’s ages but they have a good idea that mum has hurt Dad. Please try to get at least a phone consult from a lawyer regarding your rights and responsibilities, as well as her responsibilities for the children.
One day at a time
Buffer

[This message edited by Buffer at 7:10 PM, July 17th (Friday)]

redwing6 posted 7/19/2020 13:29 PM

OP, this advice from Bigger is spot on. He's one of the heaviest hitters here, as others have said that's why he's a guide.

Reality is the best way out of infidelity.
Reality like you cant kick her out. You can ask her to leave. You could file and ask for prime residence while the divorce goes though. You could move out.
But you can’t kick her out.
Try doing that and she can file domestic abuse and have you kicked out.

Deal with this from reality.
Contact an attorney to know your rights in divorce.
Talk to your accountant about ownership, valuation and how to untangle the business aspect.
Don’t use COVID as an excuse. Start separating, both physically and emotionally.

The OM a customer?
Your company?
No more a customer. Works for a customer? Talk to his boss. OM married? Let his wife know.

Make the affair REAL. Deal with this all from reality rather than fantasy and fear.

Start the 180 RIGHT NOW!
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/understanding-the-180.asp

Move her OUT of your bedroom. She can sleep on the couch. Take half the assets out of your joint accounts and make new ones that only YOU can access. Removed any access she has to financials at work (if it's your business) because she can ruin you that way if you're not careful.

somer222 posted 7/20/2020 00:02 AM

I'm an old timer here who after discovering my husband was having sex with prostitues, I kicked him out of the marital home. No children involved. He was not the man he had pretended to be, I was afraid of him and I was afraid of the people who were in his life, which were all kept secret until D day arrived. After kicking him out, all of the locks were re-keyed and the garage code was reset.

My attorney went nuts that I did this and I told her to take it up with a judge if she was so worried. I was not worried. Perhaps I should have been, but there were no consequences. I sold the house after the divorce, gave him his 50% equity and have never spoken to him again.

No way would I live in a house with a spouse who had not only betrayed me but was living an extremely high risk style that could have exposed me to deadly diseases.