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First post and a question

Nicetoknowyou posted 7/14/2020 12:12 PM

Hi, I am new here. I found out last week about my husband's affair with his married co-worker and I have been lurking here ever since trying to find where I fit in with all of you and trying to organize my thoughts and feelings. Your posts have been tremendously helpful. I figure I will give a short version of the story first so you can get to know my situation:

Last August, my husband got a DUI with my two oldest daughters in the car (We have 3 girls). It was absolutely devastating and scary. He had lied to me that day about drinking and drove them anyway. A lot of trust was lost. However, he immediately threw himself into AA and committed to sobriety. He seemed a better person and I was very proud of him. He seemed really happy with being sober and always talked about it. I had no suspicion that he would ever drink again.

Fast forward to 7/3. I come home from the grocery store to discover H was acting drunk.I asked him if he had been drinking and he said no, but that he felt tired and weird. I believed him. I was worried and thought maybe he was really sick! I told him to go lay down and I would take care of the kids. After a while, my gut told me to ask him to take a breathalyzer. He refused. He admitted right then that he was drunk and that he had drank a lot. I started crying and asking him if this was his first time since last August. He said yes. I told him to sleep it off and we would discuss in the morning.

I put the kids to bed and sat down to think. With this supposedly being his first time drinking in almost a year, I thought something big must be bothering him to throw away the sobriety he had been working so hard on. As he was passed out on the bed, I started snooping on his phone. I know all his passwords but have never even had a desire to look on his phone. Nothing had been going on to make me even think to ever do that.

I searched through all his texts and emails and photos and social media and found absolutely nothing concerning except one app called Whatsapp. There was only one message to his co-worker. I know her well. Our families have vacationed together. They work very closely together but I never suspected anything because he always talks poorly of her. In the app there was one message from him to her. It was from that night. It just said, "I drank. I fucked up. I'm in trouble. I need you." I was confused why he used that app for that message when there was nothing terribly awful about it and why there was only one message in there. Then that one sentence "I need you" started nagging at me. Why does he "need" HER? Frantically I went through all the things I could think of where deleted things might end up. Sure enough, way at the end of Google docs in his phone was a single day's worth of text messages to her from Whatsapp that had all the info I needed. It confirmed both an EA and a PA.

I took a picture of the evidence and texted it to him so that when he woke up he would know what I had found. Over the next few days the truth trickled out until I slowly learned enough of the details I wanted to know. He had been drinking with her since November when they went to a work conference together. They got drunk that night and did it. The affair went on until at least early May when he says he broke it off because he decided he wanted me. On memorial day, our families went camping together. Supposedly 2 weeks after they ended the affair. Wow.

So yeah, that's pretty much the story. Since then, I have been trying to figure out how I feel and trying to figure out how to move forward. For now, I have let him stay and may try to work on reconciling.

My next big task is telling the OBS. My therapist told me I should make my H do it. Like not give him a chance, just say, "I decided you are going to tell the OBS right now and I'll stand here and watch you do it." That way he doesn't have a chance to tip off the AP. Thoughts? What are the pros and cons of me doing it vs. H doing it?


Nicetoknowyou posted 7/14/2020 12:30 PM

Also, she is out sick this week from work with possible Covid. I kind of wanted to tell OBS when she wasn't around. Am I thinking too much into this?

auntiepat posted 7/14/2020 12:34 PM

Hi, so sorry you are here. I am also new here, so I don't have many suggestions to give to you, only my understanding, and sincere support. We are all in this together. The only thing I can say, is that, while on theory I would agree that should be him telling the truth to the OBS, the risk (high risk) is that he will probably only say a part of full story...

Tanner posted 7/14/2020 13:09 PM

You should tell OBS yourself and donít let your H know you are doing it. You will be able to compare notes and get closer to the truth. Nothing good can come from your H doing it.

Freeme posted 7/14/2020 13:17 PM

My next big task is telling the OBS. My therapist told me I should make my H do it.
No. Please do not do it this way. Yes the OBS deserves to know but the best way to would be for it to come from a caring person that is going through the same thing. Not from the person that helped to tear apart his marriage. You don't know what the OBS's reaction is going to be.

If he has question after the fact sure he can call your WH if you want to go that route. For the sake of the OBS it's best if it comes from you.

Do not tell your WH before you contact the OBS, do not tell the AP, do not try to blackmail the AP into telling her husband. The sooner you do it the better. I'm sorry you are dealing with this but glad you are taking the right steps.

Bring your proof with you when you tell him. Don't try to blame everything on his WW or badmouth her. Try to stick to the facts allow him to contact you later if he has more questions.

Good luck

Robert22205https posted 7/14/2020 13:44 PM

The therapist's suggestions sounds like an opportunity to embarrass your husband (IMO it's too little too late).

There's a more important strategy and benefit for YOU by contacting the OBS directly. The OBS is your best ally and source of information (he may have info that you're lacking, like recent contact) - and that working relationship starts now.

BTW: you and the OBS talking in private drives the cheaters crazy. Don't share what you learn with your husband.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 1:45 PM, July 14th (Tuesday)]

tushnurse posted 7/14/2020 13:46 PM

Welcome to the best club you never wanted to join.

I want to give you some advice like I give every newbie here. But I also want you to consider the Why's on why you want to stay w/ this man.
Honey - A DUI (with kids in the car), hiding drinking for over 6 mos, and an A? What value does he bring to the relationship? What is he showing your DD's?

1. See an attorney. Learn YOUR rights, and his obligations, get a good understanding of what leaving and staying mean. What would happen if he got another DUI? How would that financially impact you? How can you financially protect yourself and your kids?
You cannot choose to stay or leave w/o this knowledge.

2. See your Dr. Get full STD testing that means a pelvic and bloodwork. This is wildly traumatizing, so you should also ask about a referral for yourself for therapy. In addition to that if you are not sleeping and unable to eat discuss that w/ your Dr. You may benefit from medications to get you through this initial trauma. No shame in that.

3. Figure out what your absolutes are for him to even consider staying. Getting sober, being transparent, going to therapy, etc. If you want to save this M, he has to be 110% in on making changes. I don't know how you can even begin to believe someone is making the right changes when they hid drinking from you for so long. This makes me so angry for you. God knows how many times he drove under the influence w/ your babies in the car.
Self admittedly this is a trigger for me. My dad was a drinker, and my best friends dad was killed by one...

Lastly - Tell OBS w/o your spouse present. Then the two of you blow it wide open. Nothing kills an A better than light. But you have a man that is extremely selfish and broken. He has to want to change for all of this to get better. You cannot do it for him. Do NOT feel obligated to stay and try to make him or convince him. Protect yourself and your girls.

Carissima posted 7/14/2020 14:06 PM

It sounds like the affair was still going on till last week, emotionally at least.
Were you friends with the OW independently? I'm curious why you would go on vacation with someone you say your WH always spoke poorly of.
I agree with the others, tell the OBS yourself, he may have information you need to know.

HalfTime2017 posted 7/14/2020 14:32 PM

Nicetoknowyou- Great line from an Incubus song, if you got it from there.

Anywho, I would also say, don't be surprised if your H didn't already run to his affair partner with the information that you found out, and she is already working the angle that you may call, and that you are crazy jealous. Many times, they have already worked out a plan of what to say if things get exposed. They often will try to protect each other, rather than the betrayed spouse or their own family. Which is why so many on here find it difficult to want to reconcile with people who not only cheated on them, but are actively working to protect their AP, rather than their own family.

You have a lot going on, with a WH who is also an alcoholic. I would suggest that you follow the advice of Tushnurse. I would advise the same thing. With a DUI, you probably have a good case in gaining full custody of your daughters if you wanted to, but you need to act on it. I also wouldn't believe a damn word that comes out of your husbands mouth. He's been lying about drinking, and lying to you about the affair. How can you trust anything he says as it relates to how many times they met up, or anything else.

Go talk to an attorney, and go talk to the OBS. You will get thru this, and people on this board will guide you. You get to decide if you want to R or not, but its too early to make that decision. Get you facts, get your rights in order and than, give your Husband an ultimatum with demands. See how he acts and behaves once you get your facts straight. Also, the kids need to know. They will sense something is wrong, and you don't want to lie to them for the sake of your husband. You want to be the upstanding parent, who always tells them the truth and that they can trust with their feelings. They are girls, so they will have lots of emotions coming from this soon.

ChamomileTea posted 7/14/2020 15:04 PM

My next big task is telling the OBS. My therapist told me I should make my H do it. Like not give him a chance, just say, "I decided you are going to tell the OBS right now and I'll stand here and watch you do it." That way he doesn't have a chance to tip off the AP. Thoughts? What are the pros and cons of me doing it vs. H doing it?

It's better for you to do it. Don't warn your WH, just pick up the phone and call the guy. You don't want to go near their house if COVID is suspected. The reason why it's better coming from you is that you're trying to respect the OBS's feelings. I mean, think about it... would you have rather heard it from the OW's husband or from her? It's just gentler coming from you. Don't worry about whether she's home or not, not as long as you can get him on the phone anyway.


I'm sorry this happened to you. But your BH has not only cheated on you, he's endangered his children and your financial future. Any attempts at R should be linked inextricably to his continued sobriety. He should be attending daily meetings at AA (however they're managing meetings in this pandemic) and he should be working his steps. So, someday he will need to apologize to the OBS, but not now while it's fresh.

He's got a choice... and you'd be wise to challenge him to make it. He can either do what is necessary to repair himself and his marriage, or.. he can go drink himself to death. From here on out, you would be wise to be intolerant of half-measures.

You might want to insist that he read through a copy of How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, by Linda McDonald and Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. McDonald's book will help him to see how deep the damage goes and what he needs to be doing to correct it. Glass's book will help him build boundaries.

I'm so mad for you, that he endangered your children on top of all the cheating and lies. I think you would be wise to make this his LAST chance. One more drink or any refusal to cooperate in recovery, and I'd put him out on his ear. He's dumped a whole load of shit in your lap, so much healing to do, and then the financial repercussions of the DUI. At some point, enough is just enough.

((big hugs))

Cooley2here posted 7/14/2020 16:24 PM

You are dealing with an alcoholic. Thatís the first you need to think about. His affair is all tangled up in drinking. It is amazing what alcohol can do. It can bond two people together because they both like to drink. This is not a romance itís a drinking buddy with sex. You cannot reconcile with a drunk. You just canít. I watched Dr. Drew Pinsky explain what drugs and alcohol do to the brain. They hijacked the part of the brain that supposed to think in rational ways. Thereís nothing rational about your husband. His whole entire focus is drinking and sex with the other woman. Look after yourself. He will not. Drinking, and any form of addiction, make you so selfish that nothing else is important.

Nicetoknowyou posted 7/14/2020 16:56 PM

Wow. I never expected this outpouring of support. Thank you. I feel so lost and blindsided and this does help.

From your responses, it's clear I have to tell the OBS myself. I knew that deep down but was confused by my therapist's advice. I cannot find his phone number anywhere on the internet. He is a teacher so I'm guessing he keeps his stuff well hidden. He does not have Facebook or anything. The only way I found to contact him was his school email address. Anything wrong with that?

I'll try to address most of you here.

Honey - A DUI (with kids in the car), hiding drinking for over 6 mos, and an A? What value does he bring to the relationship? What is he showing your DD's?

I know. It's terrible. He is a good dad when he's sober. My girls love him so much. It's not fair. I didn't ask for this. I didn't ever see our marriage just going up and flames so suddenly. Even if I did go for a D with full custody, how could I take their dad away from them? If I did let him see them, how could I ever trust that he was sober with them in his care? We've been married almost 11 years this month. Together for 15. It's so hard to think of throwing that away along with all the dreams I had of us growing old together when none of these problems even existed until just last year. It's all so fricken sudden and heart wrenching.

See your Dr. Get full STD testing that means a pelvic and bloodwork. This is wildly traumatizing, so you should also ask about a referral for yourself for therapy. In addition to that if you are not sleeping and unable to eat discuss that w/ your Dr. You may benefit from medications to get you through this initial trauma. No shame in that.

3. Figure out what your absolutes are for him to even consider staying. Getting sober, being transparent, going to therapy, etc. If you want to save this M, he has to be 110% in on making changes. I don't know how you can even begin to believe someone is making the right changes when they hid drinking from you for so long. This makes me so angry for you. God knows how many times he drove under the influence w/ your babies in the car.

STD testing appointment has been made for both of us. I feel good about my mental health right now, but not ashamed of medications if I need them down the road. I feel surprisingly calm and strong, just very confused and don't know the right thing to do. My absolute is that he gets into an intensive out therapy treatment program. He was going to AA religiously, but that was obviously not enough. He lied to all those people too. He agreed to the program I found, he just has to finish his community service before he can make that commitment. Community service will be done in 2 weeks. You're right. I don't know how to begin to believe him. My number one motivation is that I have no desire to rip my family apart.

It sounds like the affair was still going on till last week, emotionally at least.
Were you friends with the OW independently? I'm curious why you would go on vacation with someone you say your WH always spoke poorly of

I honestly have no clue if the affair was still going on. The problem is they still have to work together for now. They are both actively looking for other jobs, but for now this is my reality. Their jobs require them to work closely and they have to at least communicate frequently about work during the day. I was not good friends with her per say. She is not someone I would call out of the blue or tell my secrets to, but she would text me here and there and leave comments on my FB posts. Gross. My understanding was just that my H and her were close friends and I was actually totally fine with that. The ways he spoke poorly of her were just pertaining to her job performance, not her as a person so I thought nothing of our families hanging out, which we did frequently. Again, gross. How stupid I was that they would arrange these family get togethers while they were banging behind our backs.

You might want to insist that he read through a copy of How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, by Linda McDonald and Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. McDonald's book will help him to see how deep the damage goes and what he needs to be doing to correct it. Glass's book will help him build boundaries.

I'm so mad for you, that he endangered your children on top of all the cheating and lies. I think you would be wise to make this his LAST chance. One more drink or any refusal to cooperate in recovery, and I'd put him out on his ear.

Thank you for the book suggestions. I will definitely look into these! And you're right. This is his absolute last chance if I even decide to give him that. Like I said, for now I have let him stay, but that is ONLY for my kids and not for him until I figure out what to do. I think he knows it too by the way he's been acting.

Nicetoknowyou- Great line from an Incubus song, if you got it from there.

I'm so glad you got my Incubus reference! They are my absolute favorite band. It was the first song I thought of when I found out.

nekonamida posted 7/14/2020 18:10 PM

It's not fair. I didn't ask for this. I didn't ever see our marriage just going up and flames so suddenly.

It's a hard lesson to learn but absolutely necessary that you understand this sooner rather than later - your WH made the choice to drink. He made the choice to cheat. In fact, he had support and resources to get away from drinking but he chose to lie instead of lean on them for support so that he could drink. Only he can choose to stop drinking and do the work this time around to stay sober. This was not an unforeseen tragedy that fell upon your marriage because of bad luck. It's the culmination of selfish choices your WH has made.

Even if I did go for a D with full custody, how could I take their dad away from them? If I did let him see them, how could I ever trust that he was sober with them in his care?

Truthfully - you can't control him. But being married to him also did not stop him from putting your DDs in danger. He was married to you when he was so intoxicated that he got a DUI with them in the car. Your marriage did not stop him from doing that and it's not going to stop him from doing it again in the future. Only he can stop himself.

It's so hard to think of throwing that away along with all the dreams I had of us growing old together when none of these problems even existed until just last year.

So he never drank before a year ago? Or did his drinking never cause problems until the DUI?

It's incredibly rare that someone just becomes an alcoholic one day. It's hard to believe that your WH had a healthy relationship with alcohol and then got a DUI one day. Typically it's something that escalates over a long period of time. I'm betting if you look back, you will remember times when he was drunk but you gave him the benefit of the doubt. Times when you suspected he was drinking more than he admitted to. Does or did he drink daily? Has he ever been honest with you about how much he was drinking, how often, and for how long?

You may want to attend AA meetings yourself for friends and families of alcoholics. You may get a better perspective on how to protect your DDs and why it's so important that they either have a sober dad or a dad who only gets to see them when he's sober. You may want to consider therapy for them depending on how they responded to the DUI incident and how they feel about his relapse. They should never have to witness him drunk and unable to function like an adult ever again.

HellFire posted 7/14/2020 18:40 PM

There's more to being a good dad, than loving them.

A good dad doesn't expose the mother of his children to deadly stds.

A good dad doesn't take time from his kids, to text,email,see his side piece.

A good dad doesn't risk his children's family, security, and happiness for a side piece.

A good dad doesn't drive drunk with his kids in the car.

A good dad doesn't introduce his children to his side piece, and allow them to interact with her.

He's a neglectful, dangerous father. Infidelity is abuse . Involving your kids directly with the OW, is abuse.

He's a lousy father.

He may have been a good father before all of this, and he may be a good father once he gets his shit together. Right now,and for the last several months...he's been a horrible father. A dangerous father.

Nicetoknowyou posted 7/14/2020 19:08 PM

So he never drank before a year ago? Or did his drinking never cause problems until the DUI?

You're right. The drinking wasn't a problem until the DUI. His drinking had become a steadily increasing problem for me up to that point. I swept it under the rug and made excuses for him because he was never abusive or mean to me or the kids while drinking. In fact, quite the opposite. A lot of bad stuff happened at work while he was simultaneously dealing with our move to a new house and his dad getting very sick that ultimately led to his death in March. Not an excuse,but I can see how it escalated for him. I completely brushed the signs off. Hidden empty vodka bottles when I knew he only drank beer that he explained as just being old bottles or bottles from his friends. Unexplained times when he appeared drunk but I hadn't seen him drinking and he brushed it off as being tired. Honestly I blame myself for letting it get to that point. It's embarassing.

annb posted 7/14/2020 19:28 PM

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you find yourself here.

Honestly, your husband has to find a way to stop working with her. As long as they work together, the affair will likely continue.

Can he go to HR and ask for a transfer?

Secondly, he's an alcoholic. No chance of R unless he stops communicating with the other woman AND gets himself into daily AA meetings.

These two should be non-negotiable.

Inform the other BS asap.

Please read the Healing Library. Great information.

waitedwaytoolong posted 7/14/2020 20:11 PM

How stupid I was that they would arrange these family get togethers while they were banging behind our backs.

This has always been a hot button for me. My EX arranged a meeting with her AP so he could pitch me about investing in a business he was planning. He sat in my kitchen asking for money the day after he screwed her in my bed. To me this was almost as bad as the sex.

Most affairs happen so the WS can fill a need within themselves. The BS really doesnít play that much into it. Except for this.

By creating opportunities where the WS and the AP interact with the BS is something they do to you. At best itís a lack of respect, at worst itís a way to humiliate the BS behind their backs. It also heightens the sex when they can reminisce and chuckle about how smart they are.

Has he explained any of this? Itís just cruel. I never had an affair, but when we separated I had ample opportunities to have sex with women who were supposedly friends of hers. I never did. Even after what she did, I felt that would be rubbing it in her face. I gave her more respect than she gave me.

I agree with you telling the other BS. Dint tell him as he will warn her and they will try to block. I donít know if itís possible, but if you can go to HR so they can set up some work boundaries. I know this may not always be possible

I feel for you. Being drunk or an alcoholic is not an excuse

The1stWife posted 7/15/2020 02:15 AM

Iím sorry you had to suffer and join our club. You will get good advice here. You are strong and weathering this storm the best you can. You will survive this. We all do. It just takes time.

Iíd like to make a few suggestions.

1. Financially protect yourself. Have a bank account in your own name that has an increasing amount of $. Just in case. You may need it. Have credit cards in your own name as well.

2. Consider a post nup. Protect your assets from being considered marital assets in case of a D. I had an attorney create one for me. In my state it is legal.

You mention ďripping your children from their fatherĒ and how terrible it would be. No one is suggesting that your H nit have contact with his children if you ended up Divorced. However as a parent your first role is to protect your children. I understand your commitment to keeping your family together.

But I suggest you should have some plan B in place in case his drinking escalates and becomes a more serious problem. If violent situations or abusive situations ever occur, you need to be prepared.

I hope your H continues making amends and getting the help he needs. These are great positive steps.

tushnurse posted 7/15/2020 10:08 AM

I'm known as somewhat of a straight shooter here, and I'm calling BS on this.

It's so hard to think of throwing that away along with all the dreams I had of us growing old together when none of these problems even existed until just last year.

That's your fear talking. You aren't throwing it away. He already did that. He fucking hid the fact that he was actively drinking to you, to a whole group of people at AA, and your kids.
Get mad. Find your Anger!!! What happens the next time he decides he can manipulate and lie to you? He obviously is really good at it, or you are the queen of denial and rugsweeping.

By staying, and allowing this, you are showing your children that it's ok to accept less than you deserve from a partner. Our children repeat what they see and know in their frame of reference. You want them to repeat your choices? Worse you want them to do to someone what he has done to you and them???

You and your kids are being manipulated and abused. You as far as I see it have no other choice but collect your evidence on his continued drinking, lying at AA, and get your butt to an Attorney ASAP. You need to protect yourself before you lose everything in a civil suit the next time he gets caught driving drunk, and hurts someone.

This is not OK. This is NOT someone that you R with, not for a good long while. Drinkers only stop when they hit rock bottom. They have to choose to do it for themselves, not anyone else, you aren't enough and your kids aren't enough. He needs to figure out that he is the only one that can do this.

Consider Alanon for yourself. Get out before more damage is done. Also please read up on narcissism, and the traits of narcissistic people. Your girls deserve a lot more. So do you.

nekonamida posted 7/15/2020 11:56 AM

Honestly I blame myself for letting it get to that point. It's embarassing.

Read this over and over again until it sinks in: YOU did not make him drink. HE chose to drink and lie to you. YOU CANNOT control his drinking. YOU are not responsible for his drinking or at fault when he drinks too much.

This is why you would benefit from AA meetings. Even if your WH genuinely wants to get better, you will be a bad influence on him by believing you share responsibility for his sobriety and if you try and poke and prod him towards making better choices for himself. He has to do it and he has to do it alone with your support but not your help.

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