It’s like FOO adds a blanket or layer of protection/comfort to the WS. But one must also see that it takes a thousand layers - from myriad sources- to create thae level of comfort/protection sufficient to go through with an A.
I agree wholeheartedly with this.
And at its basis, the saying we cheated because we wanted to is very true. Every single WS on this site decided what they wanted was more important than anything else - their integrity, their spouse, their family. It was a decision, not a mental condition.
But, all the little things that make up who we are can always enable a harmful behavior, or condition us to be very comfortable in that behavior. And, it's not just one thing. We have to find a different way to counteract that coping.
I will give you one example from me, even though I know it will be long:
Personally, I grew up in chaos. When things get still and easy I am uncomfortable as I am not conditioned to know what to do with that, in my house growing up it meant it was the calm before the storm. As an adult, I began unknowingly creating my own chaos. And that could be anything but usually it was finding ways to be too busy and numb myself. From deciding to make complicated changes in the house, Overdoing for my kids, going over the top on their celebration parties, trying to keep a perfect house, stuff with my career, etc.. whatever it was at the time that kept me from my thoughts or having to be idle. This was driven so much by needing to keep myself distracted and it was specific to another aspect of FOO where I was the golden child. I was the golden child for what I accomplished. The only shining moments in my house were when I brought home good grades, when I was elected things, when I was chosen to represent the school at various camps and honors. So, you have to add that I need be seen a certain way, and feeling like I had to earn love. These two specific things put together created a person who didn't manage her life in a healthy way.
The numbing and hiding in busy got so bad that I felt nothing. Shoot, I was diagnosed with emotional exhaustion around the time I started the affair and I still wasn't changing. For those who don't know, that's today's equivalent of what we used to call "a nervous breakdown". Completely barren, I doubled down and got myself even busier so I could feel better.
I did that until I absolutely hated my life. HATED. And noone appreciated anything! I couldn't distract the hate with the busy any more. By that time it wasn't hard to betray what was important to me, nothing was important any more. Every part of me was resentful, and by God I deserved something for me!
Um...really? Of course that was delusional. But my numbing and busy and need for chaos made that not so uncomfortable of a choice. I have had to learn to be still. For a long time after the affair and as I recovered from the exhaustion - any time I did things for anyone in my family that required moderate effort I had to really check in with myself on my motivation. Was I doing this from a place of love? Was I doing this to get love? Did I want to do this? It was a maddening thing to have to do, and it created a lot of confusion and took a lot of joy out of giving for a long time, but I learned a lot of my motivations were born of things that came from very common thought distortions. (One google search and you can find so many common ones that you do too!)
It's not at all easy to trace these thousands of things, GMC. And, noone will ever do it perfectly. I tend to think of it more broadly now and don't have to analyze each thing I am doing. I start my day reminding myself of 3 things I am grateful for. Having that as a practice, I notice so many more things in a day that I thought about in past days or things I should use for tomorrow. I have learned that I don't have to worry so much about whether or not I am overdoing for anyone, because in all honesty I really enjoy doing things for other people. I just keep a check on my own personal joy level. So, it can be complex as you are beginning the process of learning about yourself, listening to yourself, but as you boil them down overall the changes can be pretty simple -- it becomes more about managing your life so you don't have to get in a bad place where you have to cope with an overwhelmingly hard thing to untangle. This is when you are truly in touch with your happiness being your own responsibility and will never have to look to others to get it.
Not that other people don't make me happy they are in my life or I don't appreciate things they do for me. But, I don't have to rely on it. I do something for myself every day. Whether that's go running, or sitting on my porch for a few minutes alone and taking in the scenery, or whatever. And, if I am doing something for them it's from my heart and not for love or appreciation. Of course it's always nice to have those things in return but they are not expected and there is no disappointment in whether it happens or not.
I didn't learn compartmentalization growing up. In fact, I would say the reason I confessed was because I couldn't compartmentalize it. But what I did learn was numbing, ignoring, avoiding. And those were the primary things that allowed me to conduct the affair.
They are not the things that made me choose an affair. In fact, I would say the choosing of the affair was more latching onto the first thing that made me feel good and reveling in a new distraction when all my old tricks weren't working. It was easy enough to be in denial about what was happening at first. It would have been harder for me to choose stealing where you had to go all in on deciding to do something bad right that moment.
I am actually quite a rule follower in all reality. The affair started on a slippery slope until I wanted it. But, I had to let my boundary down to let it in. That's the thing - I still ended up going all in on the bad on that one thing, right? I made a decision then even if I was in denial of it myself. For what ever reason it was just easier to deny talking was wrong rather than say stealing something (I wasn't thinking of stealing, but I use that as a concrete example of something you have to plan before you do. It would be harder to deny that's what you were doing) Then by the time it evoked the high feelings, I really didn't care what I had to do in order to have it.
I had kept excellent boundaries with men our whole married life. I didn't have secret fantasies about having an affair. I never wanted anyone else. I truly know myself as a monogamous person, as you know I had the other experience of the open relationship and didn't want that. I am totally convinced that without the numbing and avoiding I learned in FOO, I would have maintained my rule following ways. But, it didn't make having an affair my vice of choice. It only was one of the things that enabled it.
It's actually amazing I am not an alcoholic -- I mean, I love numbing. My dad was an alcoholic so you would think I have the gene. He used it to numb his pain as he is disfigured and felt like an outcast because of it. I do drink alcohol once in a while and I like how it makes me feel after one or two...but I don't like anything beyond that where I would feel out of control. But, I can't go around saying "I had the same FOO as an alcoholic but I don't choose to drink" Because FOO doesn't make the choice - WE DO. FOO creates a lot of our inner environment, good or bad, and allows us to adapt to our choices, good or bad.
[This message edited by hikingout at 9:45 AM, June 17th (Wednesday)]